November 24, 2014

lovely to be in body that is not tense from jaws to ankles..

Well the hoovering is still undone, the butterfly coat hooks and curtain rail still on the floor but we did meet a GP who seems pretty decent.  There wasn't any problem in getting up because we never slept.  She had  friendly chilled out manner and understood that there probably isnt much point in putting myself through exams that will be very traumatising and still find nothing wrong.  The scan back in May was fine so it might be best to focus on pain management.  We pretty much agree. Although Therapist has offered to take us to a gyny examine because she knows its inappropriate for someone with our history and DID to go through something like that alone like we always have in the past.. Its extremely difficult for us to trust the NHS anyway because of all the time spent being abused in NHS premises by NHS staff and seeing what they were doing to peoples records and during procedures. We are a long way from completely believing any test result and don't feel there is enough known even if they are genuine. She gave us some gabapentin which we are pretty sure no one has ever tried before, asked if the abuse ever caused infections (yes), gave us some diazepam with the obligatory 'we dont like prescribing these', understood that when she pressed on our tummy that it got worse after she took the pressure away and knew the latin term for heat rash. Impressed we were..

More of our amazon xmas delivery. Is it wrong that we are intending to keep the two playmobil flower fairies for ourselves? We've got the spider monkey other bits and pieces, not sure she is all that into playmobil anyway.. not as much as we are anyway!

Commented on twitter earlier about how we like Mr Men and used to think they were made to help DID kids.  Told therapist once about a wee memory from one of us, she wasnt with the cold Scottish family. She was somewhere else, dont know yet about what ever bad stuff was going on connected to that time, place and people. We just remember a woman who was looking after us opening a kitchen cupboard and asking us which of the Mr and Little Misses we were today then getting that plate out of the cupboard to put food for us on. Whoever the woman/family was they weren't as poor as the Scottish family.  There is some safety connected with it.  It would bring up lots of mixed emotions when we see Mr Men stuff. We remember that feeling of acceptance and validation of being in an environment when our plurality was accepted and being encouraged to engage and allow different parts out regardless of their gender or mood.  That never happened them with Scottish family any more than it does know. Of course anything that brought us warmth had to be stamped on so the 'that's not for me its too nice',  'Im not allowed that' 'we cant afford that' soon became the biggest response when ever we seen any.  Hate those inferior feelings but now we can challenge that so effectively with a few pennies and a couple of clicks.

Looking at stuff online today, we've wish listed a mug, DVDs but most importantly a lampshade which we think may well help us with our not wanting to spend time in our bedroom, with all its fresh paint, new carpet and cool stuff on the walls..Its too grown up but a Mr Men and Little Miss paper shade that will be sorted. Not like we will be taking any lovers any time soon! No shopping or weed this week though and not much next either. Bloody money its a stinking racket.

Think there is sister issues probably hanging about in her old room as well. Increasingly concerned she was getting 'visitors' and phonecalls not like it didn't think abut it before but it brought up so much fear that we couldn't consider it for long. Keep seeing one of the fuck ups we have named in recent months here, particularly when we are near some of the door ways. To some thats us seeing Laura's past, to others its a possible future, to others that's just entirely predictable and natural paranoia/fear of trafficked DIDer.  Whatever its source, we know feeling close to each other and as confident in our self is the best way to deal with it. Not that we are not scared, certain faces in or near our home or voices on the phone could put us right back to amnesiac, dissociated and physically very weak states but all that stuff works easier if you are already hating yourself for being victim and don't believe you are capable of defending yourself.

If some shit does happen, we will put as much of it here as we can, once whatever will happen with the police of course. After everything that happened and was said on the night of Laura's death we would call them, with concerns that doing so is part of a horrible scheme but not enough to not reach out.  Providing we are in a position to do anything of course..

..and we would be.. ;-)

Fuck it 'viaduct'

It's unlikely that people who are also triggered are going to get this far but we don't intend to mess with you with our titles. We believe trigger words lose their power to cause massive anxiety if they are talked about. Sometimes we have to blurt out the trigger to get away from muteness so we can write anything at all...

