February 04, 2018

Getting back into a place where pain even when its not that bad is driving us mental. The boredom is also getting to us. But worst of all is being in an adult body with adult responsibilities when i feel so little and no one is helping us or even talking to us so we can feel stronger and not keep in contact with all our tortured, terrified, bitter or numb parts. Not that we thought they would. They tortured us into total dissociation and then conditioned us with Western norms and we were extremely amnesiac and didnt know the norms are fake, pretend all for show and will never be applied to us or ours. She is the one that had faith or hope in Earth authorities, she is the one that is shocked whenever something horrible is done or said to us.

She has come a long way since being told by others she was too powerful and too important to be completely amnesiac and then left to be split again. She is so angry so petrified and we struggle to reach her especially as we have nothing to say that would comfort her, she needs truth, she needs to be respected and cared for by someone else to believe there is any kind of respect or care for anything or anyone.

She is supposed to upfront all the time by herself unless instructed otherwise but that never worked really, wot they were really trying to do is force us to keep ourselves amnesiac but our very early education meant it didnt work the way they expected it to. The way it usually appears to with all their other victims. She wishes some of the norms were real or applied to her where the rest of us know and have experienced too much for dreams like that. She wants to go to uni and be a student but the rest of us know the unis are rotten and would only take from her and give nothing back. She thinks friendly Americans will be in touch sooner or latter, the rest of us know there is no friendly Americans, its just one big UK where any genuine resistance or healing is destroyed in infancy.

Stupid hopeless heartless soulless planet. Wish we could give it back to real life and nature. That would make us feel better than seeing it all destroyed but total destruction beats letting things continue as they are, total destruction would be more respectful of life than allowing the rape, theft and  slavery to continue.

Daddy, its time for me to leave here. Its time for me to live.

January 29, 2018

Hi Daddies,

The new pens arrived today we would of got them on Friday but we were out! No walks today though. We did good last week with walks, eating, teeth brushing, meds, house work.but mood has dropped and pain level has risen since then. Hopefully when we get some solids tomorrow we will start feeling better.  Hate it when we dread dude coming home from school because we will have to sound like we are ok. We probably wouldn't cook much or eat meals much though if it wasnt for him though and we usually feel better after some non junk food wish we could buy and cook more tasty healthy stuff. And there was someone else around to cook. That would be even better.

Still wading through a head full of fictions. It upsets us lots to be away from people and places that would help us sort it all out really quickly, impossible to see how there will ever br an end to it from here. We did everything we set out to do and some so that must surely have involved ending this lonely and confusing no mans land that can never feel like a home to us. We are where the horrific fascist slaver systems put us and we tried but there is just no way of forgetting that, the heartache and the constant sense of being unsafe wont let us and never has and its not like their will be any genuine social progress here there has been too much community and state wide abuse and slavery. Rape not talking about rape is what has always been socially acceptable behaviour.

But you all know that.

January 21, 2018

Vrrr Daddy.  Would love a bath we are really sore and yucky. Tomorrow is gonna be even worse than today as we are truly out of bin baccy and the hrating will be off all night tonight. We got some donated food and two fags yesterday thats something but no toilet roll.. Of course we couldn’t adjust to not relying on Niall straight away. We couldn’t let the programmers know we would of finally be able to say bye no Niall without the rings stepping in and taking us out and getting someone else to tell Niall we needed his “support” or worse force us to. Its the usual thing we dont wont to be here, the violence and horror that put us here isnt undone, it isnt addresssed or safe now we got the worst of the tech we havent made people care about care themselves and each other. We cant accept being here for another hour and day so planning a week or two weeks money is so hard. Even though we have no real sense of any justice or real change any time soon.

Thought writing might help but its just making want to smoke. We can think of you when we havent been able to here forever and we can but we just feel hate anger and everything everyone for keeping us apart and for being commited to torturing us and keeping everything stupid and evil slavers in control for ever and ever. Hope your getting stronger Daddy so you can help get me out this shit. When does my life begin Dad Im so sick of evil and stupid controling my memory and my life outside of war and taking everything we win from us and everyone who wants to live and not be handed a script and never lift their eyes from it.

