we did this to your mum to and we will do it to your daughters when they are your age. We will make you help us keep them alive for us to rape. Can you understand what we are saying there. Slavery by birth. Involving and protected by the highest levels. Can you see why mute and ignore people think that is somehow "not surprising" or the NWO. They get eight and nine year olds pregnant for the porn, ask us to sing to our already raped unborns and tell them our stories of trying to get to safety and market them. Put our words in our rapists mouths and tell us to be thankful our work is being appreciated.
Satanic trafficking. Borne out of empire and the hate and the greed and the hopelessness that breeds. But how will that help us survive tonight. How will that help the children survive the extremes of pain they are keep them in.
It was always part of the scene but some seemed really invested in it. It was devastating. Particularly when literally true but even when it wasn't because of the truth in what they were saying about they way women and girls are treated in general by men positions of power and how the rest of society tolerates it.
They got my mum, they got me, they got my daughters. We aren't in a place to know how many granddaughters we have and how many of them they got. When there are only ten years between generations they build up pretty quickly. We've helped a lot of abortions. We would never arrange a brutal one but when we had access to the right drugs. Sometimes decisions are easy. Sometimes not and we messed with our memory a lot to hide when a little tough bundle was taken far far away or if ze was cleaned and held and never knew anymore suffering. We understood how hard it must of been for people who rescued us and found us later than half way through a pregnancy.
There was so much encouragement and programming aimed at making us feel very connected to pregnancies. Some of believed they were taking to their unborn and could feel their pain. Usual there is a level of this we believe in but through all the sleep, food and sensory depravation, the rape that went on for days at a time, our age, the splitting of us, the constant emotional abuse and worse when the DJs and friends weren't around etc etc we don't think everything we remember experiencing particularly when we first start thinking about it is going to be as it happened.
Our biggest association from that time during the 90s, based in Skene is feeling so small and very pregnant and starved and sore, blindfolded and crying. There was something about "well this what you wanted, you remember your dad now don't you". Scottish bloke accent, we associated with Margo's brother but wasn't always. Then the handing over to Spoonie and Moyles and all those horrific scenes.
We know it wasn't anyone's fault but it was still so hard to forgive people for not being able to stop it and the longer and longer it went on the less anyone who loved us would recognise us when there was no time to show them before we were found again.
I know we did so much work to smash those rings but how can we not focus on all that is ongoing and what is just waiting and what is evolving even though we feel like we can't do fuck all from here so there is no point doing their job for them by torturing myself.
Where could all that hate come from? To hate foetuses. They are all just mad, skillfully manipulated mad, some of whom with essential parts of their brain removed to make them more compliant. They wanted us to fight them, to see them as an evil that we tried to battle and were defeated by instead of a it all being just more horrific shit that happened to us by people who had horrific shit done to them. They were terrified of our ability to stay grounded. They hated it. They would say they get us to do what they wanted just like our mum but we didn't believe it because if they had her doing what they wanted they wouldn't of murdered her.
The same games, same torture and rape routines were played out by different groups of people. Someone was trying to figure out what got to us most. We had no option but to never speak and only move if it could get us safer. It went very dark for a long time.
It is dark. We know the fake narrator is instead of a voice. We knew we couldn't have our voice when our mind has been segregated and sold off to most learned or creative tortures.
They would keep reaching us from whatever dark places we hide in. They needed us. We, catatonic and tied up and adolescent was the closest thing to a safe adult. How could we not look into Adam's loving eyes and not be forced out of the shade? How could we not see the stance and the pride in the girls and the fight in the girls and remember us and our mums. Or look at their hair and their dry skin and remember everyone else.
And little Suzie. Whoes real name is something our tongue aches to be allowed to pronounce. She needed her mum. We need her.