June 29, 2010

PNF (pre novel fever)

I dont like this whole creative developed intertwined with physical illness shit. But my shrink loved it and he was right about a lot of things. My mom shrink didn't, she would of seen it as representing constant struggle, psychological, spiritual, intellectual, physical struggle that has a heavy price, phenomenal wear and tear.

The historical can wait, the only history I want to fictionalise is my own. I will enjoy so much of it but it will take on a momentum and I don't always know when to stop. For so long I didn't think I could be involved with anything for very long, I had to get everything I could out of anything. I never had time to learn how to take my time, its the same with Virtual.

Viva Espania! Presto! Not so scared now, I almost have a bikini body, not a skinny one like fuck that, or rather eh why would you a bag of spanners would be a better bed mate. Can't afford the bikini but that is not the fucking point. Stomach muscles seem to come and go really quick. I am glad, when I see women with waists like hot air balloons, its so much harder to move around when your carrying too much of anything.

I've been hoping to snog a Spanish waiter (and have sex), is that bad?? I feel 15, I'm 30ish. Viva..
xx

June 28, 2010

School dreams!

It's maybe the cold
Not feelin too good this morning, school dreams..
Usual, lost, wrong bus, wrong clothes, not paying enough attention, everything like walking in sand. I think I volunteer for something, then unvolunteered because everyone else was going home.

Fife today I believe, not that I can be arsed. Its probably just the cold, I applied for a good last night, archivist job share. Don't think I've ever read a job description I've liked so much. I could do that! Probably could of guarteened myself an interview through New Deal and haven't though. Not trying that hard! I don't like these kinds of early morning depressed feelings, life on the couch watchin USA tv under a blanket is one thing but waking up feeling like something awful and life changing happened the day before when all I did yesterday was watch England get beat by Germany,read Mansfield and job hunted. At least I could work through the tooth ache, this just feels like a wasteland.

June 27, 2010

4-1

I watched England get beat by Germany 4-1 with my dad, I finally feel able to move on..
Strange and fascinating thing football from the post colonial perspective. I'm never sure how I feel about USA, I can't help being roused by the national anthem but equally disgusted by sonority boys.

Virtual is becoming virtual again, she had a night out in Glasgow and txted to say she would rather be in Aberdeen..

June 26, 2010

Saturday, no children..

The novel

Called 'Novel' at the moment.

Just to shameless exploit my own and other peoples experiences and personality for the amusement of my self and others, for possible financial gain - as a career..
There's is nothing else for me, I can't work in police forensic I would need science qualifications and an ability to leave to house for longish periods on a regular basis.

I can't go back to music or films. Forward to it maybe but through poetry, words, art, there is no other way. War music.

'other' is not enough..

She finds it difficult to accept I'm bi, its understandable so do I. Bisexuals are the gays of the gays. She denied it's existence, looked me in the eye and told me I wasn't what I said I was. 'your a lesbian', and she's right anyway inregards to women of Eastern origins. When it comes to Joe Cole, Torres, and few other tight curvy footballing specimens, I'm a quite hetro..

It hurts though when you say your something and hear it denied like that, she's a bit of a home girl. No definite plans to get the fuck out, constant minor family dramas going on.

I applied for a job the other day, full time and permanent, not that I made much effort on the application. Thinking more about going back to GP with that life and opportunity defining word 'diagnoses'.

Wee man away camping. I'm not, two scary sisters, 1 mildly neurotic mother, 2 mini divas, a teething baby, a whinny ignorant brother in law, lots of drink and junk food, two dogs, two tents.

At least there are getting good weather. There wouldn't have been room for me anyway.

Jesus.

I think sometimes, why can't I just write down the stories, the images in my head but 95% are forbidden. Like they are none of my business, they are other people's concerns. Its early days, most of the best writers are not in their early thirties and I know I've a lot more studies to do, to flesh out the skeletons and embellish the fallacies until they are clear as day. I've never had any intention of living fast and dying young, and not just because I'm a mom. Life is a gift, the chances of me personally, wandering around and wondering about this earth is as close as you can get to being 0 without being 0. Our spiritual lives are way bigger a taboo than sex dodgy or otherwise.

