May 22, 2018

no he's my only Daddy

It was a long day until the hash showed up. Tablet games and some Amazoning and adding to saved songs but the pain just getting worse and worse. Washed down the second doze of codiene with Cabernet Sauvignon and strawberries. Helped with the hour or two before the first spliff. Horrible night mostly but something made us wake up in a weird laugh, it wasn't enough to shift all the anxiety dreams hangover but much better than how we woke up before that. Teeth falling out again and a bunch of other worse shit.

Daddy David. We can't say its good or a relief to be able to write that and remember. How could that ever be true after they way we were treated, the way he died. We did not treat other like that though and it is better in some ways to be in a place where we are longer keeping it all at arms length because survival dictates, to feel our internal splits and parts more without having to constantly enforce tunnel vision. Other people to. Its good that they can look on us know and not have see how much we are not here and not be able to do a thing about it.

But the glimpses into the specifics of those final years are something we have always had as a high priority to not have to go through alone when we no longer have work we need to do.  Its as undoable and unfixable in a different ways but as permanent as our enslavement and his death. Within the system it was all they same though. They were the same thing but we could never write off every single individual on this planet like that we needed not to even though the science and the numbers were very clear. We believe in free will. They did not and could not put every single person through regular prenatal torture and programming or cut and replace everyones' mind.

He would of fucking loved the garden huh?

May 21, 2018

I love you David.

Been reduced to stick twice coz of slugs & snails. Good luck to the sun flowers from bird seed I think. 

Think those little flowers must be from seeds we put in last year..

Almost got the blue tit several times today.

Will be cool seeing it all grow out there so we took lots of pics.

Might not of bought them if we knew they were yellow..

Poor infested Owly.

Gonna be fucking stupendous in a month or so..

First clematis flower of the year is eagerly awaited...

"In the states we shot yis.." 
"Or lynch yi." Another one added and they all made noises in agreement and approval.
"Not here though. Got summin else planned for you."

Figured you would love the accidental monster feat..

Almost flowering..

The cats are OK company. They're not you though.

May 19, 2018

I will get out.

Its just coming up to have past five and we are already inside, showered to wash off the sunbathing and anxiety dream sweat with the lap top bed table out and a cup of tea while half a tin of cider goes flat in the fridge. Not just cause its gone hazy and cooler. Its our mood. The need to cry comes over us every few minutes like contractions. Looks like we will continue to be cannabis less for a while to coz the boy just texted to say he's avoiding his house because of warrents. Hello you brainless fascist raping murdering genocidal child torturing meat puppets. Sorry but we will go without rather than have anything more to do with any of your girls. And yes despite being told not to we have painted the fence pink. As we have repeatedly stated the forces that forced us to pretend you have power over us are not a thing anymore but you can all keep waiting for instructions I'm sure some wealthier fascists in another country will come up with work for you all soon enough.

No money for strawbs but could get some brand new Jersey royal baby potatoes and salad very delicious. Birds were back in the garden today. Loads of them. We got some photos will look at them later. And we did move that one ivy and washed a few dishes and put some loads of washing outside to dry but not much else. It just hurts being here too much. Can't wait to be elsewhere with humane humanoids or humane non humanoids we're not fussy we just want some help with all the slavers, the genocide memories and preprogrammed people shaped hate machines.

May 18, 2018

All very lovely but there isn't a clean dish in the house..

And we are wearing junior's pants.

Totes earned

A definite improvement and yes another coat on the slats would be cool but we are all out of paint and money. I've been wanting to paint that friggin fence since Margo and Laura were being shown around this place. Filling into the massive cracks and splits took quite a while but easy and satisfying. Got bath salts and bio oil as well as booze that we can't really afford yesterday but we had to because of the fence painting, the weather and because it was the 17th. Went and got more booze we couldn't afford today because we drank what was left after chucking the brushes and the empty paint tin. 

