May 01, 2016

May..

Torn between shit happens and this can't be.

Its not an easy or comfortable balance but it would of helped us get this far so isn't all bad. When to just stay out of it and when we had to know what was coming next. But it was so hard to know any truth without noticing all the rest of it and that meant knowing the difference between safe and unsafe, between being cared for and nourished and being systematically abused. It was crippling and still is, it was to much for a little body and brain so the pain has been spread out over our whole life.

I can see them nodding as I write that. Can see them mustering their best hateful, objectifying gaze down on us and the decades passing and our body ageing our mind adapting to every injury while the power stealing stays exactly the same. The self conscious little boy in daddy's shoes hate and focus staying the same. The world burning around them but they don't shift their stare at all their entire will centered on making sure they didn't see more than the simple hate patterns that they hold as in place of a system of values. 

Oh Daddy.

They can't keep getting away with this so many good people are being hurt or killed. Too much good stuff is being stopped. When they keep as apart and won't let us speak I'm so scared of what they are doing to you and what they are doing me I'm scared they make us hurt you or you hurt us.

Anything we said about him or about anything they would train other kids to say and act. When we couldn't speak we were very hungry and cold we had to stay away from people but we were getting weaker and weaker and so thin. Good people would try and help but we couldn't speak.

When they saw our Daddy identify us by our singing voice they hit that hard and trained up the others. It was the kind of thing we didn't buy much, they wanted us to feel responsible for everything they did to hurt us and others. Often it wouldn't be our dad anyway but they would force us to pretend but we couldn't always do it.

..pretend the ones that arnt are dad are and pretend it isn't when it is.. That will kill us both. But we found ways of communicating, secret languages that we had to keep changing. Getting close always resulted in being further apart but we were dying without him if our mum wasn't around. It was just horrible place and people followed by more horrible places and people. We wished so much that he wasn't our dad and hated that some of us had been convinced it was true or cared because then we wouldnt have any hope and would die or fade away into drugs and sex and fakeness.

Our mum hated any of that talk and would show and tell us how much more we were regardless of who we are, what is done to us or what we become.

We are worried about him. We don't know when we really talked to him last. Its been impossible. We are scared he is lost and its been hidden from us to keep us down, confused and broken. The shit they pull and the surveillance we are under but we know we can match it and also that we can't save everyone and it gets all too much for anyone with a heart.

Well.

No bastard is here. I'm reasonably certain of that.

Do Something.

How, when we knew everything that has happened was probably all going to happen at best could we ever really hope?

That's the point. The choices are total subjection through violence and physical coercion with zero reproduction control and any rights to own or exist at all or death. So we chose death and found we didn't even have that choice. We were supposed to believe at a very deep level that it was our Dad loving us and needing us to live no matter what that took that choice away but we bought that for long or very deeply.

When people allowed us to feel like we didn't "have" to survive at least up to and beyond this stage because other people needed us to was when we felt it was possible and something we wanted. Breaking that victimised sense that my whole existence is about suffering for other people while we are in Scotland even when with good people was and is so hard. Pretty much impossible without lots of internal organisation or outside triggers or intentional help.

Some of us feel the isolated in a crowd, lost in cities, wandering lonely haunting dreams mean our brain is getting very frustrated with waiting for our mind to get it to together. To have to deal with wall the abuse truths and fictions alone like this. To have to tell ourself this is good and right because me and Pabs and not currently being raped or running for our lives and at least we know where and how he is.

We have been thinking of writing poetry again. With words like languishing, seething and no sanctuary here. There are less hearts in shapes we find our thumb tips tracing.

But we are still spending money on prettying and have started another assault on the kitchen distrustingness, helped yesterday when we used the hose and the and the pressure busted the tap and there was water everywhere including the cat feeding area which is of course is particularly disgusting. The Tuesday cash in early coz of the holiday when we already have a good few days of weed so we again added to the boot on the necks of Amazon employees.

There a couple of very brightly coloured pots coming, compost to stop us from reducing our self to tears by acting on the voices telling us to grab a smaller bag from the local shop, a rattan owl to keep our flying pig planter company and a metal cabinet thing that has yellow flowers on it are all on the way. Along with a book on history of knowledge by a Mr Peter Burke. We can't keep letting anti reading programming, horrible Aberdeen Uni memories and abusers academics keep us from important aspects of ourself..

