April 30, 2017

That's why they need the slaves Mum they are all thick as pig shit.

Hello.

Cool isn't it and so totally not cool of course to but to not live under the fear of dying while people you love having little idea of who you are. Living like that was always a kind of death anyway. We made an amnesiac part who would describe how she was going die because it was all too much and made sure she sounded literal when she was actually telling them about the end of the worst of the amnesia and isolation. She was telling the abusers she knew she would not exist in the future and all the rest of us agreed and they thought we were telling them we were going to die when it was a roll that would no longer be needed, a state that would no longer happen. Sometimes when it happened we realised we were also showing ourselfs this because it felt so obvious that what we were saying wasn't real or literal.

They went higher and higher through the networks trying to find out if it was certain and lots of good work was done.

It was our sisters who fell for the "Daddy will never love you because you defend yourself" stuff more than us. We usually knew it was something we had to pretend was working until we were in a position to not have to any more. Those moments were we slide from blinkered and down, to hang on do we need to be taking this shit to waking up and answering and or fighting back, walking out were always so good.. Other times there was no slow waking up just the culmination of years, decades of very conscious acting, watching and planning coming to fruition. Glorious.

For a while until we remembered everything and everyone else would was still a severe danger. Things were set up so that anything any of sister did the trouble would come back here, "as long as we have one we have them all" was the thinking and it wasn't delusional.

There wasn't all that many people who noticed or would point out physical switches between us so as long as the right one was there or not there for certain stuff ao we got away with a lot of sharing the worst and best of it. There was the one sister who knew almost as much as us so even the worst could be split and not survived alone until mum was able to help. Help she did until she predictable couldn't leave us in it and got herself recaptured and had to be found and rescued again. She was in a lot better shape than we thought she would be. Really good in fact she was able to use all her defence systems and skills to protect herself well and had learned a lot about what they were doing and how they were doing it.

She said we were right. They were all really stupid and we said yeah, they had the numbers and they horribleness and not much else, except money of course. And Earth.

She teased us about our language which was quite funny. Then we dumped what we had then got to a safe distance. "Jesus christ you think we were going to go all the trouble of finding this place getting to it and then leave it as we found it? I don't think so." There was a fair amount of head shaking in the cabin. Afterwards he said something in shock about us being really serious and we said something about it being better to demonstrate that to him rather than just tell him. What with all being soo unbelievable and all.. Dont know where we went after that. Probably some place wonderful where we could leave mother where she wouldn't even notice she would spend all her time in a hole in ground working anyway.

"She wont tell us how many of us there are." Said a sister to mum we were sitting on the hospital bed, close to each other.

"They won't tell me. Said not to worry about it that they didn't believe you can have too much of a good thing." Everyone was looking at me kind of expecting or hoping we might elaborate further but we didn't have much more else."Especially what with everything thats going on." Was all we could give them and something about them being the same people that would get a hold of us and say that had seen what we had done and we would start talking about it and asking them questions and they would be all like "woah we said we saw what you did not 'how' you did it." Everyone was still quiet and bewildered looking of course then Mum asked if they were same people as she knew and we said yes and were so glad they were eventually speaking to her, I think we wept. She told my dad we had been right to keep it from them, that was like a massive physical weight being lifted as well because he could see by her face and words and the state we were in he needed to trust us. We said we hoped he would start to be told from then on though and someone confirmed it and we could see how relieved he was at that.

I think before we sighed off we looked at mum looking at us knowing she knew and wanted, needed to say something but all we could come up was about it being ridiculous and she it was something else, a word that doesn't translate but means something very good and very right and very real. We felt so glad and humbled. Then she had to go.







its too good they will kill us for it

Sunny spells but a wicked ass wind. We watered seedlings, moved a planter so it would get more sun and surveyed it all from the kitchen sink. The work will be hard enough I'm not that worried about it being warm when the tools arrive but we are not going to be working in the rain. Forced the lad to take his scooter out then tidy his room for a few minutes, usual it's hardly meeting all his needs but its something.

When see appeared on the screen we went even littler and called her "Mummy". I felt Dad take a sharp intake of breath that I think we probably giggled at. She was concentrating really hard on her English and we were her top priority. There was a few people around who were pretty shocked by that and we had focus on not being distracted by their internal worlds all collapsing. We can't remember much specifically and don't expect to, for one thing she has never bullshitted us and that in its self is enough to put the contact between us when I am down here behind a giant fucking wall all by itself. It ended up just me and her so often I think we said how weird it was to be letting people see and hear us instead of the opposite and she agreed. The was as well as a sense of vindication palpable in the room to and we knew that wasn't going to last when we starting explaining how there was no plan, we had no time to figure out anything and knew we could not work with the predetermination systems and thats all there was. We had both spent too much time being tortured, needing to heal and surviving to figure out what to do next.

She to had believed the stuff about stopping MAD on Earth, even her. We think. Noo we have to do everything we can against the evil sciences everywhere and survive Earth. They were very clear on that. If we could save Earth then great but we probably wouldn't be able to. We are more important that the whole planet and everything and everyone on it they said it was their non negotiable thing for working with us. We were glad because it already seemed like thinking like that would be only way to stay alive much longer than thirty and we didn't want to die at thirty something.

She was quiet for quite a while after we told her. We could see her recalculating and realising she was going to have to start calculating in the fact that not everything can be calculated.. Then we really got her back.

"You have to stop you Mum from being a deterministic! She is going to kill us all!"

"Have you tried not telling her and others that she is a Satan worshipping universe hater and suggesting she may be traumatised and dissociated instead?"

...

Mum was only thing actually fighting what needed to be fought and she often didn't have to go searching for it either it would come for her sometimes with it's best gear but only after manipulating a distance between her and her mates and fucking up the communications of course.

The plan was to humanise mother so she could humanise us.

(What's going on with your mother? Oh we have been helping her PTSD to see if she will her help with us."
"Yeah? How's that going?"
"Badly. Really badly."
"What are doing?"
"Chores." )

When we wrote about it before we had it all planned out for when they came round to us then went round my sisters. It started of stuff we hadn't heard for years. The serious posh Brits respectfully informing us of serious things about her. Threatening yanks and tonnes of shouty Russians and Eastern Europeans that our speaks obvs weren't interested in speaking to and not a teeny tiny sliver of anyone else was interested in translating a word. Central Europeans offering assistance though that was new or at least very unfamiliar.

The whole thing with us feeling comfortable being little here and not being amnesiac about that is because of her work with us before that we had too much programmes phobias and triggers around it. It took a long time and before that the amnesia often was something we could slip out of or back under they had us so layered in ways to be non functioning.

It was with the Americans that it always caused the biggest and severest issues. Like we are always bloody saying we told loyal pay role Brits fuck all about anything but there was American's we liked, trusted in limited ways of course and felt relaxed around but whenever issues around mother came up we lost them. Decent people were lost and it would be little or nothing to them gave the orders but it hurt friends and family and it hurt us.

In the Scottish rings "The Russians are after your mither and that's how your oor slave." was a bass line which meant the wanted it central and never far from our conscious thinking. The English establishment said we knew nothing about anything and words like "mother" were to trigger an unarticulatable sense of alienation and weakness, Margo and never, ever anything else..

While other nations peoples shake their heads at all and beg their superiors to do something anything while the superiors hold their head in their hands and wonder if and what they should tell the inferiors about the time they did..

A finely polished machine as you can see. Of there was others who just set it all up to be unlivable but they were a tight group who didn't share their skills to those outside those they trusted and all sorts had been picking away at them for years. They were horribly, heartbreakingly easy for me, mother and sisters to remove. The hard bit was the having to read the scrip over the next years so the immediate rings around them didn't know they were gone. Taking apart and undermining those surrounding rings was wonderful though. Undeniably positive experiences and irreversible consequences.. Quality.

That's where the our fuck ups usually were. Trusting North Americans. Canadians I think as well, once. And some of them where catastrophic. When some colleagues find out they work though. Really work, on everything, all the time. We've watched them so often working themselves to oblivion pointlessly wishing there was some way to tell them before they found out the worst ways. We would keep trying as long as we could but risk dying for it especially when there was too much chance that if that happened they definitely would never know anything.

Yeah so we have a Daddy. And a Mummy. We are not putting it in the same sentence yet though..She is very cool though our mother but she is not cool about what is going on down here and will really wish you could met her when she is being cool and not scary..
..
Sir she is scarier than us..I'm not just saying that. She really is. We keep records and go over and assess and figure out what we have done and how we did it and if we should of she doesn't do any of that shit. And we have told her to keep not doing it because it's too dangerous to change.

There was never any room for negotiation. The woman who was fighting the breeding programmes was more dangerous, she had to be stopped the breeding programmes were to be protected. They honesty have some of them saying that I should protect it because it produced me and my sisters..It was earlier on to, like the Glen early on..