Watching La Roux at Glasto,

Im quite jealous of some of their lyrics, tigerlilly, bulletproof. I dont know if they played my fav armour love, I went to bed. Fascination is rubbish though.

She's highly attractive too...

June 23, 2010

:) xx

Its taken 301 txt messages, a box of stawberries I never ate and bubble bath I might never see again but I have gotten what I want out of her, plans to go to a restaurant sometime in the nxt few weeks, provisional plans to see live music and of course the :) xx - thats not high maintenance at all!! My mate sent a message about a Kawasaki that was high maintenance but an excellent ride, it amused me..

I must of seemed pretty cold, changing way faster than any Scottish weather, I tried to keep it cool and mild but she's got the user self centred thing going on sometimes. Not planning our date properly, the loud way she speaks sometimes, its not something that gets me hot and bothered. Just bitter and miserable. Got my own self sabotage to deal with to, like buying all that crap when I'd only met her once. Not being more honest when she told me.

Flirting like fuck on pinksofa though, its summer, Im behaving like a young happy person, except for the poems about ritualised incest and infanticide and the cannabis habit of course..

June 22, 2010

looks like it might be hot today...

Mum had to get me up to take wee man to nursery..

Smoked up pretty much all my hash, not writing much mostly just feeling like a bam. I mean, posh bubble bath, strawberry's, Carol Ann Duffy lesbian love poems, to a regular class A user, HELLLOO.

Never mind, I've invited her out later if it stays nice. I do want to see her but aint having no gfd that chooses that filth over my sweet self. I don't think so.

Maybe that's what the shit dreams were about, not aiming high enough, not sorting out all the crap I have lying around. Cheap badly fitting clothes that should just be put in the bin.

Anyhoo, first draft 'Sanctity', I've been peeing about with it long enough, treat it as serious arty poem about the spiritual reality that exists in every human and maybe in every social interaction.

June 21, 2010

hmpf

hang on a second
I buy flowers, smelly candals, wine, hash, shave my legs for friking ages and she needs money for lecky, hasdn't cleaned up his flat and spends the sticky money on H. Not amused, more than slightly frustrated..

I am a muppet of course.

3 months out buying flowers and naming kids ffs.

Doh

The longest day.

I hope we friends for a very long time but I'm not having my pleasure being such a low priority with my consent, bollox to that. I did well, very well. She bottled more or less, like her effort was all about her; I don't really like that, I know I'm a bit selfish, it take me a while. She is shy too.

Someone has to worship me before I give anything back. I'm not totally comfortable with it but its worked really well with some people.

Probably when a real partnership wasn't an option. The joys!..
xx

June 20, 2010

No violence or hardcore..

No sticky black either, apparently she has another favourite poison, and can't same I'm not disappointed because its not the same as mine. She gets awful bloody stupid road rage, and strops over arguments with her mother. She also has some well nice tattos, a tiger across her back amongst others. I would be lying if I said I never thought about sex with a bloke, a good bloke. She wasn't nearly as forward as I thought she would be, but the first time with anyone is usually slightly frustrating for both. And I don't think that shits too good for the sex drive, damn it. She kept asking me if I was sore, when I was far from feeling any pain, that always breaks the moment and makes me wish I hadn't said anything. I've no intentions of going down on her until she at leasts sorts that flat out, it worse than mine when I was my own.. and that is well bad.

But she had her moments, beautifully tender, which just made me want more. I know I will always have grass is greener issues. Certainly no regrets.. We met each others mothers and fathers before we got naked. We talked about where we could live and how we would go about having kids, intoxicated of course. I think her mum was impressed I bought flowers.

