May 31, 2011

not quite tumbleweed...

But I think I've already smiled at, messaged all the women near here. I wonder if its cause I don't have a job, I'm sure someone will come along, then someone else and the whole experience will make me choose to be alone. At least that way no one else gets hurt, just me. Friggin social worker is infringing on my existance again. Being cornered into meeting her at the nursery, on a more postitive note the Chinese food delivery people messed up our order and I have everything originaly ordered to snack on over the next few days. Prawn crackers, noodles, beef in black bean and most important, satay sauce. Gotta take the smooth with the rough. At least not hitting it of too well with bloke from the internet #1 means I dont have to face that fucking wall of still being in love with someone I haven't seen or spoken to in years. Am hoping for a bit of help with that one, nothing thats to hard work of course. Might be in a place where easy comfort is long of the cards.

Got mums speakers rockin Beastie boyzzz. What sort of a politicaly conscious man says he likes Julia Roberts any way. don't you tell me to smile, stick around I'll make it worth your while.. or something of that ilk.. bless em' nothing to be achieved my taking yourself too seriously. Don't think I will losing any weight this week. My god I'm turning into my sister, soon I'll buying lambrini and pre rolled fags and slapping my kid if I'm drunk or pissed off. An exaggeration surely, its just the bedtime routine thats slipped a bit. Might come back now I have my room again because grans puter is now his. Its great, just needs a new processor. Cold chips get a bad rap. Oh and howdy, gutentag,zdravstvuj. I will do some research to say more. Gracia.

I couldn't eat Chinese food for years. Even the smell of it and my eyes would start filling up and my stomach knotting. It's always going to have some horrid associations, delivery food, 'eat bitch'. Satay though, every one is new and appreciated from its own merit, know through refrence to others, on a tongue less quick.

Cheers

he didn't try to kiss me

and gave a rubbish hug. I'm sure it all wasn't what he wanted, small child, macdonalds, smoker with a cough, helping move furniture and meeting my mother. Well I don't expect to see prospective sexual partners before midday. We talked about curroption, Fifa, he's quite attracive, side on I could easy turn him into Tupac. Who he is a big fan of. When I talked about seeing him again and maybe coming to Glasgow, he said perhaps. I'm going to look for a woman. I have been totaly able to remember lesbian sex with cringing or weeping, I should think so to with some of the partners I remember.

May 30, 2011

Ironing!?

Well he's not getting in here anyway, not until the shelves are up...

So the plan is to meet tomorrow. I will have wee man, still haven't sorted out a mobile and there is a bit of an accent barrier. Hmm complicated. More nervous about having to get up early, iron and tidy at the moment. Although it looks like I will have to take him back here. Is this wise, introducing a man to your child and taking him back to your home when you haven't met him before. Can't be any more dangerous than letting people I know see mini me. Thats maybe not a good attitude. Just cause he spun me a few lines of poetry. I really want to meet him and see how we feel, the only thing is he's come a fair way on the bus and I'm too polite to tell him to bugger off if its not working for me. And if it does work for me?! I dunno. Time to go back to Dawkins, Darwinism and dodgy conditionals.

May 29, 2011

stoner philosophy

Bring it on.
In small does of course and lots of nicotine, calories and intoxicant. Its the fear of the fear that has a shadow I shrink from like bacteria in a petrie dish of bleach. Praying there is that one percent of me that makes it through, turning the bleach to soup.
From containment to niche.
The fear that maybe they're right about the physical differneces between women and men mean different social positions is right. Different sexual apparatus, different sexual positions. I've been skimming for a mention of homosexuality. Haven't found it yet but I'm not dipping my toes in that much.
The fear that by chosing to study I'm volunteering for head rape because its not what I'm made for. I'm going against my biological needs. Thats why I'm misrable.
So the business, if what developed in that enviroment, no need for justice or voice or compensation. Darwinism as in 'shit happens get used to it'. I'm sure there are more positive interpretations than that.

But the compentsation was in the arguing. Taking them all to task and exposing them as wanting, as irrational by their own and any other reasonable perspective. Feeling like I'm right and whatever they did made no difference. At the end of the day the violence wins, of course. But the next day starts with a bit more hope when the first thing you remember is answering back, coherently and acutely.

He rang. Presumably, to tell me he got the email, I don't know I was through here and had rang off by the time I got there. I didn't call him back because I chickened out. Maybe he couldn't read the attatchement. I'm looking for written words back.

sent him a rape poem

I'm sure there are better ways to seduce someone..
It wasn't just about rape of course, it's called 'Transcending' after all. I'm not some shallow muppet that knows fuck all about the world, I want him to know that. I may not be what he's looking for but today I'm up for finding that out as soon as possible. Again the wiser thing would probably be to go with the flow, enjoy the attention, flirt some. I put my heart on my sleeve to much for that, besides interacting with people takes a lot of energy. Energy that can feel wasted if it turns out he's a wanker.