We threw some tantrums as an older kid that mum was trying to get to be a younger kid before fully knowing how bad it was. We always feel better when people know we are acting a certain way.

Love you.


April 29, 2017

resistance is fertile

The buddleia is almost definitely going to arrive before the tools we need to put them in the ground but that's okay we can stick them in a trough planter till they arrive.. and we have done the work... :-/ .. They we will be earning and needing out Epson Salts baths as we have pretty much committed to racking up chuckies, taking out whatever tarp is left and breaking the ground up on the bottom patch.. :-/ .. as always.. help would be greatly appreciated.. Ordered a couple of ferns..and I think we are going to be able to bite the bullet and pick a spot for Gracies tree so it isn't waving about in the centre of everything in one of the boring troughs that are a nightmare for bloody cat poop, shouting 'Hi I'm Gracies & her mum's tree, you weren't much use there were you but I'm thriving.' ..

It's bloody freezin today so we are indoors in bed guilt free. Dude has just finished the korok trials he had to take a food break but he did manage to do them in one sitting with only a fair bit of howling and demanding I side with him against the game over accusations of cheating.

Kinda different aren't they.. the spring bank holidays in Scotland.. to what they once were. Early money, meant we could order a digging fork and a rake to replace the one the gadgee gardeners nicked twice but only returned once. Pricks. Along with the two ferns, some yellow paint for the old cheap metal table, a new lining for the fancy hanging basket, then we were reminded by sir that our previous attempts to order a board game that failed so had to order it again, that was a bit wincy but it will be worth it we are getting into our time together again.

We tweeted a screen shot of previous orders that are arriving today and gave us another good reason for guilt free indoorness. A painted birdhouse, the fairy, the solar light dog and a new planter. All pretty. The whole thing with cast iron feminine things like fairies and butterflies.. we like.. The balcony trough is ace. Comes with fittings attached so its dead to easy to hang from the fence, has a bit underneath for water, comes in bright colours, £12ish. Fabby. Need moar.. It came at the same time as the compost and was filled with the hopefully weathered trailing plug plants of two different colours.. Put one in the flying pig to hope if grows, there is a pansy in the owl and its done bugger all while the rest are all happy.. Would look very cool..

Triggers relating to getting a weeping ornamental cherry for the big grey planter have been irksome. We think we probably will, it's a something we like and would appreciate no matter where we were but there is so much amnesia and horrible feelings around it. We have given ourself enough work physically and trigger wise with the buddleia for now anyway. It's not just the tree its the planter to and having three all full of weeds and yes you guessed it cat shit isn't helpful. There is a purple petunia that could go in it but we are worried that even if ended up looking glorious it would still be sad because it might not be what we wanted and we don't get what we want coz of all the bad people and that's why we are here alone.

We are going to have to fucking buy it arn't. We were thinking we would defo get it by next spring anyway if we are still here. We will need it then if we are still here alone maybe we are far enough out of the worst of fall out.. Butterfly bush hopeful privacy first. Need to say a thank you to Margo of course for being such a big part of why we had any kind out side legal plant growing inspiration and awareness even if we not comfortable with all the sense that we couldn't do half this if she was going to spending time in it and the confusion and violence over why that is.

Back to nicer healing things, resistance is fertile after all. Left the seedlings out last night. There are going to miss a lot of day light with us taking them in and they look fine. So good to have something to keep us off our butt and feeling positive about another summer here. There will be tears about it not being appreciated by anyone else and surveillance angles don't bloody count all though it must be either reassuring or deeply worrying seeing obvious outside indications that we are getting our shit together. There will be even more tears probably if anyone else does appreciate in person, with us there unless its some military bs or drasticness then we will just be pissed off and professional.

We cried last year coz we could see things we wanted to do that would make so much difference but we couldn't physically or mentally do alone because it is just the same with everything here and always has been. We think we can give it a go this year though because of the good people we saw in the hospital and the information that is getting out. We saw our sisters, our Dad, spoke to our mum and our brother found out who we lost our virginity when was very grounding.. People found out stuff that have needed them know for thirty fucking years. No wonder we are gushing over seedlings, pug plants and cast iron fairies and garden bloody gnomes..



April 27, 2017

:-)

We've been quite busy the last few days. Two fucking meetings! CPN and social worker.  Social worker who wants to help us socialise the son. Which is appreciated. Cleaned a fair bit yesterday to, had to what with the sw coming over. Was glad except for being a bit migrainy from overdoing it on the sticky. Gardening, hoovering, washing, beds changed, kitchening and food was put away, big packs split up before being frozen and everything got done anyway and it helped sort us out eventually..

Couldn't help ordering more garden stuff last night. A cast iron fairy, a cast iron butterfly, a small metal dog that glows at night and a green plastic through planter that can be hanged from the fence. They had offers on garden paint  There's a load of seedlings that we propagated indoors. Can't remember of course, giant colourful daisy looking hardy annuals and more night scented stock, ffs. Its turning up every where already. At least I think it is. Something came through in the space left next to the pinks and we are pretty sure thats what it is we scooped some of it out with a dessert spoon and put in seedling tray.

We put a couple of the new stronger looking trailers out put them in the big hanger in the corner. Think amazon said the compost could be here today. Really going to try and give the honey suckle at least a hope of flowering this year. It says where it is and we keep getting flashbacks about looking after Margo's garden up in the shire when she had honey suckle or a few years and it still wasn't flowering. There is this image of us spilling miracle grow near it in way that made us suspicious. It was a lot and we spooned up a bit of it and then watered the rest in it was outside and in the ground so should probably be fine. It was when they were away we noticed the first hint of a bloom above where we had spilt the plant food.  So we added it to our plant watering regime at least it didn't involve carrying water up a attic ladder. A few of us did get quite nifty at that though and I think others may have spilt flower food on it in passing to. By the time they came back it was fucking glorious and we told her there was a surprise out the back. What a state she was in..

It is already quite fabulous out there in a cute kind of way. Still haven't built the bench yet will do though. Promised the lad we would do it together anyway. We have been encouraged a lot to get some butterfly bush for the bottom for privacy. When we were here talking about it one of the guys had to be briefed by one of the other guys that privacy stuff was exactly the kind of the thing we had been programmed not to do so doing it would cause massive anxiety and severe risk of attack. Then we all had to explain to him what programming is, being told not to do something repeatedly with extreme violence and starting when very small. Poor guy. He asked who by of course, well fascist minded people everywhere but it was the British, Russian and U.S networks that were the hard core and the hardest to crack.

A local example of that system came out the kitchen and the guy was viably freaked by it all. Not sure what happened next think the local example switched to violence mode and we stopped him said some shit and then he left, they all left. Cunts.

You would tell us to take it easy today wouldn't you.

Love you. Love you to Shaun.
xxx 

April 25, 2017

Hi Daddy!

Weed guy has just been. Thank goodness. He was kinda later than usual..:-\ Got Chinese delivered to but forgot not to order satay from that place because both the chicken and the sauce are not good which is a shame cause we like their other sauces they don't turn to a solid the moment they are luke warm. The salt and chilli ribs had plenty quite tasty bits on them though. Wine to, fuck it. Wanted to eat food we didn't have to cook then drink wine and smoke spliffs and write to you. The new Zelda game got him into all the old ones again so he is pretty distracted. Wish you could teach him how to talk to us Dad or teach us to be less bothered by it so we could deal with it ourself.

We have been thinking about the time in the hospital together. Holding your hand when we went down to dinner. How weird that was. Our stomach responded the only way it could when we looked at the food back then but you were sitting next to us so it couldn't keep doing that either. We ended up laughing at how switchy we were and then apologising, you said it was fine and we believed you. It was so right we were there together. Being together in a psychiatry unit, surrounded by other patients and their normal niceness or indifference or obvious out of it ness, we were glad of that.

 Then we remembered that we used to always feel like wherever we were was the most perfect place for us to be in if you were there to and you noticed our mood totally change and asked. We felt that lose again. How it felt when we were still physically little to miss you all the time and know that every day they were taking us further from each other and further from hope. To survive all the abuse and torture as people tried to make us talk about you, give up on you, hate you, believe you were someone else. We managed to swallow down whatever they were serving and say we were remembering how much we missed you.

You let us see then, the state you were in to and wished so much you could of stayed in the hospital to. Knocking back whatever they gave us and letting whatever they said wash over us for a week or two and then get the bus back here together.

Later on one of the louder patients said something about you looking like someone, as people generally do. I can't remember what was said but we are pretty sure it resolved into laughter in ways it doesn't and hasn't much elsewhere.

