May 29, 2017

36, 37, 38.

Yesterday was pretty great really. It was warm and not too hot so N and his mum's hedge trimmer have done seriously reduced the monster hedge and given me space for hours more sunshine in the evening if there is any to be had. We got supplies but we are still really struggling with nightmares and feeling triggered. The time of year without sunshine to drag us out the house and into the garden we are a fucking mess. There is a lot about what me and pabs went through, that fucking terror when we knew how many were out to get one or both of us and knowing how impossible it was for us to reach help. I don't know how many of us sisters they had in a never bad way and as is often the case if the cunts had be able to cooperate with each other just a little bit more then we would not be here.

The triggers are also bad this now because of the sharing that is going on. Hopefully and probably. But none of it makes still be held here like this any better today. N of course tends to make us feel worse but been unable to understand anything about us and not being to notice or tell that there us been more than one physical person here. Ever time any of tried to tell he would just deny everything and repeat the fiction with out any glimmer of a sign that he was able to remember anything at all. Presented with more than one of us in room or any of the kids we have very vivid memories of him literally covering his eyes and just saying "No" loudly. A triggered part in a system incapable or unwilling to attempt or work towards self awareness. It was so horrible for us and the kids we had to give up.

He has been used as to provide evidence for the psyches or whoever else to deny any trafficking and support the Delusional Disorder. But he cut our hedge and we got him to take junior to the park and that is really helpful when we can't do it and no one else will.

It's release. Feeling like this. But essential release because of we don't get it out the way we are dead meat and it's almost June again. We are not releasing this stuff to ourself because it is safe to and we are supported with it when are briefing ourselves internally for the sake of survival. That does not help make us less angry and physically ill with fear and know it is only emotional residue from the past few years its also a predictable response to ongoing events.

I don't when there was last a June that we didn't come out of with more parts and in very different arrangement to when May ended. Maybe there never has been one and we ending into another with nothing going on but absolute worse case scenarios. Again not because nothing can be done but because this is how things are and people are too stupid and too cold to imagine anything else.

"I thought is was 36"

"It is. Excluding me and the both sets of genitalia sister..brother"

Everyone went pale and upset as we all remembered ze.

"When are we getting ze out?" Someone said.

"Actually thats why I needed to gather you all here today. We are getting ze out today." There was a mixture of smiles, relief and others getting serious and finding their war faces.

"..Then it will just be you?" She looked a bit like she kinda wished she hadn't stated it so clearly and so loudly and so simply but we couldn't help start feeling really emotional.

"Yep. Just me. You lot will have to sort it out we won't be able to." They all looked so fucking proud and glad and grown up. I'm sure they will figure out something. We just gotta keep surviving and remembering and caring as much as we can till then.

May 26, 2017

Sorry Sir I've no idea what with my DID and all.. something momentous I think..

Perfect amount of edging we are well chuffed with the work we have done. It reached around the buddleia and down to the existing plank . We noticed a second viola has opened. It's a dark pink colour in the yellow trough balcony pot and the smaller purple balcony pot arrived to,  we put it up on the fence and notice how it brings up the beads in the flower brakets. Those pots and troughs are excellent. We also sarting getting rid of what was left over from before. So there will be no faded terracota plastic about. We will hopefully empty and either bin or chuck in the shed the rest tomorrow. We haven't painted the table yet or changed the liner that needs changing.

Drank a ...

We were about about to describe how much we drank yesterday but we stopped writing cause we felt ill. We ate and drank lots of water and juice to but booze wise over the day and evening we had one can of Guiness, one bottle of Matteus and almost all of a bottle of red. With predictable results of vomit on carpet. He was asleep by that point. He was already asleep when we pulled ourself in from admiring our work outside it was such a warm evening. It was lovely just watching wispy clouds as it got darker.

Fucking decimated the weed we had left of course. We were not happy bunnies when we saw how much was left this morning. Stupid nightmares, lost in university town we are always fucking lost in but this time we had Pabs and lost him to and could barely speak to ask for help. They are always horrible in that place in those dreams anyway that what they are about even in the dreams when we hang out with people or know a little of the way around they are never very nice and its not long before we are lost and really alone again. Don't know if we have written much about how they program your dreams to. Through parts and machines sometimes to, so you don't tell yourself who you are when your asleep and so you are stuck in the PTSD and don't access or remember any good feelings. Very much a no will ever believe you type thing to, its hard enough trying to figure our what was physically real or what they made parts imagine but we had access to too much and people shared stuff with us sometimes when they saw how much we were fighting. Some of the machines were physically real and were not just empty boxes, they did what they said they did. Once you have been through it and they tell parts to tell amnesiac parts its has happened again or they will those poor parts usually do.

There was always a lot more empty boxes doing the rounds than real ones of course. One a select few had access or training in them and its not like they were giving them detailed scientific explanations on how they worked. The power in Satanic tech is in as few people knowing how they work as possible. We of course were getting all we could from anything and anyone about how the shit worked but didn't want the rings knowing that so had to stop us from knowing it to sometimes.. For us the worst times opening those boxes was when we didn't find a bunch of wires and chips and stuff that might as well to our eyes have "made in Britain" or China or Russia or America or whatever but stuff that was ancient. We usually just lost it then and smashed it all up. It had nothing to teach us and we hadn't be left to learn that lesson alone. It's a very extreme version of the giving a fair hearing to the far right thing. You can't do that. It's designed for you to do that as a trap so that if you have an open mind about it it will take all your decisions after that away from you.

There was literal messages asking for help in them sometimes. Other times if it was new tech from somewhere we hadn't seen involved before we knew it meant they were being hit and forced to produce them and could maybe go and help them out.

The more ancient it was the more mental we got around it. We would puke just to think about it nevermind be in the same room as it and be prevented from destroying it. It was very plain to see from anyone we knew anything that some of the really ancient horrific shit had never been replicated or understood. It was extremely powerful but there was very few of it, so no one knew if they weren't too conditioned to never question and to worship it that they would be able to put them back together. Many had been lost that way, many were lost to through us and others like us saying we were giving in and do what they wanted and would tell them how to make more but we needed some time and space with it and then broke them because we are human beings and there will be no life for human beings on this planet while those things exist.

You can kinda guess the cultures that protected it the best. Europe? Russia.. anything in the US obviously wasn't made by First Nations. They had some broken parts for us though, we had lots of tears and hugs for them.Couldn't say the Arabs or Africans had nothing but we were often respectfully led to it and were utterly unshaken at what we were shown, what they had left..  By the time we got there the actual shit the actual Knights Templar had wasn't all that impressive, whatever they had had been long ago pillaged. We remember thinking though did we really expect to find the whatever was used to turn the Knights in France.. Hardly. We knew it was going to end up being tech and institutions and traditions in Britain and Russia that would be worst and the hardest to get to.

There was so many smaller versions of various ages in peoples homes, community buildings, fucking schools and hospitals we didn't think we could ever get them all and how would we ever know any way. But something elsewhere seems to believe its done. The worst of the worst though.. The fucking size of the Scandanvian shit and it couldn't just be blown up it was really modern shit that had to be painstakingly dismantled and destroyed carefully.. We were quite grumpy to people at times during all that but once it was done they were lovely to us, really lovely.

Internal sources are saying we were delivered the Russian worst of the worst last summer on the condition that we not only agreed but provided all the necessary cover for Pablo's father to see him. How relieved were we when that there was to much going for us to be able to take part in that. We warned him about Dude's mind then kinda stopped because he knew a bit a about states we are in and a bit about his own and thats was enough cause he looked sickened, nodded and turned.

We turned doing our best to shake it off so we could focus on that Russian thing. There was no need to be taking this thing apart it just needed to be render to dust and ashes and for any teeny tiny nasties to be contained/sooked up. After we called that in some Scottish I think asked what the fuck it was and we said it was the reason we were all slaves he said, "Aye? ..And what are going to do with it?" That pissed us off. It was all kinds of ridiculous extremes arranging all this and it meant no one who was close or good with us was around. Not sure if we had time to answer the cunt before bunch of started US pals were dropped in and we were all ecstatic and babbling. They had almost got a tiny jist of what was going on before the destroyer arrived and we helped load the fucking thing. It's safe to touch but we still find it horrible touching anything that has terrorised and destroyed for very long times. I could see one of them was starting to get it. He has always gotten things really fast. We babble to him in some kind of Hebrew and he can just babble back.
"The Russian and Zionists have been using the same thing. Satanic time share."

Folk coming back on site had no fucking idea what was going on, some where freaking out because of who had just been seen with Pablo. Everyone freaked out when they saw and heard what had just gone down. It's not the kind of thing any expects there brain to be able to process in the short term. All you can do is just be ecstatic so when the call came from England that theirs was gone to, everything according to plan or better and the call was ended we were on the ground unable to breathe. It took a moment to tell the freaked out people I was ok, "England's to." We had located and mapped the place out when we were little but was never able and for a long time never had the support to even consider it. We couldn't do it. We wouldn't be able to get anywhere near it.

Mensch was unmasked and held at a security point with a crowd of jeerers keeping an eye on her so we choose and forced her to be the one to tell Putin that the English tech was gone once we figured out how to call him.. The call inquiring about the return of there machine was funny to we said we would be honoured to share some very harmless dust with them. There was a half suppressed laugh then a dead line.

Yeah so you really can't be trusting them when they say they are the lesser of the evils any more. They are the greater of the evil. All that other shit is gone.