It was a Moyles and his crew thing, his show has some game or something on that they called viaduct as well. Not that we listened.. No part with any kind awareness of anything could be programmed to believe they would voluntarily listen to that shite. As Rosemount viaduct was between Aberdeen Uni and the blokes that gave me weed we passed by it and saw the sign often. Everytime for a while we would here them "yes we have a thing on our show called that, how would you know that if you don't listen?' Then the flashbacks would come. It never really stopped we got better and worse at dealing with it but the same horror would still be there is walked past Rosemount Viaduct tomorrow. When we lived just up the road it from it in 2002 it was the 2001 Torry stuff that would come back, when they stopped us from dissociating, what they did to Petey, the murder of the bloke that tried to help..

Have we written this post before? Think we tried but not sure if it was published, abandoned as a draft or deleted. Even if we did publish something no way it was as easily written as this is.

Stupid bloody pain. Been biteing and pinching to try and distract from it came very close to burning several times but we feel so crappy when we deliberate hurt ourself. Been hearing screaming to. Have label the morning alarm 'phone doc. Please' hope it works, we get an appointment and are given something that will give us a break. All three things happening seems a bit unlikely but none will if we don't phone them in the morning.

Actually a lot more tired than thought possible considering the time we got up at. Still don't want to close eyes and feel parts replaying good sex to distract from excruicating rape & torture memories and coz they are lonely and miss people desperately. 

All that watching House has thinking about Savile and the hospitals. Waking up from general anaesthetic in settings that seems like normal hospital, recovery ward. What the fuck did they do to me? Was just being sewed back together? Objects extracted? 

November 23, 2014

'a title that isnt an obvious trigger'

Feeling pretty good. Caught up on some sleep, not during the night of course.. Junior woke us after 10, remember telling him to get himself some breakfast then closing our eyes just for a minute or two. When we opened them again it was half past two.  Looks like its been a nice day to. Not the junior minds obviously or he wouldnt of let us sleep all that time. Have vague sense of smiling as we heard him chat to his ds game in between non traumatic day time dreams..

Had a couple of littles/less educated parts writing and scribbling last night. Often feel wholer and less anxious after. There was also an internal commitment to let littles out more and readiness from more parts to engage in therapy more. A little more crumbling away of the wall between the internal and external world. Less 'we cant do that', 'thats not allowed', 'we are not allowed' and the solid white mute fear. They are ready to try EMDR and others are ready to let them.

 Feels very liberating to look at scribbles or be aware of mind contents and have a much better understanding of what the fuck is going on. Not just  thinking I am a bit mad or knowing that it makes sense on some level I am not currently conscious of, which usually means ongoing involvement in ancient dark secretive shit that 'I' am not think, speak or write about without outside instruction.  A bit better at being able to identify different parts, not the level other fabulous DIDers on twitter can do but thats just coz systems as unique as individuals. We seem to have levels of co-consciousness that others dont, thats why we dont get the black outs to the degree others do.  Programmed for different functions, different aspects of victims personalities that may jeopardise operations that had to hammered out, turned against us.

The human centre, that was great at resisting programming, grooming and internalising that we were writing about yesterday was called 'Nature' by some, after an external friend said that humanitarianism was our true nature.. although 'militant hippy' seems more accurate to some.  She wasn't an EP we remember her being around when the body was little, she grew older, learned, developed. Until some point in the early mid 90s.  She must of somehow come back after Ferris abused beautiful baby newborn Rosa to death and Coulson and co's 'You will always be 12'.  Thinking about it now it was the 'you will always be 12', the Dream Team and their military intel support stuff that pushed her away. It just took a few years.

We cant elaborate but the award given to Blair by Save The Children makes us think/remember that Save The Children should be investigated for being riddled with and/or run by abusers as well as the NSPCC.  Its chilling now to think of child protection charities being run by people who participate in the activities that their charities are supposed to be challenging.  Remembering how that felt as a child though..  How does one move on from that when the individuals, organisations and institutions involved have not been effectively challenged or exposed when we are not in a position to do anything and there are no systems currently in place that can?