The dudes are alright huh? We figured they must be but when we saw them we had no concerns like that anyway, just about them and that was good because that is what we are like its how we like to lead. It was something else when they brought out an non you before you got here. It was obvious, really fucking obvious none of them had a fucking clue what was going on, who each other were or who they were working for. It's was beautiful watching them loudly clearly figure out between each other who they should contact for instructions. We couldn't handle how well it was going at times then we remembered and just felt depressed. If there was anything different about this time it would have to be protected by us acting like there definitely was nothing different about this time. We have felt impressed by us before and not just when we forgot than we had multiple multiples running all kinds of support and back up we had forgotten about but when we are so awake and so know what we are doing. We cried a bit for whatever had us so awake and at the same time because we knew they were going to making things worse with whatever anti psychotic they were going to put us on and we were worried we wouldn't be able to get out from under them.

There were times we really wished we were in a better state to appreciate what was unravelling around me but we knew they take their clues on how they treat us by the way we are acting so we had to stay very focused on the art of keeping the mother fuckers guessing and remember only what we needed to when we needed it. We know us. We plan like fuck and we go over and over because we had been trained hard in that when little and it never stopped. And this was it. We were to old and had a brain with to many survivor pathways for this shit to continue as it was.

One of the most uncomfortable things this past while has been the blog writing and blog writing programming that went on. We know the external and internal battles about writing or talking about you have been major. Not everyone would be in a state to know that wanting to writing about you was fucking suicidal but claiming DID amnesia and a centre that didn't give a fuck about any of it seem to be more and more effective over the years. As was the large scale complex fiction production to. We can't remember the location or language but we were somewhere a few of us, somewhere we would all rather not of been but if we had to be we knew needed our eyes open, we must of been being cared for. Some bloke is walking us through some military type place and he's talking about "Soviet" style propaganda tsumanis and "we" being the one of us visible of the three or four armed,covering and none of us feeling out of our depth says "Soviet? Don't you mean Murdoch style?" and took a punch in the face that had us on the floor that we were too gallus to see coming. He was quick. Not for long though.

We didn't black out, we considered where we were then and there and the whole wider and wider awfulness that we were all in, what had just happened and what the options where. We actually programmed a computer that we sometimes used when we were not sure of ourself. Did we need to kill this person in order for all of us to survive? We turned it off because after awhile because it just kept saying "Yes" about everyone. We suspected some brother or other had been used to hack it but that bull. Someone suggested that if it got as far as asking it then we probably knew the answer and we agreed, it was so depressing though we so wanted there to be other ways and we worked so hard to find those other ways but any let up at any age meant instant horrific loss.

We all tried so hard to stop things we needed to tell you but couldn't to go to other,. wrong people but it wasn't always possible.

That morning. When you were sleeping after that night before and we knew you had seen and knew enough to not just be overwhelmed and destroyed by it as everything and everyone is if they do not know how it works. And you saw it. After all those fucking years. You could truly see us and we would see the whole us. And have to leave again of course. There was a finality to it. Not of me and you but of all that that we could never believe could ever be over. We could talk about it with you. We had completely forgotten by the morning that of course you did not come alone how would that be even possible.. But the look of him when he came in.. We didn't need him to say anything. We didn't need to see him break but he did and we were glad he did it there with you and me.

The parting though. We got all self centred and pissed that we had done all this work to get our mental health back and know we had to help it, you into the back of a car and watch it drive away then walk back into an NHS psychiatric unit.

We kept looking up at the sky. It wasn't bothering us we just walked you out the building on a niceish day with no cover.We said didn't we? About the wishing he could stay and we could enjoy the countryside and the views together then go home here get Pabs look after him and potter about in the garden. One of the lads had not seen that part of us before and was a bit shocked to hear us say such things but his colleague was a bit more experienced and I think was laughing at him, then we laughed about it to..

Maybe soonish.

Love you. All of you.

Through all the Satanism and hate and ignorance they could find, create from all over the world at us and we still ended up together in a bed clean and fed and safe in the centre of everything and everyone they believed was theirs, giggling about it.






April 24, 2017

Your not our brother

To begin with it was easy to hate what they had done to him, what they had him saying and doing but that became impossible over the years because of the evil and the harm he was doing. They would trigger the little that remembered him not being an abuser and he wouldn't do and say whatever he was told to and say to her.

Like the guy who did his show before him he doesn't exist, he died and is now is just layers of his victims and his abusers structured by his programmers with nothing underneath. It must be such a relief to our littles to know they are not alone in here when it comes to him. That we refused to take his call in the hospital and more people found out about him. Not sure if it was js or someone else pretending that came to the hospital because we had refused the call and were resisting programming but thankfully there were people around to help us we had been heavily drugged and he might of got us if they hadn't been around.

We did everything we could to stop them doing what they did to you but they always have very big numbers of previous victims keeping them safe and doing the work. We really hope it is over for you soon and everyone else who was broken and kept broken so the brain couldn't heal and forced you to do such horrific things over and over so you would never be able to remember who you were. We showed and screamed to so many nations, "both fucking sides" but they were usually too groomed and too conditioned to hear us or care. They knew its a horrible world out there and nothing, nothing would make them take any chances that may possibly lead to any aspect of their personal comfort and safety to be jeopardized. It matter how little the risk was and how great the gain could be. Privilege rules. The familiar is justified. 

I wish we could get out and take anyone decent with us and then end this satanic shit hole and all its rape bots and rape bot programmers permanently. Out there is teaming with life, hope, truth but Terra is death.

April 22, 2017

"Mum you believe in love now?!"

We are translating of course. Back then especially she didn't, wouldn't speak English. Maybe respect, esteem, pride or trust would be a better translation but the word and a sense of its meanings and power was already hidden inside us but we needed her to wake it up again and she did. All the people the were not working for the slavers and experimenters did. To her, the word "love" and the language it comes from was inseparable from the systems of oppression, theft and slavery. We could see when she talked where there highly intelligent survival morphed into the concepts of abusers who help you a little but are actually part of the slave systems. We understood, we knew you can't be ripping away peoples crutches, their defence systems especially when there is nothing else available. We could see she already questioned some of it by the way her eyes and body moved when she talked. She wasn't sure but it was the best they had. It was such relief, she was alive, not just physically walking around but her mind, it was alive and that meant there was hope.

Year later we were able to show her the history of how the abusers set up groups to capture and control anyone who was resisting or prone to resist and how the group that had groomed her had took the endemic rotteness and very long evil traditions and made out like there was nothing else. We knew that wasn't the whole story we had been given and were being given everything that people who were said to be incapable of resisting had kept safe, what they had nurtured, what they dreamed about in the tiny moments when genuine dreaming and wanting is possible.

She was heart broken and furious with herself for falling for it but we were able to show her in detail how it had saved her life and protected parts of her, we helped her have a much better understanding of DID and how levels and programming works and when she understood enough we could show her the work she was doing but was amnesiac of and how she wouldn't be able to do that work without those levels. She was worried that her now knowing would stop the work and we said there was no way those parts would be letting her take in what we were saying if they still had work they needed her to be unconscious about. They needed her awake they needed them all to work together. Then we reminded her that all her parts where just that, parts of her and waited for it to dawn and her dark eyebrows raise and eyes widen. What a fabulous moment.

My god her head was full of crap about the effects of trauma and dissociation we all had to work very hard but she was worth it, it was worth it. Besides everything we taught or figured out with her she would teach others.There was no way we could let them kill her but she had to know how they fought us and not just what we were fighting and once she had enough of a grasp she was easily able to surpass us, she was an adult after all an adult that isn't here. She ended up so soft we were scared we had gone to far and rendered her useless but it was just a stage she needed to be in, parts of her she had never been able to explore before and it made her utterly unrecognisable to them. We literally could go out to public places and eat whilst surrounded by them as usual and they were feat, inches away with no fucking idea who she was. That everything their work was focused on was sitting so close, unarmed and vulnerable while they were searching for something and someone entirely different. She asked what we were laughing about we said we would tell her later.

 My god we were so relieved when she found her centre and stopped acting, dressing, talking and feeling mumsy. It was awful. One of those things when something you thought you always wanted but could never come true and then it does and its wrong, just all wrong and you learn so much about yourself and what you need versus what you think you probably need.

Not everything we were told about her was complete fiction especially when we first met her and we were never one for genuinly believing it is essential for the people's safety that some people are tortured and enslaved but it surprises us when we can still be shocked by things. It surprised us to how much we maybe did think of her as "mum" when we found out her story and what happened to her here and was devastated. We kept telling ourself it was programming but we couldn't think of the source of it and couldn't unravel it. We had been told she hated Earth and we remembering being unsure if the Americans telling us this were trying to endear us towards her or otherwise. They weren't trying to but they very much did, it was one of those wacko systems where instead of being talked to be people who seemed nice but were working under people who were evil as fuck they were the sickos and the brief they were working under that was from a place that did not see things the same. Heaps of the stuff they said or made us do just made us laugh or undid bad programming. It was fun while it lasted.

