February 17, 2017

your not my daddy

It feels really good to be watching US news channels and journalists again and its not like before where we did it out of vague interest and some dubious sense of duty or make me feel like I was engaging and always ended up unfollowing because the reality of our life was so far away from the world they were reporting I felt even more sub human. It's so public now who the "sub human" is and the reality of our life is without so much ongoing violence, attacks and ops and that de radicalises us. It's possible to feel that common ground between myself and the rest of Earth's humanoid inhabitants isn't just temporary and literal.

It's important to enjoy non bullshitty news when its around and your in a position to do so. We are worried about complacency though. It all seems so ridiculous it cant possibly continue in our civilised nation.. We have enough historical insight to know thats a time when liberalism is dangerous as fuck.

It's to be in a place where we can expressive negativity about Russian authorities and institutions, anything out of the very early years we have few associations beyond hopelessness. Like Britain the ancientness the conservationism the imperialism meant satanic practices were long ago protected and centralised. It's impossible to not feel fury on behalf of the Russian people. They fight and work so hard when they are and always were being betrayed in the worst and most massive ways. The Brits lots their hearts long ago but the Russian's kept a hold of theirs for so long. Just for wife beating to be legalised in the 21st Century and the courting and protecting of Trump and people like him throughout the world.

We are still buried in post apocalypse Boston. Our main mission at the moment is scouring the commonwealth for nice things to put in our home or on shelves in shops. Onto the second row of bobbleheads and have quite a few robot models they are so cute.. Not sure about the vault building quests..definitely will be going back to Nukaworld to dispense some justice though and pick up souvenirs of course, also still have to figure out how to retrieve Dima's last memory with Nick.. busy girl.

January 27, 2017

yada yada

Yesterday once the first time this year we managed to put in an asda delivery. That means today we had steak chips gravy and red wine of course. Don't know what our issue is with ordering groceries so we don't need to go to the little shops here every fucking day is. Well there is the problems we have eating sometimes the difficulty in planning ahead and accepting that we that same shit that needed to be done today will need to be done tomorrow and feeling like I am better suited to other duties.. But other than that..

May giving it that her and Trump are going to bring back some kind of imperialistic golden age. Unpleasant. Saw a meme today showing a bunch of arms with camp registration number tattoos it was highlighting previous times people of specific ethnicities have been registered and demonised like immigrants and Muslims are now. We know this. We know the fictional emotive rhetoric and the long term plans for destroying and denying human rights behind it. We know its sliding from outward liberal values and backroom hate and war crimes to hopeless back and front room hate and war crimes. We know fascism uses the tolerance it claims to oppose to gain influence and then aims to destroy it to maintain positions of power, we know Trump is repugnant, abusive, fickle and easily played as long as his ego is stocked and that May and tories are usually just as bad.

 It's disgusting and terrifies us at every level but that isnt what we took from this meme. Some of the wrists had watches. It wasn't taken in a camp it was taken after and they were together supporting each other years and years later. It was the most hopeful and life affirming thing we have seen in days except for the development of our settlements in fall out 4. We have enough caps to be buying shipments of steel and wood and setting up big shops everywhere. Haven't been sleeping well. We did come off the olzapine that will be in a factor in that but as instead or as well as feeling unsafe as fuck because of the systems and people in power we are planning cafe lay outs. Would love to find more copies of "Picket Fences" have found three so far I think. Can make tonnes of paintings, patio furniture and just recently - statues!! :-)

January 24, 2017

virtual training

It's good to hear talk on mainstream tv about the need to understand authoritarian regimes better. Seeing Trump be so abusive towards the press making them point out all the blatant half assed bullshit has been kinda nice to.. It's hard to rise above the chillingness of it all even when you know it's intentional. I'd rather not hate "the press" but its hard not to when held down with the ridiculousness here in the UK. The trident stuff today.. ... sickening .. and maybe a step towards indy.. We have been very successfully hiding in fall out 4, where we have a girl friend, are building settlements, setting up traders and blasting nasties while not looking for our son much because that would probably mean the end of the game. Resident Evil out soon though so thats a relief.

It's January, our weed guy isnt responding forcing to consume headachy pollen but we aren't too bad. Still no word from no one. But an increased sense that we are out there searching for a way to help us. Still wading through, the fake, the real but pretend, the completely not real but still true, etc memories. I.D in our head the past few days. Not particularly helping. Not particularly not helping. Usual.