We keep getting images of Margo describing it and saying she wished she had just got the metal flower cabinet thing for us when she had the money, saying we should get it because it would look great in the kitchen. They have done that massively reduced to a reasonable price thing and it's so pretty.. Next week is rubbish money week we will probably have to ask Niall for help as we do at least every fourth week. It bothers us because when we are honest, we have no idea who he is.

Worried about the moving of things that might happen when it arrives.. Like great there's more light and its warmer,

Yes we know we have a birthday coming up. And it is possibly, probably the birthday. We have a docs appointment on the day. We also noticed our anti anxiety prescription is due, its not impossible we can have a proper conversation about diazepam now that we have stopped being all over the place quite so much when it comes to GPs. We will of course be particularly hyper vigilant about our hyper vigilance.

Too cold for us to be pulled outside today yet. Love the differences we have made. But the pride and the self esteem can trigger the lose. We still think of Jessie a lot. And children's faces are coming into focus. As well as sound of their screams of course. And their laughs.

April 30, 2016

We did this to your mum and we will do it to her to.

we did this to your mum to and we will do it to your daughters when they are your age. We will make you help us keep them alive for us to rape. Can you understand what we are saying there. Slavery by birth. Involving and protected by the highest levels. Can you see why mute and ignore people think that is somehow "not surprising" or the NWO. They get eight and nine year olds pregnant for the porn, ask us to sing to our already raped unborns and tell them our stories of trying to get to safety and market them. Put our words in our rapists mouths and tell us to be thankful our work is being appreciated.

Satanic trafficking. Borne out of empire and the hate and the greed and the hopelessness that breeds. But how will that help us survive tonight. How will that help the children survive the extremes of pain they are keep them in.

It was always part of the scene but some seemed really invested in it. It was devastating. Particularly when literally true but even when it wasn't because of the truth in what they were saying about they way women and girls are treated in general by men positions of power and how the rest of society tolerates it.

They got my mum, they got me, they got my daughters. We aren't in a place to know how many granddaughters we have and how many of them they got. When there are only ten years between generations they build up pretty quickly. We've helped a lot of abortions. We would never arrange a brutal one but when we had access to the right drugs. Sometimes decisions are easy. Sometimes not and we messed with our memory a lot to hide when a little tough bundle was taken far far away or if ze was cleaned and held and never knew anymore suffering. We understood how hard it must of been for people who rescued us and found us later than half way through a pregnancy.

There was so much encouragement and programming aimed at making us feel very connected to pregnancies. Some of believed they were taking to their unborn and could feel their pain. Usual there is a level of this we believe in but through all the sleep, food and sensory depravation, the rape that went on for days at a time, our age, the splitting of us, the constant emotional abuse and worse when the DJs and friends weren't around etc etc we don't think everything we remember experiencing particularly when we first start thinking about it is going to be as it happened.

Our biggest association from that time during the 90s, based in Skene is feeling so small and very pregnant and starved and sore, blindfolded and crying. There was something about "well this what you wanted, you remember your dad now don't you". Scottish bloke accent, we associated with Margo's brother but wasn't always. Then the handing over to Spoonie and Moyles and all those horrific scenes.

We know it wasn't anyone's fault but it was still so hard to forgive people for not being able to stop it and the longer and longer it went on the less anyone who loved us would recognise us when there was no time to show them before we were found again.

I know we did so much work to smash those rings but how can we not focus on all that is ongoing and what is just waiting and what is evolving even though we feel like we can't do fuck all from here so there is no point doing their job for them by torturing myself.

Where could all that hate come from? To hate foetuses. They are all just mad, skillfully manipulated mad, some of whom with essential parts of their brain removed to make them more compliant. They wanted us to fight them, to see them as an evil that we tried to battle and were defeated by instead of a it all being just more horrific shit that happened to us by people who had horrific shit done to them. They were terrified of our ability to stay grounded. They hated it. They would say they get us to do what they wanted just like our mum but we didn't believe it because if they had her doing what they wanted they wouldn't of murdered her.

