July 25, 2017

terribly excited

Big asda shop with holidays supplies order is in, sirlions or the first night & red of course. There's a pretty decent suitcase here that by its good condition we are presuming was Margo's and its pretty big so plenty room for lovely picnic food and booze. Was planning on getting clothes and at least one hair cut today but will wait until the money has cleared. There is a lot coming out.. Asda doing 3 for £3 on the dinky toilettiries and we are wanting to encourage to lad to be a bit more independent on the hygiene front.. assorted wipes, and bags to keep stuff organised and take food with us to the beach and stuff.. Doubt pabs will too enthusiastic about the cup soups and noodles but it might be different if there is not much else and he's been out all day and is starving..

We arn't focused too much on it, we've thought the thoughts before when they just weren't true but there is lots of firsts in all this isn't there.. most likely. It is the first time me the lad of gone any where together in a long time. There was a couple of trips with Margo and Laura, Gina but they were all a while back and not just us. Palermo and London after it hardly count even we are pretending to be amnesiac because there is no part that gets to escape the violence, even if we don't have the faintest clue why we knew people would and do try and hurt or kill us and the bairn.

Not so bad now or wouldnt even be considering it we would be crying because we knew it was way to risky and we would not be able to defend ourself from the hate and the horror. But I really think it's going to be lovely this time. The older mes are all calm and telling me its going to ok and they arn't all anxious and lying and that just by itself is lovely. There is going be some sniffing and swallowing back when with wishing more real family was there.  There's no Johnstons it's safer now.. They reckon they will always have Pabs but they reckoned that about us to and all of you.

Ding Dong

Hi Honey,

I thought we were too tired to write but then we started getting impressions of what was on the other side of the door once w got back from slaying the stupid supers. Between the front door and the room upstairs we can't remember specifics and don't want to it was clear they really didn't want anyone getting in. You and others in there were so starved, so skeletal, everything so awful we still struggle with the time we spent fed and safe and wishing we had come back sooner.

Really wish you were here. It just hurts too much without you. You know. Been a good day today though the sun shone the whole time and we were outside for most of it and have done more gardening. It is really quite amazing the work we have done its really beautiful. You would cry to see it! Trying not to think too much about how much more spectacular it would be if there had been just a bit more sunshine.  There would be so many more flowers!! There is quite a few as it is though and some that should be soon. We put the rose in near the corner in the border we made there. It was brutal on both of us. I am sore but have survived time will have to tell for the rose. We kinda have to put at least one of the climbers in there but its a bit of a thought to shift.. but they are still quite small and it isn't going to get any easier..

Yeah I know arn't we amazing we can bring about all that beauty after so much uglyiness but it doesn't make us need you any less and kinda just reminds us of you more and dad of course and showing mum a garden we made somewhere once. She wept and you know she doesn't do that often.

Got pre holiday plans tomorrow and can't get over how much less anxious we are, we are actually capable of organising something and looking forward to it and not being paralysed with dread and anxiety. It's so much nicer. We are trying not to day dream to much about seeing you come stroll into the campsite, or just plop down beside me on the beach because we don't want to make coming home without you any fucking harder. We will have our garden to come home to and a brain that is considerable less crippled with depression. Definite positives. If we were to being seriously asked if it was a risk worth taking and not just a solid hard wise up stay the fuck away we would say fuck it lets give a go thats why we can't be day dreaming to much it kinda hurts more when its not completely utterly impossible.

We will still write to you when we come home alone don't worry.. It's not like we alone we have our young man and he's pretty special but they all we know that. How are they anyway? The spawn and the spawns' spawn? Love all yous and all thems.


July 23, 2017

Don't think we would make a good counsellor

ohmygod she is doing my head in.. We said today to. The addiction talk on loops. We told her to stop saying she is come off everything. It totally undermines all the sensible talk about getting her own place and getting help, rehab. She is living completely surrounded by a miserable past and not like us this miserable past can and will gossip about her and fairly treated like a child by her parents by the sounds of it so we did try encourage her to focus on one thing at a time instead of rambling on making ridiculous empty addict promises. Particularly bad for the ye olde self hate talk today to the point where we end up doing what we ended up doing with Laura and that was bringing up what happened before the drugs and the partying started knowing fine she would hate it but having tried everything else she could think of to stop the drone of sexual abuse victim putting themselves down. It's not like we haven't told her our past is horrific. It was impossible not to think of Laura a lot with the things she was saying and how it felt over the decades listening to her say the same shit over and over so obviously not capable of getting up again from the evil shit that is used to keep her down. Sitting in the same fucking kitchen listen to the same crap we were not amused.

