September 26, 2016

quite serious

We don't feel like we want to write much at the moment. Nothing has happened. The social worker hasn't been in touch which is a relief but I never know if I'm going to get a txt asking to pop in and we have to try and destink the place. I missed the appointment over at the hospital to talk about Pabs went to the thing at the school that evening instead. There was no way I could of done both. Have the CPN this week who seemed ok she is bringing leaflets to groups and stuff that might help if I really have nothing else. Also have appointment this week with one of the psyches from the hospital. Were we really mental enough to have been having sex with one or two doctors we already knew from the rings? With everything that was going on? I have no idea but I do remember back in Dundee when I had a much more functioning head than I do at the moment telling myself our time in hospital was going to be an extreme time and not to worry about trying to figure out what did and didn't happen as it would be impossible without being well integrated.  We feel to stretched between believing we will not be left here alone for ever and believing it's entirely impossible we will be. It's so hard to push ourself to get out there in anyway and it's pointless if we arn't going to be staying here but we know nothing solid about where or when or how we are getting out so doing nothing also feels like a pointless waste of time and a cause of avoidable stress.

Almost everything we know about ourself is in conflict with everything else and we have always been worried that the abusers who said it would all cancel itself out and we would be left where the put us with nothing could happen. Especially when we think about things like this up coming appointment.  We seem to feel like we "have" to go. We also feel like we have some self care concerns. We also still utterly terrified of the NHS because of the lack or exposure and accountability. It's on Thursday. We can't see us being much more integrated or any more able to adult by then.



 

September 17, 2016

scary, don't know, smile and just normal

It's not gonna be for as long or so hard on us as it us been. Not matter how long this goes on for. Communications are developing internally and we won't be able to do that if they weren't developing externally because it wouldnt be safe enough. It's good to remember stuff like the mud between our toes and how snow wasn't as fun. How when we had been picked up in the states and then encapsulated by some alphabet agency within an agency. We were sorting out pictures that other uses had drawn.

 We talked about some of this with Jacqui so we maybe wrote about it back then but I dont think we were writing much about anything back then there was too much going on and more immediate things to fight for. They were a good team, think we were about five but were very scared especially to begin with but they seemed to care and mean it when they said they weren't going to let us go back to something dangerous if they could help it.  They were psychologists and child trauma specialists on the teams who were really good and understood looks already about being different people and learned about us really quickly. They had us drawing lots in particularly at the start but it wasn't until later that there was anyone who could organise any of it. We did it without asking and they could see us either smile or freeze up when we looked whatever we had drawn.  It didnt take them long to figure out that some of the pictures they assumed where bad memories because of the soldiers or the backgrounds that looked like they might be military weren't they were very much in the smile pile.

We were both worried and relieved at how quickly they seemed to figure so much out and how much closer to ourself and safer in our own skin we felt by talking about the drawings and helping them figure stuff out.  Later we told someone away from a group setting who was asking about one we had drawn of large bars of something that if it was a picture of a time when we were a slave we didn't think we would of drawn our hands in the picture also. We knew we were literally painting ourself future problems but we did it all to be human or to be able to be human one day and we knew it couldnt be helped and to try not censor to much. We knew we couldnt keep ourself sane any more than we could do all the work we needed to do by ourself anyway so we would be pretty candid about it when we were little. We thought we had to the first time we were found by police with lots of it. We thought it would end there but we would be ok and maybe end up safer if we just told the truth we were a kid after all. It didn't end there. They are some of my most trusted people still.

Not that we every thought of it as something that parts could just chat about. Some felt guilty that we were keeping something from people we felt close to until someone helped us to understand it was okay to keep somethings to myself I think they were probably trying to explain our right to privacy to us and were possibly stretching it a bit far. We were taken from them of course but made it back and saw some of them again. It wasn't easier to explain as we older of course. People would think it was something we had recently got involved with through people we were all working to get me away from. The disappointment in their some of their eyes made us really regret not having tried to explain to them when we were still little. It did start in away from our RA contacts but we as far as we know it was our mother who got us started and said we had no choice if we wanted to survive and not to pay her back and not to worry about the law.