Pain has gotten worse since we woke up but we are not beating ourselves up about it.  Just swearing lots when we go up or down the stairs or have to bend down.  School day tomorrow and will need the time alone so he's going, hopefully but not necessarily for 9am... Looking forward to getting some of the stuff we didnt get done this weekend done tomorrow.  We have a butterfly coat hooks to put up, a curtain rail to fix and might even start putting up some of the big pile of nature inspired wall stickers that were bought coz they were cute and cheap.  Generally not a fan of writing on indoor walls but have you seen the Dr Suess ones? OMG..

Saturday Night

hey off all the trigger phrases & manipulated thought process we have in our heid this now thats the best we can do..

With therapist the other day, she has asked a few times about parts causing the pain and if its possible to ask parts to stop.  It always feels like its not like that, like that is a simplification way too far.  We have said before that its programmes, you cant 'talk' to a programme. It has to be instructions, steps in the only language the programme recognises. You can shout 'off' to a computer all you like but its bloody stupid if the thing doesn't have any voice recognition or that function has been turned off. or the thing isnt even plugged in. Its not good to ask parts who have no idea how to cause pain in the body if they know anything about it, makes them feel unknown, confused. The parts that can do stuff like that, if any dont respond from questions from us or from a therapist, they are not personalities, they are operations.  Completely created by the worst torture and control experts and teams, completely out of our reach.  

When we were challenging it when it was ongoing we found that keeping human, loving trusting ourself, our heart and intelligence, staying centred on warm feelings and hopeful without total denial but accepting that some denial was inevitable. It kind of relates to what we were on about the other day, the co-consciousness of simultaneously feeling the innocence, their simple thought processes that never learned no matter how much the same people tortured her, hearing her words whilst knowing exactly what was going on but being unable to communicate with the innocent simple parts or the outside world. It was obvious the stay centred, stay human, stay smart approach worked well so they separated me into an understanding that cant move and upfront parts that cant process experiences and have very low IQ.  That too is probs an over simplification but doesnt feel wrong.. at the mo anyway. 

 There isnt any recollection of ever getting back to that strong place. Ever.  We were most likely getting love, compassion, affection, respect from outside sources. We kept most parts amnesiac of this so there was less chance of them talking about it at a time and place that would mean it would be destroyed.  They found out though, eventually. There was no more warm centre but there was a lot of hate and rage that we did are best to direct to guilty parties and not other victims or passersby. We did a not to bad job, we are here writing this after all.

Back to the pain, which hasn't been there so much as we have written this.  There is a big strong sense that discloser, detailed discloser will help with the chronicness.  A lot of wariness of that because of the abusers therapists, police, jurnos and others that encouraged detailed discloser coz they got off on it. One of the many aspects of  the myriad of grooming and exploitation techniques that whacks us in the face whenever we try to move forward, like standing on a rake but there doesn't seem to be any where to step that isnt a rake.. *drags ass off couch* SMACK

Therapist worries about how much the pain means withdrawal and isolation. But so does our need to mourn, to slow ease parts away from the frozen in terror, to just think, feel, remember, process in peace. And so does all the crappy, brutal and ignorant culture out there.  And the fact that we are so often a bairn and it feels so unsafe to be around people.  She also said she was concerned with the stuckness that there has been this year and concerned we didnt feel sessions where'nt therapeutic.  Hope we reassured her that having someone there for us is massively therapeutic, even if she is frustrated with the lack of apparent progress!

November 20, 2014

Happy Littles

Little, sore but pretty happy. Pain is hardly a surprise since yesterday the woodwork down stairs wasn't even preped but has been painted since about 10 last night.  Its beautiful.  Going to be even more beautiful when stickers, hooks and everything is up on wall. Gonna tweet a couple of pics when its down and say 'Can't believe we live here. 'It' 'hur' lives here .. and not just kept here..'
Put in that big order the other night.  Its the bairns first Christmas without there mum, want to make sure they feel loved and keep them distracted!

Mother agreed to keep wee man for another sleep so we can stay little or whatever, thank god! Not that we said that was why we wanted her to keep him of course.. Said we were really sore and kids, school uniforms and sticky gloss paint not a good combo. There is wood between floor coverings between rooms that was dark stained and paint splattered. Already stood on the kitchen one in socks twice.  Cant afford any more paint for like a fortnight.. Darg. On our own without coz our mate is a postie and you see them through late November or all of December. We are going to have to negotiate the ladder/scaffolding all by our little self. Yikes. Gonna be so amazing.