Glad we have three tins of super sweet berry cider in the fridge though, weather looks to be a blinder again tomorrow so the shorts will probs be getting put on again.

Out of bloody hash though and are really not happy about that and will try to give ourself debt for Tuesday than just accepting that we are getting fuck all. Will try do some stuff even if we don't get any though and not just washing dishes, clothes and putting the washing line back up type essential draggy chores. :-( There's a couple of plants we wanna move and are thinking about pulling the cane border at the top and put the last wood one in. After that we can paint them. We could use the canes down the bottom then.. Always patches of weeds somewhere.. So where are our people? We are used to making the most of very bad situations that doesn't make anything okay. Haven't checked the msm in days think that has a vitamin D like effect on our mental health. 

She is much more tolerant of him outside..

May 16, 2018

I'm proud of me to Mama

Yesterday's post should probably of been called "The Dream" but its been discussed by others so much for so long and so loaded we couldn't work too much on it. Couldn't not make some proof reading effort either though. Its real to us now but hasn't been before now. We always knew that's how it worked and they could attempt to guess at its significance decades ago all they wanted. They were never going to get it. Any of it.

Today though. The first coat is done.. And its wonderful of course. Tomorrow we are gonna get more filler and brushes for the bits the mini rollers couldn't reach. Putting all the baskets back up is gonna be an absolute joy. Probs will do the wooden borders .. Soo many pretty colours. It just won't look dreich no matter the weather.

Beautiful today though. Cold wind but perfect for working in my fabulous sheltered backy. Sitting on the bench in the evening sun, drinking pink wine all sheltered and probably not putting on enough suncream is just great. Still need more of family closer but its so good to have a good May.


All settled in. Hedge was cut great to have the top of it done. Food was eaten. As we said the massive meal we were longing for the night before seemed like a preposterous idea at seven this morning. But we got the dude a hot sausage roll and a cinnamon swirl and had decent sausages on a bread roll after he left for school. Stupidly excited waiting for the hedge cutters. They turned up as we actived a talisman in seekers we knew that would make them turn up and it worked. Sun soaked, beer drank and by god the joy in beholding the Scottish flag on boxes of strawberries.. Got two. One for me and one for him and as its the first of the season they are all gone. Old el paso for tea. On offer and the whole meat and veg cooked veg and raw veg are wrapped up and sauced up was a way better than anything that could be delivered here. Stuff arrived a bit late but that here now.  Lots of cups of tea and a salts and oils bath, junior went into after us. He needs to was his hair though but we did just hear there that he has runny poo so maybe the listen honey your going have to go in the shower before school thing and its gonna be a thing could avoided tomorrow. We are not fully prepared yet.

Writing that fast cause we wanna talk about one of last nights dreams. Its a recurring location extremely normal one for anxiety dreams for anyone which is why they will have be pushed very hard on us. Also though because its the secondary school officially attended by Louise Elizabeth Johnston and we were in that role and have been left in what became of it and did provide some pretty decent and much needed education at times we can see why we keep going back there.

Big difference this time was that the place was literary crumbling and in ruins. It was mixed with scenes from the fall out games. We were standing on floors that slowly collapsed and saw patches of blue and white skies above us roofs caved in. Pretty sure anyone who suffers from high school related anxiety dreams be they attending one or did so seventy years ago knows deeply why we are not calling this one a nightmare. It was all over.

Everything was gone. It was wonderful.

 There was small groups of survivors around fires or making sellters and art out of the debirs and the odd wanderer in the rubble still figuring things out. Some of this and all its bright and cathartic humour and meaningfulness is only coming  back now because of the vividness of the large pile of heroin found in one of the walls was shading it. Someone knew who put it there it had been there a while, his nickname back then was Fatty but Shona told us years ago that it was quite so applicable anymore, since he got into heroin.

