April 25, 2011

A strange sense of okness

But the mornings have been rough as. Apparently thats what is does for the first couple of weeks, causes tierdness. It's wierd sleeping all that time and still feeling like utter shite at half 8 in the morning. Still feeling shite at 10 and 11, gettin there by 1 2. The good stuff is low, but I'm not too considered. I don't need to go to far in an emergency. Nursery tomorrow, time to clean up a bit. There is at least a possibility of daily study with him at nursery. Once I've cleaned up a bit of course..

asked to exchange numbers, I'm wary of letting things go to slowly. Jeez I'm tired..

April 24, 2011

Happy Death Day.

You have to mark them sometimes, let the little mes, slutty mes,the angre mes all come to day table. Even if they are medicated, drunk, quiet, wont eat anything but chocolate, or nothing at all.

We got out. I wasn't sure if it would happen but we made it out to the shops, parks, a picnic and a fair bit of walking. No egg rolling, but lots of egg eating. I cooked a chicken in my messy kitchen, mashed some tatties, microwave veg and gravy we both scoffed a fair bit. Still haven't written back to virtual but will.

Happy death day,
let all that violence, mortal and otherwise, bubble up and mix with the telly and the day's needs. Buy the pink wine, smoke good canabis, write whatever needs to be said, said it if you can.

April 23, 2011

Quetiapine and Mozart

and a small spliff to get me over the years of survival instincts that tell me not to touch the pills. Another shit scary leaflet. It pretty much knocked me out the other day, we'll see how we go but I doubt I will be taking them in morning. Too much order to create as mother would say cleanliness to impose would be another. Emails between me and dark and handsome everyday, he doth make me laugh sometimes. It really should make me cring a lot than it does all that archaic language and romantic flourishing. But I seem to be getting embarressed, and blushing at it more than being repulsed, which would surely be the more natural response. He must be hiding something with it all though, Julia Roberts Pretty Woman best film, really? hmm. It's just so great to be speaking to someone who makes plans to spend all day in the library and says I'm beautiful. Nothing wrong with that, I just hope he isn't the sort that takes himself to seriously, hate that.

April 20, 2011

2nd easter egg

I gone through 1 and a half creme eggs so far. I doubt the big egg will make it through the night.

Okay so I'm not studying, I am writing which is something. I am preparing my brain for the work that is to come.. Chocolate is good brain food.
I have to go back to Izzy's promise. I will be able to talk about the diagnosis there. Maybe I will feel a bit better afterwards and not stirred up and in need of a pint/sedation/hour long hug etc..

The egg is broken.

New promising view. I also get old guys and youngish local who dont put up photo's. Frustrating, shouldn't be on if you dont have the balls to show your face!

Found energy to write back to lovely eyes..

quite a long reply. I've been chatting with Zep but he's rubbish. Very limited notion of 'flirt' think he expects me to keep telling him stuff when he doesn't give much back. Don't think so. He's from Motherwell anyway. Get the feeling he is looking for ass to take out all the frustrations from his last relationship on. Not mine.

Very handsome is writing longish interesting emails. He's a bit of a poet to even though he has a masters in business managment. Very interesting, educated thoughtful banter. He uses mock classical thous and shit sometimes which would probably make any one but me cring to point of vomiting, just makes me feel warm and fuzzy.

1 Easter egg down, should I break open number 2. It's probably going to happen.

It's not than unreasonable to exptect support from support services that doesn't make you feel worse. Every second I spend talking to people whoes job involves making judgments about me and who disagree with my self diagnoses is crippiling. It wasn't just the meds that made me tired and grumpy this afternoon. Its the effort of getting me and dude to the doctors to not be listened to. They try and maybe I would feel the same way if I was being treated for the conditions I actualy have instead of the one that is most convient for me to have. They probably still wouldn't get it.

They make me feel homeless.

new meds

Well the resiridone might make me eat more but at least I can keep my eyes open after taking it. Tried the new one today, no frisbee, no parks, just the boy pooping his pants at my computer and me asleep in front of the telly. bollox. Bastard doctors.