We know this sense of people being so far away it doesn't matter if they are alive is unlikely to last forever. Of course it matters. We matter. Ze matters.



April 21, 2017

What's Love?

Think it was something we over heard that reminded us there was more than the cages, tables, equipment and abusers and that we would had to go and find it, find her. We had to find a time when they were not watching to make contact. There was a few of us in a room resting when another girl in, she was crying and it woke every one up. The shoved her in and locked the door again. She found a corner, curled up and started crying quieter and softer, getting louder every now and again in response to some pang that no one was going to help her with. Sometimes we would try to help and comfort each other but sometimes everyone was just to exhausted. Some times kids died in the room overnight and were left there until morning. We wondered if we still cried but just didn't hear it, didn't feel it at the time. We guessed and kind of hoped we still did before realising we had our opportunity in the darkness next to our sisters.

We knew mum had said they would help us out but they were not my friends they would just want to use me themselves I would have to figure out a way to get away from them once they got me out to get to people who were friendly. We have tiny flashes of it. The blackness and whole bright anything looks against it. She's right this place is massive. The people. Loud and shifty and sweaty. Our tiny hands looking even tinier against the controls and machinery. Our ridiculous brain. Figure out this. Don't think about that. We remember heat and orange above us and looking over our shoulder to see there would be no survivors as we flew on. Mum or someone had said it was the only way.

We had no idea what to do now. We just wanted to cry. We were so tired and got so far and did as best we could to follow mums instruction about what to do where and when to hide, where to refuel (friends with bigger hands had to step in at that bit but I wasn't to tell mom because she would not believe they were ok and they weren't certain they were anyway). We had said goodbye when we really didn't want to because it was to risky to do otherwise and done the rest ourself but now we were here and mums friends were feat away but we were stuck staring at the thing that was between us. "You need to make a noise" it came from somewhere and it helped us get our feelings together and focus on solving the problem. We remember someone new banging on the door of the room with there hands when someone else was chocking and turning blue. We tried something like that but it wasn't very loud, more like soft thuds we were not sure anyone would hear then we heard movement from the other side. 

We took a few steps back and started shaking and panicking again, thinking all I had done was transport myself to other horrors. Horrors without my sisters. We were stunned when the door opened. He looked kind of confused, maybe a bit angry as he stared out way over our head. He was shaped like the evil people who had us at the place and who helped us get out but he also somehow looked completely different. We couldn't help seeing he wasn't omitting evilness, it didn't hurt to look at him and that did weird things to our brain, to our everything. We stared up at him all the shadows on his face, there wasn't a lot of light and it seemed to be becoming less all the time and it made him look like a picture.

He looked around a bit more than turned around and shut the door behind him. We stood there for a bit trying to process what had just happened before realising we needed to try again. He came quicker this time and looked even more confused/angry than last time. We realised we would have to make another kind of noise but wasn't sure how and got as far as a gulp and a squeak before he looked down and saw us and gasped, fell over, grabbed me held me, stared, held me some more than carried me inside.

We hated leaving our sisters in that hell and hated not being able to tell them much but there was no future except the worst if I didn't, it would be their turn soon enough though and we could tell parts of it to their parts until then and that would help them even though they wouldn't know why. Well most of them. We saw the girl we were closest to was pretending to be asleep when we left. We wanted to talk to say we would be back but couldn't, we thought about her lying there a lot and missed her lots and lots and wished it wasn't so awful there.

We were not sure we had ever been with people who made us feel like it was okay to be a child before. We were surprised at how easy it was and how easily they disarmed us. On the journey they didn't understand when we cried what was wrong we didn't understand why they thought we were crying because we were thirsty or hungry. We were crying for our sister. Someone figured it out/got it out of us and instead of offering me stuff he just wrapped his arms around us for ages. He was saying stuff but we didn't bother trying to figure out what we knew we didn't need to, it sounded nice and good.

We saw her before she saw us. There was no way to tell her we were coming. Everyone in the hanger and through the building stopped and stared as the small group carried us to her. She was sitting, working. We are shying from remembering what she looks like. "Masculine" maybe if we were to use shitty here culture and we would rather not but can't access much else when embedded and abandoned here. She was so surprised and happy, once she was sure it was us and we hadn't been traced. We knew it was a good sign if she was happy and amazed with us. She did not agree to me going back but she had to accept they would loose what they had there and that couldn't be risked. We said we had to go back for our sisters to, she said they were not like me and we said we knew and "not yet". She smiled but only because she couldn't help it. She said it was my choice, they would be prepared to keep me there and fight as best they could and at the time we thought they were saying that because they didn't know what would happen if they had tried that but when we were older we understood that wasn't the case.

Any tiny remaining trace of a part of us that believed what we had been and would continue to be told about her disappeared when we saw her puke as the doors of the transporter shut to start the journey back. We hated that we only fully felt like that now we were leaving and it would be years before we saw her again. We were terrified we would go back to that place and still feel like a child and expect care from the adults there. We shouldn't of worried though because she was with us enough and our sisters knew enough to help us. We felt so proud when one of the guys carried us back in there pretending to be someone else. Once he had left they stared at us and asked us what had gone on with them and how we got out, asking why we looked so well. We just stood there and blinked at them like we were just a little kid and had no idea what they were saying, possibly peed ourself so they would believe we were all traumatised and so they would kick us out of there sooner so we could see our sisters.

Couldn't help a pang of guilt when we saw how physically different we had become. It was weeks, months at the most where I had been eating regularly and not being beaten, raped, tortured or experimented on and we hadn't seen how bad a state we were all in when we were all the same. We cried then, really cried and felt and heard it to. I think we managed to say we loved them. It might of been the first time. Mum had said it to us, so had lots of the other people we were glad to share it with those that had been stuck there the whole time. Telling everyone stories when we could about it seemed to really help everyone for a while and it helped us to.

After a while they split us up and we started being brought here but it was known they were going to do that so there was usually ways to make sure none of us we completely alone for too long. Usually.



...

April 19, 2017

we call each other mummy you can be mum is that ok

Few of the things we ordered last week have arrived, the long sleeved top that has patches and is very homey little girly and beautiful it makes even our non girly girls smile, like it's something our Dad would of dressed us in. The giant man tshirt with a picture of a unicorn came to it is also wonderful. They made us squeal a little with delight. Has to be a good sign that we are able to want, order and enjoy. They stink of factory so we put them in the wash and will dry them on the line tomorrow. We tried on the long sleeved and its great but it felt kinda uncomfortable and risky to wear something that little Rosie and others love so much, it fits over the boobs which was a concern cause if it was too tight we would never wear it all. If we can we will put it on and take a picture to show you.

A little box of plug plants came to. I love the whole little box of baby plants coming through the letter box thing. 12 petunias, 4 lovely colours. We are going to treat them properly this year and take them in at night for a week like they always say to do. We went back to feeling really good out there, planting up the plugs, assembling the shelving that will hopefully keep stock seedlings out of cat range, tidying up, feeding and watering. We rearranged the hangers to which have been in the same places since last spring if not longer and that did so much psychological good.

The push for us to give out information on mother never ended. Being tortured by people asking about her when we had no idea about anything was just something that happened. There was quite a few hospital visitors desperately trying their luck by using triggers that did nothing and trying to confuse us about who we were. We laughed at them when a British bloke was trying to teach one of the women who worked on the ward how to manipulate us. "Dude we identify as plural and confused, that's our centre, reminding us of that is only going to help, thanks. Whatever the last cunts did to us totally messed us up and you just straightened us right out there cheers". . . oh the old pretending to be part that doesn't know they are swearing.. lol..It was the main most skilled programmers, those trained in rare techniques that were too valuable to have out and about much that we knew and mother knew we had to keep things hidden from. If we could keep them out then it would be unlikely any of the people under them could get what the Russians couldn't. 

We became so quick to dissociate majorly at the mention of or thoughts relating to "real mother" we would use it on ourself when needed not to be present. I think we did pretty good at not giving them information about her even during mapping years. There was so much disconnect between the rings it was possible to use whatever one group was doing to effect parts in ways that meant other groups would not get what they wanted because the parts they were after had become unreachable. As years went on there were so many layers put there by us and abusers that we rarely had to worry about saying something or thinking or feeling anything that related to her because we couldn't of got near any recollection or sense of any of it no matter how much we tried and how much we felt we needed to remember.

Sometimes it would get too much and one of us would feel close to giving whoever what they wanted so they would them kill us and it would be over but there was always too much that stayed too close to each other and to others to let that happen.

Every now and again we would have to go to her and get help finding ways so we could fix our system enough to function at all we were just such a mess of amnesiac and non able parts. She would help get our system to a place where we could function better and help us find ways to survive whatever was going to happen next but ze was just another fighter, another escapee, another expert in all this shit and we had to keep it that way.

