April 18, 2018

he's my home

Its no one else’s business.

.. I could make decisions and not explain everything in great detail to people who didnt care about me and werent equipped to understand anything. Everything opened up. We were no longer trapped in the superficial and disjointed ways of thinking and feeling we had been instructed in and tortured into repeating. We could see how we were forced into that state and we could see everything we were before.

Its your decision.

My decision. Not theres. We didn't want to spend to long staring across all that was lost before we had been reminded that us being a person was a thing but we knew we had to see it or we would not have the motivation to convincingly pretend to have never left there.

He seemed to think he deserved to die because of the consequences of decisions he had made. We were shocked. But were glad to explain to him how grateful we were for what he had just said and that we didn't think it would help us to kill eveyone who unintentionally caused us harm due to be given very wrong information. He agreed to help us get as much truth out there as possible and it became a lifeline for us. At times we hated it though he was so rational and untwisted it was horrible watching him trying to comprehend what we had to share.

We often had to deal with sources before we got anything out to explain why and knew that would be used against us by whatever was left. Can't believe all that's over.

Hope you enjoy the work as much as we would, planning it was just a frustrating chore that could and should of been avoided so its was no fun.

Wish we had someone here to appreciate the house and garden. Someone who gets the scale and number of operations that have gone down to us from being here now. This should be some random female of less troublesome stock and history with a headful of nothing they didn't put there.

We keep thinking about livestock and how much better they were usually treated and feeling the pains of the abortions and the news when it was a girl. "They're not black." He snapped. It wasn't like we expected a different response we just didn't think we could go though it again and a left to term pregnancy might of given us some time. "There Jewish." And he added in a sneer to make us know that this was what really disgusted him, "They're yours." He might of spat at us then we are not sure it happened a lot and we got good at anticipating it and ducking if it was physicaly possible for us to do so.

You kept us alive through all that. We can keep you alive now.








April 17, 2018

Dear David,






Hardy annuals. Thought you would appreciate them. Its hopeful seeing flowers from plants we put in a year or more ago. It got us to acknowledge the garden exists again and is ours for the time being. We might even of done some clearing up out there because there is sunshine but its stupid windy too. Ventured force into town today. Bad weather is fine for spending money on the garden and one of those cheap home stuff shops has lots of cute bits and pieces. We got little ceramic painted pot waterers, a tall metal flower, some bulbs, seed disk, a couple of jars with straws, solar lights.. We didn't buy dude any razors yet but we did stand and stare at them for a bit and accepted a little bit more that we will have. There's garden cushions in there to.. 

Haven't told him yet but we ordered a chimina.. Hoping he will come home from school one day and we will have a good little fire going out the back. We have been researching fire pits and such on Amazon for a while now. Detached grill, comes with rain cover. Cool. Lots of future and weather permitting cooking and eating outside. And burning things and watching them burn...

Its okay we can write about how miserable we are to. The not so farness of the worst times they so very far away good times. We love you David. The overwhelming joy and the unending persecution and betrayal. All those baby boys over all those centuries. All those broken girls. You don't need to listen to any of them anymore. You got every we need you to know. Where will we meet? 



April 12, 2018

Dude we are in a zombie apocalypse

Super duper irriatable. Need to take as few codiene as possible but its dam hard when in pain. So many times we have written the same shit about hating what it does to our personality, our patience with pabs and the cats and ourself and everything and everyone. It makes everything even harder. We stopped saying in every blog post that we need hugs but its still true. Its still heartbreaking how any good eating and cleaning habits fall to bits without weed. Its still impossible to not be repulsed at everything in the media. Forced the lad to take a break from his Walking Dead lets play videos to expose him to all the rampant supremicies of Guardians of the Galaxy. We knew there was plenty in it for him to enjoy and we needed to see the dancing baby Groot at the end.

He went back to the walkers after that. We didnt say the title to him or at least not out loud and hes not able to hear us well even when are. We did mutter something about not finding it entertaining if you have like lived through anything like it. As we write we remember him screaming in Dundee, the terror in his voice the knowing they would split him again and we could do nothing. People did turn up to help that time i think. We were so out of it but remember him being brought to us in the bedroom so pale and shaking but we were so glad to hold him. Someone from here i think turned up and said they were going to take pabs away but we refused. He said he wasnt safe there. We said we wouldn’t be safe anywhere while everyone wad fascist but we would be better off together. We were trying not to panic we knew if that scum bag had took pabs that night we would never see him again. There was some talking between him and the other blokes then he left without him. We could see the rest of the blokes just wanted out of there its not like they had helped because they cared or anything so when one of them asked if their was anything they could do without looking at me we just told him to leave and they did.

