March 28, 2011

The Moon Is Always Female

Still Hear

take is easy
It's not like I have a choice in the matter and
don't call me 'easy'.
Why did you look so scared when we
hugged goodbye? Did you think
I was asking you to stay. Or
did you think I would
kill when I looked
up into those stormy eyes
with my head on your chest.
Did I remind you how vunrable
I was when they turned you into a tool.

For all that
its the Arab Spring like we talked
about its time to come home.
I can say 'MK Ultra' without getting woozey
and Alice in Wonderland is entertaining and enjoyable.
Take
the kids if you like I'd like another new one to.
Thank
the meds and the nervous
system that brought us back to me
still breathing depression soup
with the ghost knives twisting in my uterus that give the old withdrawl pain when I recognise
my needs and wants.
I saw Andrew and he sends his love eyes
still down but not like before his furrows
soften in pixelation instead
of sharpened.

March 18, 2011

GP

Seems to be a correlation, its an obvious one would be matter of fact in my teens but in my socialy desperate thirties is trickier. Health care professionals, support workers make me feel degraded. I hate that, your supposed to me supporting me I get fuck all done afterwards. I just want, to drink, cry I'm not saying it's all their fault, but blaming me for it 100% doesn't work either.

No fly zone, I am going to regret even mentioning it here. I did soon after, western intervention and all that. New world, the whole East/West thing doesn't cut it like it used to. It's nice to to hate everything thats being said my an American though, even if it is only for a while.

Good paid for my me shrink, you piss me off you make me want to get pissed, fuck, hand my body to the night in the hope that next time I won't wake up again.. I find someone else. It's not an easy way out or denial its realism. Life's to short to want to waste it, If I feel like that then there is obviously something wrong and the first thing to do (being so bastard sensitive and all) is to limit as much as possible the situations that make me wish I stank of cheap perfume and shaved more often. At least I'd have human contact....

Its all bullshit though isn't it. You give us oil we give you guns to keep down your people. You pretend we know better and we give you the drugs to take you beyond survial.

I really hope I manage to make a good job of this Piercy essay.

For god sake girl, so your room needs tidyin and you had a difficult past.. big deal. I love my flat..

'Have you thought about what your going to do if your not successful?'

Well, I though I might curl up and die because we can't go to Disneyland Paris. Jumping of the veranda cause I will have to make arrangment with my debtors. Split my wrists rather than get a job.

I just want to look smart and talk about this shit again, it doesn't work when your a bit scruffy and in need of a hair cut. Wander back to Izzy's promise I guess. Just keep tappin away..

Damn it crisps are all done.. send reinforcements now

They wont even let me dream.

I have no Simon and Garfunkle on my puter.. send reinforcements.

'Homeward bound, I wish I was'



love you Justine
(today...)

March 16, 2011

research

Just been doing some research into donor insemination, options up here seem a bit thin on the ground. London it is then. Him running about in the parks and museums in spring, more poems being printed. Marvelous.

March 15, 2011

let it rain

Fuck it.

Went for the 3 for a tenner deal at shoppe. There is a Rioja in there I'm looking forward to. The black is sweet and a bit weak but thats better than too strong.
Goddam essays.
Surely this one can get above 60 something. I've even used the course material in my argument because thats what lit crit is about isn't it, not about showing your own interpretation just your reaction to other peoples. Even if most of them are tools.

Saw the Scrubs episode with the muppets in it. Surely a pinnacle moment in 21st Century popular culture regardless of what happens next.

Sky news have put horrid distorted nightmare string noises on footage from Japan. I mean really, is that necessary?
xxxxxxxxx

March 14, 2011

Lazy Day

not riskin those fivers again, cheap change for bus into town tomorrow without wee dude. Tenner left on my markies card, stuff for the cupboard, wine, crisps and chocolate... hmm tricky decision. Well have to make more effort with budgeting.. next month.

Tomorrow I am mostly letting the impact of Japan start to break and mouring another Neo. It wasn't thr best of New Years, I was knackered from flitting and breast feeding, overweight and was bullyied by my nephew and his friend, then I bumped into Neo and his fiance. One last kiss to make sure I was going nowhere. awful.

when wee dude heard the 'allyally o' song at the end of Kate Nasby I was lurky about in the refuge kitchen. He came through and sang it to me.

Keep thinking pink, rose quartz, pink candles, pink light. Rosa.

x

a little help from my friends

Pretty grateful to my friend for paying the debt over the dodgy fivers, the men in the shop gave me a calander with bonny pictures of Scotland. Its not getting away with murder but its something and brightens up our bare kitchen. Struggled a bit this evening though, twice in three days I've spent hours in someone's company and my skin was crawling whenever we touched. Could be because he wanted to have sex, I wish he would ask so I could say no. I won't, I can't.