We know is really pretty bad to trigger some like that and we do say lots of other stuff first, about self hate being a big part of the disease that addiction is, about how hard to impossible to break habits when in the same place, same routine that there is not much help out there but it is out there if and when you can put effort into finding it and not giving up at first hurdle, that there is a genetic thing with some people that makes it so hard for them to stop, talking up their good points and say they don't have to justify themselves to me, that it's so not fucking fair that the help they have had when they have reached out before is shit, that relapse is part of recovery, that there are by no means the only one and books are good place to start because you can read them at there on pace and it is easier with her not being Laura but we also know that like Laura she is a grown assed intelligent women who is more than capable of finding this shit out for themselves and know fine they are bullshitting and scheming to make it look like they are really trying to beat it when they arn't because thats addiction. The eyes glaze over and they go back to talking about how they just love getting wasted because it makes them feel like all their problems float away and we have to remind ourself not to disrespect them for it because its addiction, its a disease that infects people and is very stubborn.

It's exhausting but she was responding a bit to being told to shut it and seemed genuinely interested when we talked about the relaxation CDs we used to use. Unlike Laura there we do feel like she could learn to think different and manage feelings differently but we would rather not spend so much time with her when she's at the crossroads especially when we are hardly in a place to presume she is going to fine and not die.

Those cunts that were heavily involved in the white power control of the music industry are still dead though. "beautiful tortured souls" ... FFS.. 

July 22, 2017

Stupid Supers

yuck we keep not feeling any better and its shit. Nothing seems to be helping but its what happens when do the stuff very violent abusers have told you not to ever do. It will get better. Get so tired of destroyed mental health though the just never feeling deeply okay. ..

Woke up feeling better today though. Much better. Still in bed and wont be going far from it but comfy and its raining again anyway. So yeah in bed. Feeling better and burning through the lay on weed we had to get because we get messed up on the trainline site and double booked non refundable tickets. We also order a disabled rail card because we ticked that box and that was another 20.. I think even if it doesn't come in time it wont be a problem because we have already paid for non disabled adult tickets anyway.. oh well..

We have also sorted out a new phone because the old one has been busted about half the time for months and months. Much anxiety it has caused when trying to reply to weed related texts and it hasn't let me. We need to have a functioning communications and entertainment device with data to go any where and we are glad that the decision to go away got us to sort that out. It's got cool stuff. The garage band thing is really cool and we were messing with it last night with the lad and told him he can make holiday movies.

Glad it's a week plus away though.

The writing yesterday was good though huh? Probs why we feel better today. Integration continues. There is soo much less fear. So much less "don't sing". Still don't wanna eat though. Happily unfollowing pro BBC or music scum tweeters after all these years of struggling with it and balancing up, guessing at consequences.. Remembering how it has felt to be me if not fully being there now yet but starting to see and feel a much further and deeper sense of us and where we have been. Other people to and my sisters although that is still really hard but we know there are real and not scared about that or them. Good people are out there and some of them are organised really well.

You wanna know what we been remembering? The Super camp either in the states or states run but elsewhere. Could of been one of my sisters with rest of us hidden and helping, or by herself but it was maybe probably us. They were constructing and training and programming a regiment of "Supers" and wanted us there to help out. They had no clue about us of course and we were quite strong at the time anyway. They were getting some impressive speeds but not much strength and no fucking force of course because you can't programme that shit. We told the twats running it that. They started getting it eventually and we knew as interesting and so good it had been to get a break from the rape and murder and rape and murder attempts its not like we were not deeply aware that they were getting us to train and army of us's to defeat us.  When the time came we ended up loving the challange because we had to use our whole brain defend ourself from them and put them all down. There was the three though. That had hide and we knew there was something very not right about the sense we had that because they run and hid they thinking for themselves. We had been all over the awful awful files we knew that was highly unlikely for at least two out of the three. We weren't sure if the other one was up to something on our side but it wasn't impossible and we were quite tired anyway.. We still fucking knew by how strong and wrong the sense that the three of them we okay was programming and that meant some sick fucks had planned this whole fucking thing and had no fucking clue how much that involved sick parts of us.. We couldn't deny it though we felt fucking fantastic for the first time in a long time. We believed in ourself again. We felt a positive future for us might be possible.