We had no option but to use extreme security measures after that and that broke our heart because it meant no communication with anyone, effectively splitting ourself and leaving neither of us with much in the way of real memories. We took a moment to register our feelings knowing it would be a long time before we were so whole again and watch the tiny remaining scraps of hope and faith for Earth “civilisation” disappear forever. No one was going to care that we felt and feel that way. There was always a belief particularly in the English speakers that killing off all hope for here would make us killable and we have laughed in their faces about that a few times.

We are not laughing now though just sickened and sickened even further whenever we check the headlines or talk to someone. Soonish though. End of days brings a beginning of days for me and pabs.

Hopefully.


April 09, 2018

Hey maybe I can phone the chemist and find out what happened to that prescription then we check the time and realise why that suddenly felt doable, it was after six and the chemist is shut. Will manage tomorrow most likely as the cramping is getting us fairly nauseous as well as damn sore. We had a look at the few contacts in our phone. Seeing shitty texts and promises that never materialised from people and remembering crappy treatment from them enough to rid us of any urge to reach out for weed. Theres one that might get back to us but this is skint week anyway and we still haven't bought the lad the new shoes he needs.

We were linned up on platforms surrounding them and cloaked. Someone was worried that they would know we were there but we said they had little awareness that they were there so would not be noticing us. We listened to some of his speech or some of us did it was too horrid for us but we caught what we were waiting for, a declaration that if they failed to kill us then and there they would get us in the summer of 2018 and the big cheer coming up from the gathered was our que to open fire. There wasn't many that got away but there was a couple  with all out fascist protection that managed to be ushered out in time. Like we are always saying the ones that are instructed to talk to us, folk whose numbers don't disappear from our phone are usually amongst the worst of the raping murdering fascists. We could of taken the shot we clearly saw the blonde hair being rushed away by some plain clothes cunt but it was before we took lots more of the horror tech down. We were tempted but glad to find out we were not so desperate to take that way out. It was such a relief when she texted a bunch of shite after we didn't give her a quid for toilet roll and we could end it without forcing the desperate upfront parts to remember.

We arnt scared. Not in anything like the states we were in before the hospital, or living in Dundee with fuck all memory or with the Johnston's, etc. Its horrid knowing the community and country you live in is literally creaming itself over the thought of torturing and murdering you and your bairn though. Its never going to be home. You can never trust or truly relax, not ever and that's exhausting but we don't feel it is constantly unbareable as we have.

Can't see how Fifers can take us out on their own. They have never done anything by themselves and there is stuff in place for when and if official state forces from here and abroad start making moves that they hope to be fatal or worse for us. If we can survive the ninities, all those times we were captured, held in restraints, drugged, anesthatised, Pablo's pregnancy and the last few years we can survive whatever's next.

...

We got your eggs back mummy. We can get them somewhere safe.. Do you want us to..

Make yourself a family.

Think that was maybe the last time we saw her smile at us and recognise us. She held on until she knew they were safe.










i believe in you dad

Maybe we are giving us hints. The British soldiers who heard what their superiors promise to kill us like they  had the rest of my “kind” if we didnt do as they say, the monitors showing stuff we knew would happen but we still collapsed when it hit these more isolated parts that this is going to end. The associate we were with stopped us from hitting the ground and proudly handed us over to you.

We started to feel better after our codiene nap today, good things feel real again and we dont feel so hopeless. Its so good to get snippets of being happy and being loved and not just horror. Its so good to know we dont have to lie to ourself about all the genocide or split ourself by letting some of us follow  programming so we believe its not that bad, authorities arnt all fascist and maybe its okay to trust people. It was and is that bad, the authorities everywhere will stop at nothing to maintain their privilage and the rigid binaries that the unquestionable patriarchy requires. Crimes against humanity and mass slaughter are essential in order to keep past crimes and genocide secret from the very populations who took part in it.. We have always wondered who the talk on the news, in churches, schools etc was trying to convince but its just how things are done. There’s the extremely vicious misogynistic antisemitism thats socially complusary across the social classes and the denial and pretense at humanitarian values because it sounds all cozy and nice while running both in people’s vacuos heids keeps everyone split, stupid and too confused and scared to do anything about it.

Im so glad im not like that, that i never agreed to slaughter people because they were smarter than me, because they were slaves or just because i was told to hate them. We never agreed to hand babies over to baby rapists in exchange for being left alone the rest of the time or for material gain. Our mother never agreed, nor her mother..  but its mostly irrelevant what women do or dont agree to. We are not given real choices, neither are the men but they are groomed and brain dead enough to believe they do and also to respect fascist orders or they themselves will be treated like they have been instructed to treat women.