 No seemed all that excited about the heroin it wasn't much use to anyone now. Handy for when painkillers were needed of course a few other things it was left there. Folk helping themselves to a brick or opening one up and just taking what the needed. So glad we are remembering bits and pieces now. Only the non idiots had made it of course and shit they had done with ruins and the crap that was there before was just excellent.

We are already heading into some of the other settings for anxiety dreams that haunt even if we know we won't be going back to that one with anything like its former power. The horridble University campus where we are totally isolated and treated horribly by everyone whilst also owning most of it. Think our teenage shrink said that might be related to us having Jewish heritage and it was so close to everything being all over in a very catastrophic manner but not quite in the way he had be informed it would be.

 He was very lucky. Very. And we got a sec to explain to him just how fucking lucky he was it was particularly insane of course in the nineties as I believe we mention. There is also of course the airport, the huge gas station supermarket and the streets with pubs and shops and lots of people dreams. They are changing. We often find Pablo at the end of them and he's fine despite our going somewhere to do something, dissociating and not being able to find our way back to him. He often doing something undescribably weird but he's fine and we feel the anger that isnt ours or his but its deep and big and it's a response to me finding him and finding our way back from elsewhere but we are not remotely scared. We know its already done its worse, its is just a shout now and can't reach us like it did so so many others.

May 14, 2018


We got to sleep pretty fast but woke up all hopeful that it was near seven so the lass would drop of the tenner, the shop would be open and we could have tea and fags! But it was half past friggin three. So glad when sevenish eventually arrived and pabs dropped the tenner on our head. It's an utter nightmare sometimes the whole thing about not being able to buy less than 30g of baccy because we couldn't afford that and bread and milk so had to go for twenty cheapest fags and have smoked them all. Tuesday is only hours away though. We will get up early get what we need and eat and eat and eat. It will be morning so we probs won't want to but thats what we are thinking about now. Food. Eggs sausages  beans tomatoes maybe even those tattie scone things that are tasty when fried.. Shared the last tin of tuna between the cats and myself and that has helped settle my stomach from doing its need protein freak out.

At the school for a meeting today and it occurred to us after dropping off the dude that we were at the school and not freaking out. There's a thing on tomorrow that we are filled with dread at the thought of going and arnt going to but still it felt good to not be anxious as fuck.

Did three loads of washing, chopped at the hedge a little, washed dishes and sunbathed trying not to get to frustrated at not having the food stuffs to do more. We had a cheese toastie and a cupasoup which gave us the fuel to do all that but not having an evening meal when you could really do with an evening meal sucks. Watered the plants, tried not to get on pabs case as he played with the hose, had a shower. Bins are out to. Good day. Hope we don't do the crying in relief when we eat thing, its not like we have had nothing but triggered is triggered. Attempting to reason it away is just hurting and denying yourself.

Might even be tears at cannabis relief to. Probs not as we won't be seeing whatsherchops so it will just be solids if anything. Glad we fell out with her when we where skint, we often wouldn't see her when she knew we were skint and hear from her more when we arnt. Pretty shitty. Gonna be awkward bumping into her but we are not going back. Addicts don't exactly make good friends and she hasn't dealt with anything just swapped drugs. Seeing the state she is in, the way she treats people, the way she treats herself and her son, the way her family take care of everything for her makes me glad sometimes that we were alone and struggling so much. We feel like such a big girl around her, when we are just being irritated at all bullshit she spouts.

Its good to feel okay!! Soo proud of the garden and the house a bit to. Its only gonna get beautifuller out there in the next few weeks. Its exciting. You never know maybe we will be able to share it with someone else soon to. Hope so but even if we don't for a while yet it's a source of happiness and that, for us is stupendous.

May 12, 2018


Beautiful day. Did bugger all but pull out a couple of weeds. Rain overnight did do a bit of damage to the bent but not much. Watched the birds feeding a lot. Sunbathed. Made noodles and tuna for tea. Theres is spaghetti, tins of tomatoes, olive oil and cheese so some kind of meal is possible. Think there is one egg left to! Weather says Monday will be lovely our lack of milk for cups of tea, baccy, bread, biscuits, beer, cannabinoids, says otherwise.