Why did we give a rapist access to a child? Because we see the abuse and drugs and the machines they use on him before they hold me down and set him on me and when we showed him and showed we had to help him with that shit before he killed us he agreed. Not that we were really giving him any options of course. We knew he was going to end up being to only one who could save Pabs. Simply put, the only thing that could protect the boy from all the murderous rings after him was the murderous rings surrounding Putin but we knew that wasn't going to happen by itself. Anyway the fact the dude is alive means when it came to it the macho prick put his life before the ALFs and they are both alive to be in no state to remember much never mind talk about it.

Damn. No weed and no money for more. :( Another beautiful day though..


May 24, 2017

Sirs you have not be put here for the reasons they told you it's the opposite

Well proud or our work today. We managed to get three rolls of the wicker edging down. We decided we would intentionally make the line down the path wiggly but its maybe a bit more unevenly wavy than we want. Don't know though, might just leave it. Put the yellow and black pansy and the purple stock in the path border as well as some poor night scented seedlings that have gone through a lot all ready what with being far to many of them, then dropping the tray they were in then putting them in a planter we couldn't properly fill.. There is considerably less now. Hope some of them make it. Bloody cats. We also literally chucked a packet of Nigella around as well (thats fancy corn flowers) the packet said to seed in place!

If there is enough money in the bank there will be baby Livingston Daisy coming soon. They are ordered..We remember the flea stuff for the cats to! Hope it comes of first.

There should be just enough edging left for the bottom buddleia. They are both looking really good and growing really well. One of them wilts every now and again but when we water it it comes back straight away. They have different greens foliage and not just down to different conditions either cause they are both looking so well. Cool though. They other one thats up near the top is slowly doing better it was the worst when it came out the box, the pot was just nothing but roots so we try and remember and give it lots of little drinks. It is growing. We didn't help it by burning it with food but it seems to be recovering from that to..

The first purple flower on the viola is great and the rest shouldn't be to far behind. We are at that really really chuffed stage with it. It's still May so the novelty of colour and smells is a long way from wearing off. We have made so much difference out there. Dude said it was like a garden from a mansion. That was cool.

Got some browning in today to. Thank fuck for good weather days so we have something else to do and a different lovely space to be in. Physical work to do that makes a pleasing difference to take out mind of May and her government who are protecting networks of child abusers and killers that are and have been offending for decades but now she is putting troops on streets to protect kids? It is the cynicalist and nastiest of bs and is triggering all sorts with us in terms of Manchester abuse rings (mostly white) and finally be able to explain British terrorism and its connections to R.A to the Europeans before leaving Dundee but in utterly extreme circumstances.  They were and are not amused. Explaining the history of British R.A in Russia to Russians that are seriously not supposed to know. Similarly, not amused people.

And of course the bairns.

Being outside the Dolly Parton concert and realising whether we could be arsed with any of this or not we looked at those armed bairns, felt the terror in the folks and knew we had to do something. When Europeans were begging us for safe British military or any other kind of safe British contacts they were all we could come up with. They were around last year. We were quite pleasantry surprised, one of our sisters who had much less immediate personal issues horrendous experiences with British authorities and had done a really good job with them. Seriously. They were amazing and it creeped us out a bit.. We trust her though and also don't trust ourself with assessing Brits when we know we are going nowhere short term.

Anyway. Goods things. Growing colour, making pretty, digging earth, drinking Guinness and smoking weed in the sun. Have a good feeling about tomorrows weather..






May 21, 2017

Speaking sweetly to a victim is not resisting slavery

Well half q is not going to last long and as the weather has been crappy and all we can expose ourself to is twitter and CNN telling us we don't and never have existed our mood is predictable low. It's lovely yesterday being a bit intoxicated which loosens some of the brain shackles, no nothing left today though already been through bin bag and ash trays for roaches.. As everyday means more issues pass from "It will be very bad if this happens partly because it will be easily avoidable" into something that has happened and can't be avoided any more and still having to being present in form for the ALF (adorable little fucker) without some chemical back up is fucking horrible.

The grooming and fake intel ops had the majority convinced that when we said "very bad" we were only ever talking about ourself and the kids trying to get through those levels of unchallenged entitlement and exceptionalism was impossible. Those who were working for the Russian Fascists and the worst of RA told them it was us and not them so the people we went to for help and spread awareness of with Russian democratic meddling and worst of the international RA started treating us in ways and using triggers as they were advised to by their rapist, child trafficking, treasonous colleges. They were not even interested and looking at anything we had to offer on anything and left us all to the rings.

Every now again something would come up and we would get a call or a visit like we were some respected and paid member of the IC but usually there was just abuse, it never ends. But all they have now is me and Pabs, the scariest off their tech, my twenty something sisters and our legions of spawn, our mum and our dad are out of their reach. Sky is out of there reach, to some of us he became our only priority and it was the thought of him losing us that kept us alive. Knowing abusers can't trigger or threaten us over him is really something. So many just couldn't understand why he was so important to us "just a bairn quine you will have plenty more" while American's were sure there must of been some strategic reason like he was seed or a weapon we wanted secured.

We told a couple of them last summer, "He's not a fucking seed. His DNA is reason you keep trying to kill him not the reason we want him safe." Think they asked why and we were not up for trying to explain the bond that happens between a amnesiac locked up very violently abused child and the child she was forced to conceive and carry and who is being abused by the same people so we just said that he's our son and we love him and he loves us. They looked confused. She said she wasn't interested in his DNA but that he's her son and she loves him??

Reality always confuses them because they were convinced they would never see or have to deal with any of it. Reality is supposed be long gone from the scene by the time they show up. Like we said to them, "What does it matter you what's going on here, you were given a script about what to say about all this before you even got here anyway?"

The long established protocal with U.S intel and myself if that they ignore everything I say and everything they see and just repeat whatever the Fascist Brits or other Fascist yanks tell them.

There is a feeling of safety in the state of play. We are not worried about agents, traffickers and their associate triggering us and grooming us into believe they can or would help us. There was no other relevant or interested parties that we could given more information or more possible avenues of action. There is no immediate danger in some contacting us and there hasn't been for months but everyone pretends their life is on rails when every second of everyday is a crossroads.

Our life of course is chained to some very serious rails and it looks like it will continue to be until we have lost enough amnesia so we can access whatever we need to access to get me ALF out of here permanently and you can all get on with pretending you didn't have a choice.




May 20, 2017

Imagine choosing Trump over us and everyone else ever

Okay mild and cozy intoxication it is then. New bag of canna compost is here but it's bloody raining anyway.  Lad's got a full tummy. Can we, should we state where we at with Pablo's paternal match? We can say that not long after Sky was born and in the exact same hell but worse because they were torturing and starving me and my baby we conceived again but someone managed to help with an earlyish medical abortion where we where. They took everything to leave as little evidence of possible of it in the locals drains and to secure the facts and ID. Some top level early ninities Satanic scene children by rape to world leaders that they keep to use against us and the said "world leaders" and people in positions to make a difference to the slavery. We believe here and now she was a Trumps. We never talked about the how and the who over the termination then or since to those we were part of making all that happen and and now but we can't not say that it was indeed Vatican related. Actually, when that poor part of that poor child said that it was when it hit home to so many that telling the truth as away of keeping cunts away from truth worked really well a lot.

Pablo? We can't say. More pink wine. We can say that there has been at various times and in various places that its Putin and as we know we have discussed other possibilities for it seems fair enough to mention that name has been mentioned. As we remember here and now often by audibly shaken forensic Intel people. In Newburgh we remember we managed to get up a little and pretended to by a abuse ring member so we could film some fiction in Margo's front room. Once we got we needed and started talking to the folk who had been sent over a little bit. We remember moments with the guy dressed up as Putin, he was a good guy it was fucking awful having him dressed and masked up like that and he could see it.

Years and years and many many traumas later we got the call, as far as we know from Vlad in his office to the landline in Fintry where he discusses junior and agrees to stop trying to have us killed. There was a lot more to the call of course but we got what we needed out of it.

A bit later we were still on the couch dazed and exhausted the phone rang and we answered. We freaked before we realised how much time had past when we checked the clock and saw it was a safer time.

"Ah yeah Sir.. You heard that."

He didn't have much to say and we had even less any way but he wanted to let us know we were not completely alone with all this and that meant a lot. 

May 19, 2017

Cheers

Didnt do much today. Got the lad off but felt too upset about being on our own and the state of it all down here and giving our self zero chance of getting over this cough by the amount we are smoking as we burned through the rest of it. It wasn't sunny but it was dry and wasn't cold so we found ourself out the back rearranging pots, sweeping and attempting to limit pussy cat damage. Got a grocery delivery which came with Friday night bolog vino and a bottle of Mattis for when its warm next. Also got a half q delivered just as we were plating up which is good timing and picked up our bi monthly diazepam which might not last the weekend, not because we feel particularly down or anxious but because we want to experience as much not being down as we can in a day to day, minute by minute type way.