We wondered about the place for a while. Making sure it was only three unaccounted for, remembering as many steps and repeating some of the moves to help us remember how we had done it all. There was a couple of patches of gore at angles and bodies in places and positions that we just could not figure out how we did it. We looked again at what had happened near those patches and then we knew there was no way it was us. Then we looked again we knew from the height and spread it must of been a small person, most likely a kid.

We knew we would have to find them but right then we had to get back to Skene to help out whoever they had there while we where there. We fly back we remember that but how we do that in terms of passports and tickets is always a bit of a major blur involves all kinds of tricks and often major dodgers to. We can't remember a lot of flights but we remember a bit about that one because we were on our own and could think. And we thought a lot. We figured out someone was trying to tell us where they were being held and that they could help us find and release the kid. The original Village. He hadn't been around for a long time and we were not looking forward to seeing the damage but it had to done, it was the real Village and some super kid and they would both being used to hurt us anyway and that boy had skills, we need him and needed them not have him..

Via London to get to Aberdeen of course. Buy that time we had the bones of the plan that might get us to him and had shut ourselves down to hide everything from the Brits. We felt so fucking sick walking through the tunnel and through the airport. We had given ourself a plan of exactly where to go and what to do and it was all be had, we could barely breathe and people were noticing. We sort ourself out a bit with a switch though. Even ate and drank and got chatted up by some bloke who wasn't the worst. It was a great until he asked for our number and we remember who we were and he saw our face fall. We both made uncomfortable goodbyes and we went to wait by the gate to return to Aberdoom feeling embolden by the booze and the flattery and just pissed off with the everything which is were we needed to be to deal with whatever horrors awaited us once we had fought, stole a car and was chased back to Skene. They didn't bother following us into the house though. We were not surprised they were mostly police and turning their back on that place is what police mostly do. Tools.

We can't continue the story once we were inside. No one's brain could.

Niall seems really happy to help us out financially with the hols. We order a decent sized torch that isn't black so it's easier spot and  a very dinky multitool. Cause even if we could find the old one we don't want anything to do with the old one.. It's been around way to much. I hope its buried deep in landfill or stored and labelled somewhere with tonnes of other shit.

Think pal is pissed off because we didn't reply to txt earlier but we were watching tv with the lad and had a nap on the couch and she txts a lot and we are not interested in daily drug hunts. We are a reclusive stoner we have gone without at times rather than deal with people.. She's a worry, so focused on drugs she talks about little else other than coming off them and she is at quite lethal levels with it and we try not to think about that too much. Theres a lot of talk of quiting the munchies without backing it up with talk about eating during the day and got bugged with us for saying it was fucking pointless to try and not go mad on the munchies when she is stoned at night when she has all day and gone to work and eaten little or nothing.. She was talking last night for a while about rehab and writing and other positive stuff but we are too familiar with addiction behaviours to be taking it to seriously would be very glad to be wrong though. They are not the best company being so focused on themselves. There is glimpses of someone else in there and we wish them all the best.

July 21, 2017

Hey Hubs,

lol! We can talk to you can't we or at least at you a bit. We get a bit shy with our parents when we haven't seen them in a while. We need to say it!! That audio slave cunt and the evil fucked up prick from the one of the lost profit bands. They were quite active in the slavery and horror that us kept us down. Made for the job of course but they cant be churning out someone who has tortured us many times of several decades overnight. We know we did a shit load of damage to the systems behind the high profile scenes. We just couldn't get near the media and entertainment ones. They are not looking so scary now!!! Was him that time in St Andrews with Margo and her mum quite pregnant and going round the charity shops, get out of the house for a while and he walks past, the fucking way he looked at us. The notice the signs of affluence that you cant have triggers that we don't generally get if its just some rich fuck and some rich fuck who is involved in trafficking us.  It got to us of course but we were able to notice that all long with the very real longterm horrificness was a just as certain knowledge we were going outlive him and the cunt from audio slave it just wasn't going to happen for a while yet.