The same games, same torture and rape routines were played out by different groups of people. Someone was trying to figure out what got to us most. We had no option but to never speak and only move if it could get us safer. It went very dark for a long time.

It is dark. We know the fake narrator is instead of a voice. We knew we couldn't have our voice when our mind has been segregated and sold off to most learned or creative tortures.

They would keep reaching us from whatever dark places we hide in. They needed us. We, catatonic and tied up and adolescent was the closest thing to a safe adult. How could we not look into Adam's loving eyes and not be forced out of the shade? How could we not see the stance and the pride in the girls and the fight in the girls and remember us and our mums. Or look at their hair and their dry skin and remember everyone else.

And little Suzie. Whoes real name is something our tongue aches to be allowed to pronounce. She needed her mum. We need her.

April 29, 2016

Many Strong Beautiful Phoenixs

We know that if we could die from missing someone it would of happened by now, when we went from great and good places to some of the worst. When our stomach had to adjust from a varied and fresh diet to one that wasn't. When we went from being seen and being loved to not.

There was some brilliant Christmas's in the bunker wasn't there? And birthdays to. Even when grandad turned up and some other mean fuckwit kids had shot us in the stomach with an air rifle. It ended up being a pretty good birthday. We remember Christmas morning sitting on the floor eating candy playing some game we had told them it was cool for them to sleep in. Our mum of one of our mums pretended to still be asleep when you called outside. It wasnt like anyone was going to be just passing. It was always so good to see you when there was no abusers around.

We remembered hearing the chopper when we were ha!f asleep a day or two ago and we knew how far away it was and it was something or someone good. There was one time came in from sledging with grandad and you were and from then on we couldnt come in from sledging without feeling excited and sometimes so unfathomably disappointed. We remember that feeling of not wanting to sleep or do anything that might waste a second or wasn't a good way to spend the limited time that could end suddenly at any point.

There hasn't been much ageing for us during the 90s & 00s, too much trauma, that must of aged everyone else so much. Everyone was tortured so much and with the conditions we were in it seemed to make sense that knowing how bad it was for us and the kids would of killed them. We were always so glad when we broke through that thinking even when it was just an attempt that they could easily stop before it started because we knew that if we kept thinking like that we would never get away from them at all. There would of been no now.

Of course we've been thinking about our three strong young women. The product of the Dream Team wanting a daughter from us each. Or at least that was being said a lot. They are not only phoenixs from all those horrific ashes either.

Knowing it isn't just us that wrestles with the hate, help. Knowing that we did what we could to show what what couldn't say. We were tied up and drugged and blindfolded so much dad and others and all the kids how do people tolerate that in their communities, their families, their authorities and industries decade after decade?

I'm sorry and know you have no more answers than us for whats being done to you, me, the girls and so many others over so long. We feel a bit bad for saying at least you won't have to polish turds anymore because you are so extraordinarily good at it and if we can't be together just get I hope you are busy and putting your talents to proper use.

Dreams have been hurting us again. Haunting everywhere searching for, grandad anyone who knows us and can helps us remember who we are. A water park that shows up quite a lot sometimes from a time we are still to distant from to know why we go back there again and again. It us an unsafe feel but we have had dreams about being all happy and confident there so rare for this system subsection it was brilliant. What we usually remember is being lost and alone sometimes trying to make the most of it but never being able to shake the lost and alone feeling. We see people who we think we know but they are cold and act like strangers when we approach.

Seriously sleepy know although having to get up to pee every couple of minutes will fuck with that.

Don't work to hard and I hope to see you in my dreams.
Xx

My name is Rose.

Rose. Its Rose. Rosa came about because we were going to say our name was Rose but then remember it was probably best if we didn't let people know we could remember. Her hair was mousy brown? Is that right? We can't remember being told her name. They wouldn't let us hear it.

April 28, 2016

Snow in April

There is no way we have put enough humiliating details in that form. We never mentioned that the before our period starts is common that we can't function for weeping. We forgot to mention the infected cysts. Dad they are probably gonna demand we go to an assessment when we can't do it to ourselves. We have lost that young and alive positivity that believes that just by leaving the house we have increased the chances of something good happening for no reason other than being young and alive. Even when we knew it wasn't true not for us and maybe not for anyone we could still feel the possibility at least but after Dundee and us ending up here broken and alone like we had barely fought at all, for the child abuse and the cover ups and the careers of people like Jacqui to continue like no one knew..