When do I get to live Dad with people who love and respect me Daddy, people who are alive and want others to be alive and understand that the all the suffering down here isnt just the way things are they are the way they are because everyone is too brutalised and ignorant to understand it does not need to be like this.

When can we go home Dad? We will get food and heating on Tuesday but what about everything else we need..

January 11, 2018

Its singular isnt it not plural in the way some of us want to mean. There is a sadness with it all wee associate with having lost bits of of our mind or soul. Its not easy to look into it it feels too raw, too painful in ways we are not ready to deal with yet. So glad we do not need to keep all thoughts of you pushwd way way down and kept locked away from many of us. There was always so many trying anything to grt you to get us both so we couldnt save each other.

Will have to get a really cheap laptop for the word puke. Dont want to use tablet battry for writing to you Daddy I need it for distraction games.. my little happy street is looking wonderful, ive been raising through the tiers with my little pirates and an winter event in the hidden object game.. i am a very busy girl! Pain nasty today but picked up painkillers yesterday and its the stronger ones so they arenakint a cozy difference. They haf oz of adequate solid is going very quickly. We just miss you too much.

All those systems trying to take credit for all the work you did and do while trying to enslave and erase you was what we often ysed as an amnesia trigger, we couldn’t be among people who treated you so badly as well as me. We had work to do and ops against us to survive before we could think about you without hiding it from parts of us. It was so horrible and so lonely. There was just so much hate and so much experience of torture in everyone.

We still miss you too much but also so glad you no longer have to work as hard as upu always have. Love you. We can hold on for a bit longer... we think!

January 08, 2018

Ah Daddies if we almost get to sleep we munch to stop ourself. We colouring in again as well as rotating the games on the tablet with the unreliable battry gauge. Gonna order some new pens when we can. Saw a dragon colouring book that looked pretty cool and with simple cute little town pictures with and Christmas edition i wish we had spotted before. Lad is moaning about us not hanging out and sleeping too much during the day. We go through phases of it getting better and worse. When we get the mini game thing for the switch that should help us. Wish he was getting out and exercised more burn off some of his attitude.. his eyes are noticeably higher than mine already. Have committed to making him do tge dishes if we have had a sit down at the table meal. Hes gotta help out more for both our sakes.

Writing on phone so can see a s sentence at a time. Its a pain but need the tablet to charge more before we commit to a crusade in the pirate game it will really bug us if it shuts down mid battle. Auto save at least dnt know we use the stupid app on tge tablet lost a fair bit with it turning of and saving nothing.

School week ahead. Usual make mixed feelings about that. Gonna keep chasing weed seems more possible than hugs. 

January 05, 2018

Stoopid old tech

Keep getting lots of energy or some energy in the wee hours. Dude alarm went of stupid early so we just stayed awake. Maybe try and break the nocturnal cycle. Feeling weird and its a relief, like something is happening somewhere that will help us. Done well this morning, put washing on, took down more decorations. Just the tree and a garland in the living room to take down now, ordered prescriptions from docs, sent a jokey pointless but deadly serious text about weed. We have been hiding in games on our tablet and feeling so lost whenever battery runs out.

Goddam stupid tablet. Love the much bigger screen for games though. We were saying our bio dad is slave stock and not from round her and ze is fucking wonderful and amazing and we love them very much.  Mummy Daddy is harder to think about because he was close to our mum and they have hounded and hurt and controlled him like they do us all. There a sense of beautiful care though and huge ongoing loss.


