March 04, 2015

Boke

Don't know what's going on with us right now, well not specifically enough anyway. Eating has been real problem again, nausea, vomiting and headaches today.. 

We are not getting parts coming forward much just feel sore, wierd and sometimes like a little puppy cocking his head to try and see what's really there. 

Did the school run this morning but that's only because we didn't sleep at all. Waking up being in pain and feeling so weak is such a horrible way to start the day I can understand why we often want to avoid it. 

Taking a break from Skyrim and have been watching season 4 of the Sopranos which suggests a different patch of our system than recently when we couldn't watch Sopranos or play xbox. Before this we were watching lots of RT and feeling like there's is a world out there that we could engage with and plenty to still hope for. That's kinda gone though .. Can't even dream about being ourselves and safe around anyway outside of therapy.

Been picking at a BBQ chicken and wedges ready meal for hours .. Really would like to keep it.. It's wasn't exactly delicious on the way down it's not going to be any better now.. 

See what happens tomorrow I guess.. 

February 23, 2015

Middle Name

Just saying 'hi'..

Its all change here. Good and bad comes with that of course. Our sense of our self is richer, more connected and stronger, we watch Sky Arts instead of The Big Bang.

On the other hand the surfacing that accompanies all that is the patterns and incidents we have already been very aware of recently but in more detail. More context. Not helped of course but that little starry shaped torture implement used a lot by the traffickers and their clients and during lots of those abortions we mentioned has become part of popular everyday culture thanks to fifty shades.

February 14, 2015

Processing the unprocessable

We worry sometimes that we will get in touch with too much too quickly and get stuck as a part that can't look after it's self or junior. The pain could take us to a place we can't get back from. Much more likely when the visitors with all torture skills, experiments and paraphanalia was regular and some of us worried about that a lot. We thought it had happened sometimes but of course some kind of walking talking state always returned for more of the same but with a little less hope.

It seemed such an unnatural thing for a body to do itself to return to a conscious state knowing it would just endure much more. Anything you like but try not to bruise hur face. Sometimes they were allowed to and suprisingly some of the indivuduals, couples or groups I was sold to didnt care about the rules or respect the seller..

We don't get it. We never will. How can you enjoy pain? It's just fucked up. Sometimes they would ask each other to do some of the things that was being done to me to themselves or bully each other into submitting to something. I would be glad of the break but it made us even more confused. If they hurt me because they hated me because other people hurt me why would they want to have it done to themselves? 

Some of us felt it was just getting off on fantasising that they were a victim when afterwards they went back to their money, high profile careers, having power, being looked after, being a middle class bloke. But even if I was treated like a princess for a night, or achieved something by working hard to get round the surveillance and the effects of the abuse I will still always be a victim.

It's chills us to know there are people who are so without feelings that they have to get into pain to feel something & people who can't be satisfied without humiliating someone else when we have been stunted and shattered by it. Being the regular toy of so many dead people and their imaginations copied from the worst of the internet when other people had childhoods, were teenagers and it was tolerated doesn't feel like something that we can possibly process. Our therapist would say we can and we are though. 

How are we ever going get to a place when there's is more to our life than a history of being gang raped unravelling itself?  When the inquiries are triggering everyone without any sight of real change in this rotten culture. 

Our joints and muscles will keep telling me how they were stretched, twisted and pulled, how little and how already hurt they were. Our ears tell us the discussed and debated what to do in front of us, who else wanted in the steaming deals  the names 'sperm bank' the hole. We will do this to you again. The phone calls.. 

The same people coming back over and over sometimes taking us away for days or weeks. Get this place cleaned up before we come back and we will feed you. Maybe. Getting worse and worse,  gagging to be the one who got us to states where we did things the others couldn't get us to do or be the one who finally gruesomely finished us. 

Others getting bored of it. All getting more confident, more connected, more established and more rich and more sick and more compromised. 