We do love May in these parts a bit don't we? The stuff coming into bloom, the seedlings that are no where near it, the rampage greenage everywhere, the cherry blossoms littering everything, the sweet organic stenches. Our own sweet organic white flower stenchy stuff is doing mentak as it did last year. We actually ripped some of it up to make safe for violas and have attempted to move of it to the path border that we have made a good start on. Amazon say they bordering and more compost has been dispatched.. A couple of seed packets on the way to, some love in the mist cause they are relatively easy so cool and some trailing stuff we can't remember the name of. Another bright plastic balcony pot thing instead of the trough we already have has been ordered to, they come in bright colours, and with easy hanging fixtures they are cheap with watery trays inbuilt. As much we eye ball stylish stone and ceramic beauties they weigh a tonne and are a shit load more expensive. Fuck it this shit needs to be shared




More soon or hopefully not, would love to be able to post pictures without having to tweet them first but the tech phobia is awful.. and he is going to be ten soon..

We can always show how its all developing if we are going to kept here for months longer. The violas are looking fine and will be amazing when they start flowering to. Starting a new garden, somewhere else with some/s else to help and enjoy it would be better of course. Gives us a lot of simple happy pleasures but we have to keep in the present and out of wider contexts as much as we can. This is our worst case scenario and we are making the most of it but it doesn't mean anything more than that and when we remind ourselves of that go back to being able to appreciate it in the here and now without being paranoid that we are investigating in the continuation in the denial of our own human rights.

Did we say the edging is on it's way? And lobellia seeds, a violent colour. We were thinking we probably don't have that specific colour so we can always take some with us.

Well we are quite intoxicated and need to go eat more food.

..

"It will never be public that you have over twenty identical sisters. Never."

"Telling the public how many sisters I have has never been a priority Sir we just don't want to be raped and enslaved any more"




May 18, 2017

Yesterday was the 17th of May

A bday and as we weren't born on Earth, our only "birthday" down here. We woke up twice in time to think fuck it lets not about school, noticed Chelsea had been released but as we remember it it wasn't until after we had done a good bit of kitchen cleaning, a fair bit of gardening and were suppin some pink wine that it really dawned on us. We over indulged particularly on the Chinese food to point to puking but we did a fair bit and had a bath salts soak to so it was already pretty good.

We filled the compost wheelie bin with leaves and crap from the bottom bit which is kind of bugging cause its almost a fortnight before its lifted. Cut back one of the wild bushes that has rooted itself under the steps and made a new border bit at the top! That meant weeding deplasticing, de rocking after that we couldn't not but put whatever seedlings we found that we either knew at least suspected of not being weeds when they are far to small and will be trampled, dug up and poisoned by cats. We moved one of the buddleias up there to. The sickliest ridiculously root bound one, it is improving but will get better light and care up there and they were too close where they were anyway. Think it means to two left are pink and red though but they are looking to happy to move.

We did a little bit of chuckie racking to, so yeah quite stiff today only planning on sweeping and tidying today its sunny and cloudy this now so if that holds that would be perfect.

When we were in the Chinese last night Channel Four news came on all focused on the last US crisis and the word "impeachment" was used multi times from multi people. Not that we think that means they will of course and either way we know the damage being done to people and institutions minute by minute day by day is often irrevocable and unforgivable and of course avoidable. Still though its better than not hearing the word lots, much better. Love that meme.. "Stop calling me orange! #Impeach ..

Can't fucking watch much this now. Can't look them in the eye, don't want to do it to them or to us.  Skene bedroom 90s stuff, the battered kid outside the house telling as they got in there cars that Comey is not to believed and the baby in our arms is his. They were fucking horrible. The programming for his public testimony they forced us into giving him personally but only after assurances he wouldnt be allowed to lay a figure on us he fucking tried though. Put his hand on our shoulder trying to instruct us in something and an older kid burst him and we had to inform Comey that this had only happened because we had been allowed by his employer to have personal assurance present that he would not be allowed any physical contact at all. He looked surprised that we had be able to make that a thing from this end. We were shaking and are now to. Another condition was that baby Sky wound go somewhere safe. We knew they had no intention of him or me ever being safe but they could get him out of where we were. The fight for him never stopped. We didn't get him safe until last June.

The coup happened a long time ago they are consolidating now.

We said of course when they got what they wanted and were sending in less horrific monsters that if this happened there would definitely be no more "us" as in communications between ourself and the states.

And on another not completely separate issue, the thing with Earth has never been its human biological diversity. Never and certainty not now. What anything that can value anything appreciates here is the all other kinds of biological diversity. However, as we have been part of long term efforts to increase the diversity and the potential for it elsewhere while Earth peoples continues to resist our efforts to stop if from destroying its  diversity it should be known that in terms of seeds & anything that we needed we got the last of it last June. That is not to say we wouldn't give a fuck if our lovely cute garden was incinerated and/or irritated we would prefer not and are obviously not going to do it ourselves but we would also be unable to stop it because that is not how the system is set up these days.

Your very strongly advised to pay the Witch.




May 16, 2017

Yo Kim

It's not like we didn't know that this was how it's going to be but still watching the Americans destroy themselves when it all could of been avoided if they had respected their own laws. Seeing them protect and pay so many rapists and child abusers and agents with anti American agendas knowing we shared so much with them, gave them so much proof while working so hard against all this is horrible. There is no and mostly never was a Mummy/CIA and Daddy/FBI there is the Cynical Ignorant Assholes and Fascist Bastards Inc. The last blog where we talked about the marriage and US I.D and what it meant to us wasn't us getting in touch with an American core it was a step in us moving away from the denial. They can keep our USA I.D, of course they can they chose protecting the trafficking, the slavery, the rape and the lies over us and all our babies.

It's of no surprise to mum of course but you can not blame her. She heard us when we talked about hope for America and hope for Earth and saw how we were not basing that hope on grooming and in later years she encouraged us in very blunt terms to not give up on them even though she had no time for any of them because she saw how upset we were, knew we had gotten and given a lot of love there and were not done with it. Everyone us always been so fucking obviously relieved whenever we say we have been evaluating and scuttling and sabotaging every we can for the last ten years for our less "Scottish" parts and years since then for everyone else.

It's rapidly approaching June 2017 we did everything that we needed to do and said we were going to do and then some but we are still fucking here with no word from no cunt.  We know we always we said to everyone that if that happened there would be no protocol, no amnesiac open parts and no more warnings. No fucking friendships, no lovers, no comrades, no peers and sure as hell no "superiors". If we are without contacts now and still under horrific slave systems with thirty years of the shit we said was going to historical record then there is nothing to discuss. It's just time for me and the lad leave.


May 11, 2017

Nigger Lover

Neither of us were bothered when we heard them say it. What a state to be in to say that, then and there. There troubles are over and we had enthusiastic public ritualised kissing to continue. We knew there troubles were over and neither of us or anyone else flinched or looked when it happened. There was a few other wrong uns around that did. Think it was easier from them to look at death and blood and corpses than the married couple anyway.   I didn't look until I was asked for this post title.

It was only the day before we had been able to tell him our real name, just a few feat away from where we were now in the car park outside the observation ward at Stratheden Hospital, Cupar, Fife, Scotland, June 2016.. The weather was pretty good like it had been the day before. Even the Kremlin wouldn't of been better. Once he had our name our protectors could take his DNA and details, after all these fucking years.. They phoned back to gently and respectfully suggest we ask him to marry us. There arguments were pretty sound and the rest of us weren't objecting. This was one of those things, one of those eighties things said between slave kids that we built our amnesiac self on. Everyone was already there. There wasn't much time. Certainly not time to be fretting about asking him in front of everyone.

He was kinda blindsided. Seen the state of us struggling to speak and thought the worst. No wonder. The next we knew though he was holding us and lifting us off the ground and we got the affirmative.  The state of everyone was ace. The jubilant, the tearful, relieved,  the disgusted and the oh for fuck sake whatevers. There was a scramble for officialaries and I.D. The couple of non toxic yank feds that we had there just to witness so we knew at least someone in the America intels had some awareness of everything and had been standing about mostly bewildered pulled out our U.S I.D we were happy with that, anything but the one we have basically but we were so relieved when we saw the name.

Waiting for a window to do it wasn't fun, it wasn't long but watching those screens and seeing everything that was going down and being attempted with a level consciousness and emotional connectivity we had not had before was really unpleasant. Ok folks we got 10 - 15 tops.

And indeed 10 - 15 minutes later one of our Generals wiped a tear, stepped out congratulated us told us it was about bloody time and we hit those front lines like an I don't know what..

Later on when things had calmed down and people could eat and relax and party a bit we found our Dad with our I.D in hand. We waited until he knew what we were showing him before we uncovered the 'e' with our thumb. Rosa. His name for me. Hubs, he took our names no matter what always.. Tupac Stuart King.

May 07, 2017

major major

Over the worst of the physical symptoms into the just feeling knackerd and emotional. It's one of them isn't it? First few days of sunshine and we will be down with lurgy.  Shop was selling Jersey Royals though and Spanish strawberries we got yesterday was pretty good to. It's so bugging though, all the garden prettying that isnt getting done. All well at least we arn't letting everything go bone dry.

Still thinking lots about the hospital. Mum was able to show up for a little while, they weren't going to take no for answer and Dad was going back with them after anyway. We hadn't planned on agreeing on all the sisters being there but it felt like it would be safe enough so we went for it. Pretty sure we were right about that being the first time we have been in same room as each other and the first time many of them had met Mum and Dad or knew they existed. It was so hard but so important that we all got to do that.

No matter how well the ops and the battles went back then we knew long long before that if we won we would be alive but too exhausted to survive the rest of the time in hospital and all triggers in isolation and the child care in the months since then if we weren't humanised, weren't loved. We could say our lines about no longer fighting to the posh English and didn't need to worry about any of our internals thinking it might be true.