Its January Daddy. Another reason why we do Christmas/Winter fest is cause of what January is like. It would maybe make sense if people saved the Xmas dough and went away in January if the live vaguely North.. We are kinda crying about taking the decorations down and running out of rubbish hash. Its not too rubbish at the moment its not the quality has improved we  are just back in a place where we need it. Lots of it. We have been chasing weed from a prick and have asked for more crappy hash. If we can't have hugs from you or anyone else who has looked after us then we really need the smokes or we are just lost and alone and don't know who or what we are waiting for. With it we might patch up the paint in the kitchen or at least not feel like crying all the time cause if that coldness inside that won't go away.

And we still don't have healthcare without horrible risk and huge triggers. Other dad wants to know if your going to try help us daddy. Particularly with the healthcare and the hugs. Asap.

January 03, 2018


Past the wishing someone else had already taking down and into seeing them as oh so pretty and wishing it could last forever. Whatever was done to force the "Daddy" imprint on us was severe and repeated and depended on a massive system. They hooked it up to the British and Scottish systems that keep us here. They did a marvellous job of keeping us mute on the details across our system and for a long time. We knew detangling it was very essential to our survival and not to look at the losses while they were ongoing or we wouldn't be able to continue. And we were very committed to not dying.

Poor America. No one has anything to say to you. We have all said it all before in every way we could back when it could actually make a difference. But you were so confident in your people that nothing anything anyone did or said would make any difference. You were America you were young and special and rich and knew the secrets no one else knew and telling you you were being utterly handled and played just made you more committed.

We would of been much better if it wasn't happening. There was so much wonderfulness in our life and they had to stop it. And they did. Took any sense of well being away from us for a very long time. We have only ever gotten glimpses of it back and it took a long time and work to get even that. Glimpses is all we needed though to remember a fuller spectrum of who we are and where we have been and start to chip endlessly away a the amnesia they forced on us so much it became us, refusing to let go on life and utterly dissociated. There isnt really any other way to be while we are here that is.

Here's to this year though..

December 29, 2017


Dreams were pretty awful but seconds after we woke the Asda guy was at the door with more booze and munchies and its been snowing Daddy.. So know we have spliff, boozy tea and a beautiful view we didn't have yesterday without having to go any where. Yesterday we started writing about how we've been remembering you last year, how you couldn't believe both me and my sister were still alive, how we feel so scared and overwhelmed whenever you say you want to look after us because we are scared that will never happen. But it was on this tablet because Laura's old computer charge cable has been tripped over so many times its not charging any more and we hadn't saved when the battery went without warning and we lost the whole thing. Hope you can remember anything you need from it from when we told you that would happened.. It kinda bugged we liked the post. The early benefits went in early and its been pretty good. Thinking about you and sis. Mostly you it seems to be easier this now to think of you than sis. The Scottish scenes that keep us down where always about "where is your sister?" And it was made pretty clear we weren't going to get much support in surviving it from anywhere.

Love you half Jewish Daddy. Hope you are OK and we can see you soon.

December 27, 2017


We're doing well.. Although we did forget again that Pabs  doesn't like gammon.. And its Friday the benefits go in of course not today or tomorrow which is a bummer cause wee have one nip of brandy left and not much milk and of course no crappy hash to help us manage the loneliness. Need to try and get a decent lump on Friday, another New Year with no one to hug but one ten year old who we were forced to carry and keep after making it impossible for me to keep every other child the forced us to have so the fascists and the capitalists can use him to manipulate us is kinda crappy.

Got on to him about his attitude a few times today. We found the first "actually mummy" kinda cute but that was years and years ago and the older he gets the more the way he speaks to me upsets and angers us. Getting him to do a little but here and there to help us but getting a kid whose routine involves bugger all chores to start doing some is work as well.

We can feel ourself searching for contact, scanning for signs of hope don't think we have found much yet as our mood is dropping. Think tomorrow will be tricky.  Hope we don't get too snappy with the lad, its not his fault he was made to be a weapon against his mums. Not much feels real but hate and slavery but we watched some movies with the lad and knew they would get to us. Big Hero Six and Home Alone. Hate it when we loose all outer skins to watching films with the lad. Our littles get quite distraught about Pabs  being brought up to remember and know nothing about who and what I am and the real nature of the entertainment industry and our relationship to it. The rest of us do our best to stay dissociated or mindful.