Started a poem last night about Japan, dreams, Tsunamis and the feeling of having seen all the news footage before. Everyone has surely, things that big have shadows that are ahead of them as well as behind. There something about the digitalisation and satellites, like I look at the stars and see whats going to happen reflected in their light. I remember talking H about them when they seemed constant, walking sky scrapers, water rising up bedroom windows (but who hasn't had that one) black water, mile after mile of debri packed mud, all those images of normal life smashed. That bloody levy.

Watching it is having so little effect on me, I just remember the nightmares. I can't sleep over Libya but whats happening in Japan feels too otherworldly. There something about premonitions, or whatever they were that is totaly self obsessed. I don't see the couple staring at the windows with curtains still attached and a frame attached to nothing. I see me, me wondering in a symbolic wasteland, a survivor, the shock, the splintered remnants of Western civilisation, no, it isn't it's a Japanese couple whoes who have lost their town and most of the poeple they now. Of course I do believe dreams like that are about dispersing the misery, the truama into bite sized chunks.

My dreams are much more formal these days. Probably to do with the upcoming tribunal, arguing with fucked up faces from the past. I'm working through senarious, like I'm strugglying to find the right symbols. Airports, escalators,stalls selling shiny things, lots of that sort of stuff. Been going on too long to read much into, self explanatory.

Have found a way of making the shadow of this one a bit more managable. Nothing new!
wish us luckx

March 12, 2011

snow

They were scrunching up notes when we got in. They didn't look very happy about it, something about the individual quirks in the way they crumpeled the notes. Something under the surface in the way they rubbed the paper between their hands and teased out the edges that was traumatic but bonded them to each other. Bob placed 50s between his palms and rubbed furiosly. David idlly tore edges and stoked 20s with his finger and thumb. Clive rubbed, scrunched and tore until the paper was ragged and thin. I picked a fresh one of the table. It look okay but as soon I touched it there was obvoiusly something wrong, the quality of the paper was wrong. When I looked closer the lettering and designs were at a slight angle.

After a while it was often down to me to attempt to break the 50s. It usualy wasn't a problem, I was 17 and if I made my eyes big and smiled a bit lots of problems dissolved. As far as I can remember I have never been comfortable with that, before or after. Back then for a while it was fantastic. I was unfazed and bought fags, skins and cake with dodgy fifties in supermarkets, local shoppes, gargages, handed them to bouncers, barmen, my mother and usualy only had problems if I wasn't on my own.

Dodgy fivers reminded me of this. Skills not what they were, haven't abondoned me completly got to keep my shopping but have to pay tomorrow. Might have been more down to wee man's tantrum than my bambi eyes though...

March 10, 2011

2 windy to play

If the tribunal doesn't work out to good its going to be a nightmare getting out of these bad habits.. I want to be alone so much, he's taking it well though, only pulled the lace out one of my boots and poured apple juice in his rice, could be a lot worse. Still pushing the literature essay, short blasts got clean desk before I can really get any further so I'm here instead.

Good to hear France is no longer recognising Gaddaffi. Looks like he's trying to fuck things up as much as he can before he leaves. 'Satanic' abuse on the news, and in the courts again, isolated of course... still though. Even if it is ridiculous to connect such practices with a few charges, representing years thats not how it generally works.

Can't stop eating, better change pills. Used my Chambers dictionry as a step last night, if I going to eat my own weight then I should make some attempt at moving around..

March 09, 2011



The Du Maurier/Ginsberg popular culture essay stops and starts. Must end up above the grades I've getting so far. Not getting involved with the theory enough because its too theoritical. As for the John Stuart Milne essay I haven't even read the texts yet but 2nd year philosophy is a different kettle of fish to 3rd year lit. More work on war poem, which is now 'psalm for the deer' getting proud of it again. Keep not buying printer ink, which is stupid because I need it but it isnt edible.

Plans for the evening, to kill time untill its time for Trevor Nelson's bath time soul show, why is it only on for an hour, cruel, cruel.

I wonder if its natural to expect more for me at a time like now. So many tightropes and eggshells for so long its impossible to just burst into the truth. Wish the Gaddafis were out, properly out, as hard as that is to imagine. Seeing them on trial as felt as realistic as making it through winter without comfort eating or monarchies abdicating but nothing is as impossible as it used to be sonshine.

I heard these tracks in labour and after he was born in the maternity unit. I been wanting to write about how tunes frame my life, tried to write about 'Karma Police' in Palermo but I'm no where that yet. Everything I write reads like something written by a little girl, thats not how I felt at the time.