Maybe we believed this more than it was true at times. We saw how close the drugs and the abuse networks were and knew we had to do everything we could to change that or there would be no way of ever dealing with the abuse. But like everything else there has been times when have been prone to loosing it all and have to either get it all back or at least people know they werent working with me and could be in horrible danger. It was the bloodline that makes it all go away and puts us here also though. But again maybe not as much we think. There's always more also extreme at play. But she told me I must never forget I was her daughter and its hard when your not sure about anything and almost everyone is almost always lying but she would open up to me and her mind was very real, and very amazing but she was always very clear with her words, life was hard enough nd violent enough for accepted Royals but it was even worse for bastards and never to trust anyone except my own men who I must trust with almost anything and they must trust me with everything.

When the figured out the soldiers werent always the bad guys in the pictures they agreed it was best to not talk about stuff that could help them be identified we really started trusting them. They had a boss who wasn't so nice of course as usual. We started being able to judge how evil the boss was going to be by how helpful the agents were. The better the agents the worse the boss. There were exceptions though. It must of been pretty horrendous on adults to have regular contact with children going through what we going through.

She could destroy all our fears that we would be abandoned in a "normal life" in an instance but it wasnt usually through reminding me of nice things. Of course when I saw or heard from her for real it triggered the amazing training and education she got us into whenever she could and we remembered them all as people instead of another colourful element in the shit storm that seemed to permanently engulf me that I was only sometimes aware of. There's no way it could all be true but we could get our heads around parts of it if be ignored everything else which of course isn't something I can do for any real length of time.

Of course there were people demanding in from early on. That mostly went the same way but at times they were organised and did us horrific physical damage and got in about out notes etc. and caused other major problems for years and must still be as I'm not currently writing this pool side in my own estate somewhere less north sea more med.

Can't remember what was in the "just normal" pile it would probably be too much for us right now. We are saying hello and not feeling to phobic of parts though. While still trying not ask ourself how much longer this will go on for. Like a kid kicking the back of the drivers chair and asking if we are there yet when we might have a good bit still to travel.

Dumb human brain.. ...


September 15, 2016

how can it be true?

We should be outside still soaking up the watery September sun but we weren't comfortable. We haven't been feeling very comfortable. Trying to figure out what happened in hospital is like when we were trying to make sense of whether or not Scuff is safe or horrifically dangerous. None of it changes the present or the immediate future anyway. The chores still need to be done and we still need to get him to school even though we dont feel its any more an appropriate or safe environment for him than we did back in June. Something can't be so wrong for me but right for him.

We are eating/drinking a lot of chocolate still which we know will contribute to us feeling bloated and sluggish. Hoping we should start to wean ourself of that before we start just eating butter whilst mainlining coco power. The current stuff we have hasn't been helping much which has meant its lasted us longer. We were promised grass but it was from someone who was eyeing up our meagre painkillers .. we will see I guess. Not buying more of this anyway and other guy is owe us money so he's out. Think we might need some really good stuff to pull us out of this and that like many other things might not be available to us at the moment. And that sucks.

We have been reading here and there. We have learned or rather relearned how chronic pain is not in the tissues its a pattern in the brain. A pattern they made us go over and over until the slightest thing triggers it.  They used brain mapping to quite successfully as well as part of anti humanitarian programs. Find out what someones brain looks like when they are overwhelmed, rinse and repeat. We learned we had to give up on everything and everyone to get through it. To think of no one and nothing, to stop holding or giving anything any value. Nothing is real. It's just another trick to torture us. Don't engage.

We have never really gotten out of that place. It's Skene, centered it seems on that bedroom in Skene but there were places before it and during like other normalish looking rooms in normalish looking houses but also in labs or in any place where you may find more than one or two masons so clubs of all  kinds, work places or industrial settings. They left us with our hate for most people but British people in particular who stood around in large numbers sometimes and did nothing and say nothing about all of it.  Afterwards we could switch back to a state that loved and hoped but it was a switch. It wasnt me. It was someone else who happened to live here. We did break down to one of the boys and tried to explain what they were doing and how well it was working we know he would of taken it very seriously and we don't know and can't remember what happened. Hate being so alienated from being me. Wish you were here and I can't do this alone. These low scared states are triggered by loneliness. I really can't fix them by myself.

September 12, 2016

Catastrophe for who?