Tomorrow I have to clean a bit but then I can do some quests. Just turned on a machine that got rid of the mireluks from an island and need to build defences for a Railroad safe house.. 

December 14, 2016


We are listening to carols, smoking blinding weed and thinking of you. CPN today. Last time this year. Didn't tell we have stopped taking the antipsychotic. Told her we were struggling to take it. She said it was honest of us to say so but as we were still taking it we must think its doing us some good. She got a bit pissed off actually asking us if we thought this was a good time to be even thinking about reducing. We said we are not interested in psychology at the moment. We really arn't. Not from the NHS. Not from anyone we can't vet our self. We are a little worried how we will get evidence to say we are unfit to work if we are refusing to see any docs but we know we have every reason to believe in what little we remember of the phone calls where we were told we didn't need to. We remember the relief and the sense of truth and then our heart sank at what we were going to have to survive from then. He talked about there being bad times ahead and I think told me something that he hoped would get us through that we can't remember now but that doesnt mean it didnt indeed help us through the last couple of years.

As usual though from here we have no idea what is going to or may happen. We know that if December becomes January becomes February and there is no real change we won't at least be in as bad a state as we were this year.  It doesn't mean that every thing we remember isn't real or doesn't matter. It's just bloody war and that's what it's like which isnt an attitude that is going to get us to pop along to a local art group but its the best spin we can put on it. We don't expect anything else from this life in these structures. I know I hear you "believe" and we do when we don't feel the pressure to be on anti psychotics or go to art groups. Had a lass from ward in the other day she's adorable, we love her .. she drinks like Laura..

This time last year. The run up to the 21st knowing it was significant and desperate for something to happen and needing it to be positive and knowing deep down that it wouldn't be but wouldn't be the worst thing to happen to us either. The sources, the messages that it would be different this year.  How much have we banked on that..The same date. Dude keeps saying it was the 14th and looking down about it. It's good he is feeling. I said we are going to have steak pie on Friday because that was one of her favourites and we will talk about her and make it special. She would of been fine if it wasn't for all the horrific abuse and abusers. We posted two big boxes of parcels for up the road today she would of been glad. We feel sometimes we should of made the effort to see her more but it was beyond too much. We couldnt forgive her for not perusing treatment and for the way she told us straight after Laura died when we already knew. We really just had nothing left. Not for her. Not for the kids. We have a little more now. And hopefully more on the way.

December 13, 2016


It was a great relief when N phoned and asked if it was ok to just give us more money. We didnt even have enough left for today's baccy and couldnt of asked for more. I'm still paying for tonnes of data I needed when in hospital and forget to pay the rent difference.  We do need to be a bit careful though because next week is rubbish week and the asda shop is delivered the same day as the early benefits but we will need to leave enough in the bank to make sure there are no food related tradegies finding out whatever asda substitutes there will be is hairy enough. Might need to wait until then to get more weed to. He hasn't given us enough money to drink and smoke and eat like we have been already for the next three weeks but its likely we wont be wanting much for long. He want's to give him presents himself so we have to set some aside for him to give on Boxing day. Think we will go for the lego dimensions stuff and some playmobil. We have failed on the plushy front this year but never mind he will probably still be watching that often totally inappropriate you tube show that uses a plush baby Bowser amongst others next year anyway..

Tomorrow we venture forth to get craft stuff for up the road and Argos is doing three for two on the lego dimensions. We have been having the now traditional approach to Mondays in December but Tuesdays are different we need to shop so he needs to go to school. We didn't go to the nativity again but at least he was there. Stealing the show with his comedy singing we heard from a girl in his class who obviously finds him really annoying and doesnt mind saying so.

We read A Christmas Carol. It is something we do and enjoyed immensely. We've read it aloud in ships and places far far away many times. As always. Just wished it was longer. And are thinking about reading more but we are mostly just focused on rampant materialism and indulgence. You would be proud. We have The Quantum and the Lotus gathering detritus and will get to it soon also still keep thinking about Sophie's World but are too scared its the bastards packed it with triggers and we are not big enough yet to handle it.

