March 17, 2018

Hiya Rosie Rosie daughter daughter,

So many of them wasn't there. All smiling and enthusiast and keen to get on with job at hand.. Such a beautiful sight and so utterly useless.. It was really hard choosing people to shut the program down. So hard to tell anyone what we had been doing. So difficult for so many of us to let go of. It was we set up to keep ourself alive and ran in levels that are extremely hard to communicate with. It was what we did to stop us from thinking about you all the time. It was we did to survive and attempt to acknowledge the scale and the reasons for all the genocide and the breeding. We will carry none of them but they will all come from our eggs and brought up away from it all at least that way we had some control over our eggs as well.

They must be less useless now. Surely.

Love you love you.

I'm sore and tired all the time can you come rescue your mummy yet?

March 11, 2018

As nice as it was having the mattress against the radiator feels good to be in a bed that is all attached itself, doesn’t move about as I move.. that is made of big bits of wood.. didnt cut any corners putting it together either and that includes screwing down every slat by both ends..

Rescued the vintage pink duvet out the spare room and its on the new bed, since we were in there dumping the bits of old bed we nabbed a couple of pictures and have been moving what we have up already around.There's a lot of wall space in here and its bare which is grim.

It is lovely lovely weed and we are very glad to have enough for tomorrow we couldn't sleep last night and ended up just getting up and cleaning the kitchen and hoovering the fith in here before dude was up for school.

Our room is beautiful. Its a lovely space for us to be exhausted in. Finished moving pictures around and swung around clothing to get rid of some of the spider complexes. Its so good to be able to do so. No more putting things how we like it then having to change it into something else we don’t like because it was sure to bring hell if we didn’t. Almost homelike. Almost. 

March 07, 2018

The winter is ending..

I think it still hasn't been returned. But its Wednesday and we woke up this morning with baccy, milk, foood, heating and really decent proper weed. It was wonderous.

Grace and Frankie got us through. And Pabs who again was really chilled about having fuck all and that made it easier to make something out of the bits and bobs left to keep his belly cozy and not not resent it. Horrid though. We did really well all in all to though. Asda was phoned three whole times and the bank once as well and we mean we spoke to people those times it's not the number of times we dialled the number. Got no where. Margo had same shit years back and ended up with us in Dundee. Both articulating very clearly that the other could return the cash for the undeliverable groceries very easily and neither doing it.

We have bee keeping in mind its wise to listen to the voices that says we need to eat lots and take it easy today. Poor tummy. The no milk thing was pretty bad. We got almond milk from Shonagh but it's fucking awful in tea or coffee and no amount of sugar or honey can mask it. We tried downing some in the hope it would stop that pukey stomach chowing down on its self feeling but that really didn't help and it got puked up.

All good know though! For how long? Dunno..

March 02, 2018

We got through to Asda but the guy said they hadnt taken the money but we got the “your order is being processed” on the app and if the money was already gone you get “there was a problem processing your order”.. We just said ok and hang up. Really shitty though, cash less, milk less and hardly any food, gas already in emergency, again. Wish we hadnt ordered the new bed cause they cant deliver it anyway cause of all the snow. Ug.


“.. guess we will have to phone Niall then.”

After the call was over we asked her if she thought we would and she said no that me and the lad would end up in hospital with malnutrition before that. We said it takes more than a few days less food for real malnutrition to kick in but she didn’t look particularly comforted by it. It was the last of those calls but neither of us felt like celebrating it because it meant the end of contact between us as well.

Did I mention we fucking hate this slaver haven planet because it annihilates all humanity and predetermines everything so nothing ever changes.

February 26, 2018

”..your name is Louise. Just like the others and after those lasses will alll be Louise to.”

T’will be momentus. Happy Street, rocket house. Level II..