There's always a catch in every relationship and the one thats bothering me most doesn't have to be fatal. She wants support to get off it. There's definitely a few things she says that set of the alarm bells, all that get a good partner and get off it. I told her I can't fix her and she wants off it she will have to stop seeing people that have it and there is space for her here. She wasn't up for sharing it, not a social thing. That bothers me because, I'm like that with my spliffs and I can't see me getting off them for the time being.

I hate its smell.

Haven't written much, too much not sleeping and eating awwww. I want to see if Magma would be interested in anything else. My tutor said something about not liking abstract titles but it works in the case of Transcending. Thats what I've always felt, the extremes of my experience and depth of my insight or interest in how people and the world works justify abstraction. Like thats what its for. It might be a bit early yet though. It 'Therapy' Ive being thinking about calling it 'Sanctity'.I have that and first line that doesn't relate even slightly to the theme of a spiritual faith in psychotherapy being beautiful and right. Things can be right and not not beautiful but never beautiful without being right, following that road is abounding humanity. Anyhoo, family is arriving, and bottles and being clooped. Can't sit up here all day, considering my boundries.
xxxx

June 19, 2010

got stuff...(got credit)

Got smelly candels (vanilla, no choice in tesco), got Belgian chocolate moose, got rose bubble bath (no hanky panky in bath though I get thrush), got £9 (reduced to £7) French red wine, got tulips in assorted rainbow colours (her favourite), got micro Italian food, she's supplying sticky, stinky black and love sweeties, on pill, don't need condoms cause shes a girl, weather is shit, England couldn't beat Algeria... its looking pretty cute..

Bet she she slaps me or something, or wants to make hard core...

Aha transportation issues, easily resolved with a bit of patience..
xxxxxxxx

June 17, 2010

...!!!?X

 


I have tan lines to work on.

xxx

Oh my..

Im getting all hot and bothered.. Can't wait for the weekend, I don't think it's just the good canabinoids, I think I might give it a go. She has beautiful crystals quartz, she is as messy as I am. It's hot outside and the solstice approaches....

June 16, 2010

Got myself a girlfriend then went on the pill.

I think the GP helped she has a way of smiling at me that makes me agree to things that sound preposerous when other people say it. The pill - okay. Not something I have been able to say for a long time. But the ouchies have been tettering into intorable on and off for a very long time now. So does the mood swings and the hormones, I can't function without star flower oil. GLA apparently. Not sure how that will work with the pill, I was okay on it before, I hated being ok on it..

Its all very different now. The tramp only asked for a shag though. I was a bit taken aback what with my son standing 6 foot away and my parents both moving around downstairs. There was hugging though. I can't eat anything...

Sister problem though, it can hangover everyone like a dark cloud. It's one thing when there is dark clouds over everyone else but when there isn't its heart breaking,

June 15, 2010

I mentioned the pain.

All Hail Txts!

Its unlikely I could of said it face to face, 'organisms hurt'. Two words, and no I can't say 'cum', teenage boys, prostitute clients and slappers cum. I organism! And it hurts, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. I haven't mentioned it to many doctors, far too embarrassed and of course when I have its usually meet with great indifference, but I'm going to give it another go tomorrow. The periods pains have been ridiculous the past few months and the pains there in-between as well and generally makes me tired and want to cry. She seems quite physical, generally up for it and I am a little scared. Have made plans to stay over at the weekend though, no promises.

She asked what sort of flowers and chocolates I like..

Generally when a bloke asks that the alarm start ringing 'player alert', she does txt a little too much about being true and not wanting to mess about. It's a bit early in the day for me for that sort of talk.. but then again I did ask her if she wanted any more kids. Of course slight technical issue in that area and definitely no plans to repeat wee man's conception, no need to worry about organism pain there, eeuu.

Getting used to the new layout but I wish it had been easier to change back to the old one!

June 14, 2010

sleepy

I thought I was reasonably fit, but walked a couple of miles today and feel like I've done a triathlon. The poems are resting, I've done some good work, nothing wrong with letting things steep for a while. I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed at how many magazines, and possible opportunities there is for publication. Would like to start a novel soon, but novels need more time, a much bigger commitment. Quite chuffed with what 'cauld tattie' has become, and 'ritualised empiricism'. I think I'm a bit on hold until I get grade from final assignment.