We have been trying to join the eighties and the ninites. The brutal incest from our uncle and dad after we moved to Aberdeen happened to a part that was so normal, she had no experieces of being raped before and was completly unconnected to all the rest of us trafficked parts. We feel like there's a right brain left brain split in amongst it all, like it's something the EMDR can help with.

Their were parts that were able to watch most of what went on, trying to figure a way out, parts who survived the 80s who knew there were people who cared but they weren't around and this part who was a shy 10, 11 year old girl who was naive to all of it, who believed everything was ok. 

We need to join her up, me up to everything else that we are. We might need to follow the steps back to where she came about. 

When my uncle gave us that abortion and other times by the Dreem Team or Scottish thugs we were relieved they werent going to let the baby grow because as horrible and as painful as the bedroom abortions were we couldn't survive what they did in late term pregnancy and couldn't survive them taking another viable baby. 

They were intentionly doing so much that we eventuly begged them to stop. 'Even though you know we will kill it' they had this thing about always wanting to get us to ask for the abuse like they got us to ask for the abortions. We just cried and tried to hope something might happen to stop them so we could keep baby somewhere safe. 

It's not fair. To have a life after persistent traumas you have to embrace the misery and the agonies that you already lived through. Surely there must be another way? We can understand why some people just refuse.

February 11, 2015

Normalised

It does get easier and starts to feel a little less ongoing, a bit less unmanageable the more we start to is share it with ourselves and other people.  Intentionally letting something excruciating return instead of pushing it away, knowing that what happened to cause that pain was not momentary or a one off or accidental but is actually hours and those hours connected to weeks and years of deliberately and carefully planned torture, exploitation and damage. Violent abortions and other extreme horriblenessess are not exactly something that is exactly discussed much but we know ritual abuse survivors talk about it. No idea if the nature of the violence used by traffickers is part of any of the ongoing awareness discussions because we avoid all it because of very strong triggers.. the mainstream media the focus on violence is politicised as always anyway. Brown men traffic white men occasionally share and of course the mutilation of girls genitalia needs to never be tolerated but when there is so much horrific violence going on everywhere it just invalidates the survivors and the strength of those already fighting if what they endure is used to normalise violence that's endemic and epidemic across the rest of society.  

There really isn't any room for doubt of any kind in us that it happened and happened a lot. Not just because our body is screaming it at us 24/7 either, our brain is changing. We are going back over old connections and making new ones.

We have been allowing it to be present with us, resisting it gently when physical pain gets to much or we start to feel like we are about to go back there fully. Mostly staying in bed and going very easy on ourselves. No idea how long this phase will last but we certainly don't see any end in sight.  We have always taken breaks when dealing with this stuff with the accompanied amnesia and 'waiting' victim parts slipping back in but this time I think the boiler room parts are yelling that this cant be held back any longer, we are in a good enough place..









February 07, 2015

distractions

Feels like it is important to recognise where we have gotten to, with ourselves and in therapy so we had the kids over, made some gravy, heated up some roast beef and Yorkies. It makes it realer, being believed and seeing the eyes of someone who has us allowed us to fully be in their presence.  We have somewhere where we can start to air the reasons for the pain honestly and feel much less alone with it all, less alone now and less alone during the worst of it.  Its very validating.   We used to tell ourself that one day we would find someone who would believe us, who would feel for us and think about how it must of felt to go through all that stuff, over and over and to grow up in so much pain. We had to think of something to live or look forward to that all the violence could not take away and it worked but was devastating for some of us to have give up on everything and everyone we wanted, to have their bright futures reduced to nothing, only hours in therapy learning how to walk, talk and eat again.