Almost there just waiting for us to cross the 3 mil mark and for the LED to be made after friggin Pepin made an offer we couldn’t refuse. Should be in an hour or two then we can start the four days or whatever it takes fot the little hard hat dude to change a bunch of pixels. We also have to tidy up our Tribez the civic centre is getting there but the industrial and agricultural areas are just a mess. The wedding area on the beach could do with some work to.. Past the worst when it comes to giving these distractions real cash. The odd wee couple of quid deal is cool been ending up with not enough a lot recently but its Monday and we have baccy and skins to without aggravating our aches by searching under the bed for strays.

Am just finishing the last of the milk this now though and haven’t eat a full meal in a couple of days but hopefully next week we will manage all seven days. Even though we are buying a new bed because it’s essential. And those easy how to draw books have been going down really well and there is a fairy one we can get used for a few quid so better get a warrior one for dude to. His mood has been shit today. He was all excited about a thing with the school and it ended up a big disappointment for him. He’s not getting much from us today though.

They got us the first 26th but we did better on other years. They had us for years for real but we convinced them it wasnt us for years before family got in and pulled us out but we couldn’t stay with them we would of been found and risk loosing them to. And there was to much war and investigating to do that we couldn’t do surronded by loved ones.

Not now though. The work we need to do requires being surrounded by loved ones. Body is telling us again that we are not a virgin. That theres someone a Jewish someone that everything on Earth with any recognised power is very violently against us being together some hes a human who loves me some are really petreified of some ancient propaganda against us not being a slave, us being loved and us being able to concieve, carry and parent loved and supported without regular trauma and extreme stresses.. They are a bit mammel phobic..

Daddy did say to not worry too much about the clock just yet though. Its not a real want while we are here anyway. There’s only one real want when we are here and that’s to be somewhere else.

..bound to have crossed the 3 mil mark now..

February 25, 2018

Big littles and little bigs

It hits like nicotine cravings during the worst of the withdrawal. This isnt safe, no one is ever going to take care of me here, need hugs. Over and over. Its tiring and painful so we do what we can to feel comfortable and sleep or even enjoy a distraction but we know it will hit again the moment we wake. There has been moments recently though when we are the girl swearing she would get out that room and away from those people and from being put through such horrible extremes and know she has. They said I couldn’t because I am alone. They didnt think it was possible for anyone to do anything alone never mind a breeder after everything that is done to them and everything institutionally in place to keep us down and out to clinging by our fingers. We where forced to spend lots of time with pthrt girls who never had any help and when they were training them to be like us we were watching them for how to apear us ruined as they were. It spoke to prejudices everywhere. Comforted and encouraged confidence in the worst and made us invisible.

We dont care about being invisible anymore because we don’t need it to stay alive and gather everything we needed to gather and get it where it needed to go. It must of been a ridiculous amount of work for us to still be breathing and remembering and processing.

To push ourself a little further because that’s what got us here and makes us feel better, in the early to mid nineties the Scottish woman police ring were part of trying to set up the memories of mass murder, maimings of children, gang rapes etc in our mind so that they could control over over the trauma amnesia so we would feel constantly devastated would easily dissociate so they could trigger it all to come back at once and make us unable to defend ourself. We kept an image of about 10 - 15 adults in death convulsions and used its memory as all they could trigger because we all knew it represented much more. It was just the top of a pile of memories samiliar or worse. They kept searching for talkers in us that didn’t know but never got any better than those of us who are willing to pretend. You could set up different rings of  “programmers” to undo each others work. They had taken out so much that hurt us as well as everyone who didn’t. The numbers? Over the 80s to 90s in the UK alone .. our current mind and flesh says probs 100,000s. 

February 09, 2018

Scary..really scary...

All this could disappear without warning and all that we would be left with the title and nothing else..again..

Too many scripted times of baccyless, not enough food, hungry pusses recently for the buying of any more tech. Particularly as the bed has put up with being propped up by books and shoved against the headboard its supposed to be attached to for years is finally given up. The mattress is kinda curved at the moment which is lovely and womb like but we are worried more of it will collapsed at any moment and it is hardly going to be a big trauma but the not knowing if or when isn't ideal for getting to sleep.. Don't really fancy putting on the mattress on the floor because we will have to hoover first and how will it not trigger? We will be sleeping on the mattress alone in a scary place playing stinking "at least.." games with our self. Next week its high priority though. Had to put landlord (who we accidentally paid twice) and hash guy first this week..