..Can we phone home yet without them tracing the call to destroy or enslave anything that loves us?.. I'm not sure we can remember how to from here. Its terrifying. We don't want to wait for an emergency or life in danger type situation to trigger reality over programming but after so many years here of being flatlined or having to pretend we have been flatlined we can't get in touch with our usness. Its so fucking cruel all this.

We do love having the house all decorated though and its so cool that so many Christmas songs make us smile and feel better despite everything.

December 26, 2017

..three no shows, too much fucking house and a cat that wont shut the fuck up..

Music keeps our mood up. Music and brandy. It wasn't too bad. Still wished we could stay in bed and smoke and people can in and hug us and keep kitchen clean for us. We always struggle with tiredness and overwhelmedness on xmas morning, well all mornings. It's a shame for the dude but he's older and more used to it. He was very excited to bring me the present he bought for us with cash we gave him. Bath bomb and a Rainbow Dash that can be coloured in. But best of all is a unicorn that lights up when you press it's hoof..

Steak, turkey crown, pastry clouds (used the cookie cutter. the cookies were a disaster..) roast yams, corn on the cob for the lad, creamed tatties, gravy of course. It was pretty fabulous. Did well with feasting. There's a good bit of meat to cook in freezer. We have the kitchen all nice its cool to cook in it and have sit down meals with the lad with candles and everything. It is better just us and its been the less stressful one with the lad by far. Still need hugs though. The brandy and tunes keep us warm despite that though.

We have swung back on the existence of "Jon Stewert" who isn't a US made social control bot. There was another one.. he listened to us and gave up on his US ID there was no other way to survive but then the only way for him to survive was for him to be switched back and pretty much loose everything he had learned in his years of being a non US human. We let these swings happen without too much resistance now. There isn't any plans that depend on me being in a particular place on those spectrums to work. We don't swing on a general perspective on what the American media is those. It's all a lot like the BBC. Or the horrific total hold that everything cold and ignorant has on US populations. So many years of having run versions of reality on myself and others that meant we could believe things that are complete fictions one second and then be grounded in nothing but real experience and truth the next. So tiring.

We fell asleep on the couch watching Its a Wonderful Life and got dreams pushing forward teenage parts that want nothing else but to be young and study hard and work hard. They are programmed to be never far because it breaks our heart to have and to have had such simple dreams but for them to be so horribly and completely annihilated. For fucks sake all we wanted was to just be and to see where that got us and everyone else.  It's a dream that was forced on us just to be denied. Where we were from we knew there was no "being yourself" especially if you are like me and especially if you are like me and here now. So fucking satanic. Giving people dreams then making sure the apparatus that makes all those dreams impossible is kept in tact. So Western. So heartless. So fucking typical.

Out of crappy hash and chocolate. Think new year early money goes in the day after tomorrow though so we get a decent lump of the shitey stuff then. It's better than nothing and maybe there will be the chance of something green and stinky and chocolate of various standards and prices will definitely be available in the shops.

Gonna do our best to keep mood up. It's more possible and real with the isolation but without people who freak us out. You never need a friend more than when you are in a house filled with people or even just a person who deny and hate everything you are. The lads total amnesia and ignorance but me, himself, reality in general triggers and upsets us less when it just comes from him and isn't coming from Niall and Johnstons as well. Still pisses us off. Just doesn't have us in tears like it used to. None of them fans of us playing and singing along to carols. It's shitty cleaning, cooking and prettying everything for abusive bastards as well. It's all for us and the lad this year though and hope so its been less exhausting and chore like.

Trying not to worry about the bairns up the road they are by far not the only ones without adults who give much of a fuck about anything who are probably having a misrable time. They would be impressed with all all cleaning and decorating.