Hope your coming back to us soon. And not just because we are so up in our own head and far beyond that the dude needs someone. Anyone..

I know people probably want us talking about specific things and their significance but it's been such a long road it's hard for there to be much left of anything but words especially. It wasn't something we could talk about much they kept such tight reigns on us. To be writing and thinking about it now is so significant to our understanding of our self and our past. More barriers down. But we remember them saying how every day we were alone was a day they had won, a day where they had us and how it got to us and never left. They were very good at the self fulfilling stuff.

Different files in different peoples hands now though. The worst of it all ready dealt with or we wouldn't be saying anything. We know that at some level some part must know that they don't have us any more and it will spread out to other parts other levels in time.

December 11, 2016


Orders are to keep spirits up as much as possible so we are dutifully spliffing up lovely stuff lots and have initiated brandy season. There's a lot to be relieved about. To be at the end of 2016 and not the start of it or some time long before it.  Trump, RA, Russian fascists. There's not much on RT we can stomach now but we do try because they do have some good stuff sometimes but mostly its Al Jazeera or CNN if they are talking about the obvious lies and dangers of Trump. 28th of March 2012 or whenever PaedoBritain day was when we published the lists. And so much else and said see you end of 2016.. Meaning of course that we would be safe enough to be awake enough by now and enough of what they wanted had happened that there was nothing to loose in remembering.

Digging around in Russia wasn't tolerated after the fall. Neither was battling or defending myself or anyone else from traffickers and they were some of the worst. They became the worst when we managed to through enough spanners it the works of all the rest. There was them and what they personally and directly supported. The B.B.C, the media, the porn, the music industry. Taking out the systems that made and supported them just emboldened them but we knew we had to keep doing it the systems had us to. The off terra support. Now mostly if not totally gone.  Really? Blimey. That is worth a brandy honey tea or two.. fuck sake.

The ops we ran to make everything evil as fuck down here think it was all going very differently. Massive, complex intricate affairs involving thousands to millions of people. All that is over? Fuck.

All the work we would do would feel so meaningless. Anything good meant punishment long term back here and where ever else they took us before hand. When there was lots of Russian speakers we knew they were running out of middle men or had rattled them. We can't remember what the direct cause was but declaring war on Russia over Christmas 87 from the Glen seems like one of the things we almost always know. We were getting somewhere with English Conservatives and dealing with child sexual abuse and they annihilated it and much else besides.

What now? Can't the lists in that much detail but we remember the impression that it all started to get a lot better in 2017 and beyond. Not sure any of this means anything for us in short term practicalities.. Hmpf.

The memories of the shows. We are a long way from getting tired of them. There are so many.. They keep as warm just as they are supposed to. Even if we can't work. We hired the best. We have sit back let them do their job and keep spirits up..

December 04, 2016


He was one for encouraging us just to write and not care about it whether it was us or if it was true or not because it all helps us get to a place where we are us more and are grounded in reality instead the "truths" we have when we are too scared and in too much danger to remember..

The tree is up. It took ages and we remembered another reason why we like real ones you don't have to pull out each and every branch. Its six feet, reduced to fifty pounds glittered tipped and scratched up our hands like a real one. Pablo was as enthusiastic as he usually is about decorating it but he did make a pile of decorations for me to put up and put on his customary piece of tinsel that I don't want on it because I want the beads but he will notice if I remove it. We bickered a little but not too much as we have learned that he thinks Christmas is a bit messy and unnecessary.

It looks pretty great. We got even more wooden pine cone hemp string dangly things for the walls that were painted this year in the post hospital mania its all lovely in the livingroom. The kitchen is started. We have tidied up a bit, swept the floor and washed the bit the cats had repeatedly pissed on and put up our fake greenery and the lights we bought this year. Its hard to stay on top of it in there but we accept that and know it doesnt take much to tire us out and we will push it and end up in a real mess and how much better it is to avoid that.

Christmas for the kids up the road has been dawning on us. Poor tykes. Presents need to be sent. We can do that. Once we get more money and can order some. They are sitting in our amazon basket waiting for available funds. Prices rising.

We do love our Spotify in December. The spiritual list we do love that shit and it brings back rehearsals and celebrations that have happened in all kinds of far away from here places. Fabulous celebrations. People are often pretty receptive of our message of a multi cultural Winterfest.