We not having some problems unfollowing people cause like bad people. It's a shame but its not like we get so much out of other things they tweet that we cant get somewhere else. And it makes us feel so bad we have to move away from not being able to do anything about that. We are very happy that we can start move away from that now.

So much is coming back and you how it works once you start to have a kind of outline on stuff and the details start coming back and that means sensory memories of not just bad things happening.  That's really cool. We remember how much we looked after each whenever we could when we were younger. Neither were supposed to be aware of our surroundings never mind bonding and fighting for each other.. Stupid broken fools only see what they are can't imagine anything else. Higher ups a bit more aware though huh. Systems a bit more complex but above that it went back to pretty simple and as they mostly were about convincing the hiarchies that they didn't exist it was pretty easy to make up some shit that mean we could involve their own systems attacking them. The hierarchies all lie and manipulate and exploit each other so its at most levels its pretty easy to turn them against each other and give us some space. You know all this. Our brain still works better we think about you. But it is still very scared to as well though.

Bastards. Both of them gone though. Were kinda in weepy place out of relief and that kind of tired relaxed sleepyness that comes after weeping. We don't care about how many of the people who put abusers on our TL have been put there to do that. It's so sad really. All those fuckers who didn't think it was 'that bad' and didn't believe how much was going on to bring about the Trump presidency and Brexit. And stop Scottish Independence because Scotland is where to do and keep a lot of their dirty work and they to keep that theirs and not discussed or challenged nevermind bloody end. Even though it much of it has effectively ended. We couldn't stop those main aims they way things and were but we could stop some of the plans the rest of the hierarchies were trying to tack on. They can't get us again. Not like that and their far away support is nothing but dust, wreckage and memorials.

So Earth being Earth. People are forcing all awareness of any of this away even harder than before, burying themselves into their programming with added gusto. I believe, my work here is done because there is nothing more I can do with this shit hole. If someone else wants ago at cleaning it up then they are very welcome to try but I also believe there may be a time limitation as we are needed and need to be elsewhere and if we are not going to be allowed to leave it will have to be done by force.

We are thinking we maybe should try and life some of the blurry between parts. We don't mean we could or want to be like system on twitter who we think are cool but have definite name and stuff but to accept that we go amnesiac during switches and it easy not to notice because its quick and they trained us hard to not notice for a long time and repeatedly and set up to constantly retriggered when alone or under constant direct abuse i.e all the fucking time.

It is important that we are addressing this because its mean a major fucking issue. That that we have any sense of a clue where to go with it now .. but .. we getting Jacqui memories or rather walking away from sessions feeling good, really fucking good because the decades of lying and faking and producing fake intel for the abuse hierarchies had worked. It had been so hard and so exhausting for decades but it was starting to pay of in more than just temporary shot term ways. Everything she had been trained and told to say to us was having the opposite effect to the intended one. She would bring up a past horror and we would relieved to remember. She would try and make us feel helpless and we would get empowered. And then when we had fucked up their fake intel systems she had to start behaving like a proper therapist because she was being watched by forces who were no in on it and we ended up getting some real therapy. Lol. So horrible when it worked though and whatever they did to us at home worked with what was pulled in the session but we learned quick and undermined that to.

Jesus. No wonder we can't get out of bed.

Feeling all sad now. Yes. That pair of baby and little torturing scum bag slavers is dead! Fuck yeah. We gonna try not go under during holiday. It's safer now.

Wish you were here. We are hungry and don't want to eat and you could help with that without we just gonna end up smoking more and its not good for us when we do it to much or the little boy. The little boy is gonna be bigger than us really really soon! He's lovely. Mostly.

Love you, thank you.


July 20, 2017

"We knew it wasn't you."

We double booked our non refundable train tickets..Fuck ups are expected & that is quite a nippy one money wise. We are going to have to take even more money from Niall wot with the week we are away being skint week.. Very glad to have a few days away from our discomfort zone home anyway.