They were always very determined. We always knew when one lot gave up another would be along soon enough. With the size of their systems they would catch things here and there that made some of them even surer she was still alive and still active. We knew we would have to be even more determined to not tell them than they were in finding out and that was going be the hardest thing we would ever have to do and we would have to keep doing it for a very long time. We persuaded her to be less active and let us do her work and let them catch us and tell them you had trained us and then left saying your probably would never be back. Which was hardly bull. The bull would be looking them in the eyes and persuading them we had no idea who she was and did not have ongoing contact with her when we did. It was one of those very hallow victories because we couldn't help thinking if they had not broken and split us and tried to kill us so much we would totally be giving ourselves away right now. 

Those "We have no mother" walls are still there in places of course but are being traversed. One patch of stuff that is definitely on the other side is why we feel so confident writing about this now.  The danger, the terror just isn't there any more and we are our usual 'yeah we knew this would happen/did we fuck what the hell are going on about/whateves usuals' self.. wtf..

What we told the Russian's about Trumps and what we told everyone about the Russians and Trumps being exposed as bang on can only be a part of it. Yep getting back into comfortably concerned territory now.. 

But we actually feel like things are going to get better.. its maybe just the antidepressants and the vitamin D and the internal communications but maybe its because things are going to get better without getting worst first.

(She prefers"Sir" though. Like us.. and she hates gender to. She tells us not to use 'he' or 'she'. It's great. I know your superiors will never change their mind about her but neither will we and we know her..)



Mum this is .. Daddy.

Can't do much else but come on here and wash out more wounds. We have changed both the blog and twitter over to Rosa, some one used it to say thank you for rting them and it hasn't helped our tearfulness. Knowing we were going to loose him and we wouldnt be together has been very crippling particularly as we have spent a lot of time held in situations where we were surrounded by people who bring it up to gloat and who knew which of our parts couldn't bare it the most.

The stuff that we had been programmed to well and too early to ever tell him was for most of us stuff we weren't sure about or didn't feel any need for him to know. We had other people for that stuff and him not knowing didn't mess the contentment we would feel around him. There was a couple of attention needers that sometimes longed for him to know everything and to think about us as others did but we wouldn't think about that for long before feeling scared and ill and it so would go back to being a very special girl in a very awful situation as that was the truth anyway.

"Your mother" We were being asked again. "No not any of them the real one. We know she is alive and we know she is helping you." This was all fucking news to us and our face showed it. Something quick and strong in us they had just pushed whatever it was that they were using to knock us out and it all went black. When we came round we were confused and the system had all changed we tried to answer the questions as best they could. We watched their attitude and language to and around us change as we did until we knew we were ahead of them. They started the we are your friends but we are being forced to pretend we arn't routine which is so standard.

Once they had left we took a little moment to think about what has just happened and how many others had been asking the same questions. We had no option with the way the system worked and the way they forced the amnesia and then the faked the memories so all the victims believed they might be the youngest daughter in that family and had been with them their whole life we had to shut down all thoughts about her. It wouldn't be that hard we had all the systems in our head that made us amnesiac of our sisters and our kids.

We were generally not all that convinced she was until we saw the way they went after her and it reminded us of the way we had seen them go after us and we were convinced she was at least from the same systems and not lying to us about how much she was fighting them.

Writing this we remember a phone call when our head was so bust you could of said pretty much anything to us. What the voice said was that he wanted to remind us that we have a mother and she was on our side. We free to be little and cool about it. We said something about our Daddy finding her and he said yes Daddy found her. She would be helping us all as soon as possible.

We were quizzed of course, about the who and the what of the call but all we needed to do was leave the answering to most of the system because it had no idea what that call was about or who to or if it really happened.

We knew it would be long and awful night though once the quiz wondered off to discuss tactics with the staff and others. Any hint of "our real mother" and all the rings and abusers would get instantly and radically even worse and less survivable.

We survived though. Or at least some of us did.

Why the hell are we writing this now is it was always so dangerous before. Well systems have changed, like we keep saying when they get what the want and don't think we could possible jeopardize it they have other people to bother and leave us alone. We also have a sense of this being a part of our survival plans, like many posts have been, at times forced on us or just us or with someone else helping. We are hardly going to sit here forever with a big gaping hole in our being covering any do with having any mother at all, doing so much work with so many of us but leaving out those of us who remember or how anything about her.

We were as confident as we could be that we got the plan out to Mum when we got the confirmation through. The chances of someone else knowing that code was ridiculously small. Impossible even but numbers girl knew that but not that it was a good idea, emotion girl knew it was absolutely something we needed and had to do but would never feel convinced it was real.. We stood by the electric fire in the flat thinking on that before an ill fated attempt at something domestic in the kitchen.

"We know you were talking to your mother.."

We knew we would not of done anything to trigger an attack from these cunts if we did not think we could handle it. Little was quite frustrated when some of them ran away down the close and got away and we saw ourself standing there in the lobby outside our flat door and we knew we must of had contact with mother because whenever we did we got this glaring obvious self awareness that we didn't get at all when we had all thoughts of her safely at the back of an endless cupboard. That had to be a significant factor in why they were all so against her but it wasn't just that. Her very existence seemed to threaten them, all of them we never saw them unite quite like they did for anything or anyone else.

We weren't on our own when it finally did start to unravel. We had sisters and others there to help hold us together. We are not worried about that happening again because we know we have it up so it will happen gradually. We don't feel like we are endangering ourself particularly either. It feels the same lots of danger but we are maybe a bit less scared of it.





April 18, 2017

..refused to allow us to maintain his life through unnatural means..

We knew. Before, after, during on various levels and never all at the same time. Someone tried to make us face it in hospital we hid from them but think he grabbed us and stared into our eyes, "Your Dad's dead. He died months back." Then he said something about that being the reason we were ill and in there using pretty stigmatising language. We came round then. We knew who we were in comparison to him. He was on the floor when someone else non friendly came in and asked about the guy on the floor. We were back sitting on the bed, all tiny. We said the guy said something horrible so we hit him but he was okay he would get up in a minute. He said something we didn't understand or hear and then left quite quickly. We looked down on the other guy. He wasn't going to getting up again and we knew that meant we were probably safe enough to sleep soon as no one would want to come near us. We tried not to think about all the drugs that were feat away and how much we were terrified of them in general but particularly in the hands of scary people.

There was someone less horrible who talked to us briefly about it sometime in the days after that. Think he might of asked us if we were all right and we were stable enough to say we were obviously were not. We have said stuff about Scotland and the role they had us in being permanently unsafe so often we probably managed to repeat some of that because we can remember feeling the hate rise in one of the guys with him and pity in the other when we did. We asked the guy we were speaking to look at the most basic facts about me and son's life and history and ask how we would agreed to or be benefiting from any of it.

He looked away, he wasn't disagreeing. The hater did. He said something noxious that gave the pitier a bit of a start and stare him instead of me. We were going to say something but then just let out a sigh and motioned towards the guy who said the noxious shit then looked back up the guy who we didn't hate enough that we would not be able to talk to at all. Not sure if that was a time when we said something. Something about if that was true what would talking to us like achieve or bring up some of the many many inconvenient to their fiction facts or if it was one of the times when we just remembered that 95% of the time nothing we could say would change there perspective it had to come from someone they knew, someone they identified with, one of their own and remained uncooperative until they left.

Was it a yearish ago? I dunno. Could be. If it's true. It was awful. Someone used to say he didn't like me and my Daddy being so close because it would be hurt us too much when we were apart. What utter bollocks. None of us bought it for a moment but some our sisters got tricked into it and very furious when they realised it was just more divide and conquer nastiness. It didn't matter that we got a little time to hold and weep with our remaining sisters at the hospital we could barely even see them we were just so broken. It mattered to the littles that we can't access on our own lots though.

We were also just so focused on getting through certain conversations with particular slavers/intel agents. We were split into parts that were able to deal with the associated traumas and ones that absolutely could not and we needed to show the petrified ones that the rest of us we were there now and could stand up to the abusers and protect them.

There was moments when people turned and left and we watched them collapsed on that hospital bed weeping in relief at being left there alone like that because other worse alternatives were so close. So fucking close.

Surveillance Surveillance Surveillance and Extreme Violence

Washed and dried our bedding on the line yesterday so of course we need to stay in it this morning and get it all less clean. Pretty confident we will manage to pull ourselves out later on to do more cleaning. The kitchen is much better. It's between the garden and the rest of the house so if the outside if pulling us it gets easier to keep it from getting too bad. There's plants, seeds and furniture on the way. That will definitely motivate. Lad has promised to assist with the bench that has been in the house in a box for almost a year..