To be told by our Dad that he knew everything the slave system I'm in. To have and see Mum and Dad on the same fucking page. To just be able to talk about so much. To find out for a fact that Grans and Grandads and all kinds of solid old guards had our back. The twenty year triggers that have had us all terrified weren't left to work and then they were past. No longer something hanging over us that we couldn't escape. Networks and their chains were smashed and then we had to go back to pretending none of it happened and that we might possibly of had an affair with an abuse ring doc was career and his placement there was all about fucking up us.. And he failed.

It's not just the extremes of evilness that has been so hard to get people to believe, it's the stupidity that comes with believing everything is under the control of an absolute and infinite power. There is no learning, no seeing and wondering, no growing but with everything laid bare like it was and everything captured. Enough of the jigsaw pieces present and in place so it was quite obvious to those that had been given a box with a picture could see it quite clearly wasn't the same picture that all the pieces made.

"Next year.. its gonna be mental isn't it?" We seemed to think so, but we weren't really us. We are trying to remember what if anything we said about this summer but as usual we are getting no where. We knew the garden would be lovelier we remember talking about that and when we try and think about the garden next year we are getting nada.. We are confident in the systems being down or infiltrated enough that we are not too worried about physical attacks on us but there is an awful lot going on world event wise the fascists will have wanted determine and we do know they tried very hard and I guess we will all see when the counting is done if they got France. There will be one particularly broken hearted sister if they did.

Not that it's much fun to have live your life trying to resist and escape forces who want you to help them win elections. It's a slave system and election rigging so it's not gonna be the good guys asking. We have a bit of a sense of coming of their efforts to secure the next Brit one not to badly but we also know it's the kind of thing that if we did really get us we would be telling ourself it could of gone worse. If it was when we think it was during the last years in Skene then we probably would of got it out that we would need help and some other system did whatever they did instead of us. We didn't think we would survive another one so had  pushed ourself to reach out. Were we sitting on the bed in the wee room thinking "Fuck that's my Gran and my Mum and they are working together." ? Hope so..

Cinquo de Mayo is passed, we remember saying something about that so people we were not giving much away to. The bush we currently beating around is "we will try bring changes next summer" and how real that might be. Major major shit always happens during the Summer.




May 05, 2017

Yuck.

Yuck. Yuck. Yeah today was blue skies all day again and yes we were pretty much just in bed feeling horrible and little like we normally do. We been remembering some stuff that helps, feeling to shit to go into it now though. We did manage to water the garden though, the buddleia is looks happy and one of the ferns came but its gonna have to wait before it gets its new home cause we haven't even started on where it's going.

Fucking Republicans. They are all well yuck to. Been getting flashbacks to the way they talked about the ACA, the horrific bullshit and all that effort by rich people to stop other people from having basic fucking health care. Fucking CNN and the rest making out like they're all as bad as each other when some are trying to give people decent lives or even just the hope of a decent fucking life while the other lot are going to make it even harder for even more people. They exploit, they kill, the incarcerate and only respect laws and traditions that suit them then blatantly lie about it and its just accepted. Keeping the benefits they don't need brought through the work of others that had to fight them every step of the way then taking it away from those that its for, those that are entitled to it.  We also managed to vote today to. Went for the numbered thing even though we're quite confident they are all wanks, the parties could be ordered.

Do feel/hope that the scales are falling. Surely. Maybe that's just us. And it wasn't scales as much as layered on by other people and they are not some much falling but rather blasted away from inside.

Got weed.. cant fucking taste it..

Watched a bit of the Comey hearing. It's great to be so much more relaxed about knowing there will be major and significant triggers in the news. We don't hunt them and we don't run although we do sometimes take a step to the side cause we know it's not going anywhere and that we are not quite ready. He is deeply shady though of course, so so much of course. What we got was early-mid nineties Skene bedroom which is always very bad and a lot of very hard work since. A lot of it for years was on the do on our own and tell (almost) no one lists. That had all gone by the time we were taking calls from the hospital from Yanks who had just got tonnes of stuff we had been holding back from them cause we had to.

Those calls were so important at the time because so much else that had happened was back behind the wall but calls with agents and officers happen to most parts and the content was mostly about stuff that programmers had no idea about so we could remember during and even after a bit because their wasnt any drastic switching. An island of something else outside being us in a psychiatric NHS ward in Fife with Pabs in care in the Summer of 2016.. We usually couldnt remember words but we could remember tonnes of voices and ranges of emotions and that sense of being okay and not being alone and feeling validated we so rarely get here. We have talked a few times about what a relief it was and is for people who for so long knew they needed to know stuff but we wouldnt share no matter what finally knowing and knowing why we couldn't tell them.  They have a chance to help us now and we have been told we need to start accepting that as fact and we are working on it.

Stupid fever insanity..

Love you sisters.









May 03, 2017

Someone out there knows..

Blue skies all day today! Raked some chukies, pulled up a bit of the tarp underneath, dug the ground underneath and put in the buddleia, they were very root bound, hope they will be happy where they are. Need to get some kind of edging for that bit and for when we have dug the border all the path, think we will probs fill it with what we got already. The bit down the bottom where the ferns are are going is gonna be so much more work. The was a visit today to so we cleaned inside to, bloody knackering especially since we have a cold.. Weather said the rest of the week looks pretty clear so we will see how we get on or if we just feel too ill and want to cry.

Christ what is CNN like working for the McCanns again. No other important issues that voters need to know about worth exploring, no threats to democracy, no rolling back of human rights, no increasing chance of nuclear war because pig ignorant weak pathetic leaders need it to stay in power, no droughts, no famines, no corruption but they would like to bring how rings are protected and enriched by MSM back into the minds of victims and survivors. Ohh so subtle CNN. Whoever it was we told that McCanns back being protected by CNN was going to trigger us so badly we would commit suicide, then said we couldn't cause we are too programmed not to then said we would allow them to kill us, we were lying. Someone said it would be the finial straw for them but we don't know who, what they are planning or if they even meant it..

We might be knackered and fevered but we are also weedless so sleeping tonight is probs gonna be easy. Got clean bedding and jammies so hopefully wont wake up drenched when we do sleep, kinda bugs the cat/s to if we have to turn a soggy duvet in the middle of the night.

Miss you.


May 02, 2017

Hope you had a good May Day Mummy & Daddy.xxx

The three lucky dip buddleia came. Labels saw they are pink, blue and red. We are a little worried they would come back red, whit and blue but they say the arnt so that's fine. One of them looks kind of sickly but it will probs come round. Not inspired to do much out there today it is too dark and cold, need the tools to arrive before we can put them where they are going to go anyway. We can't decide what to do along the side of the path. That white smelly stuff is quite a spreader it would be pretty cool but we have been looking at heathers to.. Oh the fairy isn't cast iron after all she is heavy resin stuff painted to look cast iron and is looking very cool sitting on the wood fence. Next to the atrocity that is next door..

A few hours of sunshine would work wonders, sure it will happen soon..

We are kind of reassessing where how we are doing. That's a really good sign. Telling them we would agree to die as long as we got to see certain people first worked. They brought them in and we didn't want to die any more. We weren't so amnesiac and dissociated that we would consider anything anyone says to us any more. We arn't alone. People know things they need to know. Decent agents know enough our mother and their colleagues to not fall for it any more. The power of fake constructed abusers families so much removed which meant the power of the rings over us is greatly undermined. People who love us the most knowing the worst, not being alone with the worst any more. Our parents finally able to get the darkest of our humour. Sisters all with homes..

We roll our eyes at folk when we are asked about it but we are repeatedly asked to say more about the Satanic history, Masonic history. We have to roll our eyes coz its the sort of stuff than naively answering questions about as a child nearly cost all of us our lives, over and over.

"What's happening here today.. is it.." We could see he was struggling but was unlikely to give up and were interested to see what he was going to come out with. "Is it the mills?" We were pleasantry surprised. He done well. We wanted to lie to him just to make him feel better. We frowned and shook our head,

"No it's the wheels."

His colour drained further and we felt the need to try give him something. He must of seen or knew enough about that day with the projectors back in 01. The pictures were all events, shit that had not happen yet but we mostly knew we couldn't stop or knew we had to do, then it changed to either ors, some of them were just plain weird and maybe almost positive it was changing to quick to process before it went back to things we knew we couldn't avoid. The hospital. Then it went all fast, too fast for most of us then there was the wheels buckling and the mills crumbling, the actual events themselves not knowable but the collapsing of the systems was a definite as was the violence of it. It shocked us for a bit before it hit home that we were going to free.

"Think this means it will definitely happen though.." We offered, "..the destruction of the mill.." saying it out loud gave it a reality we didn't realise we were unprepared for but we breathed through it."However it happens."

He was turning to leave and stopped suddenly when we said that. "You don't know?"

"Nope. The events aren't predetermined just that the forces coming together will destroy it" How could he possibly have more colour to loose? He started to say something but it fell away and all he managed was "But.." We were disappointed. We thought he wasn't that bad. Now the state of his suit and stressed, sweatiness made us feel so ill so suddenly we thought briefly we might go under before seeing the contrast between that very stressed sweatiness and our own calm and coolness.