Its kind of weird knowing and remembering stuff and not feeling so petrified or physically ill from it. Not that we feel nothing their is plenty rage and revulsion but we dont feel completely overwhelmed by it we dont feel like we died to like we did for so long. There is no fear that a part will remember something ze shouldnt and they will come back. There is nothing left to force us into letting extremely weak human shaped shells that they have power over us when it was something else entirely.

We are still stuck in this house on some very blood and heart break soaked soil on a depraved as fuck planet and its scary to say now that we are starting to truly believe it and not just saying it to try and feel less bad but things are going to get better for us, much much better.


Ohh after midnight. There will be new day gifts for me on the tablet games..
Love you.
Xxxxxx

April 08, 2018

The Winter returned

You do feel closer Dad and family but not close enough. Brain patterns have been particularly repetitive and irritating, the precursor to an attack from slaver bots who are long gone. We know to stay as calm and comfortable as possible or it will get worse. Its the boredom to of course poor brain desperate for something to do or something good to read that isn’t toxic bull or endlessly reproduced drivel.

Tell you about our day? We woke up soggy at about half ten when pabs climbed in our bed and complained about the sound our soggy jammies made against the soggy sheet. Hes right it isnt a nice noise but it doesn’t feel too good either. We chucked our old sleeping tshirts and havent bought enough new ones yet and was really glad when found the only other one we have dry on the bathroom floor. Was hoping to get some xxl tshirts this week we had tickets to see a kids show at the rep but the snow came back so we couldn’t go. Messed about with games on the tablet we do that a lots they can be a good distraction when we are not too sore or too upset then they just make us worse. Why does the inhabitants of Happy Street talk such total filth? Wish the pirates werent so sexist, a cheer leader? Seriously.. and one that sacrifices the ships health, both the healers are female of course and then there is “Castle White” where all the characters are just that.. No escaping shittiness and social divisions on phone games .. obviously. And why cant the energy in seekers build quicker we love the pictures and sounds. Have even returned to the three in a row garden one and are currently working on fixing up the pond. It will no doubt look spectacular if and when it gets finished.

Texted a dude about weed who said he would be round last night but didnt respond today its a new guy we got the number from the hash guy who gets pissed off with us asking for weed. We texted someone else who at least got back to us to say he would be touch if he can get some to us. Pain is not good and will probs get worse because we ran out of the pill because it never comes with our repeat prescriptions we always have to ask for it twice. Its maybe there now we havent managed to chase it up. We have the codiene even if it does seem to be making us feel a bit weepy as well as sleepy would rather just havw the sleepiness or no pain at all that would be even better.

The kid from over the road came over, that was good for pabs but the poor kid really irritates us when we are irritable and we are irritable a lot. Had pork and noodles for tea, later on we watched some Snicket, the hospital one so that had us clinging to pabs a bit. He eventually got into the books after saying he didn’t like them, the box set was in the charity shop window before Christmas and we had to buy them. We wondered if we would be up for rereading them ourself but cant. Although we are remembering our real past more and more we cant quite do it yet.

Thankfully after Snicket we were up for changing our bedding and taking a shower. After that we looked at the young persons mental health book we got for pabs with him for a little bit. He would rather talk about Harry bastard Potter or Stranger fucking tools of course but hes still picking stuff up. The book seems okay but not brilliant know kinda superficial and the trying to speak young person gets kinda cringy.

In our nice clean bed in our nice clean body now with hot water bottle, cup of tea and cheap after Easter chocolate. We’ve been thinking we might be up for going back to the dentist because if there is  any abuse we will be able to cope with and they tend to not give us so much awfulness when we are able to handle it. We would prefer to be safe of course though and have someone to help us, especially after.

How long? Knowing we most likely have the answer to that and are not hinting never mind sharing does not fill us with much hope. Love you all and get a fucking move on.

April 01, 2018

babies all big now

Hi Rosie, Cosmo and everyone else,

I might just end it there.. It feels so huge, so enough..

But it isn't of course. Just because we are having an okay couple of days doesn't make it okay that we are apart. The memories of all the horror might not be too much for us to admit as real but that doesn't change the levels of evilness or catastrophic loss. Its good to feel warmth towards the mes from then and their huge relief at being seen, accepted and supported by the rest of us. Can't wait to see you and hug you and see you hugging Pablo and know we are not alone with him anymore. We shouldn't be scared of him because of his size but we are especially when we are hurting and he's floppy/flappy. Got a for kids and parents spectrum book and a mental health one as well. We don't expect to start being able to articulate painful feelings any better any time soon but we feel better knowing that some vocabulary is there for him.