Can't seem to catch CNN not being shit as much as we did. There's Al Jazeera of course if we can stomach the blood. Go for the bairns. How original. How brave. How effective..

 Steady stream of meetings being exposed between Dumpists and wealthy Russians though on twitter. Bits here and there about European countries to. Not Britain so much. Expect that stuff with the important website going down and an important time and stuff connecting Farage and Assange. But nothing much and nothing that had any real effect..

When we were working with U.S agents who at least believed they were telling us the truth and not going to be part of shutting us down it would be heart breaking watching them trying to get their heads round right wing Russia and Britain and US media connections with the available information. They still had lots of respect for their British colleagues and where no where near seeing/accepting that they had been playing them the whole time. We hinted to a couple of them who we could see by the look in their eyes and the work they were submitting they would going to be letting any of it go that maybe the should consider looking further back than they had been.

They found me on my way to being pulled out of there and sent back to rape based stuff. Again there eyes gave them away it was a massive relief that we needed to survive the next months and years, they were getting somewhere. In a typical North American manner looks are not enough for them and they said a bunch of stuff that confirmed and some that were getting somewhere.

The break up of the UK seems so much more likely than it did. Proper exposure here seems impossible as ever of course. The links between the shit we have written about across the blog are out there. We would ask them in Russia why if they wanted to destabilise everything everyone why they wanted to protect the existence of the U.K so we would be repeatedly told in varying detail and bluntness about the shared interests and culture. Thee was bugger all point in sharing this stuff with Brits but we gave it a go pretty much for the fun of it anyway. Different story with the Yanks. There was a few who said it was all fake and we knew they would we just wanted to expose them to it anyway, a few who were triggered in an extreme manner and attempted to take us out then and there or arrange something for later if that was not practical but there were others who equally horrified by the material and British full involvement in what Russians were doing in the UK.

Full involvement with all the large scale awareness and consent that involves. Yuck Sir. We've caught ourself half wishing we hadn't held Daddy get safer and bit better because we knew he would ask as soon as he would ask about it and no would can ever be ready to hear or speak such stuff. Britain, Russia, R.A, established authorities, Us'es. He would here everything we would safe and when we could would get someone to take him to sites where are people where working with the evidence and tell him and show him stuff we will never be old enough to. We would hide and cry when he came back and spend the whole time fretting when he was away. If there was anyone around they would usually be able to get it out of us that Daddy was being told the worst stuff about Britain and they would help distract and comfort us.

He often cry to when he did get back, he would usually say he was proud of us and a couple times he was shaking and was just so quiet and pale and would just sit on the edge of his bed staring. We put our hands around his and wrap ourself around him as best we could. If he wept we knew it was a good sign it would be he would be able to rest and have a chance at being okish. We would be wound so tight until he did. One time people kept asking us what was wrong and when we said and they told him he told us he was okay he didnt need to cry this time we ok and then asked if was okay if we could sing to him and got him to cry that way. He hugged us properly again then, laughing and crying at the same time.

None of any of that was even imaginable over here. At any point then or now.




April 17, 2017

Ug Daddy,

It's even worse with no contact with you are my sisters. I mean I know you and them are always 'here' but without real regular reminders that you and them are physically real it gets harder and harder to remember who I am..

...

"What about our mother?"

We had had a feeling she was about to ask that and we had been trying to get the energy to get up and try and get away from it but she would of probably of just followed us or asked louder anyway. All the rest of us were in a post battle dissociative haze, coming down and coming down hard. Not her. She was up. Her brain only seemed to turn on when everyone else turned off. It was probably because that was the only time she could get a word in or could even hear herself but it did our head in.

I'm not allowed to get into that until we are older.

Says who?

Well it's not so much as we aren't alive it's that we have enough to deal with and it would be best to leave until we are older..

We all looked over at someone when she squeaked and flinched because something under debris near her foot. It stopped and she moved on and the rest of us looked away. Chirpy was quiet and we were so glad for a moment then before it dawned what that silence meant. She was thinking and the longer she thought the worse the next question would be.

It didn't come from her. It came from Sombre sitting next her.

But I thought you knew everything.

We probably sighed and she was maybe about to say something else but we stopped her. It was a fair point and as good a time as any to address it.

Yeah but it's really deep down. Our sanity wouldn't be able to cope with how bad it's going to be and we have to fight hard and we won't be able to do that if some of the things that are going to happen are going to happen no what what we do.. It will make the programming worse and make it easier for us to give information to people who shouldn't have it.

They both made noises in agreement. Flincher was still wandering through the debris looked over at us. She was coming round. We were not completely convinced of all of it it. There was certainly some truth but we knew we had not figured out difference between all of abusive and supportive systems when it came it to people who said they were trying to protect us. We didn't really feel in a state to make any head way with it then and there.

Bro said something then. We had forgotten he was there because he hadn't been there for a while and because they had but all of us through stuff aimed at making us forget and bury all sense and memory of him. Can't remember what it was but it was really useful. One of us said we were really glad he was here and the rest of us agreed. He started crying and I we really started remembering him properly and we all ended up hugging and crying.

The transporter came for us not long after that. We were terrified they were going to take him from us but the guy said it wouldn't be happening yet. None of us cared how long for or what they were going to do to us next not in that moment we were just glad we were together. So glad. I and maybe more of us knew we had been told they would make us suffer greatly for any joy and happiness we felt no matter how or why we felt it but it didn't matter. For a while. They made him sleep in one of the changes when we got back think they said it was because it was knew to them. We didn't believe it we saw the way they looked at him. If bro knew he wasn't showing it and was curled up facing us and smiling with his eyes closed and we couldn't help smiling like that to.

He made it easy to let go of the worries over biological mothers and wars we would have to fight after we had survived all the wars we were currently in.

April 16, 2017

7 years, 10,000 views.

How many writers?

It might of been us you know. That was grabbed from that shed when three of us had escaped and were hiding and living there together. It had to be me because the other two were all too little and they wouldn't be able to protect themselves or the rest of us from the systems that bloke and his associates handed us over to. We hadn't had enough time to teach them or tell them enough, then hadn't seen enough. We hadn't counted on how much the other two would never let us go though and for how much of it it wouldn't of mattered which of us they had. At the centre of it all though was something we believed only we could face and if we faced and failed it would determine millions of years of more and worsening slavery for pretty much everyone everywhere.

Some of the groups were running a line where they told us something like that, thinking it was fiction and they became so useful for us. It was believed they could learn more from watching us with people who were less smart and knew less than attempting to interact with us themselves because this triggered us into acting like I was a normal kid they just picked of the street or out of a family home. They couldn't budge us from that state and knew the longer the more they spent with me the more I would be learning who and what they were. It's not like that was really all that limiting. We always messed up when we forgot how much we had to hide and over heard one of them saying that it didn't matter if I was unconscious one way or another I would still be learning and the drugs got away from us because we remember feeling kind of impressed he knew that and another of them picked up that we had responded to something.

We were surprised further at how much they seemed to by buying whatever we said about what we had just responded to and was terrified they would see again. It was that terror that probably saved us. They didn't believe the real one would be scared, one of them was particularly certain of that because he had seen it. We had know idea what he was talking about or if it was us but how did he not get I would be different in different situations but we knew many sides were making and altering all kinds of footage and docs. Another one, the worst of the three of them that were interrogating us said he thought we never stopped listening, never stopped thinking, never stopped watching and never stopped lying because he saw it in us, little things.

We said we weren't listening to them we were listening to us'es and remembering. They wanted to know more and we acted hesitant and shook and stuff before bring forth our drama freaks and they bought it. It wasn't bullshit. It was just that they couldn't imagine it both things could be true. When they thought it wasn't us some of them would be lot less horrible. One in particular was suspiciously nice but he blew it by giving himself away by saying something we had only heard being pushed by the Brit networks and was so relieved when knew he was working for them both that's how he knew it was us, he told us straight out in later years. We started being nicer to some of less worst others convincing them of particular parts and working on what to say when he presented his "proof". Think it finished him when he tried when he didn't have much because he was convinced them were going to out him anyway.

We were left standing staring at whatever he had brought in. Stone slab with human made marks, forgetting again that we had to not be us and one of them saw it and we saw it dawning in his eyes. Briefly. Before we realised we might get away with them not existing now that the Brit was gone.

Back in Blighty when we said they all lost it and killed each other they were not buying it but we were not putting any effort into convincing them of anything than the unlikeness of us giving them any reliable information about anything. They were confident they would get the information from their "other sources" we didn't know if they meant they would access our parts at another time or had other people. Either way we knew the only ones who knew, the only ones who could speak it would not be the ones to be telling them.