Will do our best to keep it going and find ways to walk that line between hoping for contact and support and accepting it and not being too crushed when it doesn't appear. We love us and we would of found a way to get us out of here eventually and done whatever we needed to do to make sure it stuck and wouldn't get undone through keeping through the isolation, attacks and everything else which would of been the hardest bit because it would of meant committing our self to pre determinism after being and doing everything we can the rest of the time for the exact opposite and then having to keep fighting and living liked we hoped for something better. You can't be unpredictable when you are real but are surrounded by rigid unchangable systems. The systems are going to do what they do and there is a finite ways someone can respond to them, very finite when that person is being kept apart from anything and anyone that is outside those deterministic systems.

We have depressed ourself again.  Thinking of the food tomorrow without the expectation to get up early helps and there is a good bit of brandy left and some energy to play, hang out and get the lad to help us out with keeping the place nice. And smokeables the day after tomorrow and the knowledge that there is plenty of love out there and in here for us not to be left here forever and ever and ever even if everyday feels like it. Might use some of that goose fat for some roast potatoes tomorrow if we can arsed peeling potatoes there is xmas mash left anyway and its extremely delish and calourific. Y'all can stay where you are and do what your doing and don't bother coming in and knowing me better man! You don't deserve our xmas mash and definitly not our non Auntie Bessie roasters..

The Fat Man Has Left The Building

Merry Winterfest

Every pretty thing is a huge battle lost of course to. To be here buying this shit instead of weed of going places or being somewhere else where being ourself doesn't cause the issues it always has here. That's a few years now of treating winter blues with Amazon "shabby chic" "natural" "Nordic".. It's easy the appreciate without the threats or the work to avoid the threats that result from our self expression. Cradle to the grave. You will always be a slave."

We love it though. Don't we?
Will we make it through this year without some comment about not thinking we would be into it and wonder and be grateful for the splits in our soul that stop me from knowing if thats because we seem educated, cynical, or is some antis semitic shit.

When you have spent December losing battles against genocide it seem life affirming to make the absolute most out of ones spent in doors, with goreless walls, our ghost of Christmas past comes with sacks filled with chopped up remains of humans. So we have always done all we can for the present and the year we have and cash enough for treats and mood and mind enough prepare at least a little in earlier months. We've been washing windows and festoning. We have Christmas back from cleaning and wrapping presents. We think we have finally be able to make the most out of the prepayment for the benefits and a big asda delivery but we are nervous and do not want to speak to soon.. The little shop has enough to keep as going if its goes wrong. It's beautiful here.

future is out of our hands its in no ones hands the back of our brain will see us through whatever, we are not the Grincy fuckers here.

We've checked it a hundred times. The money goes in tomorrow and the big shop is delivered at night. We keep adding stuff and keeping an eye on whats available on our phone. Too excited to sleep last night. He gets most of his education from you tube so one of those really pretty dumb smart privildeged tubers has told him about Santa so we have been liberated buy that fake supremisist cunt as well. The fat man has left the building. Oh deck thee halls and make thee extra special merry. The fat bastard has left the building.

Were gonna get something in the sales after and have it sent to him from "Mrs C." We're playing carols. We put the new dark green tinsel thing up last night. It's got gold bows and boubles and its all fabulous. Don't know how many times we shifted the tumble dryier doing "it goes here" "nope.. there" thing.

Fridge freezer has been defrosted and cleaned.

We used left over sticky back plastic stuff on the minging cat bit and the bits where the vinyl is disinitgrating. Stuff we couldn't do or in some kids did do and then put back because we couldn't think like we were here now before. When shit was still so constant and ongoing. Before the final Dundee ops. Before the hospital surival plans. When all that nasty tech and faked forced on us relationshionships were still things we couldn't get out of.

Cleaned and christmasified his room to. Do like a festive house gutting. Shame it leaves us to knackered for much else though.