We looked him straight in the eye, smiled raised our eyebrows and said, "No more determinism. Wow. I'll get free. Mental huh?" He made a start like he was going to go for us but stopped when he saw that this just made us look even more relaxed and pleased. He was all out of script and would have to go back outside and see who or what was available to give him more. I can't remember if we were standing or sitting but we remember thinking about who would be available to help him out and just started feeling so good. Think we cried and could use those tears as further proof of our mental and emotional incapacity. He was not happy about being dragged into all this we heard his say. The other guy was looking back at us and saying to the posh fat bloke that he was an idiot for believing we were or were capable of being active in anyway, the lesser rungs was begging him but was getting him nowhere. We gave him a little twinkle but was all little and scared and amnesiac and confused again when the rich cunt turned back. The lower local scenes prick was fuming and was shouting about us not getting away with this as he walked out.

What is this time, between the smashing of the wheels by destroying the RA rings and before the catastrophic destruction of the mill? Time to grow flowers mother says, time to smoke flowers and eat anything whenever, time to let go of all the acting and the denying and just be.

Okay Mummy.

April 30, 2017

That's why they need the slaves Mum they are all thick as pig shit.

Hello.

Cool isn't it and so totally not cool of course to but to not live under the fear of dying while people you love having little idea of who you are. Living like that was always a kind of death anyway. We made an amnesiac part who would describe how she was going die because it was all too much and made sure she sounded literal when she was actually telling them about the end of the worst of the amnesia and isolation. She was telling the abusers she knew she would not exist in the future and all the rest of us agreed and they thought we were telling them we were going to die when it was a roll that would no longer be needed, a state that would no longer happen. Sometimes when it happened we realised we were also showing ourselfs this because it felt so obvious that what we were saying wasn't real or literal.

They went higher and higher through the networks trying to find out if it was certain and lots of good work was done.

It was our sisters who fell for the "Daddy will never love you because you defend yourself" stuff more than us. We usually knew it was something we had to pretend was working until we were in a position to not have to any more. Those moments were we slide from blinkered and down, to hang on do we need to be taking this shit to waking up and answering and or fighting back, walking out were always so good.. Other times there was no slow waking up just the culmination of years, decades of very conscious acting, watching and planning coming to fruition. Glorious.

For a while until we remembered everything and everyone else would was still a severe danger. Things were set up so that anything any of sister did the trouble would come back here, "as long as we have one we have them all" was the thinking and it wasn't delusional.

There wasn't all that many people who noticed or would point out physical switches between us so as long as the right one was there or not there for certain stuff ao we got away with a lot of sharing the worst and best of it. There was the one sister who knew almost as much as us so even the worst could be split and not survived alone until mum was able to help. Help she did until she predictable couldn't leave us in it and got herself recaptured and had to be found and rescued again. She was in a lot better shape than we thought she would be. Really good in fact she was able to use all her defence systems and skills to protect herself well and had learned a lot about what they were doing and how they were doing it.

She said we were right. They were all really stupid and we said yeah, they had the numbers and they horribleness and not much else, except money of course. And Earth.

She teased us about our language which was quite funny. Then we dumped what we had then got to a safe distance. "Jesus christ you think we were going to go all the trouble of finding this place getting to it and then leave it as we found it? I don't think so." There was a fair amount of head shaking in the cabin. Afterwards he said something in shock about us being really serious and we said something about it being better to demonstrate that to him rather than just tell him. What with all being soo unbelievable and all.. Dont know where we went after that. Probably some place wonderful where we could leave mother where she wouldn't even notice she would spend all her time in a hole in ground working anyway.

"She wont tell us how many of us there are." Said a sister to mum we were sitting on the hospital bed, close to each other.

"They won't tell me. Said not to worry about it that they didn't believe you can have too much of a good thing." Everyone was looking at me kind of expecting or hoping we might elaborate further but we didn't have much more else."Especially what with everything thats going on." Was all we could give them and something about them being the same people that would get a hold of us and say that had seen what we had done and we would start talking about it and asking them questions and they would be all like "woah we said we saw what you did not 'how' you did it." Everyone was still quiet and bewildered looking of course then Mum asked if they were same people as she knew and we said yes and were so glad they were eventually speaking to her, I think we wept. She told my dad we had been right to keep it from them, that was like a massive physical weight being lifted as well because he could see by her face and words and the state we were in he needed to trust us. We said we hoped he would start to be told from then on though and someone confirmed it and we could see how relieved he was at that.

I think before we sighed off we looked at mum looking at us knowing she knew and wanted, needed to say something but all we could come up was about it being ridiculous and she it was something else, a word that doesn't translate but means something very good and very right and very real. We felt so glad and humbled. Then she had to go.







its too good they will kill us for it

Sunny spells but a wicked ass wind. We watered seedlings, moved a planter so it would get more sun and surveyed it all from the kitchen sink. The work will be hard enough I'm not that worried about it being warm when the tools arrive but we are not going to be working in the rain. Forced the lad to take his scooter out then tidy his room for a few minutes, usual it's hardly meeting all his needs but its something.

When see appeared on the screen we went even littler and called her "Mummy". I felt Dad take a sharp intake of breath that I think we probably giggled at. She was concentrating really hard on her English and we were her top priority. There was a few people around who were pretty shocked by that and we had focus on not being distracted by their internal worlds all collapsing. We can't remember much specifically and don't expect to, for one thing she has never bullshitted us and that in its self is enough to put the contact between us when I am down here behind a giant fucking wall all by itself. It ended up just me and her so often I think we said how weird it was to be letting people see and hear us instead of the opposite and she agreed. The was as well as a sense of vindication palpable in the room to and we knew that wasn't going to last when we starting explaining how there was no plan, we had no time to figure out anything and knew we could not work with the predetermination systems and thats all there was. We had both spent too much time being tortured, needing to heal and surviving to figure out what to do next.

She to had believed the stuff about stopping MAD on Earth, even her. We think. Noo we have to do everything we can against the evil sciences everywhere and survive Earth. They were very clear on that. If we could save Earth then great but we probably wouldn't be able to. We are more important that the whole planet and everything and everyone on it they said it was their non negotiable thing for working with us. We were glad because it already seemed like thinking like that would be only way to stay alive much longer than thirty and we didn't want to die at thirty something.

She was quiet for quite a while after we told her. We could see her recalculating and realising she was going to have to start calculating in the fact that not everything can be calculated.. Then we really got her back.

"You have to stop you Mum from being a deterministic! She is going to kill us all!"

"Have you tried not telling her and others that she is a Satan worshipping universe hater and suggesting she may be traumatised and dissociated instead?"

...

Mum was only thing actually fighting what needed to be fought and she often didn't have to go searching for it either it would come for her sometimes with it's best gear but only after manipulating a distance between her and her mates and fucking up the communications of course.

The plan was to humanise mother so she could humanise us.

(What's going on with your mother? Oh we have been helping her PTSD to see if she will her help with us."
"Yeah? How's that going?"
"Badly. Really badly."
"What are doing?"
"Chores." )

When we wrote about it before we had it all planned out for when they came round to us then went round my sisters. It started of stuff we hadn't heard for years. The serious posh Brits respectfully informing us of serious things about her. Threatening yanks and tonnes of shouty Russians and Eastern Europeans that our speaks obvs weren't interested in speaking to and not a teeny tiny sliver of anyone else was interested in translating a word. Central Europeans offering assistance though that was new or at least very unfamiliar.

The whole thing with us feeling comfortable being little here and not being amnesiac about that is because of her work with us before that we had too much programmes phobias and triggers around it. It took a long time and before that the amnesia often was something we could slip out of or back under they had us so layered in ways to be non functioning.

It was with the Americans that it always caused the biggest and severest issues. Like we are always bloody saying we told loyal pay role Brits fuck all about anything but there was American's we liked, trusted in limited ways of course and felt relaxed around but whenever issues around mother came up we lost them. Decent people were lost and it would be little or nothing to them gave the orders but it hurt friends and family and it hurt us.

In the Scottish rings "The Russians are after your mither and that's how your oor slave." was a bass line which meant the wanted it central and never far from our conscious thinking. The English establishment said we knew nothing about anything and words like "mother" were to trigger an unarticulatable sense of alienation and weakness, Margo and never, ever anything else..

While other nations peoples shake their heads at all and beg their superiors to do something anything while the superiors hold their head in their hands and wonder if and what they should tell the inferiors about the time they did..

A finely polished machine as you can see. Of there was others who just set it all up to be unlivable but they were a tight group who didn't share their skills to those outside those they trusted and all sorts had been picking away at them for years. They were horribly, heartbreakingly easy for me, mother and sisters to remove. The hard bit was the having to read the scrip over the next years so the immediate rings around them didn't know they were gone. Taking apart and undermining those surrounding rings was wonderful though. Undeniably positive experiences and irreversible consequences.. Quality.

That's where the our fuck ups usually were. Trusting North Americans. Canadians I think as well, once. And some of them where catastrophic. When some colleagues find out they work though. Really work, on everything, all the time. We've watched them so often working themselves to oblivion pointlessly wishing there was some way to tell them before they found out the worst ways. We would keep trying as long as we could but risk dying for it especially when there was too much chance that if that happened they definitely would never know anything.

Yeah so we have a Daddy. And a Mummy. We are not putting it in the same sentence yet though..She is very cool though our mother but she is not cool about what is going on down here and will really wish you could met her when she is being cool and not scary..
..
Sir she is scarier than us..I'm not just saying that. She really is. We keep records and go over and assess and figure out what we have done and how we did it and if we should of she doesn't do any of that shit. And we have told her to keep not doing it because it's too dangerous to change.