It's getting easier to accept that there are a lot of things that some of us want so much that will never happen, lots of those dreams where just illusions made up to manipulate us by abusers anyway but nothing will ever be fair. So many hours during the first twenty years of out life were spent in situations that were physically and/or emotionally unbearable, none of the normal social and sexual stages of development were able to happen. This makes us an outsider, which makes us easier to abuse again and ignore. The pain constantly reinstates this by keeping the trauma fresh and making it impossible for me to build a new life.  My body is a tool for them to silence my voices and control our creativity but we are finding ourselves again by listening to our flesh. It is just going to keep screaming at me until its fully heard anyway.  There is lots we can and have done for ourselves when comes to managing that screaming but we need people outside to show us that they hear it to and that we matter, therapist is doing that.

We are using EMDR, just some quiet noises and tunes that we listen to while we talk. Headphones are not without their issues of course for us but it is definitely better than any physical touch, or focusing on fingers. She gave us the name of the Dr whose approach she is basing our work on but we have lost it and weren't that interested in looking anyway we were comfortable enough with what we have been told. The stuff about getting the trauma memories out of the centre of the brain and into the more outside parts (cortexs an that) seems like it can be simple enough for lots of us to understand. The EMDR helps move the trauma memories out of the more primitive, central parts of the brain where everything feels intensive and unreal to parts of the brain where 'normal' memories are held, things that you can think and talk about without severe anxiety and dissociating. I think she said this is done by following the connections in the brain which would lead to new pathways being formed.. or something.. what we are certain about is when she talks about it being like 'going the dots' it triggers something/someone alive and hopeful in us. It all feels very natural and we know some of the rings did some experiments with it but we aren't too intimated by whatever is being or will be brought up.  It's what happened to our insides that was the worst. The more of those abortions happened the less we cared about anything else. We just needed that to not happen again but even if one lot stopped it didn't mean some other lot would.

I can forgive myself for blacking out all the memories because the thought of any of it happening again and no one believing or caring again is just too terrifying. Like living day to day with the memories of all that was done to us and the faces and number of people who did it. Or living knowing that survivors are supporting people because of their public work for victims but who have been involved in doing things to me that have made my experienced DID therapist cry. Not that we really have much to had to all that other than we can't retract it and we think we are going to know more soon. It might not go here though. It might though. Its that Danzcuk fucker keeps seeing him standing naked and grinning, think I'm naked to and scared, he is between me and the door. There are few of the worst blokes from the BBC and criminal intel and police rings who had been around together a fair bit round that time not far away. None of us have been able convince ourselves that he doesnt look familiar like we have been in the same room with him at least a few times. Then there are the little voices saying he is ugly who feel scared and shamed, followed by bigger voices saying its not nice to speak like that and they feel cold and angry at the littles. Now its those images and feelings we just shared and nausea, loads of connected nausea.  We've been looking at the csa inquiry twitter feed again.. we shouldn't.. but we cant stop ourselves sometimes..we need to learn how to, its not aiding our internal processing its just throwing spanners at us..

So much pain. So much damage to same physical parts of us. We hope to not spend the rest of our days on lots of painkillers and cannabis but its the only way we can have any quality of life a the moment. There is so much more unspeakable things to speak we cant see any big changes any time soon, painkillers and weed it is then.. and colouring in.. and tea

We should probably stop typing now but its a good distraction from hurting, wasnt going to bother but we are worried about losing momentum and slipping back into being frozen and mute.. we wont.. but we might need to rest of course..











February 04, 2015

post about yesterday's post

We we have the same right for the violence we experienced to be exposed, investigated and subject to the same due process we believe everyone anyone else is entitled to.

Those words might seem obvious but they were just as hard to type as the most agonising of words we published last night. Think we should of drafted that more?  We decided not to push it. Its not going anywhere it will still of all happened tomorrow and the next day. It will still be in our head and in our flesh. Besides, its better to wait a while until it becomes easier to deal with when we have gotten more used to it all being an increasingly exposed parts of our head furniture. There increased communication between parts and the revealing of the past, the unravelling of the denial and more detailed body memories and everything else that comes with being in parts that talk to each is not temporary. There are still plenty of blanks of course but we know a bit more about what went on during those times and there are enough details overall for us to have lost the sense of it all being impossible. Too many dots joined up.