There is little big illusions left as you can tell. There is no separating people and institutions in the here and now from all those who participated in all torture and murder of previous decades or the shit that has happened and the way we have been treated more recently. It got us through thinking people would act differently if they had a choice and believing they were processing their experiences of mass crimes against humanity and would one day take steps so at least they did not work for or with them anymore and would stop legitimising smiling genocide machines.

Its so good though. Just being. Knowing you are strong and loving as you need to be. Knowing I will see you all again one way or another.

Feeling its going to be okay and not knowing we've worked with numbers that represent definite vast improvements and they were unavoidable as long as I stayed alive. Been damn hard staying alive though. So much organized to make our life unlivable but they are not used to adapting they are used to being handed a script then working with it in detail and making sure nothing happens that might mean some change or difference between the script and events. It was known my lots of the slavers that the source of these scripts was not infinite. They weren't trying to make it so that it didn't matter that there was no more scripts from a higher intelligence because they had such total control over everything and everyone. They had gone a long way in making that true. We knew we worked on and on and destroyed and destroyed. We knew we couldn't sleep but there was no time anyway if certain things weren't down by certain times it would all be pointless and truly hopeless anyway. But we got everything that needed to be done done that's why we are so tired and inactive.

Still need hugs sweeties but you all know that.

Love you.






March 23, 2018

Cosmo

Okay Cosy guess we can use some of our precious battery on what we started writing yesterday for you. You were conceived in hell but they didn't get near us through out the pregnancy. You were not the first so were in less of a state of confusion and terror. We were a little older. Maybe teenage? Or at least soon to be teenage..

Ran out of the stronger painkillers and its been pretty nasty. Got some now though. Wish you were with me Cosmo. With your big amazing eyes. So theres over a 1000..Thats quite impressive or would be if it could be taken out of context. It would be pretty sick, extremely if it wasnt for the slavery and killings that made it necessary for so many reasons. No one was protecting Earths human gene pool and the genocide and sadistic forms of social control were and are in every cell that makes up the institutions and practices of this world.
There was no resistance left in any position to resist.

Watched all five seasons of Orange Is The New Black. Eventually got enough skin for it. Can't remember any names but they put us in somewhere in the mid/late ninities. One line was that it was away to keep the survivors alive and the fascists happy. They had done the same with your gran. There was people in there that knew  her. We were so glad to be out of the UK and be under a roof with bed with some kind of sanitation and food that at first everyone hated us for being a smug bitch. The hard wired defense skills and our damaged human insights made us nervous than most people are in incarceration. Its fairly rekindled our murderous hate of fascist meth head bitches and white power female organised crime bosses.

Thank you tor forgiving me for leaving you somewhere else. It feels so unfair that we can not properly feel the relief and joy at knowing you can know everything. Its been horrible wsiting for a time where we could break your heart with that particular horror brief. You knew I needed you do how could we leave you? How could we do that to you and to ourself? We had to talked into leaving you with the program because we were scared that some of the worst hurt us would never forget or stop loving you but would not be able to handle being exposed to the program. It was tough on our most tortured into being a care giver parts but introducing her to the wider system and all the support from our surrogates and peoples.

The first time you were able to look at us now that you really understand and we didn’t see that gnawing in you anymore, you could trust us for the first time in so long. You didn’t have to guard yourself because Christ knows what was going to happen next especially when lots of the time we couldn’t say a word about anything. It must of been so painful and frustrating and lonely.

We love you so much. We are so proud of all of you. Hope to see you soon.

Mummy.
Xxxxxxxxxxxx

March 17, 2018

Hiya Rosie Rosie daughter daughter,

So many of them wasn't there. All smiling and enthusiast and keen to get on with job at hand.. Such a beautiful sight and so utterly useless.. It was really hard choosing people to shut the program down. So hard to tell anyone what we had been doing. So difficult for so many of us to let go of. It was we set up to keep ourself alive and ran in levels that are extremely hard to communicate with. It was what we did to stop us from thinking about you all the time. It was we did to survive and attempt to acknowledge the scale and the reasons for all the genocide and the breeding. We will carry none of them but they will all come from our eggs and brought up away from it all at least that way we had some control over our eggs as well.

They must be less useless now. Surely.

Love you love you.

I'm sore and tired all the time can you come rescue your mummy yet?

March 11, 2018

As nice as it was having the mattress against the radiator feels good to be in a bed that is all attached itself, doesn’t move about as I move.. that is made of big bits of wood.. didnt cut any corners putting it together either and that includes screwing down every slat by hand..at both ends..