Darwin amd conditionals for next essay. Really starting to feel like its time to start making the most of this course now that literature is over. I can do this, arguing used to be the whole point of my existance. It was why I got up in the morning, thats why it go so difficult there was no one to argue with. Not about anything meaningful to me anyway.

I wonder what he'll think of it. It is technically a pretty decent poem, but thats not the point its the message thats most important. Hopefully the dark past will just make me more interesting. His so far sounds pretty idilic, which is attractive to me so why not?

Tomorrow, those shelves are going up. Maybe.. depending on health, of course.

May 27, 2011

Fever

I hate it.

I hate running out of toilet roll, I hate the roasting hot pee, I hate having to change my pants more times than the wee man. I hate the fact that I let the place get dirty, cleaning on the area around me, only the essential dishes. Actualy did a few more today. It's been so nice living without colds, I hope this isn't basicaly it for every school term forever. I hate having a hot face and a freezing everything else, I really, really detest sore throats. Those anti bacterial lozenges have made a huge differnece to my life I suspect. Simple things.

So a theoretical date, he asked if he would be staying over. I appreciated that and said no but probably next time. Oh my.

If it doesn't work, I'm going to look for a woman. If that doesn't work I'll will go back to looking for a man, romance I can handle.. I would certaintly love to take him back to the family, should cut out the racist banter, except from middle sis but she's a psycho anyway. I can admit, here any way, that I would prefer to end up with a bloke because they would get a lot less crap from the family. It's not that there arn't women that could shake the bull off just that I imagine there would be a limited choice. I can't see how they wouldn't end up battering her, and I'm not into that shite with kids about.

I could go to see him, back to wegieland, would be cool. One step at a time, how can he not have heaps of student women about him? Maybe he does.. Sex though, wow. Is that a good idea? I'm already picking girls names, bloody hormones. Its just the fever thinking....

20th Century Literature Texts and Debates

Done.

Lets just hope it makes it to Walton House on time.. Not a bad effort, not much in the way of shinning but its a hard course and I started it in a refuge, then moved, decorated during the course. The printer traumas and nasty cold over the past few days is pretty much as you would expect. He fell asleep on me a not long after we got home from posting it, a second babbling and wriggling the next snoring. Some amount of doobage. If it was a normal assessment it would be a low 2nd surely, its much better the rest. Not that I care to much about that now, I wanted to do the course even though I knew it would be a struggle and I have. I'm in the mood to start reading for pleasure again, literature course tend to stop me doing that.

Now I can focus on philosophy, of the 2nd year kind, yeah.. I can completly forgive myself from depriving wee man of socialising because it stopped us feeling like this once a flipping fortnight. I don't like being fevered, I don't like my 3 year old coughing, I hate sare joints..

Bedtime.

May 18, 2011

New meds.

15 minutes late for doctor this morning but she saw us and we have started me on a new antipsychotic. Danger of death in the side effects, great. Struggling a bit. In the morning, the evening. It's starts as a constant nagging 'this isn't good enough' feeling. Then the motivation goes. But the dishes are getting down once a day and made a phonecall. In some ways getting down can be very motivating but my appetite, my will to buy food deteriorates. Friend took wee man to nursery and to the park afterwards, massive help. Fuck this essay, Ghost Road and Women On The Edge of Time. Just the sort of issues to make me feel better, ideas lurking but expression isn't happening. Starting to address little man's over use of screen based entertainment though, 'No more computer games today.' 'Wii?' No. Gotten a bit slack but he's tantruming more so its time to bring back a better routine.

Saw showcase start talking about mind control, didn't watch much enough to remind me I'm not alone. Seeing the GP and the shrink make me need to here it more than ever. Babies, possibly of certain bloodlines traumatised so they can be controled as adults, 'mancurian candidate' type killing. I've never seen mancurian candidate, hollywoods use of real life hell and proper evil for profit and entertainment just another way of rubbing salt into wounds.

So good to hear about IMF chief in Rickers, even if he's innocent! I've getting plenty of pictures but I try not to make to many assumptions about that. The jovial rapeist, flips between small talk and orders. Christ I wish I had a little more support enough for me to take the blinkers of. I'm not a pack animal, but isolation doesn't work for me either. I wish they had been a bit more successful sometimes, in creating 'subjects' maybe then it wouldn't hurt so much.

Anyhow, the study at the moment is difficult but something will be sent of on Monday. Issues of art and ideology are in my head all the time anyway, what is the relationship between war and gender, violence and sex. At least I'm confident about one thing, good books should make you feel better not just show described the illness.