This is who we are we. We committed ourselves to getting to a place where we could know ourselves and that is what is happening. Yay us. Whenever in a physical or emotional place to do so we always hated the power that abusers got though controlling our amnesia, we hate not knowing how hard we fought. We also get very angry when we find we are questioning and undermining ourselves after exposure to something produced by industries we know from years of experience to be deeply corrupted by high earning criminals and close knit violent bigots. If we want to feel like who we are, to get away from the freezing, the surprise triggers, the 'unexplainable' extreme feelings, the crippling depression, the secrets and the amnesia then we have to remember without denial or shame or other people's prejudices. Its going to take a long time.

We need to air it, to ourselves and others to stop it festering any longer and because we dont think violence like this should just be hidden or sidelined. Its not possible to have a debate on child abuse, on trafficking on organised violence, to challenge the attitudes and institutions that aid and protect it, get the help victims and survivors the help they need without finding words to describe the worst and without looking at the causes of the worst.  The hate we experienced didnt appear out of nothing and disappear into thin air, doing this and going to therapy is all we can do to put some distance between 'us', 'me' and being a part of that world without being part of a world that protects it by never talking about it. We have to struggle to find the words for so much unspeakable experiences and let out the parts that can only talk about the worst to identify and determine ourself when the world around us constantly denies our existence. We also want to show to other survivors that you can name your worst fears in your worse grammar, the world will go on as before you just feel a little bit less shamed.. Once the post disclosure programs and mood swings have settled of course..

On the positive side, we love becoming demystifyied. To be able to recall what is actually meant by words like 'programming' without massive switching and describe something that caused us so much pain and were treated so consistently inhumanly feels really significant. The cult programmed parts that experienced most of ritualised abuse are now less isolated which means we can put experiences in the context of our snuff life and their experiences are no longer so utterly unexplainable or too horrific to even considering recounting.  Questions are very much being answered and it is a relief as well as exhausting and often unbearable. We came very close to full on incapacitating agonising flashbacks last night but we stayed calm as possible and avoided them with hidden object games, the castle town we are building on our phone and Disney films on netflix.



And drugs. Quite a lot of drugs.. We wouldn't be getting much in the way of positive work done without them we would just be crippled with pain and intrusive memories of forced abortions and the way we were treated after.

February 03, 2015

Abortions

Ok we have covered, all be it briefly being tortured by being raped after objects had been inserted orifice/s, with the aim of pushing the object/s further and further in to cause maximum pain, difficulty in getting it out alone, they wouldnt help until they got what they wanted or gave up. These practices where also linked to forcing open the cervix and causing abortions.  Various stages of pregnancy, saw it happen to others to. Sometimes lots.

The pain we are in, thats what it is. Its all been unravelling into a straight line of agonies and horrors.  Feeling it pretty much constantly over past few days, those moments when they eventually broke through and the fluids ran. So many times. Often planned as part of the cultist rings but sometimes just to punish or end a pregnancy from local rapists and gangs or the bigger international traffickers.


Little mes, youve met some of them they just want to love and be around nice and pretty things. All bonded and big with a baby not a little thing. And they do that.

At school.  At home. the radio  DJs, family members. All the crying and pain and the faces of the people that did it is coming back. We don't know yet. How many. What with the way they could control the amnesia by using such techniches to force parts of our DID system control other parts. They could trigger flashbacks and set things up to look likw whatever it was had just happened, other techniches to so you had no idea what was going on where you ever where half the time.

I guess we are still trying to hold on to them. Our babies. We can feel the pain react when we think and type that. We always 'knew' what happened to we knew we had been raped, was a victim of an abusive family, had been trafficked by rings that used rituals, forced abortions and other extreme violence to get what they wanted. We always knew we were a victim of pornography because the TV and films bombarded me with triggers. But know I feel it to and memories are not disapearing as we switch. What are we supposed to do with this flesh and this brain after 20 something years of that.