Reading the leaflet scares the crap out of me. I remember heart problems and seizures that arn't in my medical records and wont be taken into consideration when meds are given. I'm not sure what to do tomorrow, supposed to take 2 at night and 2 in the morning. Theres no way I'm taken 2 in daytime but I need to leave it a couple of days at least to make sure I've given them the a go. I've got an essay due on friday, bollox. Wish gp would give me a hand remembering when I need refills to! I suppose I have to show I can manage stuff like that. Don't even have the energy to write back to my lovely eyes.

April 19, 2011

Romance

It is April after all, when the sunshine warms more than the earth. Difficult questions answered 'what do you write about?' from very dark very handsome and 'what do you want to get out of the site' from adorably cute. Answered with coherence and intrigrity, hopefully and better spelling than this. Late nights early mornings from the boy are taking there toll wanted assisinated old pal for being rascist this evening. moaning about pols, espically the criminal ones. give them a break their from fucking poland for christ sake. if coming to Scotland to commit petty crime is a step up then on you go, there is always plenty of local neds to make sure they dont make that much profit.

Got new jeans today, helped by a lady who just happened to be there and saw us. A younger women held wee dude's hand crossing the road too I don't think they are all special needs. I wish I could accept it a bit more warmly though the assistance I got and we get from strangers. She found me a size 12 short length boot cut as dude explored the denim jungle. At least he wasnt particulary sticky at the point. I stood and stared like he was someone's kid Just to tight, if I'd bought the 14 I would well of broken into the easter eggs dropped of tonight. New cheap trainers and my hair drier back and might not look like quite so special needs myself.

Books tomorrow, seriously though bastard tribunal. Dvd and book I will enjoy it, wish there was ways of tiring out dude that didn't also knacker me to.

April 18, 2011

100th American Pageview

I was going to write about it but couldn't work it out, watching to much Al Jazeera, head full of the foreign policy that contradicts the rhetoric. I didn't want to think about Americans in those terms. It's at 109 now and still no Africans or Italians.

Not as sure as I used to be that if I could I would go to New York as I used to though. It feels like a lazy dream, a dream that doesn't attempt to think about other places where wierd chicks can fit in. I think if I'd of gotten anything decent from the tribunal I would of bought something in Ireland even if it's still to bloody northern. We could of had our garden, a home of our own... boo hoo

Godot - tomorrow. Seriously though, at least its started curl up with the dvd and the text for a while and I'll be almost done. Then it's vegatarianism which is a fair bit easier for me to get philosophical about than pornography. A lot fucking easier.

And a break from studys to write once these courses are done, well deserved I think.

Found the lost respirdone as well, no more picking a script from the chemist twice a week like a common drug abuser. Found it in exactly the same place when it should of been which wasn't so good, but thats drugs for you.

Can't wait to get into the book properly, the first chapter in homage to teenage stoner me and her philosophing which is of course in homage to a 6 or 7 year old would ran out of books and started looking her parents open university stuff. Which I guess in a gruding roundabout way in homage to the parents who didn't have a tv. A chance to move on from the systems on people who made all that philosophing at a young age necessary.

Hoping to make the most of the last blast of the studys though. Once I build up a bit of steam of course. The Marge Piercy, Ghost Road Essay I do want to respect the texts and the course but I have lost enthusthiasm some wot. Wonder if the is anything pleasant suprises in my inbox yet..

he sleeps..