There was never any room for negotiation. The woman who was fighting the breeding programmes was more dangerous, she had to be stopped the breeding programmes were to be protected. They honesty have some of them saying that I should protect it because it produced me and my sisters..It was earlier on to, like the Glen early on..

We threw some tantrums as an older kid that mum was trying to get to be a younger kid before fully knowing how bad it was. We always feel better when people know we are acting a certain way.

Love you.


April 29, 2017

resistance is fertile

The buddleia is almost definitely going to arrive before the tools we need to put them in the ground but that's okay we can stick them in a trough planter till they arrive.. and we have done the work... :-/ .. They we will be earning and needing out Epson Salts baths as we have pretty much committed to racking up chuckies, taking out whatever tarp is left and breaking the ground up on the bottom patch.. :-/ .. as always.. help would be greatly appreciated.. Ordered a couple of ferns..and I think we are going to be able to bite the bullet and pick a spot for Gracies tree so it isn't waving about in the centre of everything in one of the boring troughs that are a nightmare for bloody cat poop, shouting 'Hi I'm Gracies & her mum's tree, you weren't much use there were you but I'm thriving.' ..

It's bloody freezin today so we are indoors in bed guilt free. Dude has just finished the korok trials he had to take a food break but he did manage to do them in one sitting with only a fair bit of howling and demanding I side with him against the game over accusations of cheating.

Kinda different aren't they.. the spring bank holidays in Scotland.. to what they once were. Early money, meant we could order a digging fork and a rake to replace the one the gadgee gardeners nicked twice but only returned once. Pricks. Along with the two ferns, some yellow paint for the old cheap metal table, a new lining for the fancy hanging basket, then we were reminded by sir that our previous attempts to order a board game that failed so had to order it again, that was a bit wincy but it will be worth it we are getting into our time together again.

We tweeted a screen shot of previous orders that are arriving today and gave us another good reason for guilt free indoorness. A painted birdhouse, the fairy, the solar light dog and a new planter. All pretty. The whole thing with cast iron feminine things like fairies and butterflies.. we like.. The balcony trough is ace. Comes with fittings attached so its dead to easy to hang from the fence, has a bit underneath for water, comes in bright colours, £12ish. Fabby. Need moar.. It came at the same time as the compost and was filled with the hopefully weathered trailing plug plants of two different colours.. Put one in the flying pig to hope if grows, there is a pansy in the owl and its done bugger all while the rest are all happy.. Would look very cool..

Triggers relating to getting a weeping ornamental cherry for the big grey planter have been irksome. We think we probably will, it's a something we like and would appreciate no matter where we were but there is so much amnesia and horrible feelings around it. We have given ourself enough work physically and trigger wise with the buddleia for now anyway. It's not just the tree its the planter to and having three all full of weeds and yes you guessed it cat shit isn't helpful. There is a purple petunia that could go in it but we are worried that even if ended up looking glorious it would still be sad because it might not be what we wanted and we don't get what we want coz of all the bad people and that's why we are here alone.

We are going to have to fucking buy it arn't. We were thinking we would defo get it by next spring anyway if we are still here. We will need it then if we are still here alone maybe we are far enough out of the worst of fall out.. Butterfly bush hopeful privacy first. Need to say a thank you to Margo of course for being such a big part of why we had any kind out side legal plant growing inspiration and awareness even if we not comfortable with all the sense that we couldn't do half this if she was going to spending time in it and the confusion and violence over why that is.

Back to nicer healing things, resistance is fertile after all. Left the seedlings out last night. There are going to miss a lot of day light with us taking them in and they look fine. So good to have something to keep us off our butt and feeling positive about another summer here. There will be tears about it not being appreciated by anyone else and surveillance angles don't bloody count all though it must be either reassuring or deeply worrying seeing obvious outside indications that we are getting our shit together. There will be even more tears probably if anyone else does appreciate in person, with us there unless its some military bs or drasticness then we will just be pissed off and professional.

We cried last year coz we could see things we wanted to do that would make so much difference but we couldn't physically or mentally do alone because it is just the same with everything here and always has been. We think we can give it a go this year though because of the good people we saw in the hospital and the information that is getting out. We saw our sisters, our Dad, spoke to our mum and our brother found out who we lost our virginity when was very grounding.. People found out stuff that have needed them know for thirty fucking years. No wonder we are gushing over seedlings, pug plants and cast iron fairies and garden bloody gnomes..



April 27, 2017

:-)

We've been quite busy the last few days. Two fucking meetings! CPN and social worker.  Social worker who wants to help us socialise the son. Which is appreciated. Cleaned a fair bit yesterday to, had to what with the sw coming over. Was glad except for being a bit migrainy from overdoing it on the sticky. Gardening, hoovering, washing, beds changed, kitchening and food was put away, big packs split up before being frozen and everything got done anyway and it helped sort us out eventually..

Couldn't help ordering more garden stuff last night. A cast iron fairy, a cast iron butterfly, a small metal dog that glows at night and a green plastic through planter that can be hanged from the fence. They had offers on garden paint  There's a load of seedlings that we propagated indoors. Can't remember of course, giant colourful daisy looking hardy annuals and more night scented stock, ffs. Its turning up every where already. At least I think it is. Something came through in the space left next to the pinks and we are pretty sure thats what it is we scooped some of it out with a dessert spoon and put in seedling tray.

We put a couple of the new stronger looking trailers out put them in the big hanger in the corner. Think amazon said the compost could be here today. Really going to try and give the honey suckle at least a hope of flowering this year. It says where it is and we keep getting flashbacks about looking after Margo's garden up in the shire when she had honey suckle or a few years and it still wasn't flowering. There is this image of us spilling miracle grow near it in way that made us suspicious. It was a lot and we spooned up a bit of it and then watered the rest in it was outside and in the ground so should probably be fine. It was when they were away we noticed the first hint of a bloom above where we had spilt the plant food.  So we added it to our plant watering regime at least it didn't involve carrying water up a attic ladder. A few of us did get quite nifty at that though and I think others may have spilt flower food on it in passing to. By the time they came back it was fucking glorious and we told her there was a surprise out the back. What a state she was in..

It is already quite fabulous out there in a cute kind of way. Still haven't built the bench yet will do though. Promised the lad we would do it together anyway. We have been encouraged a lot to get some butterfly bush for the bottom for privacy. When we were here talking about it one of the guys had to be briefed by one of the other guys that privacy stuff was exactly the kind of the thing we had been programmed not to do so doing it would cause massive anxiety and severe risk of attack. Then we all had to explain to him what programming is, being told not to do something repeatedly with extreme violence and starting when very small. Poor guy. He asked who by of course, well fascist minded people everywhere but it was the British, Russian and U.S networks that were the hard core and the hardest to crack.

A local example of that system came out the kitchen and the guy was viably freaked by it all. Not sure what happened next think the local example switched to violence mode and we stopped him said some shit and then he left, they all left. Cunts.

You would tell us to take it easy today wouldn't you.

Love you. Love you to Shaun.
xxx 

April 25, 2017

Hi Daddy!

Weed guy has just been. Thank goodness. He was kinda later than usual..:-\ Got Chinese delivered to but forgot not to order satay from that place because both the chicken and the sauce are not good which is a shame cause we like their other sauces they don't turn to a solid the moment they are luke warm. The salt and chilli ribs had plenty quite tasty bits on them though. Wine to, fuck it. Wanted to eat food we didn't have to cook then drink wine and smoke spliffs and write to you. The new Zelda game got him into all the old ones again so he is pretty distracted. Wish you could teach him how to talk to us Dad or teach us to be less bothered by it so we could deal with it ourself.

We have been thinking about the time in the hospital together. Holding your hand when we went down to dinner. How weird that was. Our stomach responded the only way it could when we looked at the food back then but you were sitting next to us so it couldn't keep doing that either. We ended up laughing at how switchy we were and then apologising, you said it was fine and we believed you. It was so right we were there together. Being together in a psychiatry unit, surrounded by other patients and their normal niceness or indifference or obvious out of it ness, we were glad of that.

 Then we remembered that we used to always feel like wherever we were was the most perfect place for us to be in if you were there to and you noticed our mood totally change and asked. We felt that lose again. How it felt when we were still physically little to miss you all the time and know that every day they were taking us further from each other and further from hope. To survive all the abuse and torture as people tried to make us talk about you, give up on you, hate you, believe you were someone else. We managed to swallow down whatever they were serving and say we were remembering how much we missed you.

You let us see then, the state you were in to and wished so much you could of stayed in the hospital to. Knocking back whatever they gave us and letting whatever they said wash over us for a week or two and then get the bus back here together.

Later on one of the louder patients said something about you looking like someone, as people generally do. I can't remember what was said but we are pretty sure it resolved into laughter in ways it doesn't and hasn't much elsewhere.

The dudes are alright huh? We figured they must be but when we saw them we had no concerns like that anyway, just about them and that was good because that is what we are like its how we like to lead. It was something else when they brought out an non you before you got here. It was obvious, really fucking obvious none of them had a fucking clue what was going on, who each other were or who they were working for. It's was beautiful watching them loudly clearly figure out between each other who they should contact for instructions. We couldn't handle how well it was going at times then we remembered and just felt depressed. If there was anything different about this time it would have to be protected by us acting like there definitely was nothing different about this time. We have felt impressed by us before and not just when we forgot than we had multiple multiples running all kinds of support and back up we had forgotten about but when we are so awake and so know what we are doing. We cried a bit for whatever had us so awake and at the same time because we knew they were going to making things worse with whatever anti psychotic they were going to put us on and we were worried we wouldn't be able to get out from under them.

