November 22, 2014

Weedless... Your all cunts!!!

Littles not as full time happy without the medicinal psychoactive smokes.  Back to treacle life.  Caught up with dishes. Picked up and fed bairns (and self) got them to bed. Didnt cancel therapist. Had a shower!! So not a total non day.  Wish we hadn't gone back to eating and sleeping being something we avoid. Its such a tricky cycle to get out of, junk food and only going to bed in the early hours or staying on the sofa.  Feeling that our nerves cant take any more dreams. Often a sense that its not the past horrors  and confusion, the present difficulties or future that terrifies us its the physical isolation.  Our conscious core, not the parts that can communicate and access any of us and know the earliest grooming and the programming that is most hard wired but the core that came about in disgust that all was happening knowing that it was all very wrong knew we wouldn't survive if relied on other people.  Not sure if it will ever be possible to turn that off.  We didnt want to be cold and destroy the hope and trust of parts that wanted to companionship, to love and be loved that humanitarianism is as a big and as important as the self reliance and the need to be anything but an abuser or another silent tool.  We knew how much the cunts in the networks knew all about that innocence and how easy and 'fun' it was to exploit and torture. We decided it was better that they broke us rather than do it myself.  No fun to know all that was being planned for us, to be so conscious, so present through so much of the horror all the agonies and loss and know there was decades of it ahead of us and there was nothing I could do to stop it.  Nothing anything any of us could do, nothing we could say to anyone of any amount of 'power' and 'influence' or 'contacts' would stop it, everything was on rails. Where those rails are taking everyone 'I' dont know but we believe someone in here does. But maybe its just programming that makes us believe that.

Wish people would grow up, wake up, get brave and see things as they are.  Your all guilty people, with your consumer choices, your attitudes to violence, sex, gender, race & class. The shit you read, the shit you watch, the music you pay for and the shitty people you tolerate in your lives. Your all enabling, your paying to keep people as slaves, as subhuman objects to do whatever anyone wants to do to us and take whatever they fancy and to keep the slave owners in power and above the law. They are flaunting it, like they flaunted what they did to me and mine and many others. But it doesn't matter what you have seen, what you know until someone who has an approval stamp has simplified, edited it and written it up in a style you've have been told is appropriate.




November 20, 2014

Happy Littles

Little, sore but pretty happy. Pain is hardly a surprise since yesterday the woodwork down stairs wasn't even preped but has been painted since about 10 last night.  Its beautiful.  Going to be even more beautiful when stickers, hooks and everything is up on wall. Gonna tweet a couple of pics when its down and say 'Can't believe we live here. 'It' 'hur' lives here .. and not just kept here..'
Put in that big order the other night.  Its the bairns first Christmas without there mum, want to make sure they feel loved and keep them distracted!

Mother agreed to keep wee man for another sleep so we can stay little or whatever, thank god! Not that we said that was why we wanted her to keep him of course.. Said we were really sore and kids, school uniforms and sticky gloss paint not a good combo. There is wood between floor coverings between rooms that was dark stained and paint splattered. Already stood on the kitchen one in socks twice.  Cant afford any more paint for like a fortnight.. Darg. On our own without coz our mate is a postie and you see them through late November or all of December. We are going to have to negotiate the ladder/scaffolding all by our little self. Yikes. Gonna be so amazing.



November 18, 2014

Love the good bits.

Camping out in the living room again. The temporary curtain pole came down before we have been able to coordinate ourselves into fixing it.  The bedroom is too perfect. Too ice. Something not quite right.  We will get it more lived in when the time is right.  At moment we need the telly and the comfort of a decent sofa without the triggers, pressure and anxiety about going to bed.

Our little cute little castle town is coming along lovely, its charmed quite a few littles, all of us seem to using to practice patience with varying success..We've made a list of Christmas presents for the external bairns, more than we can afford but we have seen stuff and Amazon disappear before and we wont have to think about Xmas for a good while..Its all stuff that we have thought about and want to give them, nothing over a tenner but quality little stuff.  Think it will definitely make us even happier to actually check the list out, it was lovely choosing stuff.  When it arrives and wrapping it will all be great to and we are reasonably sure our choices arnt too off, hopefully.  Something for us to of course, a forest fairy. Also eyeing up vintage moterbike adds.. yum. Externals first with the shopping this week though.. :o)

Happiness is good.