Poor wee man needs out more a few rounds of boxing on the wii just isn't going to do it for him. Just put a good couple of hours in on match.com. It's hardwork, sent several emails and chatted to some fool who calls himself an alphamale. Cute, to but you can't be cute enough to make that excusable. Running out of blokes with nice eyes within 50 miles of where I am to contact. I can't get myself to message. I feel ridiculous but I'm having fun enough looking for something in their profiles to respond to in an email. I think there quite witty but arn't really getting me anywhere so far.. There was a bloke who mentioned in his profile that he couldn't get masculine peg bags. I mailed to say my mum made them from pillow cases and coat hangers and all he needed was a masculine pillowcase. I was trying to be cute but maybe its aspberger literalcy.. There is poet/scientist in glasgow who I had to mail, with a thumbs up smiley and an x. Sure he probably has slightly unhinged single moms much closer to home.. Beautiful profile though mentioned belgian chocolate, waterfalls, going to cinema for the food and travel in Africa. ticked an awful lot of boxes for me..

So I've had to leave the site incase he responds.
dx

sare day

Back in my urine soaked buckled office chair. I didn't pee on it, my son did several times. Cbeebies games much more involving than body functions I can understand that. Its just that this room is my bedroom, it's carpeted. It has study area and is quiet beautiful underneath all the books, scribled on paper, toys and all the other human crap. No actual poop today though.

Living room is truly spiffy, its worth the pain, even if that washing thats been out for two days gets rained on tonight, its not a big deal. Tomorrow is penny day and as supplies are very low we will be going out early. He's eaten all the apples and the dairylea, he's got megamind on now.

Wasn't in the mood to tell anyone on match.com they have lovely eyes. No reply from Zep hope my style of flirting hasnt scared him of. poof. Shame, his eyes are very involving..

Moon time

Last's night's shenanigans got me some long overdue moon bathing. Helped me think about Chapter 1 how I want to mix the sort of philosophical writing I did in my early teens with the sort of outlook that inspired it. The fantasy, otherworldy elements that was an element of the complex rationalisation of some groups that I like and maybe miss. I always liked pictures of wizards, fairies and all that sort of stuff and struggle to keep those parts of me safe from all the putrid perversion.

its the middle of the night

He fell asleep in the car and woke up after midnight just as I was slipping into proper rem sleep. Now he's watching strawberry shortcake and I'm grumpy. Do I battle with him to get him back to bed, theres no way he will stay awake until tomorrow night which would lead to a repeat performance. ug wheres my overtime cash.

Hefalump movie, fireman sam torch, back to bed for mommie x

April 15, 2011

disturbing news

So sister's lad was arrested and isn't allowed to see the girls. It's troublesome on so many levels and the chances of me being told whats actualy going on is pretty slim. I'm sure heard her saying 'don't tell her you know whats she's like about stuff like that' over Christmas. Meaning that I have made allegations about members of the family that hadn't been backed up by other members of the family. Nothing like accusations of sexual abuse to get everybodys' paranoia up. It would hardly be the first time that someone has been wrongly accused. He did make me uneasy, but everyone makes me uneasy. That same way of winding up little kids and partonising bigger ones that my dad had and makes my skin crawl to the point of turning inside out. The youngest is so excitable and the older very self conscious. The vunrablitly my family has due to the difficulties in facing up to things terrifys me. Shit could happen again and nothing would happen again until it was pretty much too late. At least I enagage with services even though they are ignorant and hegenomic because I need to know that if shit happens the kids wont disapear through the gaps. Something that reminds me of how I may appear to people sometimes, espically with the asperbergers, the ptsd, the meds, the past. I know there is issues here but I am doing everything I can to address them. Hoping of course that I'm tough enough to survice the onslaught of uneducated conservatism and patriachal ideals. How can anyone look at someone and say they weren't raped when they have looked you in the eye and said that they have. To come into someone's home when they have just flitted and count the dishes by the sink. I am the only one who really knows anything about keeping the kids safe but the delusional disorder diagnose totaly undermines that. But I need the support, I need to be working with someone to sort this shit out or I can't get out of bed. I can't get a referal to anyone else except through him, the waiting lists are huge anyway. If he had supported me I might of had a shot at that tribunal. It sucks.

