February 05, 2013

Ramblings from a Straight Jacket.

Right Digital Spy!!

I've joined but am still not allowed to contribute! If I could I might flag up the 'straight jacket' comment as pointlessly abusive and possibly in breach of the sites' terms and conditions.  I have dreams about being a professional writer, the blog is partly a way of working out my voice and trying out different styles, testing what I can and can not say.  It is also (and probably most importantly) for venting and a way of recording my memories (for me) as they come up because I often forget them.  I am not interested in arguing about cannabis, you don't know me or how cannabis helps me enjoy life and instantly stops any thoughts of self harm or suicide.  I have had enough misery and hopelessness in my life and am not prepared to accept a second more of it than I have to.  My current psychiatrist gave me the diagnosis of both DID and MPD which I find useful because when I'm dissociated I'm 'not there' no one is, but with MPD I am someone else, although usually I am conscious of everything I say and do as the result of team work between alters.  The anger in the poem is a reaction to some of the comments but is also a response to the sensationalisation of all kinds of sexual abuse and how victims are often further objectified and alienated by the professionals, fiends and family members who we desperately turn to for help.

There is no point in trying convince anyone who has faith in existing systems such as police, courts, politics to protect the vulnerable or of the scale of corruption, cover up and violence that is inherit throughout.   Telling anyone I talked to police about Savile and everything else while he was still alive 2 years ago, 7 years ago and god knows how many times as child or adult when it was ongoing is not going to make any difference if they have already decided I'm a nutter.  I am far from the only one who only feels confident to publicly  discuss rape after the abuser is dead and other people are all ready coming forward.

Please don't interpret my blog as being written to be a factual account of everything that has happened to me and everyone who has hurt me.  I'm a creative writer trying different ways to express, share, work through and move on from a horrific childhood and early adulthood. It is a personal blog, that I write for personal reasons which of course anyone can interpret what ever they like from it.