In town we picked up some decorations and toys we hoped would be small enough to fit in the pockets of the advent calendar Margo made. Went to greggs but couldnt really stomach the mocha or lorne in a roll but ate and drank at least half. When we got home we were quite excited to see which of the little presents fit, wrap them and hang up the calendar. Margo made the calendars and put christmas tress decorations in the pockets to hang each day and we have always wanted to put little presents in and have it all ready for the first but have never managed before. He's quite excited about it. He says he still believes in Santa and I believe him. I hope he wont hate me for lying.. I would of been subtler but Laura and Margo were never keen on that and when the kids were little and together at Christmas you can't really be telling them different things.
We got a letter from Grace and Tommy which brought up a lot of mixed feelings, glad that they are both alive but worried for them with such a horrible family, it triggered long term feelings of powerlessness over their safety and our own to. It brought a big smile to Pablo though and that was great to see. We will try and send up some tokens for their Christmas we arn't expecting anything for Pablo from any "adult" up there but it would be good to send them something to say we are still thinking of them.
We even txted friends from the ward. One of them phoned back and we answered, sounds like she is doing really well and we talked about meeting up. Promised ourself to phone another girl we have avoided calls from recently because she has so much energy and we are miserable. The CPN has arranged for the antidepressants to be put up. It's November and that is never much fun but we arnt in the self slashing place we were last year. Just miserable. A lot. Bullshit is being unpicked and truths rediscovered personally and there isn't any fears about doing or not doing something that would bring about a Trump presidency because thats already happened which is depressing as is the MSM supported rise in right wing white nationalist populism anywhere. It disgusts us. Deeply.
The not unexpected death of mad bastard Fidel hasn't exactly helped raise our spirits. There are people who feel as we do about the education and culture Pablo is getting. Hearing Western Capitalists claim a moral high ground on human rights isn't something we can tolerate. We know. We have and are experiencing their horrific crimes, their cover ups, their endemic corruption, their violence, their experiments, their systems of oppression, their theft and the hopelessness and voicelessness that results.
We are regretting our tweet about footballers and how it would off been much braver if they had disclosed to press when they still had careers. It wasn't Eric Bristow level of cuntyness but it was close. Raped footballers became rapist footballers in some cases, we were triggered and obviously felt some need to be horrible. Not that we have spotted any of our or Louise's rapists as the ones talking now but just like before we don't expect the scale of offences against children and gang rape in eighties or nineties in Britain to be exposed.
What else can we write about? We aren't reading but have ordered something that interests us and that means we were interested which is positive. We are struggling to hope for change, for contact but we are currently weedless and its often the case that we feel that way without it. We are grounding ourself in the wider realities of who we are and where we are from when we can but it all feels so far away with no means to get closer to anything or anyone. Nothing to do but wait and it feels like such as waste. Will put the decorations up over the weekend I think. That is something to do that will cheer us up and that means brandy season to if we can stretch to it, also a positive..