April 14, 2011

beer not working

He totally thinks that the meds are going to take away the 'delusions' and they are a little bit but the delusions I suffer from are not that I was sexualy abused but that I fantasys I have that so and so wasn't invloved, or this or that 'couldn't' of happened. He did listen to me talk about possible asperbergs though. Said I wouldn't be going on nights out, I said I've only been out once and was very, very drunk. He also weighed me and told me get more excercise and eat more fruit and veg I didn't hit him.

So it not all bad...

badboy gave me his phone number in that first email but no photo and hasn't replied this I asked for one. His probably giving one to someone closer to his age. I am not crying.

The interesting ones don't wink at me it's mostly just old boys and utter utter mouses. Good news from friend but slightly considered I'm just letting things go, housework, body and debt wise. B was driving me back, the sky had colours and little dotty clouds I got that feeling of not quiet belieiving I'm here. Alive, fed, watered, and supplied in a town I don't instinctivly say no to. My own place, my own son, my own future. I reckon as long as the present goes on the less I will have to work to put space between me and the past. The dishes always get done eventuly and I'm not the only one not opening their mail.

What's the plan dj?

Post Therapy Stress Disorder

Arse.

He did smile a bit more though I appreciated that.

April 10, 2011

Place is still a mess but chatted with a neighbour.

Beautiful day again, still a bit messed up with pain to catch much but spent time with neighbour who was sitting out the back when I eventuly got round to taking bins out. She was telling me about goimg to a spiritualist, her daughter, local kids and ghosts in the building. I'm supposed to be good at that stuff but I rarely pick up on anyone. The presence of the 'not supposed to' spirit is usually to prominant. Which means I cant control it and don't know what's happening to me. Auchswitz gave me seizures, thrashing about on cold wet concrete soaking it all up eyes fixating on shiny shoes. I can't speak to the dead there is too many of them and its too comfortable, knowing how powerless they are.

would be on match.com already if had two pounds in my bank can you believe that? But at least I know now to phone up and see what I get offered rather than just paying online. I am genuinly excited about it, interaction with the opposite sex! no pressures I dont have to meet them. Still attention though, safe attention oh my...

book sudenly raising its bones is pretty exciting, extremely exciting even. So relived I can go over old notes with some structure in mind and the life the writing will take of when I get going to. I think sanity wise I need the studying but I wont be attempting to take it as seriously as I have been doing. Focus almost totally on the stuff that really speaks to me just aim to pass everything else. Courses are far to dense few people can master it all in the time given. There is not nearly enough encouragment for people to make their own way, too much authority.

Just realised I only actualy have one essay due this month, just as well as the text books have gotten a bit buried. Beckett next wahay, maybe it will get over 65%! Whatever. Their theory is so tipid I can't get into it, it's not a play about a play though it's philosophical it about life and modernism. I can forgive myself if I cant find the energy to argue that succicently enough for them.
xx talk to soon badboy24 ...
maybe

April 09, 2011

blob blog

have it!
the idea to link all my mad whore ramblings over the years. I written the first draft of the introduction and am sure about the title for know anyway. Of course I have instantly lost confidence in whole thing but can see myself plowing through to get an intial draft down using notes and seeing where it goes. It's the later drafts that will be hard and hopefully the most rewarding.
Bit of pain, lots of pain even, tearing through the rations. The high strength codine seems to be assisting the chapter headings and sending of new song was all done under the influence. Wish it came easier without artificialy lowering inhibitions.

Fuck it, think match.com might be getting my money after all, got an email from badboy24 wouldn't mind seeing what he has to say. Mad isn't it readers, intelligent young woman fighting and strugglying against violence and abuse and who does she want to talk to? Badboy24, messaging would probably be all I need anyway, then try and find Cutelibrarian37.

Profile hasn't been updated for a while...
'medicated single mother seeks motorbike owning thug to help work through issues'
'large breasted poet seeks beautiful intelligent idealistic artist to destroy through her superior understanding of exactly how fucked up things actualy are'
'romantic and loyal writer looking for nonconformist to play footsie at breakfast table and help upleash a party animal from a wall flower and treach a wounded spirit to fly again. Must be able to cook excellently, have GSOH and weapons training.'
I sense fun leaking from the future which I haven't felt in a while, not that sort of fun anyway its maybe just the codiene.

no go for song

Magma turned down my life work, bastards. Nevermind, I really need to see it somewhere so will keep trying. Beautiful day, even made it out into it for a while. Got icecreams went to park, went to morrisons for picnic, don't think I've burned of many calories.