Fell out with wotsherchops again. She doesnt seem to connect us giving her hash and sharing wine etc with helping us out with bread and milk when we are without all the essentials and this really gets to us when we are without all the essentials. But what the fuck doesnt get to you when you are without all the essentials. Then she said if we really needed her she would be there for us despite days of us needing her and getting ignored or told she would help if she could.. We ranted a bit in a few texts after that. Then stopped and rested for a while. Her response came a little while later telling us to give it a break. We said we had. She said yea right. Didnt want to continue the argument so we answered saying we were blocking her and were not coping well without cups of tea. We still got toilet roll and cat food though thankfully.

Think we more or less managed April without fucking the funds up horrendously. Hope we remember the phone bill and the bank charges or they are not an issue next month.

We put Jess flicking her tail and watching a bird on Google+.. Turned the live thing back on to get moving shots of birds and flowers but can't easily post them. Have to paint fence...

Here's an uneaten flower..

 And a streching climber...

And a little bird on a planter.

May 11, 2018

June’s gonna be so cool.. (Huh??)

The bench got two coats today. Resisted the urge to turn it upside down and paint the underneath of the slats. Will have a look at it tomorrow and patch any thin bits if it needs it and its dry. Its barely made a dent in the big tin of garden paint.. We have to do the fence that's on the side of the tidy garden neighbour. Getting more cheap screening and wall planters at some point is the best we can do for other side. Predictably tired and sore and proud. No more photos until hedge has been done..

Will maybe start preping the area tomorrow.. Will have to take it easy though because of the no money for food thing. We got a few bits and pieces but we don't wanna be getting creative in the frigging kitchen we wanna be working in the garden and have loads of caloiries and food prepared by someone else to keep us going. Someone working with us would be great to but we can't properly imagine that yet. We can imagine having cash for junk food and gardening beer though.

Forecasts right again. Stayed dry and cloudy. Kind of blustery though, our paint stirrer got blown away and covered in muck.. Still got the final ale left. Think we will have it inside now. Saves on the milk.

Nothing seems to use up the battery on the tablet like typing a blog post. I don’t know if its because the browser is open or some shit but at least the posts are saved and we dont loose fucking everything when it turns itself off without warning. Utterly useless battery indicator. Or teeny tiny screen are our only options.


Checked the forecasts. Rain during the night, sunny in the morning then white clouds, kinda perfect. Gave everything big and everything that has started or looks like it will flower soon some food. One of the ferns that we thought might be lost but found again under all the debris is recovering pretty cool spouting curls straight up into the air, remember to not feed them.. they burn. Or at least the biggest one does, badly.

Still havent the dinky decorative blackboard next to the door to the garden in the kitchen so we can write down when & what we have fed. Would still leave it all or watch it be vapourised for a moment with someone who cares and respects us though.

May 10, 2018

"...we agree S.A.D may be a factor..."

The forecasts were right about today. Mostly sunny with a shower in the afternoon. We started speaking to whatsherchops again (not the blonde one) and she texted after eight and good thing she did to because neither me or the lad were up. We put the throws we washed last night as part of the war on fleas on the line and took this one on the wash after we spraying it in insecticide yesterday. Its the pusses favourite blanket as well and we have gotten to attached to it to chuck it.

We confirmed the gardeners for next week in the morning as well. Then a delivery dude showed up. Six egg shaped candels that we decided we needed when on valium for the candelabra that only takes eggs shaped candles. They're an Easter thing and we reduced and are pretty colours. Stupid prices for egg shaped candles they were the cheapest we could find. When ended up not coming back to rest for a while after that. Cleaned the kitchen abit, looked for snails, hoover the rest of stairs we missed yesterday and the bottom hall, chopped up and marinaded the pork for tea.