November 18, 2014

Love the good bits.

Camping out in the living room again. The temporary curtain pole came down before we have been able to coordinate ourselves into fixing it.  The bedroom is too perfect. Too ice. Something not quite right.  We will get it more lived in when the time is right.  At moment we need the telly and the comfort of a decent sofa without the triggers, pressure and anxiety about going to bed.

Our little cute little castle town is coming along lovely, its charmed quite a few littles, all of us seem to using to practice patience with varying success..We've made a list of Christmas presents for the external bairns, more than we can afford but we have seen stuff and Amazon disappear before and we wont have to think about Xmas for a good while..Its all stuff that we have thought about and want to give them, nothing over a tenner but quality little stuff.  Think it will definitely make us even happier to actually check the list out, it was lovely choosing stuff.  When it arrives and wrapping it will all be great to and we are reasonably sure our choices arnt too off, hopefully.  Something for us to of course, a forest fairy. Also eyeing up vintage moterbike adds.. yum. Externals first with the shopping this week though.. :o)

Happiness is good.

Moving forward with the additional info for Jersey statement.  Good progress, taking it easy on our selfs.  We need to explain the voice in the original statement, that means explaining our DID. We also need to answer the questions she couldn't answer at the time about our back ground. Of course, the additional information for the 'abuse on mainland' and 'abuse on Jersey' sections is not an immediate concern.. A fair bit more processing, acceptance, mourning, hurting etc., before we will be producing any coherent approximation of events.. It's there though and so are the parts that can get us through the worst of the horrors we return to when the thickest of the amnesia walls come down.  They had to use their worst stuff to break apart our strongest parts. Getting in touch with them and the best parts of us getting in touch with each other again makes the memories survivable.  We know we have to get through it. They are so worth fighting for.

Gonna buy those presents. There is talk of finally starting to finish the downstairs.. we shall see.

All is good. If a bit understandably wobbly.  Long may the weed last..


November 16, 2014

Do not read lightly..

It has continued to be a bit of an onslaught. But we at kitchen table. Jazz radio on. medicinals and coffee in hand. All the horror memories are starting to link hands because the parts of myself that hold them are reaching out to each other. The is lots in the joins between the worst that was and still is positive.  Obvious to see we have levelled up against denial.  Its rock solid entirly necesarly denial some of it though so we wont know how much there is until we get through it if ever do. The pain shows us so much it doesn't gloss over or get distracted it just give it, as it was, as complete as was consciously experienced at the time.  A time when there was no numbing, or amnesiac switches, unless it was wanted by them though.  The fuck do I call them. They said 'owners' 'masters' 'pimp'  and whatever of course but we don't use their terminology. Decades of media, state, crime, intelligence supported organised efforts to experiment with enslaving whole familes, areas, classes of people, industries, whoever they wanted makes from some really sick puppies with lots of time, encouragement, freedom and resources to specialise and flourish.  There wasn't much being trafficked out of the house at the time in 2000-2001 that is never far from our day states.  Some names already mentioned. Some not.  Wasn't in any state for being painted and dressed up, it was all about pain, being repeated told how by them I was an object, their object. Not human, and had to agree to saying that and repeating whatever they said and do whatever they said no matter how disgusting, painful, degrading. Trained like the dogs some of them trained for fighting, fucking and slaughter.  When I was taken out our flat it was to places were there was crowds of rapists, all drugged up on some horrific shit. Paying each other and making bets about what they could or couldn't get us to do, what they could get each other to do. Telly faces, crimelords, porn extremists and whoever I had stupidly talked to, smiled at, or thought kindly of. There was a check succession of them in small groups, paid for the access and know how, skills set. Struggles of course between the worst of the sick fuckers with the usual scenes, usually winning until it became obvious to a whole other bunch that yes they really were going to kill me and it eventually got quieter after lots of money crossed from human hands to a system that made us, and the McCanns, and Jimmy Savile, and the Corrie Cunts, and ALL those DJs.. And Leon Britain, And Cyril Smith, and a whole buch of other stuff that if you are looking for 'evidence; out there and not on here you wont of heard any mention of any where.