Hope the dude is ok with the lack of socialising he's getting at the moment, part of the reason for dumping him at day care when he wsa younger was to try and make up for all the time the writing, thinking, healing takes. There is a big world beyond your mommy which is just as well because she's a bit quiet sometimes. When the autocracy states crumbling words like 'home' start becoming meaningful, more than meaningful.

March 08, 2011

News

It's a relief to start forgetting to watch the news all the time, to get away from that tension. Depressing to though when it shouldn't be, momentum waxes and wains but the movement is still forward even women are still being shouted down.

No fly zone? Murky shit empiricism, conveniently so sometimes. As soon as somewhere is stripped or in carnage they're granted autonomy. America's position looks a bit interesting. It's America, the place you run away to, the place you dream about, the people you emulate when you think your not good enough. If things at home are changing though there is more reasons to stay home and fight, struggle for something that isnt owned by disney and made by starving kids.

It's a matter of time, not something people generally said a month or so ago. I get paranoid that if I don't think positivly all the time it will effect people over there..

March 07, 2011

rembering the word 'delusional'

Doing a bit of general research on the new med risperidone, very general. My brain has enough conspiracy theories and reality backed paranoias to ever spend much time messin about on the web. Quite impressed with myself for eventulay going for it, I even have one of those pill boxes with a space for each day of the week but I'm drawing the line at the ones with spaces for morn,noon, and night though. I have a lifestyle that makes medications a real option. I have enough stability to make me confident I play the active roll thats essential if any kind of treament is going to have positive effects. They are not mind readers, they have no idea what its like to be me. Enough health care professional over the years have admited very openly how much individuals and systems have failed me for me to have some sort of trust. They are not all organised against me, but a couple of them were involved in abuse and it would be delusional of me to think otherwise.

Another delusion lifted is the belief that I can take wee man to the morning nursing slot a mile away in the morning and function in the afternoon..

Wish I started taking it before commiting to the philosophy course along with the literature... wing it, its about fun not tieing myself to an academic stretcher and cranking the wheels.

Sleep good last night for the first time in ages, except when dude came through covered in poop. I think little things like taking the bins out first thing might make a big differnece to sleeping at night. A more reasonable proposition than walking 4 miles before noon..

Memories have been a bit Sam and Morag based. How I used to go to school and would watch her thinking she was so perfect and so sexually unavaiable when and Mo were strangling me as they raped. I keep seeing people just sitting next to my bed looking at me in that realy deep hate look that the accesories and oppurtunists often had. I cant tell what else was going but there doesn't seem to me any movement going on, absolutly no idea of what if anything I was feeling.

March 03, 2011

Broadband

I'm not sure I've ever felt this at home before. If I did I'm sure I wouldn't remember and besides I would know it wasn't pernament. The state of mind, the material conditions the social oppurtunites, all changing all the time. Not so much as up and down as exploding or imploding. The meds are probably helping, working on the delusion that most of it never happened. I had to cling to it very tightly then it was a crutch. Now its not needed, I have a place, a place that's as unconventional, akward, pretty and intimating as me. Recently I've been told 'I love you' 10-20 times a day. He can forgive me for being grumpy sometimes, so can I. Drugs can be good. But I'm no where near trying out the coil for the pain yet. a coil to help discomfort, does it leak morphine? My star crossed mind gives me afterpains at the very thought.

My god I over commit myself sometimes, acting like I have to live in a way that pleases the social worker, this or that doctor or an estraged friend. At the same time I have to fighting for 'the' cause, shinning a light of pure justice on the horror at the heart of western civilisation and it's 'progressive' institutions.

Or I could go for a walk over the bridge I always thought was cool and make some cakes with my mum's free range eggs and notice that its not happening anymore.

Bollox look at this place its lovely, so lovely the said Spitting Image puppet of a social spotted the asperburgers as soon as she walked in. I can never sleep at this time of year anyway, even without the Arab Spring and the upcoming tribunal.

I'm loving this broadband, I feel connected therefor I no longer need to watch al jeezera like the world is about end. There will be more revolutions tomorrow. Go to bed, write essays, TALK TO YOUR CHILD..
Another wonder of prescribed meds less obsessing about debt, fuck them. Need to use ma wee weights soon though, really, very soon...

Did I mention my brain muscle is feeling better??

I've got an essay that almost finished and isn't due for over a fornight. I've decided just to wing the philosophy. Started a new poem last night, called 'New Poem' I think it's promising and a step forward. Not much happening with Novel.. Where do I start, what can go in the middle and how the fuck would I end it. It's the thought of writing the ending that keeps bringing it back to mind. There couldn't be an ending in non fiction, just a repreat of what came before - not helpful.

Merry spring x