When we were in hands of the central shit though we were right. It did have to be us, this system, supported by all the others yes but it had to be this wet ware. Whatever had briefed us had been right. Someone had to be prepared for this to stop it and no fucking way would you be giving it to any more than one person because that would only add to all the serious inhumanity. It worked. We convinced them they had the wrong one and we came out of knowing the centre, just had been predicted by some with no idea what they were dealing with. Just everything else ever to deal with. As Dad says though there is no point in trying to fix anything else if you can't get any where with the centre. Then he would remind us that yes unfortunately we were his favourite because of all this and because we needed it.

Ok. Back to bro. He was with the three of us. At the very beginning. There was others we think. They are not the other two. We have a strong sense of more than one person telling us to spell out to "bro" what that early beginning and breeding means. Horrifically stretched women. Multiple multiple pregnancies is as about as much as we can stomach at the moment. Their are posts where we go into or at least allude to more details.Wraps, tanks, clips, egg shaped stones of different sizes. And all that was before modern Western science and tech.

Told the lad we would have a writing day if that was okay with him. He says he was fine. We assist with Breath of Wild at some point. Duvet and tunes is good this now though.

King

It's raining! Not a lot but enough to make coming back to bed and opening this up seem like the only logical thing to do. Had a peek out the back door. Same patten as last year and the one before probably. Spring holiday flattenedness that gets a bit better just before the schools go back and we are getting the rubbish and the weeds out the back garden while the dishes in the kitchen are piled dangerously and we are down to using bottle openers to get the tea bag out our tea. We washed some cups and stuff the boy needs most yesterday and there is a single steak left from when Niall was here for him later that will go down very well.

Thought we would sleep better considering we did some physical activity, over smoked though of course and had to get up to eat the last of giant whole nut the shop was selling for £1:50, in the dark. It was fucking glorious. That combination of nutty savoury crunchiness and decent smooth chocolate.. The frazzles a bit late were a bit much for some of us but someone was demanding them and we know whoever was asking as gone with a lot of their needs unheard and unmet so we thought we should do whatever we can when we can..

Where are you at? We hear some of you hollering. Well.. Bro thoughts and Dad thoughts and being raped by non white high profile American males in Dundee with the help of the local rapey fas. Rings in systems where things often seem exactly as they are. Which of course as well can all now was and is supported by white male Russian supremacy and Dumpists. We want/don't want to say "Jessie and Dre" but there was definitely others. As usual once the main objectives are achieved agents turn up and stop it pretending that they were trying to stop it or would of stopped it if they had known when they were making sure real people didn't know and being a major part in the apparatus of it all.

There are memories of sharing the history and the nature of the over lap between the British and Russian right in full grotesque detail and feeling convinced when whoever we were telling saying we came to right place with it all. When it came to sharing it with English speakers we were so fucking exhausted. When they asked who else we had shared it with and we said automatically "Just you" to see a reaction we were too tired and bored to care about and they believed of course because of the way we said and because they know fuck all about fuck all. Then we would just shake our head at them and loose all motivation to go through the next lines. It was much more fun with Europeans and Canadians. There was a universal eyebrow raising and words or noises that could be translated into Scots as "Did ye aye?".. Then we would all have a laugh and I would give them a run down of where we had been and where we are going and what if any consequences it would have.

They were generally impressed. Some places all lot more sombre than others. There was an atmosphere of people who have know they have fucked up catastrophically and are not in positions to avoid or ignore the consequences. Better than being in places where they are pretending it is all normal, ignorable, fiction or maintainable.

Yep. Anything about black mostly male rich US popular culture blokes, Russians and RA still has the power to have us quaking.

More tea but with sugar this time.

It's not a scene where we ever did not know who our Dad was. That was their initial hook.



April 15, 2017

Good Friday

We got away with the money situation because of money going in early because of the holiday. Delivery food, wine, weed. All much appreciated. The lad as requested reading time be reinstated and we agreed as long as we get to choose at least half of the time, that way we can get him to read stuff we want him to read. The earlier end of screen and bed time makes it easier to agree to and probably is a factor in him asking to as well. Go him into Worst Witch last night. Think he said at teeth brushing time that he has just finished the third. They're not that long..

Did some gardening today. There is purple violas that have survived from last year in one of the hangers. The painted ceramic one so thats pretty cool. It's been quite an inspiration. 

Got him to do some watering yesterday that always goes down well. Chucked some miracle grow about to. There is a two other types of survivors from last year (very hardy annuals?) The lots of little white flowers stuff which is starting to bloom and stumpy lupiny type things. That are in a few different colours we believe but are just greenery and buds at the moment. Nothing much from the edge of the fence survived. It's too popular with cats and isn't deep enough or big enough. There is one little purple something that is either from the wild flower packs but could be something else. The pot of pinks at the back door must also be an well hardy annual. They are going mental with cool greyish greenery and buds. That makes them easy to water.

He moaned of course but we enlisted him dead leaf gathering and weed pulling yesterday. Today i picked out the moss between the slabs and pulled even more. The cabbagey stuff is pretty satisfying to pull up but the doc.. is doc. Got a few of the twisted carroty fuckers though all with cover our hands in doc juice with the gloves still in the cupboard. Yeah we ordered night scented stock seeds, two different kinds, pinks and blues. We have managed it before and we love it. And some plug plants for the baskets that still have ivy in them and lots of lots of weed. The pots of course will need to be de cat shitted before anything new goes in them.. New baby plants will make that easier..

xxx

April 13, 2017

charity

Lady from young carers charity was round. She read out the statement made by the social worker. Most of it was true enough, it did include things the police cornered us into saying when they forced their way into the house and of course describes me as being delusional about the trafficking. It was kinda surreal at times the way she talked about horrible pasts and cupboards you can't see the back off and throwing stuff in it in a box then throwing that box in the cupboard and then putting new things in front of the cupboard.. or something. She asked of course about family and where Pabs comes from and when it started. We didn't bother asking her to call us Rosie or Rosa. It probably would of helped us if we had though.

She seemed to understand when we talked about dissociation though but I always get the feeling that when we are asked when it started and we say probably when we were tiny and pre verbal they think that makes what we are saying less likely. It could just be our paranoia though.

It was hard of course hearing how much we fail at being a parent read out to us. Impossible not feel like we are letting him down and that we are useless. She might not be able to help him anyway because the group she runs includes kids that are there because of autism in the family and they are there to get  break from it. Its utterly impossible for us to be enthusiastic about anything offered to us of course because of where we are and who we are. We would let him go if they offered but being reasonably confident that he would be safe is not going to stop us from worrying and remembering horrible stuff that happened to us at his age the whole time he was gone.

Of course the referral from the social worker mentions how we have stated they was and is police collusion so of course that could never happen and police denial are received as proof somehow that there was no police collusion.. Never not going to be disgusted by that.

We kind of messed up when spent that money.. we thought this week was another good but of course it isn't and the Sky bill came off so we cashless. Not that bothered about being weedless, not that we would turn it down if they guy who is owe us money and said it would pay it back in green turns up. Not that he would. He wanted us to buy from him and he would add a little extra on each time. We are not up for that but there is fuck all we had do about it. Glad we are eventually in a place where are confident we wont be buying from him or his bro again. Or so we are saying today anyway when we have no money and not really craving it much anyway..

Got the lad to help us tidy up the garden a little once she was gone. Not for long out back starts hurting straight away and its not a particularly inspiring space, he cleaned his room to and we have told him he will be coming to the shops with us (if I am right about there being a tenner in our purse) no matter how much he moans about it.

Miss you Daddy. xxx

April 11, 2017

"You said I wasn't to contact you."

Kitchen is getting pretty bad. Went into town today though, not for long but it got the lad out the house. We are not any less triggered or heartbroken by the area we are in. If anything it's worse.

Bro has been on our mind a bit today. The whole thing were he like everyone else was talking to people who weren't us and who stuck very tight to the script and didn't believe any of us on the rare times any of us got any where near him. The best we could get was for him to believe none of it. Its a bloody effective way to permanently destroy relationships that is to force you to listen to abusers and their projects convince someone you love that they are you and slowly convince them you are everything you are not over decades.  Think they had him phone us in hospital so they could listen and see what they could find out and the usual messing with our head and emotions.

We had to go see him back when the three of us were together and conscious in Dundee can't remember why. To help him with something they had planned for him and/or beg for help but we ended up just getting angry. We got him to look around where he was living then phoned the girls and got them to show the flat and give a few details about their life then we asked after everything he had seen and heard who did it look like was doing the most favours for rich evil people, who was the useful idiot?

The one with the successful career, the one with the nice home full of nice things and nice food, the middle class one that has a vested interest in not rocking this boat that's who.

Saw it in my sisters eyes to, they use him and people like him to launder the money from our slavery, they use people like him to make out like everything is ok to launder the culture to and just like it is supposed to it kills us.