May 13, 2011

not working

I've wanted to write this essay this I first read Woman On The Edge Of Time in my midteens. Now it's due in 2 weeks I cant face it. I know I will get something together, but I can't see it doing well. I've struggled with too much with this course. It comes and goes so much, the will to study. Summer fever of course, the will be anywhere but here, inside, as usual. There's been no poems and little thought of them. Just napping, and some sighing. Happy with wee man, except for the 'they're going to take him away fear'. He said 'its a secret' a few times over the last few days when I've asked him about nursery. I get the feeling they have concerns, or rather they know the social worker does. There is one in particular who rarely smiles, she gives me horrid chills. There is always that knowledge, that if I knew something was going on, if I saw it in front of me. Talking about it would just make things worse because of the delusional disorder diagnoses. Law centre, I think its a phone call I can make.

It good it would be to be in a dingy basement club. Inhibitions desolving in the heat, darkness and beats. When I could let go and let my body do what its made for, move. It would take so little, or nothing. A lungs worth of weed or a couple swigs of beer, I could feel the pills in everyone around me and need nothing else. I've so much of what I've always wanted. When things went well I used to dream about just scraping by. The pleasure you get from something you probably can't afford. The joy of turning a space that someone else had to get away from into somewhere I want and need to be. There is a sense of self worth in just getting by that isn't their when everything is a phonecall away. Of course there is a self love in being always comfortable you can't get on benefits. I guess it was the honesty, the simplicity that I fantasied about, reality isn't quite as charming. Not that am quite at the point where turning the key is taken for granted, or the taps, lights, cooker, hot water. Just that I wish I kept everything more perfect, that the toothbrushing, inhaler taking, and food buying wasn't such a chore. And of course it would be much easier of all that shit in the past just hadn't happened.

Not rationalising the diagnosis like I was. I'm too bastard sensitive to be told by a pair of semi-educated hegenomic tools that what I am is a delusion. I can't let that into my home and try and control sonshine when he starts chucking toys at them because he doesn't know why they are ignoring his mum's pain. Dispite all the moaning the light is hitting home.

I do wish there was more people around to share it all with. But the boundries feel like oceans. My nose is stuck too firmly in the air, no one is good enough and I'm too fucked up for ok sometimes to be a good idea. That must be him now, too tired for singing.
Spoke too soon. Surely know, the lights off, he's quiet. He has no option. Sleep.
He's such a wuss, hides from the boys, but it just makes him even more attractive to some of the girls.

Ahh to eat protein or not. That philosophy vegatarian essay hasn't helped, but the free speech/pornography didn't help much either. But I am getting something from it. I know their is a moral higher ground in not eating meat unless you know where it comes from. There is always a personal higher ground in knowing that your prorities are to yourself and the little one and not ever wondering if thats right.

soo, whats the problem, Piercy, Baker. Why the book fear? Too close to home but thats an old excuse isn't valid any because I wont study if it means nothing to me. Of exposing, or giving myself away for nothing maybe. But I wouldn't be doing it is I thought academic qualifacations and letters after my name are meaningless. It's simple, Barker is clinical excellence, Piercy is art because it is dynamic and not stuck in the past that is doomed to keep repeating its self as long as no alternative is envisioned.

May 11, 2011

Wednesday

Skipped the lesbian night out to go to the beach. It meant listening to my sister bitch as usual. She started talking about going into child protection. I had to get up at this point and roll a spliff. Thankfully when i inevitably put my point of view across it all went quiet and she went to bed.

I have been thinking about making a more serious go of the studying. Only thinking though. I've stopped reading fiction at bed time again. I shouldn't beat myself up about that, it very easily leads to not being able to sleep well. No anti-psyco meds, so great to free of constant hunger or tiredness. Will probably be offered another. I think thier maybe was benefits, in terms of distancing myself from constant reminders. I was pretty much indifferent to most of the wedding crap but now the pictures are making me feel quite sick. I imagine you don't need complex PTSD or a delusional disorder to feel like that though. Fucking aristocracy. Grow a pair and sort it.

A phonecall from male again this evening. Bit of a language barrier but I like it. He does seem quite keen, but hes over there with his child free life its difficult to see how it would work. Bollox to that sort of talk though. I just hope he's a good kisser.

May 05, 2011

Mild sunburn.

Ditched the new antipsychotic, the energy to play with children on beach was much more needed for mental health. I think there might be more images of things that I've seen happening to wee man. Its hard to know if there has been any impact on th effect of other events. It was very good to get away last weekend and the fact the sun shone the whole time sometimes enough the cancel the east wind. Waves up beyond his waist the wet sand was to cold for me. The news about Bin Laden on the journey home. It's the other shoe dropping in a way. Through my cynical eyes though I see an empire that has an ideology built on superiority going into non-Western state and gunning down someone that lots of people would like to talk to. But seeing the best in the worst is a bit of a truma related sickness to me. The way he was demonised by the American authorities and press didn't help. I wondered if he was exploited by American intelligence and security services like I've been exploited. We are all just pawns at the end of the day, in systems to big for us to see. Everyone. Christ all that dusk was awful though.

Remembering some of the complications around my first time in refuge. times in the past, he got me conscious in ways that didn't happen often. I was really there, it was really happening, and I really knew it afterwards.