Anything is possible you were always better at believing that than us. We just believed in you and mum of course and that helped us believe that other people might also be worth the risk of talking to and maybe even trusting. Its really snowing, flakes in big soggy clusters. The trays of seedling are back in. One year we were with mum, it was just just and I had to go out for pee in the middle of the night and realised it was snowing like it is now. We covered the wood we said we had already covered and then pulled our sleeping back to the front of the tent and fell asleep watching the snow fall. Until mum woke up freezing and pulled us back in and shut the door. We feel back to sleep in his arms with him smiling. Think he just loved to see us act like a kid and to have us back.

Sometimes we would sneak out and grab extra blankets. He didn't approve to begin with but later on he was the one going or ordering others to get them. Balnaboth had all these antique down duvets and stuff no one was using and we were freezing it made no sense. Sometimes it was to risky and we just shivered alone. We were so glad to be safe though we didn't care about the cold. It was a different kind of cold. God it was a relief when we could go to the bunker though. Warmer and safer. So much safer. Sometimes we couldn't sleep in fear we would be snatched at any moment and would stay awake in his arms until he was awake, panicking at every sheep or pheasant.

It must if been hard for him. Seeing us turn from so happy and spirited to clingy and fearful. And you to. Soon we would start to get that we were to far out and start relaxing more. The shit that was pulled on us though when it was ended. Horrible gases and stuff. Cunts.

Thinking of the hours in tents as the sun rose in the spring and earlier summer we know we spent a lot of time wondering about our biological mother. We can see the face from the footage a little more.



April 26, 2016

Typical Scottish Spring

Tuesdays. We hoovered, opened up the new hose on tried it out in between hail storms, ordered clothes for me and dude from BHS, had a bath period starting hence the energy levels and the pain levels, smoked, ate salt and chilli ribs and chips for tea. drinking wine, taking a break before going back to whatever hes watching on cartoon network. Brave of us some would say to be publicly declaring the start of our cycle after what we have been saying. Not scared though. Too full of food and drink and weed.

Really bright again this morning. Margo would of loved what we've been doing with the garden. It burned that we couldn't do anything last year. Sure we wrote and repeated the lines to Jacqui about reasons why things were so hard but we knew it was fear. Fear of what would happen to the kids we cant get out and fear that doing what we needed to do here would fuck up what was ongoing for those we could help. You know, they know and we know they know how much the waste and cheapness of life gets to us and people like us. The total lack of value that their family saw in Margo and Laura is disgusting to us. The emotional distance from everything needed to survive all the time in that situation is catastrophic. We do worry what its going to feel like to hear from anyone them again after all that has been done with and processed, if and when it happens.

Think we are switching between relief and release over no longer being in contact with Jacqui or the families. There isn't much anxiety about not going to see the gran in the nursing home. Feel sick for Gracie and Tommy of course who are probably still in that house as the decades of torture and imprisonment and abuse there of all the child rape that happened there involving those people roll back. No words about them or anyone else from the police but we weren't expecting any. Its not on the schedule and we are doing anything that requires any scoop monstering  and "Quine what's going on?" and "don't tell him that"..

Bound to be some would like to though and the main things stopping them and in their heads. Their not my dad, grandad or grown up bairn of any colour..

Notice we hold a lot of tension in our jaw again..

A semi decent summer in Scottish out in the hills had the same effect on everyone "..the land, the land. Those colonial bastards.." Love it. Showing you what we had learned about wildlife. Taking you to all our hideouts and secret watching spots. Knowing we were telling you stuff people were going to ridiculous efforts to try and find out pay stupid money and you weren't taking half of it in because it wasn't what was important to you. Knowing that when they had you out there running you knew all the secret safe spots. God what a relief it would be to find you scruffy and bedraggled but safe and unharmed they hadn't got you.

The hours playing with each others hair ..
:-D

The frustration at the ripping at ourself open with the shards of the past and when we get a bigger picture we don't give a fuck. Theres seconds a minute or two of feeling our self in our self and the pure relief and then we go back to hacking at ourself with another shard..

Love you all
Xxx