No none of said before you shouldn't contact us. We said it would be really difficult because of the abusers and surveillance but we needed you besides if you don't contact us you won't know us and you start believing any old satanic crap your told about us. No we did not tell you to not contact us but I am saying it now. Your only calling because you have been told to and we told those people were not trying to help us and you still don't believe me or care enough to do anything about it. It's horrific for us to talk to you knowing who told you to do it and who is listening in so we won't be talking to you again. I know we have said this before but we mean it this time..

Or something like that. It was so horrible but people we care about being used as weapons against us is such  a standard technique and so effective we have to do everything we can to protect ourself from it and that means telling people we don't want to see or here from them ever which is also pretty satisfying for the traffickers. They don't need to control a relationship that has ended.

April 10, 2017

smoke eat drink

Ach we're fine. Just can't stop consuming. Chocolate and weed. Nipped out for baccy this evening we should of got it when we went to shop earlier but when we went back in the evening we went buy ourself and the air was nice, we got wine to. They have two French reds with a pound off.. Couldn't walk past that. That area was bare last weekend what with bloody Mother's Day. Got cheesy Doritos to. Got old El Paso salsa salad and wraps ealier on to go with the chicken that we did indeed stick in the oven for slightly longer than necessary. We should of cooked the pastry and made gravy to but we couldn't, could of eaten it if someone else had though. We did eat most of the wrap.. He had the instant mash the co-op does that is pretty fine and corn on the cob with his.

Been spending on Amazon too.. with plans to spend more soon.. We have ordered tops for us and that as you know is really fucking difficult, we will see what arrives and if it fits, is a material that doesn't make our skin crawl, a colour that doesn't make us cry or kill people, a shape that won't make us think we are either of you.. Ordered another sleep tshirt to. It would be difficult but probably a good idea to start letting the ones we have go.. And trainers for us, the lightweight kind like the ones we borrowed in the hospital. There is yo ky stuff coming for Pabs. The money was there so we ordered a game of life yo ki whateveritsfuckingcalled version, he asked that we start reading to each other again.. We wish that was easy for us to give him but we do struggle a lot with the way he talks to us and there is always so much going on in here it is not easy. We know sometimes we literally have to force ourself to hang out with him and end up having a really good time though to.

Gawd we hate seeing cunts with their bairns safely seated in the back going and coming back from places. It's worse now that driving around here sounds tricky but not impossible. It's fucking April people. What are you waiting for? They are already shutting down borders. You know what happens next.

This was supposed to be a positive post.. Gonna get new pony shes fabulous.. just put new pics on twitter.. couldn't handle the big hair any more..

..don't leave us on our own..








clockwork

How can we be almost out of weed we got a half ounce on Wednesday. Yeah it was a bit wet but still and maybe he ripped us off a wee bit but still..

We had someone witness a call. A call from a sister who was far far away. And in the hospital there was times when we knew exactly what was going on and what we were doing. Did we drug the other one and stick her in a metal box? Some prick asked "What's that?" as we wheeled her out to the transport. Can't remember what we said but he didn't question it and didn't check. Kept it very brief with the delivery people. They were supposed to be scum but weren't and we were all worried about doing something that exposed that.

Then they were off. We went back in not worried about losing the struggle against programming and triggering and remembering the truth because we had done what we needed to do. All their messing with us would make us more anxious and confused which would keep all the abusers smug and satisfied and make us much more likely to believe whatever we were told and whatever seemed to be going on.

What good is possible though?

Possible isn't going to make sure he brushes his teeth tonight, possible isn't going to clean the kitchen, or get us to go outside or make us safe.

Love u.






April 09, 2017

Nutcase

We hoovered the downstairs hall and threw some bleach over both toilets. I'm not cooking that chicken or cleaning the kitchen but we took out the frozen bog we managed to eat the other day and will maybe chuck the chicken in the oven later. It's not going to become any more appetising by leaving it in the fridge.

Think it's a become a bit of a tradition of ours that we plan a roast chicken tea for Easter Sunday that doesn't happen coz we like two years old being looked after by a six year old..

The question on our mind is how long would be prepared to be here like this if it meant saving one or both of our sisters lives. We only have answer to that, "not forever." and that leaves quite a lot of time.

Where are we? April. Trump is doing exactly what we told people he would do and we believe that is triggering something but we can't remember what or if is going to make any real difference to us. Don't know if Brexit, May and right wing Europe stuff all happening was discussed much with anyone who would or could do anything. There is the half memory of me being able to get help to get sisters out so we could leave them in Dundee with Pablo so we could go to Europe to deal with European stuff and not in a normal makes no bloody difference to us way.

Whatever actually went down we would of had to keep far away from the Brits, the Russians and fascist Yanks regardless so we made sure the parts keep what they knew to themselves when we got back, which means we can't remember it now. It's not a pleasant mental and emotional place knowing you are doing that yourself it's impossible to escape the anxiety it creates but we do remember a time not long after we got back. We were all having to hang out in the living room because of all they tech in the bedroom no one including us wanted to touch because they would no and coz it was so yucky. They were both asleep and we opened our eyes to watch them which is always good after such long times of them never being there when we opened our eyes. We hoped it would help us think clearer and figure out our priorities but this calmness came over us and we knew it was related to whatever had gone down in Europe that we had to shove behind a massive wall as well as them. It was more than enough for us to stop worrying that there going to loose them and desperately wondering what else we could do for them and for ourself.

It was the loveliest and strangest feeling of everything going to be okay that reminded us of being with our Dad. We laughed at ourself a little as we feel asleep. Imagine feeling like everything is going to be ok? What a nutcase.

April 08, 2017

let it go..

We cleaned round our bed and put new bedding on yesterday. Left some pens and our favourite colouring books next to the bed and when we doodled a little. Not sure how long it's been since we looked at our pens. Before Christmas I think. We didn't colour in. Just wrote stuff down mostly. We were thinking about how we would try and get messages to Julia. We heart you. When spelling even "we" and "you" was tricky because neither of us knew how. No wonder hearts, seeing them and drawing them is still such a thing for us when we used them when we were little to communicate with each other when we were apart. One of the things we did was write "I do not have a crush on my brother" and surround it with hearts and flowers. We were giggling half remembering arguments and teasing between the three of us. We were also so glad that we can giggle about it now.

The whole thing with the tosser in the hospital when everyone had gone and things were about to go back to pretend normal and looks into our eyes and asks us if there was any chance of one or either of them still being alive. We did not feel in a position to be certain of anything and were mildy flattered that he thought we did. We weren't sure if he was just trying his luck or really thought we were in any condition to give him solid information about anything even if we had it. That we remembered how different our perspectives were and how much of the sophisticated crap used against us me and my sisters had been using against chumps like him for ages and how pleasantly and very drugged we were.

Was there something over twitter? We knew he need an honest answer and we were past creating anything anyway. So we talked a bit about how being alone in Scotland made us stuck in a permanent state of unknowing about everything. Knowing of course that he had been involved making that something which just got worse and worse and more effective over the decades. He had been involved in it and seen it work more and more so he knew we were not bullshitting when we said we couldn't remember anything clearly enough to be confident of it. 

"What about the twin thing?"

Where those his actual words? Whatever he said it took us a while to figure out what he was on about. We he could see buy the awkward turning away of his shoulders that he was not comfortable asking and by the way he looked at us after he said it that he was signalling he wanted a serious plain and speedy answer. Ah that twin stuff.

"They are cold. Freezing cold."

He left satisfied but we were more confused than ever and we wished for a bit that Julia's body was still there so we could check then realised if we had pulled something we would not of blown it by doing something like that. Freezing cold doesn't mean permanently dead. Not necessarily. 

All that stuff about it being an obvious choice to put sisters' life over mental health. We imagined that was what was happening last night and she has been slowly warmed up and brought round. Enjoying the peace and quiet now before she has to wake up her oh so chatty sister. Slowly waking up her brain.


April 07, 2017

adultless

We were together with no one to tell us what to do or look after us either. It had become essential that we did that. For our own survival and that of anyone who truly cared for us and it was ok and good sometimes but really hard to because we were all so little and had to find ways to get food and shelter. They started getting closer and closer though it became harder and harder to keep the three of us safe and they got her. We were in a shed type thing she had found and tried to make homely. We had laughed together there. It was maybe how they found us. She was just so happy the three of us we together it seemed completely natural to her that we would be alone and adultless. They got her. He surprised us and grabbed her and pulled her away from me and Louise one day.  We didn't understand why she didn't or couldn't fight with everything she had and then we saw her limp in his arms and knew she couldn't. We thought maybe we could get her back then but Louise had her arms round my waist and wasn't letting go and he ran away with her. We were both screaming.

It wasn't any fun without Julia so we both put everything into surviving and practising at making us indistinguishable from each other and surviving wherever we ended up together, taking it in turns to be her when we could because it was only thing that made us feel better.
..