quite serious
We don't feel like we want to write much at the moment. Nothing has happened. The social worker hasn't been in touch which is a relief but I never know if I'm going to get a txt asking to pop in and we have to try and destink the place. I missed the appointment over at the hospital to talk about Pabs went to the thing at the school that evening instead. There was no way I could of done both. Have the CPN this week who seemed ok she is bringing leaflets to groups and stuff that might help if I really have nothing else. Also have appointment this week with one of the psyches from the hospital. Were we really mental enough to have been having sex with one or two doctors we already knew from the rings? With everything that was going on? I have no idea but I do remember back in Dundee when I had a much more functioning head than I do at the moment telling myself our time in hospital was going to be an extreme time and not to worry about trying to figure out what did and didn't happen as it would be impossible without being well integrated. We feel to stretched between believing we will not be left here alone for ever and believing it's entirely impossible we will be. It's so hard to push ourself to get out there in anyway and it's pointless if we arn't going to be staying here but we know nothing solid about where or when or how we are getting out so doing nothing also feels like a pointless waste of time and a cause of avoidable stress.
Almost everything we know about ourself is in conflict with everything else and we have always been worried that the abusers who said it would all cancel itself out and we would be left where the put us with nothing could happen. Especially when we think about things like this up coming appointment. We seem to feel like we "have" to go. We also feel like we have some self care concerns. We also still utterly terrified of the NHS because of the lack or exposure and accountability. It's on Thursday. We can't see us being much more integrated or any more able to adult by then.