We miss you. We miss the way we felt about our own reflection when your around. That's a bit narcissistic isn't it? It's still there, on some days more than others but we are afraid we will run out of it. We miss telling you to not be ashamed or embarrassed and you telling us we are ok.

We know we have talked about some kind of catastrophe. Something so huge that it sends ripples in a directions that are strong enough for even dumb traumatised human brain can pick up on. It was used by some of the managers, American mostly, really skilled above the sex slavery and local organised crime levels. We see it as something too big to ever see from a two eyed, two legged perspective. It seems white but that could just be a shroud or shield. When we try and take it down we cant make out what we are seeing. Lots colour and detail and movement that we are too dissociated to make any sense of. How can we ground this flesh and look without blindness or fa├žades on everything. We do though but its easy for her who feels and knows so much love. There is no believing or "trying out" fiction when we are properly wired to our own flesh. They refuse to fear the tech and we have had to or thought we had to keep them down at times because we didnt think they knew the threats and how hard they tried to keep them. This was always or almost always a mistake because they are the only ones who can fight that shit. They were only hope we had. The options were constant higher functioning or regular brain scrambling. Obviously going to end up fucked either way but what gave more chance of a future? The option more likely to keep us alive obviously. But as what?

 Whatever we do or don't do it was always going to profitable to some very evil people. There was no point of thinking about that when we were fighting for our life and our human uniqueness.  Once we got past that shit though we would deal with enough of it so it wasn't crushing our spirit twenty four seven. We always know that when we are planning on looking into something some of our serious parts all ready will be.

 We didn't talk to Niall again. We wanted to. A bit. But it is Niall so never been good on the talking. Not be able to even say "did you hear about Tommy" we are so unsure of ourself and this situation. We maybe remember talking to Pabs about it but since he's been backed he has only talked like he doesnt know and hospital memories are dubious anyway. We haven't corrected him. As we almost remember being clear on in the ward, we are not telling him everyone from the past life he thought he had is gone until we can show him a future. We don't feel quite as physically unable to discuss it as we have but still can't see it happening. Especially as we don't feel any more confident in his school or our ability to talk to them.

..The catastrophe is bigger than the death of one child.. all we know is something happens and then everything after is different. (Something somewhere slows done.)

September 10, 2016

Doing nothing is progress

No it isn't. How could it be? It's doing nothing while things remain undone.

Thinking about how when have had the chance to feel ok its because the amnesiac phobic day to day parts have been able to become mindfull in the present parts who accept all the parts that are around and their pasts.

The phobias can be so tricky. We must of been very badly hurt when they got a hold of one us and told us our life depended on us always being amnesiac and phobic of the extremes ourself and people around us were capable of. We think the phrase "central anxiety" may even of been used. It felt like an infection. It began before they began keeping us based here but the strong sense that we must forget or look away from anything extreme followed us back to the other places we were being kept. We were terrifyied of it and what could happen because we were looking away or forgeting things we did need to know, fiction is much easier to believe if you have no facts. We were worried it might be in us so much that we all had it until one time with the boys. Someone got really freaked out because someone on our side was lost and we were jubilant. We didn't look away. They guy was in pieces and we had looked away and werent forgetting. We kind of wished we had but thats ok its in the immediate seconds after that matter. We were both pretty distracted for quite a bit and thats wasn't a good idea but we got it together like never before and I wasn't worried. Not one little bit.

Massive amounts of phobias doesn't have to be pernament but of course the parts that have them are so dislocated that the also believed it when they were told that they were. We pretty much all have something we wont look on, all us human parts anyway and who wants to be an emotionalness recorder of events anyway?

September 08, 2016

boys

A lot of travelling to turn up some where and find out you were supposed to turn up half an hour earlier without the dude. Only half my fuck up. He spent the time we did have scratching his bites, messing around on his seat and refusing to talk about anything.

How do we stop hating the fact that we can't give him everything he needs? We could probably meet more of his needs if we weren't so aware of what we can't do. It's been built of course and forced on us and knowing makes it feel even harder to address properly.

When are we going to start feeling him easier to engage with now we are not barred from remembering baby Malcolm, Malcolm and Ben? Shouldnt it of happened by now? Bloody wet ware.