Moving forward with the additional info for Jersey statement.  Good progress, taking it easy on our selfs.  We need to explain the voice in the original statement, that means explaining our DID. We also need to answer the questions she couldn't answer at the time about our back ground. Of course, the additional information for the 'abuse on mainland' and 'abuse on Jersey' sections is not an immediate concern.. A fair bit more processing, acceptance, mourning, hurting etc., before we will be producing any coherent approximation of events.. It's there though and so are the parts that can get us through the worst of the horrors we return to when the thickest of the amnesia walls come down.  They had to use their worst stuff to break apart our strongest parts. Getting in touch with them and the best parts of us getting in touch with each other again makes the memories survivable.  We know we have to get through it. They are so worth fighting for.

Gonna buy those presents. There is talk of finally starting to finish the downstairs.. we shall see.

All is good. If a bit understandably wobbly.  Long may the weed last..

  

November 16, 2014

Do not read lightly..

It has continued to be a bit of an onslaught. But we at kitchen table. Jazz radio on. medicinals and coffee in hand. All the horror memories are starting to link hands because the parts of myself that hold them are reaching out to each other. The is lots in the joins between the worst that was and still is positive.  Obvious to see we have levelled up against denial.  Its rock solid entirly necesarly denial some of it though so we wont know how much there is until we get through it if ever do. The pain shows us so much it doesn't gloss over or get distracted it just give it, as it was, as complete as was consciously experienced at the time.  A time when there was no numbing, or amnesiac switches, unless it was wanted by them though.  The fuck do I call them. They said 'owners' 'masters' 'pimp'  and whatever of course but we don't use their terminology. Decades of media, state, crime, intelligence supported organised efforts to experiment with enslaving whole familes, areas, classes of people, industries, whoever they wanted makes from some really sick puppies with lots of time, encouragement, freedom and resources to specialise and flourish.  There wasn't much being trafficked out of the house at the time in 2000-2001 that is never far from our day states.  Some names already mentioned. Some not.  Wasn't in any state for being painted and dressed up, it was all about pain, being repeated told how by them I was an object, their object. Not human, and had to agree to saying that and repeating whatever they said and do whatever they said no matter how disgusting, painful, degrading. Trained like the dogs some of them trained for fighting, fucking and slaughter.  When I was taken out our flat it was to places were there was crowds of rapists, all drugged up on some horrific shit. Paying each other and making bets about what they could or couldn't get us to do, what they could get each other to do. Telly faces, crimelords, porn extremists and whoever I had stupidly talked to, smiled at, or thought kindly of. There was a check succession of them in small groups, paid for the access and know how, skills set. Struggles of course between the worst of the sick fuckers with the usual scenes, usually winning until it became obvious to a whole other bunch that yes they really were going to kill me and it eventually got quieter after lots of money crossed from human hands to a system that made us, and the McCanns, and Jimmy Savile, and the Corrie Cunts, and ALL those DJs.. And Leon Britain, And Cyril Smith, and a whole buch of other stuff that if you are looking for 'evidence; out there and not on here you wont of heard any mention of any where.







November 15, 2014

..November..

Bloody buses.  They do they job in the end though, even if its possible to cross a half the planet in the time it takes to pop in to your pals in the next town..

Ended up having a some food, wine & smokes with 'mom'.  Wasnt too bad. talked about how there is only so much of her daughters stuff I can go throw and/or bin my self.  It was when we said 'what do I do with her red shoes' that we got her attention.  She suggested we have a night when she and the kids go through what we have left. It sounded lovely at the time, the bairns shouldn't feel like we forgetting all about their mum. Now its later we are thinking that is cool but she is avoiding spending any time with Laura's stuff, her space on her own, childless with us.

Shes not particularly triggering us at the moment though we are not seeing enough of her and when we do its mostly associated with childfree hours ourself.. We are triggered out from pain, trauma processing and being an intelligent female who is aware of popular culture.