December 08, 2017

I'm a free bitch baby

It's hard to forget how far we have come. Sitting here, awakeish, in our own flesh listening to whatever we fancy on a half decent speaker, with a Anderson, Johnston and slave industry free Christmas at worst.. As far as we are aware the final veto to us leaving Earth from elsewhere has been lifted. Goddam impossible trying to get hippy unslaved life forms to understand how awful things are here and its a nightmare trying to get the truth to someone when they are in the same room but getting it real life which always far far away.. We've been dreaming about death cults and bits being cut out of peoples brains, thats an awful lot of truth for our dreams.

Remembering snippets of Pabs pregnancy to.. Fifers turned up to the house near Newburgh cause work that slavers expect wasn't getting done. Think the first thing one of them said was "What the fuck are you wearing?" But we were naked, all our clothes had been taken, the water turned off. We survived by killing one of the farmers cows but that was taken away from us to. We were covered in gore, a small white stripe across our belly where we had kept a protective arm over our pregnant belly as we fought endlessly. One of them commented on the stench. No one was taking away the corpses that were pilling up at the back of the house. We said we couldn't keep taking the tech out of them and some still had them. They said not to worry about that of course.

They showered us, soaked us, scrubbed us to get the gore of. And fed us while parts of us slept we hadn't been able to sleep for a long time and littles were terrified to eat because of something they had been told would happen if we did. We were not going to let them flat line the fetus and we were not up for dying either so on and on it went and anyone human who tired to help completely unprepared for what we were fighting and were taken out or just a liability so we made them leave. They would think it was safe to sleep, drink tap water, listen to music, or leave the house and stuff.. No fucking clue.

Think when things were bad but not that bad we overheard something saying that if we didn't die or if the baby wasn't flat lined we would stop Trump from becoming president and we knew that was our remaining access to anything removed and we would be fighting non stop until it got in the way of some other Satanic crap and that would take a long time.. There was and is of course always been all kinds of hell trying to take out the first born. But we sent Gabe away for training and let them rig the super bomb to go if he came back to Earth. It would of killed him seeing how we were treated seeing how much international violence and forces was being directed at one pregnant woman and how many "people who knew" us were involved and how horrific they all really were/are. Dont know if he has forgiven me for that completely, my sis cause we did the same to her ages ago. We got a few mins last year and he said he has and we could say 21st 2017 hun you can come home, you can get me and Pabs out, you can do whatever the hell you like..

If stuff like that had gotten out vetos would of been removed long before now but no one thinks, no one talks, no one hopes and no one dreams down here so nothing ever got anywhere.

We couldn't believe it when we saw the lines of decommised corpses last year, no Johnstons or Andersons but the things they made to attend school with us, people who knew Margo, weegies, scum from Aberdeen University. Think we wept when someone showed us the current students lining the Spittal arms raised but fists closed and shouting "Fail Satan", Aberdeen uni has always been horrific this was the first time ever that it wasn't in its entire history.. They sang for us to. It was wonderful. The smile on Lee when he turned up with the second truck to return the carrion to Aberdeen, was pretty wonderful. As was feeling Kerry respond down in Glasgow when Erin approach a corpse that we left a little present for her in and blew her to pieces. Dan we knew would be tricky because of what they had done to auntie Beth and because they were trained by the same Fascists that took down my mom. We caught up with him though and decapitated the fucker. Knowing we lived on a planet that no longer contained Alan Morrison or Paul Sweeny and his faked little bro was pretty sweet to. Especially as it meant gorgeous younger Sweeney could step out the bushes and still be all lovely. He says he can't look at us without remembering us beating the shit out of U2s pedo photographer when wee. The way he looked at us for that has never left us either.

But then we have the year and half since then and we know everyone was flat lined to keep them down for the rest of 16 and 2017, including us. We were swallowing anti psychotics (psychotics) for six months for six months. Think we might be coming out of that now though huh? We had no choice but to reprogram our self and flat line our self which is not something you can do if you don't have a shit tonne of education, experience and support from places and life forms far far away from this filth.

For fuck sake though. We need a hug from a non dependent, from someone who will brush their teeth and put rubbish in the bin without us nagging at them to do it.