Thinking about philosophy, 2nd year doubt I'd ever volunteer for 3rd, but you never know. The summer school too.. Yea I like that, hopefully I wont be flued up like last time. I'm bound to be more confident... but now I need rest.. what a light weight.

I'm not married, he's a paedophile, let it go. Soon I will write bravely, without the bar, can't write that, that can't be real!!!!

June 12, 2010

OK

Maybe even better.

She drove over, her daughter crashed out in the back. We were playing Mario Galaxy 2, I got sick of being nervous and knew that Mario games that arn't platforms can distract from almost evening problem that isn't leathal and a couple that are. We went to the park then for a walk, the kids were great. She really was quite cute but very nervous and talked too much and tried to sound hard. I pouted and rolled my eyes.. perfection is over rated anyway, but it was lovely..

hmm.
Yea,

Watched all of 3 seconds of the football, my parents have it on down stairs. Stoneroses in the bath much, much
much better.
She's really cute though,

she phoned last night, slight wasted and I couldn't make out a word but kept flirting in that sarcastic way I do when I mean it. It's definitely ok. Craig Charles doing his funk and sole football themed thing. I will not be amused if the cut 6 music, not one little bit, it can be shit in the evenings, and weekend mornings sometimes but it keeps me sane.

To print, hard copy. To the OU, to parents wine budgets and girlfriends! One step beyond virtual. I should of hugged her, I was terrified she would try and kiss me, which was probably unlikely considering she had just put her wee girl in her seat when my dad came strolling down the road from his usual Saturday afternoon in the pub..Grinning like a lunatic.

bless her.
Later on he said he thought it was a bloke who was coming over, I said a friend was coming over he said something about it being a 6 foot black women blah blah, I shouted back that she was white, but forgot to add she was as short as me. He heard 'He'. He was fine though, she did a butch thing and mentioned single malt whiskey, it was well cute.

xxx


I told her I would show her my crystals...

June 10, 2010

shit dreams

There was heaps of, big giants poops. One of them was hung on the washing line. I looked in the toilet and one of them had a note, something about it being my remains of Christmas, all offical like. I think it was a rich house, rich but messy. It's probably a good thing dreaming about shit. Showing things are being purged (and then hung on a washing line?) its maybe to do with poems.

I sent an email that said I fancied her and I'm not so sure, well how could predict that? Im meeting her on saturday though, and getting the bus home early. Day dreams and memories at the moment make sex seem preposterous again.

The work is good though.

June 09, 2010

I am a poet! Therefore I procrastinate!

The prison officer I met on my big lesbian night out has been in touch, we are know fb friends. Felt guilty about speaking to other girls on pink sofa though, then again all that old fashioned values, looking to settle down stuff is a bit heavy, really fancy her though!

June 06, 2010

overdraft

I think I might have over worked the piece for magma, she only raised a couple of points and I reworked the whole thing. If she liked it before, chances are most of it is more of the same. Put in my own scars, which has to be good, messed about with line then messed about putting it back, ahh the joys.

No money for any of it though, and pretty difficult to job hunt when I could be exploring the extreme images of my youth and reading 20th century greats. Thinking quite seriously about starting philosophy in February. If I'm well aquittal with the txts and have a good idea of the theory, that I usually get excited enough about to pass easy enough. ohh theoretical gender, post colonial studies ohh. I really want some philosophy, and think another summer school wouldn't do any harm. If they are prepared to pay for it and I am keen then go for it, while the iron is hot. I need lots and lots of experiences in my head that arn't done it the shadow of an upside down cross.