Thank god no one speaks to us and those who do don't ask questions much. Couldn't give a vague but confident overview of events on the ward like we could our life.. Fuck sake..There wasn't just a "Good Doctor" readers.. there was a "Bad Doctor" too. We woke up in the middle of the night and he wasn't there. Found him plataued in front of the telly. Curled up on his lap and watched something that made us laugh and he laughed to, mostly at us laughing rather than whatever it was we were watching. It ended and I started to feel wretched and he got us to munch down some pill or other and wash it down with whatever Doctory spirit he was knocking back. Can't remember what the pill was but it was fucking awesome.

...

Someone had to make sure they were here, they had to be here. They had to see it was all down. I had to see them. All that shit had been between us for so long and for so many years there was only ever more of it and know it was all gone. I had to see them before we could let go. We knew. Then there was a tap at door and everyone knew it was them even if they didn't know who my "boys" were. My god they don't look like boys any more but they so still are. We talked about how we could remember how we had unique cry for each one of them and the time when we kept making a fuss and slowing everyone done and the place we were headed to got hit with some serious missiles as they approached. A life time of questions from all sides and in so many ways "how could you know?". We weren't talking about that now though. We told them it matter when some of us forgot because someone had given us the tapes so we could watch it over and over and it we always knew it was us because we would recognise our cry.

All that very real terror. It's not like an attempted rape or murder attempt.. if someone points that at us and pulls this or pushes that it's all over for us. Just over.. That terror to be removed is quite something.

September 04, 2016

Its all been said before.

We knew the routine, out and about drive wouldnt last long after we got out of hospital and got Pabs home. Not when there still isnt any support. A social worker who refuses to hear why psychiatry does more harm than good is not support and a PTSD diagnosis without the C and the delusional disorder still standing is more insult to injury rather than a step in the right direction Dr Tilly. How are we supposed to not be further triggered by that? I don't even know if PTSD has been given as a formal diagnosis and wont want to ask whenever we do see a doc that reminds us of being an inpatient because we are not strong enough to accept there is nothing we can do about it any way.. He's still covered in flea bites and looks more like you everyday but I guess after everything you have been through it's really important you get some time to yourself.. But don't tell yourself we are ok cause we aren't. How the fuck could we be?

We told you no child is safe up there Chris and now you work in child protection.. As always Fife healthcare and authorities you cover your own asses at the expensive of the vulnerable and keep people speechless..

Managed to get out for an hour though. In the park we saw a school pal of Pabs say hello and reach out and put a hand on his shoulder, Pablo flinched. Pain and isolation keeping us in emotional flashback state all we could do was focus on not bursting into tears.

All the stuff we do to keep ourself present like tensing and relaxing muscles doesnt help much when whenever we tense anything our uterus cramps along with it. It the same when we focus on our breathing. It feels like the deeper we breathe the more we are agitating the source of the pain. Ticked the box for diazepam on our repeat prescription form, the pain killers we get are not enough to stop the flashbacks spreading to the other side of our brain and giving us some visuals and sensory details. But they aren't flashbacks are they NHS? They are paranoid delusions and we are probably making up or exaggerating the pain anyway because we have a history of drug seeking and addictions don't we?

Tonight we go back to Fallout 3 through. Its good that can do that again. We do fear the way the pain comes back with vengeance whenever we are no longer distracted by it.  Maybe the mini pill is not a good idea we will give it a bit longer though before we give up on it. Don't feel like discussing any of this again with GPs at the moment because we don't any interactions that mean we go home and cry even more and feel even more helpless and invisible afterwards.

We are gonna try rest now. Then tidy up the kitchen, sort the washing, make the tea, clean up after tea, get Pabs in the shower and then to bed whilst trying not to seem to miserable, desperate and in pain.

Goddam supplier dude owes us money and hasn't supplied. Obviously not helpful. Hate how crappy normal day to day shit that happens to everyone gets piled on top of all the horrificness that doesnt happen to everyone and makes it all seem that much more impossible to deal with.

Is it true the crap with numbers and names disappearing from our phone is over? There is no way for us to know from here. Everyday is step forward even if there is no proof and it doesn't feel like it.

Anyway. Nap time. We have domestic chores to ache our way through so the house stays tidy enough for us to not be triggered by mess as well as everything else and for social work to decide we don't need their 'support' anymore.

Hope it rains. And rains hard for a very long time.