There is less of a need to write now that we have managed to write and shit stir our way out of our most vulnerable dissociative states, from not being to think or write about domestic abuse, to gang involvement, to state involvement and genocide. We don't fear the things we have seen and things done to us like we used to.

February 04, 2018

Getting back into a place where pain even when its not that bad is driving us mental. The boredom is also getting to us. But worst of all is being in an adult body with adult responsibilities when i feel so little and no one is helping us or even talking to us so we can feel stronger and not keep in contact with all our tortured, terrified, bitter or numb parts. Not that we thought they would. They tortured us into total dissociation and then conditioned us with Western norms and we were extremely amnesiac and didnt know the norms are fake, pretend all for show and will never be applied to us or ours. She is the one that had faith or hope in Earth authorities, she is the one that is shocked whenever something horrible is done or said to us.

She has come a long way since being told by others she was too powerful and too important to be completely amnesiac and then left to be split again. She is so angry so petrified and we struggle to reach her especially as we have nothing to say that would comfort her, she needs truth, she needs to be respected and cared for by someone else to believe there is any kind of respect or care for anything or anyone.

She is supposed to upfront all the time by herself unless instructed otherwise but that never worked really, wot they were really trying to do is force us to keep ourselves amnesiac but our very early education meant it didnt work the way they expected it to. The way it usually appears to with all their other victims. She wishes some of the norms were real or applied to her where the rest of us know and have experienced too much for dreams like that. She wants to go to uni and be a student but the rest of us know the unis are rotten and would only take from her and give nothing back. She thinks friendly Americans will be in touch sooner or latter, the rest of us know there is no friendly Americans, its just one big UK where any genuine resistance or healing is destroyed in infancy.

Stupid hopeless heartless soulless planet. Wish we could give it back to real life and nature. That would make us feel better than seeing it all destroyed but total destruction beats letting things continue as they are, total destruction would be more respectful of life than allowing the rape, theft and  slavery to continue.

Daddy, its time for me to leave here. Its time for me to live.

January 29, 2018

Hi Daddies,

The new pens arrived today we would of got them on Friday but we were out! No walks today though. We did good last week with walks, eating, teeth brushing, meds, house work.but mood has dropped and pain level has risen since then. Hopefully when we get some solids tomorrow we will start feeling better.  Hate it when we dread dude coming home from school because we will have to sound like we are ok. We probably wouldn't cook much or eat meals much though if it wasnt for him though and we usually feel better after some non junk food wish we could buy and cook more tasty healthy stuff. And there was someone else around to cook. That would be even better.

Still wading through a head full of fictions. It upsets us lots to be away from people and places that would help us sort it all out really quickly, impossible to see how there will ever br an end to it from here. We did everything we set out to do and some so that must surely have involved ending this lonely and confusing no mans land that can never feel like a home to us. We are where the horrific fascist slaver systems put us and we tried but there is just no way of forgetting that, the heartache and the constant sense of being unsafe wont let us and never has and its not like their will be any genuine social progress here there has been too much community and state wide abuse and slavery. Rape not talking about rape is what has always been socially acceptable behaviour.

But you all know that.

January 21, 2018

Vrrr Daddy.  Would love a bath we are really sore and yucky. Tomorrow is gonna be even worse than today as we are truly out of bin baccy and the hrating will be off all night tonight. We got some donated food and two fags yesterday thats something but no toilet roll.. Of course we couldn’t adjust to not relying on Niall straight away. We couldn’t let the programmers know we would of finally be able to say bye no Niall without the rings stepping in and taking us out and getting someone else to tell Niall we needed his “support” or worse force us to. Its the usual thing we dont wont to be here, the violence and horror that put us here isnt undone, it isnt addresssed or safe now we got the worst of the tech we havent made people care about care themselves and each other. We cant accept being here for another hour and day so planning a week or two weeks money is so hard. Even though we have no real sense of any justice or real change any time soon.

