February 23, 2013

Drained

Very draining fortnight, the statement last week, three sessions this week and next week its my 'birthday' next week. As usual I can't bear the thought of the birthday.  It's my Halloween.  At least at Christmas there's lights, decorations and chocolate everywhere.   There's been a shit load of tears and there is probably going to be a shit load more.  My supplies haven't been supplied and the poor lanky female in the cupboard whose due in about 10 ten days has lost a few lower limbs and was far from over ever endowed before.  My god, I forgot how good home grown bud can taste, even when its well immature and fresh out the oven.  Must leave the rest..

The psychiatrist wanted a nurse to be present while he takes a history.  He's quite open about the fact that he's 'working in the dark', as he puts it.  He seems to think that if he reads my file more and looks into things he's going to figure out what ever is going on for me. I wished it him good luck.  He brought in the same CPN that I saw in refuge, she literally scoffed at me then to.  It sounded a bit deliberate the way she got the pied piper's name wrong.  I think she did the exact same thing last time.  Last time I saw her one of the workers from Woman's Aid said she was a bit shocked at the way the CPN had talked about me when she showed her out.  There was talk about saying something to someone about her unprofessional behavior and attitude but it never happened.  I won't be talking in front of her again but I might ask if she remembers me from refuge.

Psychiatrist said he wanted an investigation of his own, I would of asked what sort of investigation and into what but I was occupied in trying to sob with some sort dignity. We didn't have much time his next patient arrived and he told me when I was about to leave that he wanted to talk to my parents.  For obvious reasons I wasn't too keen but said we can talk about it next time when I will probably also give him their phone numbers.  And PsychoSis's as well for that matter, not feeling vulnerable to the point of not being to handle a ranty phone call from her.

He often asks about my sexual history and fantasies and I find it all very hard to answer, sexual experiences and fantasies are things that other people have.  I have rape and exploitation and memories of sex that felt good at the time. He's asked several times how many forced abortions, not in hospitals I've had.  I kept saying I didn't know.  It's like he doesn't understand what DID/MPD are and actually mean in terms of someone long term memories.  We haven't really talked about mind control at all.  I got the feeling he is starting suspect the majority of what I'm saying didn't happen.  He asked if he could speak to my therapist, I'm totally cool that.  She can give him the sort of academic overview that I can't.

New drama therapist seems okay.  I made up a story about a fox whose happy solitude is broken by the wails of a starving young family that live on the other side of a deep, dangerous crevice.  He takes them food, purely to shut them up but is injured on the journey and is forced to stay and be taken care of by the family he set out to help.  She says she's into using movement and I definitely need some of that but I it's probably going to hurt.

My one to one therapist wants to give me some education on the current thinking on DID and multiples so we can establish some sort of vocabulary to describe what goes on.  I told her about Sally and Rab.  I think Sally was Savile's previous 'favorite' that I watched him and his associate murder.  I told her hair was beautiful before they started on her, she said it was dyed and when I see Sally her hair is mousy.  I often took on the dead, my way of dealing with it I guess it gave me a purpose.  I could help them answer the questions they need answered and they stayed with me always and protected me from the worst.  Rab on the other hand, was long dead before I was born, what with him being Burns.  I was thinking the other night  I would love to write the story of the relationships between me and all the people in my head, we have so much fun sometimes.  That way the focus is me and the amazing ways that the human mind can survive shit not focusing on the abusers, what they did what and what pub they went to for a pint afterwards. It avoids a lot of the legal/safety worries.

I also told her about the flashbacks of birth in my room, the stiff, aching body when I stood up afterwards and then walking into the bathroom to find Alkysis had drowned the baby in the bath.  She thinks its probably mind control.  I'm not so sure.  I don't think the mind control stuff usually comes back in dribs and drabs like that.  The mind control stuff was about giving me (as in the ANP 'apparently normal personality'..)experiences of rape that I didn't completely dissociate from that were with 'me' all day and all night. They don't come back in very sensory emotionally overwhelming flashbacks years later because they weren't blocked out at the time.  Furthermore, the 'me' that exists in the mind control rape stuff would often seem sort of unrecogniseable when recalled.  She if generally really shocked and surprised that whatever is happening is happening.  Where as any 'me' with any kind of self consciousness, isn't.

May hear from the police next week, find out what the almighty Met are saying.  Not that I'm giving much of a fuck.  I can't see me been treated by them in a way that will make me feel safe enough to really open up about everything.  The officer who took the statement was very clear about including that I have information that is relevant to Fernbridge though.