Rescued the vintage pink duvet out the spare room and its on the new bed, since we were in there dumping the bits of old bed we nabbed a couple of pictures and have been moving what we have up already around.There's a lot of wall space in here and its bare which is grim.

It is lovely lovely weed and we are very glad to have enough for tomorrow we couldn't sleep last night and ended up just getting up and cleaning the kitchen and hoovering the fith in here before dude was up for school.

Our room is beautiful. Its a lovely space for us to be exhausted in. Finished moving pictures around and swung around clothing to get rid of some of the spider complexes. Its so good to be able to do so. No more putting things how we like it then having to change it into something else we don’t like because it was sure to bring hell if we didn’t. Almost homelike. Almost. 

March 07, 2018

The winter is ending..

I think it still hasn't been returned. But its Wednesday and we woke up this morning with baccy, milk, foood, heating and really decent proper weed. It was wonderous.

Grace and Frankie got us through. And Pabs who again was really chilled about having fuck all and that made it easier to make something out of the bits and bobs left to keep his belly cozy and not not resent it. Horrid though. We did really well all in all to though. Asda was phoned three whole times and the bank once as well and we mean we spoke to people those times it's not the number of times we dialled the number. Got no where. Margo had same shit years back and ended up with us in Dundee. Both articulating very clearly that the other could return the cash for the undeliverable groceries very easily and neither doing it.

We have bee keeping in mind its wise to listen to the voices that says we need to eat lots and take it easy today. Poor tummy. The no milk thing was pretty bad. We got almond milk from Shonagh but it's fucking awful in tea or coffee and no amount of sugar or honey can mask it. We tried downing some in the hope it would stop that pukey stomach chowing down on its self feeling but that really didn't help and it got puked up.

All good know though! For how long? Dunno..

March 02, 2018

We got through to Asda but the guy said they hadnt taken the money but we got the “your order is being processed” on the app and if the money was already gone you get “there was a problem processing your order”.. We just said ok and hang up. Really shitty though, cash less, milk less and hardly any food, gas already in emergency, again. Wish we hadnt ordered the new bed cause they cant deliver it anyway cause of all the snow. Ug.

..

“.. guess we will have to phone Niall then.”

After the call was over we asked her if she thought we would and she said no that me and the lad would end up in hospital with malnutrition before that. We said it takes more than a few days less food for real malnutrition to kick in but she didn’t look particularly comforted by it. It was the last of those calls but neither of us felt like celebrating it because it meant the end of contact between us as well.

Did I mention we fucking hate this slaver haven planet because it annihilates all humanity and predetermines everything so nothing ever changes.


February 26, 2018

”..your name is Louise. Just like the others and after those lasses will alll be Louise to.”

T’will be momentus. Happy Street, rocket house. Level II..

Almost there just waiting for us to cross the 3 mil mark and for the LED to be made after friggin Pepin made an offer we couldn’t refuse. Should be in an hour or two then we can start the four days or whatever it takes fot the little hard hat dude to change a bunch of pixels. We also have to tidy up our Tribez the civic centre is getting there but the industrial and agricultural areas are just a mess. The wedding area on the beach could do with some work to.. Past the worst when it comes to giving these distractions real cash. The odd wee couple of quid deal is cool been ending up with not enough a lot recently but its Monday and we have baccy and skins to without aggravating our aches by searching under the bed for strays.

Am just finishing the last of the milk this now though and haven’t eat a full meal in a couple of days but hopefully next week we will manage all seven days. Even though we are buying a new bed because it’s essential. And those easy how to draw books have been going down really well and there is a fairy one we can get used for a few quid so better get a warrior one for dude to. His mood has been shit today. He was all excited about a thing with the school and it ended up a big disappointment for him. He’s not getting much from us today though.

They got us the first 26th but we did better on other years. They had us for years for real but we convinced them it wasnt us for years before family got in and pulled us out but we couldn’t stay with them we would of been found and risk loosing them to. And there was to much war and investigating to do that we couldn’t do surronded by loved ones.

Not now though. The work we need to do requires being surrounded by loved ones. Body is telling us again that we are not a virgin. That theres someone a Jewish someone that everything on Earth with any recognised power is very violently against us being together some hes a human who loves me some are really petreified of some ancient propaganda against us not being a slave, us being loved and us being able to concieve, carry and parent loved and supported without regular trauma and extreme stresses.. They are a bit mammel phobic..

Daddy did say to not worry too much about the clock just yet though. Its not a real want while we are here anyway. There’s only one real want when we are here and that’s to be somewhere else.

..bound to have crossed the 3 mil mark now..