Back to having a laptop. Mum has one but held on to this one for a while, for the kids which was fine. We had Laura's house & contents to sort out so wasn't volunteering to go through her C drive to.. seemed to have done enough for decent functions atm.. Not gonna treat this one like its a wad of paper that can be chucked down or stood on. .. much more space now to.

Apparently, this came from mum talking to Psychosis the other week, Dad has been taking time of work and not getting out of bed.. and the bairns dad told mum that he seemed to have forgotten the phonecall with mum where she told him she didnt want the kids going up there for Xmas day.  To many of us have spotted to many of them bullshiting to often to really take much of it to serious.  We are getting though the rawness and

Obvs relief that mum was firm on something..

A bairn is for life not just for Christmas.


...

In therapy and during moments when we are relativity self aware and feeling strong enough to not dissociate, deny or rationalise when triggered.  We dont ditch each other like we always have. Integration'. not in the parts merging kind of way but in terms of amnesiac walls coming down without if causing system failure, panic attacks and amnesia. Been close though! So much fear. Feels so fabulous to get a break from it :-)














Never sleep again

Nightmares all last night.  Not the utter terror kind just the excluded from society kind, was refused service in Tesco and think saw a murder, or murdered earlier on in the night, other stuff to we cant remember, all disturbing and unsettling.  Been feeling weird this evening, awake REMing which isnt too big  problem it often soothes us except for knowing that my brain is hiding heaps of serious shit from me and it wont all be related to the past.  All that programming, not just about how we remember and our ability to talk about the past it also aimed at controlling future behaviour at specific times in very specific ways.  There's been tremors and twitching with associated intrusive memories too, revolting stuff. Someone's terrified of Children in Need after show parties.  Someone feeling guilty about how the tremors and seizures were used by abusers to aid their gratification and they maybe faked them sometimes to give them what they want so they would go away again. Someone cant bare the dreams and nightmares and wants desperately to never sleep again. Someone is asking for help in Italian.

Hate how the pain stops all activities, stuff we want to do like keeping on top of house work, decorating, getting on with the Jersey statement.  Worst of all is how it makes us feel so distant from Junior, all the normal day to day normal fun parenting stuff that is so much harder or just not possible.  Hate how it puts us back in the same place, feeling the same hopelessness, writing the same things, over and over.

The bairns tool of a dad is down for his monthly visit which kind of scares and sickens us, only partly because it means the spider monkey goes back to treating us like we incinerated her teddy bear blanket.  We haven't but when did wash it for her after we found it covered in her mum's bloody vomit.  Her dad didnt. Coz he was a job and finds things difficult.  Prick.

All misery and inactively maybe transformed tomorrow if the promise of the usual works out.  Then we will clean our big kitchen then sit at our table with Alkysis's old laptop and write, some jazz or blues on the radio and smoke away all the bad dreams.






November 12, 2014

Chronic

Still not any further forward with the pain. Makes us feel so little and desperate. That earnest and honest little girl that is in so much physical pain and knows without any doubt that what people are doing to her is very wrong or the wrong time. She can't understand it and believes if she told the right person the right way it all would stop and she would be taken somewhere safe and looked after properly. She blames herself when she tells someone and nothing changes, must of used the wrong words. She can't believe that when people hurt her after she asks them for help that they choose to. They must be controled by all that government/gangster stuff. They must be programmed. Why else would anyone do that?

We remember where we were when we realised that no one was going to help. When we switched from spending lots if time as that honest hopeful child to one that trusts no one and expects the worst from everyone.  Who cynicaly protects herself by keeping a naive amnesiac part up front so people didn't know that we knew. We did a lot of thinking and talking there under a tree on the edge of the wood behind the house. Must of been around 1986. It wasn't summer but it wasn't winter either. Spring I think. 

All respect to people who function with chronic pain. Not something we have mastered or want to because of all these of having to block it out or carry on doing what we were told to do because we would be hurt even worse if we didn't. And it was already unbareable and all the time. 

Must be sickening for kids living lives like that now that are aware of the inquires. So hard for them to ever believe things will change or that they are valued and cared about.