There were times we really wished we were in a better state to appreciate what was unravelling around me but we knew they take their clues on how they treat us by the way we are acting so we had to stay very focused on the art of keeping the mother fuckers guessing and remember only what we needed to when we needed it. We know us. We plan like fuck and we go over and over because we had been trained hard in that when little and it never stopped. And this was it. We were to old and had a brain with to many survivor pathways for this shit to continue as it was.

One of the most uncomfortable things this past while has been the blog writing and blog writing programming that went on. We know the external and internal battles about writing or talking about you have been major. Not everyone would be in a state to know that wanting to writing about you was fucking suicidal but claiming DID amnesia and a centre that didn't give a fuck about any of it seem to be more and more effective over the years. As was the large scale complex fiction production to. We can't remember the location or language but we were somewhere a few of us, somewhere we would all rather not of been but if we had to be we knew needed our eyes open, we must of been being cared for. Some bloke is walking us through some military type place and he's talking about "Soviet" style propaganda tsumanis and "we" being the one of us visible of the three or four armed,covering and none of us feeling out of our depth says "Soviet? Don't you mean Murdoch style?" and took a punch in the face that had us on the floor that we were too gallus to see coming. He was quick. Not for long though.

We didn't black out, we considered where we were then and there and the whole wider and wider awfulness that we were all in, what had just happened and what the options where. We actually programmed a computer that we sometimes used when we were not sure of ourself. Did we need to kill this person in order for all of us to survive? We turned it off because after awhile because it just kept saying "Yes" about everyone. We suspected some brother or other had been used to hack it but that bull. Someone suggested that if it got as far as asking it then we probably knew the answer and we agreed, it was so depressing though we so wanted there to be other ways and we worked so hard to find those other ways but any let up at any age meant instant horrific loss.

We all tried so hard to stop things we needed to tell you but couldn't to go to other,. wrong people but it wasn't always possible.

That morning. When you were sleeping after that night before and we knew you had seen and knew enough to not just be overwhelmed and destroyed by it as everything and everyone is if they do not know how it works. And you saw it. After all those fucking years. You could truly see us and we would see the whole us. And have to leave again of course. There was a finality to it. Not of me and you but of all that that we could never believe could ever be over. We could talk about it with you. We had completely forgotten by the morning that of course you did not come alone how would that be even possible.. But the look of him when he came in.. We didn't need him to say anything. We didn't need to see him break but he did and we were glad he did it there with you and me.

The parting though. We got all self centred and pissed that we had done all this work to get our mental health back and know we had to help it, you into the back of a car and watch it drive away then walk back into an NHS psychiatric unit.

We kept looking up at the sky. It wasn't bothering us we just walked you out the building on a niceish day with no cover.We said didn't we? About the wishing he could stay and we could enjoy the countryside and the views together then go home here get Pabs look after him and potter about in the garden. One of the lads had not seen that part of us before and was a bit shocked to hear us say such things but his colleague was a bit more experienced and I think was laughing at him, then we laughed about it to..

Maybe soonish.

Love you. All of you.

Through all the Satanism and hate and ignorance they could find, create from all over the world at us and we still ended up together in a bed clean and fed and safe in the centre of everything and everyone they believed was theirs, giggling about it.






April 24, 2017

Your not our brother

To begin with it was easy to hate what they had done to him, what they had him saying and doing but that became impossible over the years because of the evil and the harm he was doing. They would trigger the little that remembered him not being an abuser and he wouldn't do and say whatever he was told to and say to her.

Like the guy who did his show before him he doesn't exist, he died and is now is just layers of his victims and his abusers structured by his programmers with nothing underneath. It must be such a relief to our littles to know they are not alone in here when it comes to him. That we refused to take his call in the hospital and more people found out about him. Not sure if it was js or someone else pretending that came to the hospital because we had refused the call and were resisting programming but thankfully there were people around to help us we had been heavily drugged and he might of got us if they hadn't been around.

We did everything we could to stop them doing what they did to you but they always have very big numbers of previous victims keeping them safe and doing the work. We really hope it is over for you soon and everyone else who was broken and kept broken so the brain couldn't heal and forced you to do such horrific things over and over so you would never be able to remember who you were. We showed and screamed to so many nations, "both fucking sides" but they were usually too groomed and too conditioned to hear us or care. They knew its a horrible world out there and nothing, nothing would make them take any chances that may possibly lead to any aspect of their personal comfort and safety to be jeopardized. It matter how little the risk was and how great the gain could be. Privilege rules. The familiar is justified. 

I wish we could get out and take anyone decent with us and then end this satanic shit hole and all its rape bots and rape bot programmers permanently. Out there is teaming with life, hope, truth but Terra is death.

April 22, 2017

"Mum you believe in love now?!"

We are translating of course. Back then especially she didn't, wouldn't speak English. Maybe respect, esteem, pride or trust would be a better translation but the word and a sense of its meanings and power was already hidden inside us but we needed her to wake it up again and she did. All the people the were not working for the slavers and experimenters did. To her, the word "love" and the language it comes from was inseparable from the systems of oppression, theft and slavery. We could see when she talked where there highly intelligent survival morphed into the concepts of abusers who help you a little but are actually part of the slave systems. We understood, we knew you can't be ripping away peoples crutches, their defence systems especially when there is nothing else available. We could see she already questioned some of it by the way her eyes and body moved when she talked. She wasn't sure but it was the best they had. It was such relief, she was alive, not just physically walking around but her mind, it was alive and that meant there was hope.

Year later we were able to show her the history of how the abusers set up groups to capture and control anyone who was resisting or prone to resist and how the group that had groomed her had took the endemic rotteness and very long evil traditions and made out like there was nothing else. We knew that wasn't the whole story we had been given and were being given everything that people who were said to be incapable of resisting had kept safe, what they had nurtured, what they dreamed about in the tiny moments when genuine dreaming and wanting is possible.

She was heart broken and furious with herself for falling for it but we were able to show her in detail how it had saved her life and protected parts of her, we helped her have a much better understanding of DID and how levels and programming works and when she understood enough we could show her the work she was doing but was amnesiac of and how she wouldn't be able to do that work without those levels. She was worried that her now knowing would stop the work and we said there was no way those parts would be letting her take in what we were saying if they still had work they needed her to be unconscious about. They needed her awake they needed them all to work together. Then we reminded her that all her parts where just that, parts of her and waited for it to dawn and her dark eyebrows raise and eyes widen. What a fabulous moment.

My god her head was full of crap about the effects of trauma and dissociation we all had to work very hard but she was worth it, it was worth it. Besides everything we taught or figured out with her she would teach others.There was no way we could let them kill her but she had to know how they fought us and not just what we were fighting and once she had enough of a grasp she was easily able to surpass us, she was an adult after all an adult that isn't here. She ended up so soft we were scared we had gone to far and rendered her useless but it was just a stage she needed to be in, parts of her she had never been able to explore before and it made her utterly unrecognisable to them. We literally could go out to public places and eat whilst surrounded by them as usual and they were feat, inches away with no fucking idea who she was. That everything their work was focused on was sitting so close, unarmed and vulnerable while they were searching for something and someone entirely different. She asked what we were laughing about we said we would tell her later.

 My god we were so relieved when she found her centre and stopped acting, dressing, talking and feeling mumsy. It was awful. One of those things when something you thought you always wanted but could never come true and then it does and its wrong, just all wrong and you learn so much about yourself and what you need versus what you think you probably need.

Not everything we were told about her was complete fiction especially when we first met her and we were never one for genuinly believing it is essential for the people's safety that some people are tortured and enslaved but it surprises us when we can still be shocked by things. It surprised us to how much we maybe did think of her as "mum" when we found out her story and what happened to her here and was devastated. We kept telling ourself it was programming but we couldn't think of the source of it and couldn't unravel it. We had been told she hated Earth and we remembering being unsure if the Americans telling us this were trying to endear us towards her or otherwise. They weren't trying to but they very much did, it was one of those wacko systems where instead of being talked to be people who seemed nice but were working under people who were evil as fuck they were the sickos and the brief they were working under that was from a place that did not see things the same. Heaps of the stuff they said or made us do just made us laugh or undid bad programming. It was fun while it lasted.

We know this sense of people being so far away it doesn't matter if they are alive is unlikely to last forever. Of course it matters. We matter. Ze matters.



April 21, 2017

What's Love?

Think it was something we over heard that reminded us there was more than the cages, tables, equipment and abusers and that we would had to go and find it, find her. We had to find a time when they were not watching to make contact. There was a few of us in a room resting when another girl in, she was crying and it woke every one up. The shoved her in and locked the door again. She found a corner, curled up and started crying quieter and softer, getting louder every now and again in response to some pang that no one was going to help her with. Sometimes we would try to help and comfort each other but sometimes everyone was just to exhausted. Some times kids died in the room overnight and were left there until morning. We wondered if we still cried but just didn't hear it, didn't feel it at the time. We guessed and kind of hoped we still did before realising we had our opportunity in the darkness next to our sisters.

