September 25, 2012

Their not going in without with out a general..

Transvaginal..

I have given this some balanced consideration and am considering cancelling the appointment.  I have voluntary attended numerous examinations in this region in order to find out why I hurt all the fucking time.  I found exactly why on numerous occassions.  People where torturing me.  Down there and in there and sometimes down my throat.  Have you ever been raped with a transvaginal scanner when you were already in constant burning twisting agony?  At doesn't matter how many disassociated states you have some things are just so painful they get though to you in ways you never forgot.  'Life Defining'

Your the NHS your supposed to take months to get round to stuff..

Fuck.

Can I reschedule?  

September 23, 2012

Sexualy Enlightened by 'Sex in the City.'

While my neighbours are digging into Fifty Shades of Grey (its about deviant sex - my shrink told me) I am recently discovered the joy of back to back sex in the city episodes.  I always loved the frank discussions, the women and their relationships/careers etc pretty watchable but had to turn over during the dirty bits or risk blackouts and vomiting.  I've found so of it mildly and comfortably titillating.  Expect most of what Samantha gets up to of course, watching her in some positions makes me hurt but the thought that a woman might enjoy performing oral sex on a man no longer makes me want to firebomb everything everywhere. 

The openness of their communication with each other, their lack of inhibitions and lack of guilt over inhibitions inspired a long hard think about a particular highly attractive ex.  'I finished' as Carrie and the girls say.  The last episode I watched tonight was the one where the ginger one's mum dies and Samantha loses her orgasms.  Its probably my favourite, its quite cathartic watching the big blond tart from Police Academy weeping on the posh birds shoulder.  Portrayal of strong, emotionally intimate relationships between woman on TV has made me cry before and probably will again.  It would be amazing to have a safety net like that and would save a shit load on shrinks.  I hate all that women competing over men crap, coz the men in question are usually tools and the woman are too disadvantaged to see how varied their opportunities could be without being bloke dependant, if they were able to support instead of undermined each other.

So I start providing Nunushrink (henceforth referred to as Nunu) with a trauma history.  Not something I feel at all able to put any timescale on at the moment.  Got appointment for pelvic scan, what a fun day that will be.  Need to do it though, really struggling to take pill again there has been quite a few days when I thought pain started after taking it.  Need to make sure it really is the only/best option.  Run out last Friday, by Tuesday all I could think was 'this is like being gang raped when heavily pregnant and/or in labour.  Not nice, makes me a bit irritable, tearful and stuff.  Dishes are needin done.

Kids sex education book came through today.  It looks really cool, funny cute wee cartoons and family friendly text.  Looked at back of book and saw they did Lets Talk about bodies and family one as well would of got it first if I'd seen it.  It was more basic anatomy I was looking for him, his existing body book has an androgynous humanoid shape to show where pee leaves the body that bugs me.  He frets when he gets and an erection, comes running through to me saying he can't get his tinkle to go back down.  I tell him not to worry, its perfectly natural and will probably go away if he stops fiddling with it, whilst trying not to look too uncomfortable or stare.  The book says its for 10 - 14 year olds which I think is a bit late.  How much porn has the average 14 year old boy looked at, searched or been shown by friend.  Whats he taught by mainstream culture, page 3, Hollywood and all those bastard music videos.   At 10 most girls are already been sexualised, traumatised by social attitudes towards their bodies and the roles they are pressured into.  I read on amazon when I was researching something I would be comfortable for him to dip into over the years when read something that really pissed me of.  Someone complained about one book that it wasn't necessary to teach 5 year olds about homosexuality. As if telling a kid that some women and men prefer to be close to people of the same sex is akin to mentioning fisting, vibrators, bondage and S&M.  Surely is better to give them some basics well before the prepubescent hormones and peer pressure start kicking in.
 

September 12, 2012

:)

When we first spoke on the phone I thought her accent suggested she might be too posh but she's not.  The psychiatrist was cheery, down to earth and had read my notes.  Read my fucking notes!  That is rare thing.  Now all I need is a cheery, down to earth gynaecologist and it will be full clip.  G has been and gone.  We went for walk after therapy and had lunch overlooking the water, it sunny, it was warm and the food was worth the money.

So Diagnosises then.  He drew a Venn diagram to try and sketch out where he wanted to go in regards to my psychiatric conditions.  I appreciated the way he worked and the fact that he does work.  'I will do a bit of research'.  From a psychiatrist, a fucking NHS psychiatrist!!  Bless 'im.

Gotta mention Liverpool though.  And not mention 9/11.

'hang themselves in shame' - Classic. 

September 03, 2012

Until I can tell my own story..

All quotes from Breaking Ritual Silence: An Anthology of Ritual Abuse Survivivors' Stories eds., Jeanne Marie Lorenze & Paula Levy (1998)

'When you are born to satanist
parents, you drink paradox with
your mother's milk.' (Jane Solay, p.132)

'And I will write it someday; I will tell. I will tell in words that people will not be able to look away from..' (g & c, p.7)

'By age fifteen, I had been raped thousands of times, witnessed scores of murders, and killed..' (Joy, p.25)

'Killing just seemed natural and matter-of-fact for us. (Morgana, p.61)

'They taught me that everything has life and everything is sacred, then they turned around and forced me to abuse an animal or use one of the elements in an abusive way.' (Two Bears Running, p.41)

'I was an interrogator and an assassin.' Morgana (p.62)
p76/77

Dx

September 02, 2012

tenner a gram

Can't put a price on feeling positive and inspired.

Sooo.

No one has contacted social services about my sister yet.  Well not as far as I know anyway.  After her last binge mum agreed again to give her one last chance, as long as she went to her sessions, took some drug that might help cravings and stayed sober.  Mother also offered to pay for Alkysis's to have private therapy.  This had me spitting a few feathers at the time.  Alkysis has never shown much interest in therapy whenever she has been offered it in the past.  Legend has it that she went to one AA meeting and turned up gutter and was asked to leave.  She made out she was still going for weeks taking my mums and money and hitting the pub, or the bus shelter toilet with a bottle of rum or whatever it is she does.   Whereas I have a sense of 'therapy' being one of my first conscious words along with 'no', 'lawyer' and 'sore'.  'Police' came a bit later.  She has never offered to pay for my therapy and I would of asked, at least once or twice, maybe more and worked with NHS on and off since I was 13 to this day.  Its been a few days since I have talked to either of them and have had excellent drama and talking sessions since then and don't really give a fuck about it anymore.

I'm gonna write some note for the shinny nu shrink that lives a half hour bus journey away in nicer part of town.  Shes discussed her supervision, studying ritual abuse, networking with people who work and study in that field and so far has answered most of my questions before I needed to ask them.  I hate calling it a all 'field' its just to accurate to be academic and by that I mean it triggers like fuck.  I have been feeling really awful a lot for a while now.  I have noticed before that when that happens I am likely to idolise anyone who starts to have any kind of a positive effect on my life.  I have a real chance at a long term therapeutic relationships here though and that is fucking ace.

Might write soon. Dx