Scotland hitting the early twenties in March. Bloody brilliant. Wierd walking around in a T shirt when the trees are all still bare.
Maybe I could of made more of it but I'm not a big fan of sunburn, I hate feeling cooked. Sunshine makes me want things though. More/better friends, entertainment, opportunities. Sex. Starting taking meds more regularly. Made some decisions, feeling like more of grown up who is learning how to care for herself. I keep seeing, feeling, sensing something I used to be much more aware of. It hard to describe, its like a dot, a point, a spot even, in the center of my mind. I'm not sure what it means, is it a center, a blind spot, a full stop? I'm not sure but I've feeling like I can explore being me. Like I'm more aware of my environment, the Earth, my body. Like I can allow myself to be.
I cried in dramatherapy last week. Someone else in group wasn't her usual self. She looked so hurt, so small and vulnerable it broke my heart.
NuShrink wants to start 'the work'. I can't think of a better time to start than Easter weekend. I hope he has ideas about where to start because I don't. I guess that's what I pay him for. He asked about where my strong sense of right and wrong comes from. Good question.
Drinking wine with alkysis and mom last night. She's split up with her useless cunt of a man. He txted her yesterday to say one of the bairns isn't his. I tried to talk to her about making time for herself, about getting help, talking, drama, art, reading, something. She said she didn't want people looking at her, that she couldn't talk without a drink. I suggested she was maybe abused more than she remembers. She didn't think so. The antirape ad came on, she said it made her scared for her daughter. I said she wouldn't feel that way if it hadn't happened to her. She's a brick wall, doesn't want help, cant see how different life could be. I talked about challing negative thoughts and being your own best friend. I said her drinking made me feel awful, spiralingly awful.
I felt a lot stronger around them. Like seeing her looking after precios wee ones in a stupor isnt going to hit me as hard as it has in the past. Like I'm finally focusing better on me and wee man.
Of to bed now though. It's fucking freezing.
July 08, 2011
Really hope we can get away for his birthday. Just been looking at holiday camps and trying not to cry. That inferior feeling of not having enough money, its shitty. But if I get back dated disability, and split the cost with my mum then maybe, just maybe... Its never enough, summers are always like this I want to be MOBILE. I dont just mean being able to drive and afford to keep a car. I want to be on the road, on a train, in an airport going anywhere that isn't here, where ever here happens to be. I need to be living out of suitcases, traveling from beach to sunset to beach. Its the only cure for that lazy summer reslessness I get. Sights just get samey so quickly and so completly that it burns to look at them; I need eye food, nose education, palate stimulation instead of mac and cheese and a trip to the park. We should be on the beach all day and dancing all evening then falls asleep and I look at the stars and listen to the crickets... *big sigh*