We knew mum had said they would help us out but they were not my friends they would just want to use me themselves I would have to figure out a way to get away from them once they got me out to get to people who were friendly. We have tiny flashes of it. The blackness and whole bright anything looks against it. She's right this place is massive. The people. Loud and shifty and sweaty. Our tiny hands looking even tinier against the controls and machinery. Our ridiculous brain. Figure out this. Don't think about that. We remember heat and orange above us and looking over our shoulder to see there would be no survivors as we flew on. Mum or someone had said it was the only way.

We had no idea what to do now. We just wanted to cry. We were so tired and got so far and did as best we could to follow mums instruction about what to do where and when to hide, where to refuel (friends with bigger hands had to step in at that bit but I wasn't to tell mom because she would not believe they were ok and they weren't certain they were anyway). We had said goodbye when we really didn't want to because it was to risky to do otherwise and done the rest ourself but now we were here and mums friends were feat away but we were stuck staring at the thing that was between us. "You need to make a noise" it came from somewhere and it helped us get our feelings together and focus on solving the problem. We remember someone new banging on the door of the room with there hands when someone else was chocking and turning blue. We tried something like that but it wasn't very loud, more like soft thuds we were not sure anyone would hear then we heard movement from the other side. 

We took a few steps back and started shaking and panicking again, thinking all I had done was transport myself to other horrors. Horrors without my sisters. We were stunned when the door opened. He looked kind of confused, maybe a bit angry as he stared out way over our head. He was shaped like the evil people who had us at the place and who helped us get out but he also somehow looked completely different. We couldn't help seeing he wasn't omitting evilness, it didn't hurt to look at him and that did weird things to our brain, to our everything. We stared up at him all the shadows on his face, there wasn't a lot of light and it seemed to be becoming less all the time and it made him look like a picture.

He looked around a bit more than turned around and shut the door behind him. We stood there for a bit trying to process what had just happened before realising we needed to try again. He came quicker this time and looked even more confused/angry than last time. We realised we would have to make another kind of noise but wasn't sure how and got as far as a gulp and a squeak before he looked down and saw us and gasped, fell over, grabbed me held me, stared, held me some more than carried me inside.

We hated leaving our sisters in that hell and hated not being able to tell them much but there was no future except the worst if I didn't, it would be their turn soon enough though and we could tell parts of it to their parts until then and that would help them even though they wouldn't know why. Well most of them. We saw the girl we were closest to was pretending to be asleep when we left. We wanted to talk to say we would be back but couldn't, we thought about her lying there a lot and missed her lots and lots and wished it wasn't so awful there.

We were not sure we had ever been with people who made us feel like it was okay to be a child before. We were surprised at how easy it was and how easily they disarmed us. On the journey they didn't understand when we cried what was wrong we didn't understand why they thought we were crying because we were thirsty or hungry. We were crying for our sister. Someone figured it out/got it out of us and instead of offering me stuff he just wrapped his arms around us for ages. He was saying stuff but we didn't bother trying to figure out what we knew we didn't need to, it sounded nice and good.

We saw her before she saw us. There was no way to tell her we were coming. Everyone in the hanger and through the building stopped and stared as the small group carried us to her. She was sitting, working. We are shying from remembering what she looks like. "Masculine" maybe if we were to use shitty here culture and we would rather not but can't access much else when embedded and abandoned here. She was so surprised and happy, once she was sure it was us and we hadn't been traced. We knew it was a good sign if she was happy and amazed with us. She did not agree to me going back but she had to accept they would loose what they had there and that couldn't be risked. We said we had to go back for our sisters to, she said they were not like me and we said we knew and "not yet". She smiled but only because she couldn't help it. She said it was my choice, they would be prepared to keep me there and fight as best they could and at the time we thought they were saying that because they didn't know what would happen if they had tried that but when we were older we understood that wasn't the case.

Any tiny remaining trace of a part of us that believed what we had been and would continue to be told about her disappeared when we saw her puke as the doors of the transporter shut to start the journey back. We hated that we only fully felt like that now we were leaving and it would be years before we saw her again. We were terrified we would go back to that place and still feel like a child and expect care from the adults there. We shouldn't of worried though because she was with us enough and our sisters knew enough to help us. We felt so proud when one of the guys carried us back in there pretending to be someone else. Once he had left they stared at us and asked us what had gone on with them and how we got out, asking why we looked so well. We just stood there and blinked at them like we were just a little kid and had no idea what they were saying, possibly peed ourself so they would believe we were all traumatised and so they would kick us out of there sooner so we could see our sisters.

Couldn't help a pang of guilt when we saw how physically different we had become. It was weeks, months at the most where I had been eating regularly and not being beaten, raped, tortured or experimented on and we hadn't seen how bad a state we were all in when we were all the same. We cried then, really cried and felt and heard it to. I think we managed to say we loved them. It might of been the first time. Mum had said it to us, so had lots of the other people we were glad to share it with those that had been stuck there the whole time. Telling everyone stories when we could about it seemed to really help everyone for a while and it helped us to.

After a while they split us up and we started being brought here but it was known they were going to do that so there was usually ways to make sure none of us we completely alone for too long. Usually.



...

April 19, 2017

we call each other mummy you can be mum is that ok

Few of the things we ordered last week have arrived, the long sleeved top that has patches and is very homey little girly and beautiful it makes even our non girly girls smile, like it's something our Dad would of dressed us in. The giant man tshirt with a picture of a unicorn came to it is also wonderful. They made us squeal a little with delight. Has to be a good sign that we are able to want, order and enjoy. They stink of factory so we put them in the wash and will dry them on the line tomorrow. We tried on the long sleeved and its great but it felt kinda uncomfortable and risky to wear something that little Rosie and others love so much, it fits over the boobs which was a concern cause if it was too tight we would never wear it all. If we can we will put it on and take a picture to show you.

A little box of plug plants came to. I love the whole little box of baby plants coming through the letter box thing. 12 petunias, 4 lovely colours. We are going to treat them properly this year and take them in at night for a week like they always say to do. We went back to feeling really good out there, planting up the plugs, assembling the shelving that will hopefully keep stock seedlings out of cat range, tidying up, feeding and watering. We rearranged the hangers to which have been in the same places since last spring if not longer and that did so much psychological good.

The push for us to give out information on mother never ended. Being tortured by people asking about her when we had no idea about anything was just something that happened. There was quite a few hospital visitors desperately trying their luck by using triggers that did nothing and trying to confuse us about who we were. We laughed at them when a British bloke was trying to teach one of the women who worked on the ward how to manipulate us. "Dude we identify as plural and confused, that's our centre, reminding us of that is only going to help, thanks. Whatever the last cunts did to us totally messed us up and you just straightened us right out there cheers". . . oh the old pretending to be part that doesn't know they are swearing.. lol..It was the main most skilled programmers, those trained in rare techniques that were too valuable to have out and about much that we knew and mother knew we had to keep things hidden from. If we could keep them out then it would be unlikely any of the people under them could get what the Russians couldn't. 

We became so quick to dissociate majorly at the mention of or thoughts relating to "real mother" we would use it on ourself when needed not to be present. I think we did pretty good at not giving them information about her even during mapping years. There was so much disconnect between the rings it was possible to use whatever one group was doing to effect parts in ways that meant other groups would not get what they wanted because the parts they were after had become unreachable. As years went on there were so many layers put there by us and abusers that we rarely had to worry about saying something or thinking or feeling anything that related to her because we couldn't of got near any recollection or sense of any of it no matter how much we tried and how much we felt we needed to remember.

Sometimes it would get too much and one of us would feel close to giving whoever what they wanted so they would them kill us and it would be over but there was always too much that stayed too close to each other and to others to let that happen.

Every now and again we would have to go to her and get help finding ways so we could fix our system enough to function at all we were just such a mess of amnesiac and non able parts. She would help get our system to a place where we could function better and help us find ways to survive whatever was going to happen next but ze was just another fighter, another escapee, another expert in all this shit and we had to keep it that way.

They were always very determined. We always knew when one lot gave up another would be along soon enough. With the size of their systems they would catch things here and there that made some of them even surer she was still alive and still active. We knew we would have to be even more determined to not tell them than they were in finding out and that was going be the hardest thing we would ever have to do and we would have to keep doing it for a very long time. We persuaded her to be less active and let us do her work and let them catch us and tell them you had trained us and then left saying your probably would never be back. Which was hardly bull. The bull would be looking them in the eyes and persuading them we had no idea who she was and did not have ongoing contact with her when we did. It was one of those very hallow victories because we couldn't help thinking if they had not broken and split us and tried to kill us so much we would totally be giving ourselves away right now. 

Those "We have no mother" walls are still there in places of course but are being traversed. One patch of stuff that is definitely on the other side is why we feel so confident writing about this now.  The danger, the terror just isn't there any more and we are our usual 'yeah we knew this would happen/did we fuck what the hell are going on about/whateves usuals' self.. wtf..

What we told the Russian's about Trumps and what we told everyone about the Russians and Trumps being exposed as bang on can only be a part of it. Yep getting back into comfortably concerned territory now.. 

But we actually feel like things are going to get better.. its maybe just the antidepressants and the vitamin D and the internal communications but maybe its because things are going to get better without getting worst first.

(She prefers"Sir" though. Like us.. and she hates gender to. She tells us not to use 'he' or 'she'. It's great. I know your superiors will never change their mind about her but neither will we and we know her..)