Thought writing might help but its just making want to smoke. We can think of you when we havent been able to here forever and we can but we just feel hate anger and everything everyone for keeping us apart and for being commited to torturing us and keeping everything stupid and evil slavers in control for ever and ever. Hope your getting stronger Daddy so you can help get me out this shit. When does my life begin Dad Im so sick of evil and stupid controling my memory and my life outside of war and taking everything we win from us and everyone who wants to live and not be handed a script and never lift their eyes from it.

When do I get to live Dad with people who love and respect me Daddy, people who are alive and want others to be alive and understand that the all the suffering down here isnt just the way things are they are the way they are because everyone is too brutalised and ignorant to understand it does not need to be like this.

When can we go home Dad? We will get food and heating on Tuesday but what about everything else we need..

January 11, 2018

Its singular isnt it not plural in the way some of us want to mean. There is a sadness with it all wee associate with having lost bits of of our mind or soul. Its not easy to look into it it feels too raw, too painful in ways we are not ready to deal with yet. So glad we do not need to keep all thoughts of you pushwd way way down and kept locked away from many of us. There was always so many trying anything to grt you to get us both so we couldnt save each other.

Will have to get a really cheap laptop for the word puke. Dont want to use tablet battry for writing to you Daddy I need it for distraction games.. my little happy street is looking wonderful, ive been raising through the tiers with my little pirates and an winter event in the hidden object game.. i am a very busy girl! Pain nasty today but picked up painkillers yesterday and its the stronger ones so they arenakint a cozy difference. They haf oz of adequate solid is going very quickly. We just miss you too much.

All those systems trying to take credit for all the work you did and do while trying to enslave and erase you was what we often ysed as an amnesia trigger, we couldn’t be among people who treated you so badly as well as me. We had work to do and ops against us to survive before we could think about you without hiding it from parts of us. It was so horrible and so lonely. There was just so much hate and so much experience of torture in everyone.

We still miss you too much but also so glad you no longer have to work as hard as upu always have. Love you. We can hold on for a bit longer... we think!

January 08, 2018

Ah Daddies if we almost get to sleep we munch to stop ourself. We colouring in again as well as rotating the games on the tablet with the unreliable battry gauge. Gonna order some new pens when we can. Saw a dragon colouring book that looked pretty cool and with simple cute little town pictures with and Christmas edition i wish we had spotted before. Lad is moaning about us not hanging out and sleeping too much during the day. We go through phases of it getting better and worse. When we get the mini game thing for the switch that should help us. Wish he was getting out and exercised more burn off some of his attitude.. his eyes are noticeably higher than mine already. Have committed to making him do tge dishes if we have had a sit down at the table meal. Hes gotta help out more for both our sakes.

Writing on phone so can see a s sentence at a time. Its a pain but need the tablet to charge more before we commit to a crusade in the pirate game it will really bug us if it shuts down mid battle. Auto save at least dnt know we use the stupid app on tge tablet lost a fair bit with it turning of and saving nothing.

School week ahead. Usual make mixed feelings about that. Gonna keep chasing weed seems more possible than hugs. 

January 05, 2018

Stoopid old tech

Keep getting lots of energy or some energy in the wee hours. Dude alarm went of stupid early so we just stayed awake. Maybe try and break the nocturnal cycle. Feeling weird and its a relief, like something is happening somewhere that will help us. Done well this morning, put washing on, took down more decorations. Just the tree and a garland in the living room to take down now, ordered prescriptions from docs, sent a jokey pointless but deadly serious text about weed. We have been hiding in games on our tablet and feeling so lost whenever battery runs out.

Goddam stupid tablet. Love the much bigger screen for games though. We were saying our bio dad is slave stock and not from round her and ze is fucking wonderful and amazing and we love them very much.  Mummy Daddy is harder to think about because he was close to our mum and they have hounded and hurt and controlled him like they do us all. There a sense of beautiful care though and huge ongoing loss.