She did indeed turn up as promised. Going on about not having a smoke for days and mentioning folk who gave her a smoke over the past few days and going on and on about weed when we didn't have any and she was getting pretty wasted of the solids, had us craving enough to check the bank too see we forgot about the vodaphone bill and have nothing unless it gets reversed but are gonna get charged anyway. She's still pretty stressful company and her texts still don't make any sense.

We good today though. After she left we made tea then had a beer sitting in the sun. We cant help not pick at the flaking wood protection and ended up sanding the bench. Pulled the decorating box out last night and found a sanding block, masks (which we used) and a couple of brushes. It supposed to be dry tomorrow so it could happen. Had garden paint for ages. The fucking cupboard though .... And the spare room. Or the shed room as we've started calling it. Plenty of cardboard to use when painting though..

Couldn't resist a bit of weeding either. Showered and hot water bottled and pain killered now with our blanket all clean and soft. Gotta talk the lad off the Xbox on into the shower. He's been pretty cool, makes his own scrambled eggs. Horrible attitude and tone of voice sometimes though but he's a pubescent and we are generally sensitive as fuck.

Will show you the bench if we get a coat or two on it tomorrow.

Please hurry up.

May 09, 2018

normal activities normal memories

Hoovered the livingroom. Its long overdue. Then sprayed the carpet, stairs and throws with flea killer coz the place is proper crawling.   Then took the shinny new bypass secitures to the monster hedge where its growing over the fence and the neighbours dilapidated shed. They were sharper than we thought they would be and went for it for a little bit. Totally knackered ourself and had to order food on skint week could not deal with cleaning kitchen and cooking to.

Its frustrating when mentally we are up for getting shit done but our body has us back under the duvet unable to move. Memories of secetures being used to cut of the finger of a living child. Well gardening or not gardening keeps a constant flow of that kind of stuff. Harder to manage when we have over done it.

We remembered our meds though and had shower, offered dude some reading time but he turned us down possibly for the best considering the nik we are in.

May 08, 2018

You understand our issues with patriarchy now?

Not so positive this morning. Pain is back of course we got no weed. We couldn't help but fall back to sleep and get trapped in anxiety dreams. We doin our best though, watered and picked out slugs and snails. Mostly little things, a couple of the big monsters that I've seen so many of out there. They do so much fucking damage. Might even read up on the pellets after finding a big one on a baby petunia that we surrounded in cooper tape, its sharing a big basket with the ivy that's been in years and gives lots of cover to nasties. All our lovely lattices are basically snail nursiers which is shit but we are probs in a better place now to pick as many as we can out each day..

We keep seeing corpses being dumped in holes then trees planted over them. We are looking at the beach hedge and wondering if it was done here. Its possible and we would of been told that was done at this house but that doesn't mean it was. "This whole country is a mass grave of your kind." We certainly don't feel like we could be anywhere in the British Isles or in Europe without being far from horror sites. They often believe we can sense remains or left over terror but its a DID thing. We are shown tapes of horror happening then forced to switch so we "know" but can't remember how. So they call us a witch.. I believe there is some handing down of memories without tech or tapes but there has been so much tech and tapes and DID we are not in a place to be sure.

Its inescapable though as decent as the house and garden may be this is not an appropriate location for our retirement due to social, cultural and historic reasons.

The fairy windows arrived today. We are making a mini fairy and gnome garden at the base of a couple of the beeches. Will put up photos when we have a bit more there. Wish this wasn't skint week, wish we didn't have any skint weeks. Wish genocide and slavery were crimes that were taken seriously and not the foundations and core values of so many institutions. Wish the USA was as accepting of everyone as it claims while never actually having much of a left wing. Subtle as ever USA.

Poor programmed littles don’t understand why there is still no hugs but we know why dont we “USA”.. A nation founded on lies by creatures that didnt think Britain was sadistic and pro slavery as it should be.


Oh hurry up hash that we need to remember we have to pay for next week. Your not decent weed but you’re not nothing. Xx