Been wishing I had the money to give to match.com but can't really justify it went I'm wandering around in clothes I'm very literaly busting out of. Anyway I've got another dyke night coming up. The plan was to get all the bull shit out the way last time when pissed and I did a not bad job of it.

April 08, 2011

Title

didn't take dude out today even though the weather was nice, still haven't properly cleaned the kitchen either which is starting to become urgent. Too much pain and mario kart playin.

Mario Kart Wii with Wii Wheel
Until the batteries ran out.

A little help from a friend encouraged a bit of streching. Thinking about forgetting about mental health and think more about physical. I sit and smoke worrying about it when I've got neglected asthma. Not clever. Good to work some of the tension and bad fat from me. It makes me feel so vunrable, the inhalers: brown twice morning and night (essential), blue when necessary, Antidepressant, antipsychotic, vitamins, oils. And of course there is there really loud voice in my head screaming about women with infections and no pencilin, money paid to scum bags for drugs that are basicaly poison and a million other horrible things going on because people don't have access to proper medicines. I think about what I've gone through that could have been made so much better with an easily accessable med and what I went through because of easily available meds. Overdoses, and other misuses 'I used to stare at the words 'for external use only' words on labels for ages growing up, I've only recently stopped. I used to try and recognise it in different languages, it really helped my translating skills.

Beth Orton '...you can not reap what you cannot sow.'

Anyhow, sleep, please. Clean bedding and everything, even if the duvet cover did get a bit grubby when it fell of the railing onto the veranda floor. It still has that fresh air smell..
gotta phone the tribunal people for a copy of the decision. Wasn't up for accepting one from the lovely earnest clerk - had to cry in the toilet then drink Guiness. Debts. Bastard debt. could be worse..

xxxxxx

April 06, 2011

You know you are avoiding studying when football becomes interesting..

Place is pretty minky but we've been out in the spring time, so pleasant when outside it's unpleasant. Warm winds, rich sweet smells and birds giving it laldy. Big wee man running along with a big grin on his face and his curls all bouncin.

Fair bit of regret about not making more effort at the the tribunal or at least taking up more of their time. Giving bastard holiday advert and get a flash of that gotafukootathere feeling. There will be more holidays... surely..

He's happy, but he would love more, more outings, more traveling, more pals, more clothes, bigger variety of food... Even with money I would probaly be a bit slow on socialing him sometimes but he doesn't have big sisters making his life a bleak foreign film.

emailed of 'psalm' which sound definitly shoulg be called 'song' and is only called psalm after a girl I never quite got over, despite her being 80% bam. No reply yet but its only been a couple of days, someone is bound to. That will feel pretty good, so much as went into it though it would feel better if I don't have to push it to hard. long though not the usual '40 lines or under' I fucking hate that, 40 lines or under. Do you want a poem or some words arranged in '40 lines or under'???? hmm

Ouch. Brought the pill free days forward because I was sore anyway and am handling in my usual stoic manner. god damn thats the wine finished, nevermind trevor soon, remember dreams last night but forgot them again, there different, they've moved on I'm very glad.

Study area stinks, boy loves the computer, its in my room and he's a bit hit and miss with the potty training.. bless em.

Another dyke night coming up, much more sober this time........

April 04, 2011

Messy

2moro will be more outwardly productive, I'm ready for it. Need my study area back and need to stop small boy from pooping over it. He's mastered the mouse and switching the computer off and on again, not bad for a three year old. Haven't been in the mood for decorating boiled eggs or going to the park much, mother's day is often pretty tricky. They usually catch us before our first peroid, as far as I can remember that happened when I was 9 or ten, I'm 32 now so that means I am possibly a gran.

