July 29, 2012

Just a wee paragraph before I completly forget what I was saying..

Theres a holiday/Westcoastaphile piece that I've started but isn't ready quite to go back to yet.  I loved it but on benefits and with no car it wouldn't be possible to live there.  I'm giving serious thoughts to phoning child protection before the next crisis.  Wee man is going to be 5 soon.  The memories are still coming, they are becoming more detailed, more of a sense of how I felt.  I've also remembered a husband and got in touch with some of my sexuality.  I know his name and but haven't googled it yet.  The 'married with 2 children' bit always hits me hard.  I don't know how this is going to effect the relationship between us and my family.  It takes a lot out of me being with them.  I know parts of me has wanted to spend time and space with them as a way of staying in touch with whatever I lost at there hards.  Parts of me that chose to be hurt by familiar predictable people than have hope and have it smashed so irrevocably.  Now there are parts of me that have the safe space and love I need.  Parts of me that are highly educated and insightful that ain't dedicated to surviving a brutal nasty existence.  The air turns to cotton wool when I'm with them sometimes, the floor to fine wind blown sand. 

And what about tomorrow.  Work focused interview in afternoon but lots of time before that.  Free school meals to start sorting out and maybe some investigations into child protection in my sisters area, then assembling wee man's 1st bike in the evening.  Buying food, bike assembly and not feeling stressed out will be the priorities.  Deeply dysfunctional families are a fucking nightmare.  At least I'll have backup on the day though and quite probably a lift home.  I can see why people get into having friends they really are essential for your mental health if you come from a family of alcoholilic, denial ridden former sex cult members.  Why don't I get away?  Because it takes so much out of me that I wont have enough strength to fight to build a brand new life from scratch after the fight to get myself to a respectable distance from them.  There really was an awful lot of sexual torture and humilation from a lot of people.  What the fuck was all that about then? 

July 04, 2012

fragments

the more I think about what I want to write the more I realise the story is already known, its the story of me that I write to separate myself from the past. 

Drama therapist poned today and asked about wee man's safety.  Difficult questions to answer but I'm always glad that someone other than me is asking.  I've already talked for hours.  My mother's hands are full of arthritis and she was always running on empty anyway.  Alkysis is either drunk or shaking and often blind because she is always breaking or losing her glasses.  The little ones, well granted they can strop for Britain and have given some nasty from behind hug tackles but I think its a while before I need to worry about them pimping me out.  Better the devil you know and devils that are old, tired and struggling with desises are the best.   

West Coast trip planned soon.  Increasingly becoming a bit of a thought.  I wonder what memories I'm chasing now.  Now doubt I'll find them by the bucket load.  I've working my Wii fit and the baby weights a bit over the oast few days.  The plan is to be outside with my son lots.  In air that  preferably isn't freezing cold, soaking wet or beastie infested..  Either way I want to walk about in it, under the sky, sniffing the nature and all that. Boy + beach = :) Really glad there will be other 'adults' there theres no way I'd been volunteering to herd three kids in large open spaces for a week and think it was a good idea.  Were taking a fair amount of baggage out there and hopefully taking it all back again too as long as the weather doesn't get so awful my mother decides its to have a launch some sort of intervention on my sister while quaffing vino.  All the while I'm contemplating have much clever I am than them as cough and hack my way through endless roll ups.  Family life is great, its what our great nations are built on. 

They were trained to do it then they were trained to stop.  I think I might try saying that next time.  And how do you know? The brave ones might answer.  Because I was involved in the research, planning and execution of said training.