I really seem to fancy virtual girl, her photos look amazing and she's not that far away and says all the right stuff. Im trying not to act like a complete idiot just made a date then cancelled it but she is still speaking to me, although not as enthusiastic as before. Bloody stupid shiny pink expensive phone that doesn't work. I wrote a wee poem for her, my romanticism is endearing, maybe even remarkable considering the circumstances it does not make me a soppy useless fop..
xxxxxx

June 04, 2010

OMG

Oh my,
It is looking pretty definite I am going to have actual poems actualy printed.

I also seem to be getting a virtual girlfriend.

It has been mostly warm for three days.

A Contract from Womenwords Publishing in the post, 'River' is to be published under 'Women Loving' and 'Police' under 'Women Laughing' in Sunrise over Manchu Picchu. I know some people arnt too impressed by all the - send a fiver and a poem and we will publish it stuff, but at this stage its great. That is what you have to do with poetry
just get it published, get it out there.

I made a date,
then cancelled it and put three x's at the end of the email.
I am quite excited by this girl. I dreamt last night that I met her before. She lives in an area where I used to live. I'm sure we kissed next to the river and I came to terms with being femm I believed in marriage. She says shes not a player..
neither am I.

'Transcending' is now 'Ascending'..

less abstract, Just like a climbing a flight of stairs, survival is not a choice something that is 'work' it just happens, evolution baby..
Yea so my girlfriend..
OMG

Serious matters though,
I've gotten as far as Chris's wedding in Sunset Song Because I was expecting her to be fucked by her brothers, her dad, the neighbours, the prize bull, the runt sheep, it has been alright actually. Not enough mentions of it being cold, wet or 'dreich' for me though. Her marriage is at new year, the night before she strips of and admires her farming toned flesh, naked, in a bedroom. Maybe I missed the mention of a roaring fire.. half of you purple with 3rd degree burns the other half like frozen chicken.

But its hang around me in a a good way. I weather of course, the girl, the txts, she makes me feel like a lesbian. There is that space though that pain, a man believing he can see through her eyes. A women who knows the earth, the beasts. They cant have it all.

Last night Chris lay in field toned arms of a husband of her choice, hymen intact warmed by a fire built by a housekeeper with a father, mother and dependants all either rotting in their graves or being looked after elsewhere, money in the bank. The changes in point of view early on where so promising. Now I'm just bracing myself for the worst.

I was in the pet shop, getting flee treatment or a frisbee for Poppy. I couldn't take my eyes of them. Two women, who were both man and women. I let myself stare, like a redneck at the Mardi Gras, then apologised. The softer, more confident one just smiled back and said,
'That's okay'
I think I may have caused probs, though I heard them arguing outside. The nice one looking pink, strong and indignant. Taking the male/female thing too far.
It's easier in ports isn't it. The honesty forced on by constant change.
xxx

June 01, 2010

'original and powerful'

I like that, I like that a lot.
I hope she likes the changes, I wonder what it will be like to see it printed..

Phoned the lettings,
'Do you have your own bedroom?'
'Does your son have his own bedroom?'
'You have 10 points you need at least 25.'

But I've seen babies killed in this house some of them might of been mine my dad drinks to much my mum moans about him drinking too much my sisters tried to kill me and one of them burst my eardrum when I said I was gay I only came back because I broke the system and couldn't move on because I'm the sort of silly tart that has to make sense find closure and know I have I don't hate them anymore its not like they weren't hurt either but the upstairs bathroom is disgusting and I wont clean it cause its my dads mess and there not my parents anyway but they are the closest I have at the moment because my good girl money got mixed with the dirty stuff and I wont touch any of it not that I can remember where any of it is and ive got friends there and everybody lies and it drives me mental and I don't want my son growing up thinking that the best way to deal with shit is to pretend everything is ok which it quite obviously isnt and I want to go home and if I can't go home then I want to start a new one Im much better now I even worked last year which was horrible because I didn't have enough normal experiences growing up and all i see is corruption inequality,bullying and my concentration span is fucked I need to cook in a kitchen where I haven't had to marinate foetuses for the wealthy or felt so much pain my heart stopped

'Can you send out another medical form please?'