May 07, 2017

major major

Over the worst of the physical symptoms into the just feeling knackerd and emotional. It's one of them isn't it? First few days of sunshine and we will be down with lurgy.  Shop was selling Jersey Royals though and Spanish strawberries we got yesterday was pretty good to. It's so bugging though, all the garden prettying that isnt getting done. All well at least we arn't letting everything go bone dry.

Still thinking lots about the hospital. Mum was able to show up for a little while, they weren't going to take no for answer and Dad was going back with them after anyway. We hadn't planned on agreeing on all the sisters being there but it felt like it would be safe enough so we went for it. Pretty sure we were right about that being the first time we have been in same room as each other and the first time many of them had met Mum and Dad or knew they existed. It was so hard but so important that we all got to do that.

No matter how well the ops and the battles went back then we knew long long before that if we won we would be alive but too exhausted to survive the rest of the time in hospital and all triggers in isolation and the child care in the months since then if we weren't humanised, weren't loved. We could say our lines about no longer fighting to the posh English and didn't need to worry about any of our internals thinking it might be true.

To be told by our Dad that he knew everything the slave system I'm in. To have and see Mum and Dad on the same fucking page. To just be able to talk about so much. To find out for a fact that Grans and Grandads and all kinds of solid old guards had our back. The twenty year triggers that have had us all terrified weren't left to work and then they were past. No longer something hanging over us that we couldn't escape. Networks and their chains were smashed and then we had to go back to pretending none of it happened and that we might possibly of had an affair with an abuse ring doc was career and his placement there was all about fucking up us.. And he failed.

It's not just the extremes of evilness that has been so hard to get people to believe, it's the stupidity that comes with believing everything is under the control of an absolute and infinite power. There is no learning, no seeing and wondering, no growing but with everything laid bare like it was and everything captured. Enough of the jigsaw pieces present and in place so it was quite obvious to those that had been given a box with a picture could see it quite clearly wasn't the same picture that all the pieces made.

"Next year.. its gonna be mental isn't it?" We seemed to think so, but we weren't really us. We are trying to remember what if anything we said about this summer but as usual we are getting no where. We knew the garden would be lovelier we remember talking about that and when we try and think about the garden next year we are getting nada.. We are confident in the systems being down or infiltrated enough that we are not too worried about physical attacks on us but there is an awful lot going on world event wise the fascists will have wanted determine and we do know they tried very hard and I guess we will all see when the counting is done if they got France. There will be one particularly broken hearted sister if they did.

Not that it's much fun to have live your life trying to resist and escape forces who want you to help them win elections. It's a slave system and election rigging so it's not gonna be the good guys asking. We have a bit of a sense of coming of their efforts to secure the next Brit one not to badly but we also know it's the kind of thing that if we did really get us we would be telling ourself it could of gone worse. If it was when we think it was during the last years in Skene then we probably would of got it out that we would need help and some other system did whatever they did instead of us. We didn't think we would survive another one so had  pushed ourself to reach out. Were we sitting on the bed in the wee room thinking "Fuck that's my Gran and my Mum and they are working together." ? Hope so..

Cinquo de Mayo is passed, we remember saying something about that so people we were not giving much away to. The bush we currently beating around is "we will try bring changes next summer" and how real that might be. Major major shit always happens during the Summer.