I was walking home from Oliver rehersals, commited to slashing my wrist and I saw someone I knew he said I had post natal depression. I couldn't remember anything I about it but he had a girl in his arms who was about a year old, I couldn't take me eyes of her. He said it wasn't her but she might be as well, I didn't believe him. I'm always a bit suspicous of information from people who arn't actually physically there. I think Toby was after that, named after the resteraunt that I saw from the back of the car night after night. I was older then and must have been needed for something that required me to be a bit more than a lump of dissasociated flesh. 14, maybe.

April 02, 2011


Work on Psalm, before any furthering indoctrination into Western philosophy and hegenomic artistic criticism.. like if I'm going be here I may as well make a good job of torturing myself, its better that than leave it to others because they're just not as good as it as I am..
The old title is better, psalm espically given the remit of 'scared and proface'.

Trevor Nelson's Soul Show, oh why oh why can't can't he put this show out everyday, now that would be theraputic.

Of course it might not be accepted, it has a very good chance though, so it what I do for a while right poems about ritual abuse, novels about MK Ultra subjects. Not that big a step. 2nd year literature course first, then a 3rd year English language... and of course the philosophy is going well maybe I should give it a bit more of my soul to classify like well fingered letters in a sorting office..

Anywho.. least I can relax a bit more knowing I'm not losing interest..
Who needs holidays, quality drink, medicinal herbs, or transport. Bastards, I stood on harbour corners in no tights wearing a bastard wire for those fuckers, I lost some very good some very well connected friends believing in bullshit made up kid traffiking investigations. Not that I was saying much to scary tribunal lady... sure I've seen her before somewhere... Fuckin Asperbergers i want a diagnosis.

Aaahh trev, you beautiful black baldy creature make me sing again...

maybe representation would of been a good idea, but I wasn't up for attempting to explain, espiacally no after some of the treatment by women's aid and the cardboard social worker. She'll be in the novel... defo

no comp

No shock. The police were asked repeatedly though, but nothing. So no AI, no disney land, no car, no garden.

Went for a consolation pint afterwards, 3:40 can you believe that? Looks like I have to face the debts after all. Bastards, no one is bothering about paying me back, but why would they I can't even send a strongly worded letter. Streaky can bugger of, we died It was me that took so long to notice. Most people don't plan to start having relationships in their 30s but there is nothin I can do about that now.

A little bit, every day, work on habits I don't like, figure out what I need. Got the boy's afternoon place sorted, its goin be pretty good and getting better. It was far to much to hope for, thinking I could get a bit of comp then put all the questions and answers away. Maybe the novel is getting clearer, a diluted me who gets the money. I could really enjoy writing that.

Tonight I dream in Trevor but am haunted by women. That faith in me I can only accept when it comes from a woman. He has a feminine energy I am fascinated by, but telling him as often as I did wasn't such a good idea... I get moods since the tribunal, that presece and weight on my wedding finger, it doesn't matter who as long as it right (tart) I've switched and swapped personalities too much to believe in the 'one'. On the other hand, the issues I have, had mean that realisticly there wont be many that can make me really, really happy, really, really me.

He likes his creature comforts, a bit like my dad in that respect. I'm not as keen to tidy. That same self assuredness, that makes me curl up like a pussy cat, home. A warmth I only felt in my Scottish mum on warm, well fed, well smoked days when my Scottish dad wasn't making her misrable. But they carry it all the time, centered in the flesh behind their wallets but constantly pulsing outwards.

Won't read, scared of the work.

The beach today lovely. But flinch at every brush of bodies, going stiff at every hug, hating myself for having spent too much time with beautiful people to go back. Despising and adoring myself for having the past and personality that made me stick my nose in the air and say 'no' when offered everything I have ever fancied.

Stay with me in the morning, seduce me into doing the dishes and running the child before I give in to the ghouls and love's labour lost.

blah, blah
lol