October 17, 2013

Us - October 2013

By christ its been awful.  Poor beautiful 12.  Not as awful as it was when it was ongoing but still seriously awful.  Those bastards emaciated me and loads of people were involved, loads knew something or enough. They hurt bairns, outside bairns and not just mine, hurt them a lot and no one I told was able or willing to do enough to stop it.  Its probably been about a year since that particular system of seriously traumatised trafficked parts came forward so completely and so devastatingly and for so long.  Last time we had only just started seeing therapist and were pretty mute then too relieved when they went away again to want to trigger them back by talking about it much.  Surely next time its not gonna hit so hard we have all done a lot of work.  Basically gone from having words like 'DID' 'Rape' and horrible pictures floating around a mind that had little awareness of what it was to drawing system  maps.  Its been said before but it can't be a bad thing to say again, with even more truth behind it.  We have stopped listening to BBC radio.

Felt so much better today and yesterday that invited one remaining new friend over for wine and Chinese. She's worried about me. Should she be told less or more? I told her to check out the charges against the bloke from the lost profits. Never mentioning anything about any of isn't an option, all there is with me and where any of us has been is DID, trafficking, incest and 'heavy dudes' from all walks of life.  Chatting is a nightmare and if something new about Jimmy Savile comes on the radio its going to be obvious I want to hear what was said.  She's doing better than G from the burgh though who has become another yet reason to stay the fuck away from facebook permanently and provided an opportunity to recognize the utter disaster zone that is our sexuality/ies without putting the whole experience down to bad luck.  Our personalities, our specific cocktails of PTSD related issues are not going to work well together at the moment.

Definitely officially unshagable, unemployable and fairly unsocialable for the foreseeable future anyway as thoughts relating to sex trigger parts that are 12 and her little sisters and brothers and we are no where near fixing that yet to the point of possibly losing motor skills and cognitive abilities.  The whole 'lets pretend there is an 'I' here' thing to be having any sex at all has had another massive strip ripped off. There's not much left and what is left is increasingly transparent or opaque rather than granite and solid black.  In the long term its a good thing, its necessary to not be vulnerable and anxious all the time to have some relationship with reality even if that reality is hell but blasting away the BS foundations makes for lots more anxious and vulnerability in the short term.

12. She doesn't have any concept of a name. Just triggers that allow people to hurt her, behave to ways she doesn't want to and be in places she hates.

wtf. She's a main product/subject of abuse and trafficking ring based in UK involving lots of media and entertainment types but they were assisted by Scottish RA rings and others.  She managed to hold on to sense that sex with little children was wrong and not the child's fault but had been taught to see that as ending at puberty, she struggled hard against the shame she was told to feel because she had a female post puberty body.  The rape was brutal, prolonged and sometimes public.  By 2001 she was still 12 still mostly amnesiac and they decided it was time to make her not amnesiac anymore. The main people involved in it had be so for ten years or more. That ten years of us fighting, switching and being caught out.  Ten years of having little or no control over my fertility or health or lifestyle never mind who we spend time with.  Ten years of giving specific details to police up and down the country and it making it worse.  Ten years of watching their public careers and or money and influence grow while I was in more and more pain, more and more alienated and victimized and losing count of their other victims that aren't around to be not believed and not cared about.

We struggle to know what to do for her but we have started buying and accepting gifts for the kids maybe if we reduce the anxiety around her she will find away to think and feel outside of the relentless mind control torture experiments.  There is an amazon packet shoved under the bed for a boy who was the first the pick out a toy for his sister, some how it seems to have postage paid on it and came first. Whoever did this thank you. He feels so guilty and he's so little.  What can you do with people we treat wee bodies and minds like that? Surely not give them what ever they want and let them get on with it.  It's going to take a while for him to move on from what those people did, for all that shock to unravel and for the administrator to get that it wasn't someone in here's fault. The damage was done be actual real other people who hurt and damaged lots of other children to.  No one made this horror up in their heads because they are bad or not well it was real. The little girl was happy to wait for her presents, she's excited and happy.  I see them in new clean clothes with warm well fed clean safe bodies they aren't used to, smiling and sleepy and any a setting that is increasingly less chaotic.  Its a cool stage to be in really once the social hang up about buying yourself play mobile when your supposed to be a grown woman has been crossed.  Lots more playing knex and lego with wee man too.    







2 comments:

  1. "Its a cool stage to be in really once the social hang up about buying yourself play mobile when your supposed to be a grown woman has been crossed" is something I relate to so, so much, though the hang-up`s are a huge struggle I/ we are so tangled up in. Reading this post gives me hope that, maybe one day we too will get over the shame of being D.I.D.
    Pretending there is an "I" is something else I relate to so much, too. Just writing "I relate to..." feels like a lie, since there is no I.

    Think youre doing great, and having read your blog for ages (now over my resistance to leaving a comment, lest I write something really stupid!).

    Think your blog is amazing and really admire you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you so much Elles. It's so hard trying to talk about something that the language we have excludes it, especially when whats trying to be described is the fact you exist..Whenever we use 'we' sometimes we can see peoples eyes rolling or teachers at school but its people we don't like and its a prejudice like any other we don't need.

    Wouldn't worry about saying something stupid this is the internet after all! Besides even if someone did it wouldn't of been you it would be part that's just learning how to express it's self. ;-)

    ReplyDelete