There is part/s we are concerned about though. The ones that were told they would never go any where for fun or comfort. They are to be taken places to be used, they do not going on glamping trips with their son. They don't laugh, they don't know how to have fun, they don't know how to feel safe or loved or loving. They are supposed to be the parts that they develop into being abuser prostitutes that will agree to anything being done to them and agree to doing anything to anyone else. We can remember standing in Skene as they tried to talk us into giving up on ourself and not being as the only way to survive. They didn't know how many of there was, who had had what done when so it wouldn't work as well on us as it had on them. Instead of meat puppet we remember a strong sense appeared through all the knowing and remembering nothing that we did know who we were, we were not them and we knew what we had to do as well it was simple we just had to not ever be them. We were so relieved.

We need to start to seeing if there are ways that we can widen our sense of who and what we are. When kept isolated we start finding it harder and harder to feel real without something definite and horrific to resist. There are many who this we encouraged it in ourself because we knew that if we have strong parts that only come out around abusers then they will start sending less abusers to us. It kinda worked but these tough AF parts are not going be able to resist the heavy high doses of whatever to incapacitate us, its a big part of why we are just terrified of people because they so often have be used, forced, blackmailed, paid to slip them to us. We are scared of Niall because of that. It's a horrible place knowing the family or people you live with could do something like that at any moment. Every cup of tea or food offered could be the last or put us back into years of being a rape slave and breeder. Horrible.

We talked some stuff through last year, this isn't a departure from everything being known about for a long time before. We have to involved in the security. The making sure abusers don't think we will do something we know we will, doing what we can to scuper their plans if they do know or are just covering their bases. We have figure out and find out the things we can't do and the things we can if we work really hard to keep them away. We got so used to seeing agents and officers whenever we go anywhere we stop noticing unless they have kids with them and are pretending to be family when they arn't we would notice that. Sometimes we would see them with their real families and we would end up feeling so glad that it wasn't us. No one was teaching those kids any better, they knew abuse and bullshit and nothing else, poor souls.

Some people actually believe it when they told that level of trailing and surveillance if for our protection but it's about triggering, intimidating and reminding us that we are powerless and that they will never stop controlling and owning us. So much easier to face all this shit now they don't have all that evil tech. Knowing your rapist can literally press a button and you will be incapacitated.. But its not just the bad guys that are watching us now while the good guys watch carefully crafted fiction often created by abuser institutions and authorities that make it seem like we are safe and cared for and not dying.

Which complex sophisticated shit but we've got parts that have complex and sophisticated down and friends who were good to us and other people so we had no problem sharing our tech and science with. I hope they get here soon.

July 19, 2017

kinda momentous really

Several excuses to be slightly pissed these evening. It's Tuesday for one and that is generally reason enough, it's also been sunny. We finished off replacing the crappy planks that made  a tiny border in front of the fence, it's great to have it finally done we are quite chuffed, we have been giving those planks dirty looks since Margo had the lease on this place. Also, late last night sleepless and agitated we ended up looking to see if there was any wee holidays available for me and the lad and did find a possible but figured the feeling wouldnt last. It did come during the day though our mood is so shitty we have to do something and we have been feeling quite excited about the eye food and the time somewhere else with junior.

Not so pissed now. Sleepless & bloated. Head full of gang rape. And much excitement about the trip, been pouring over the websites an feeling like stuff we have been putting off like get a phone that works and I doubt we could get an appointment in time but we are thinking dentist to. There is a day trip we have pretty much completly committed ourself to by mentioning it to dude and that is our biggest worry about it really we should fine just on the site though. It looks pretty wonderful, hills, seaside, woodland walks, crafts.. so glad we could finally feel able to leave the house even if its kind of fucked up that we are way more comfortable with the thought of travelling a few hours and staying somewhere else than we are going on day trips from here.  So glad we are doing something with the money other than buying weed because we have been going through too much. N will no doubt give us holiday pennies to yet its all good and heading in the right direction mental health wise. Oh man. Scenery. Air. Somewhere elseness.

There was another reason for the pissedness that we were too pissed to mention earlier. Dude said weeks ago he was getting hairs and we brushed it off and certainly didn't go in for a close up but today when we were eating hotdogs outside and he was in his onesie with the buttons not bloody done as usual and yep. Black lines around ma baby boy's tinkle.. Christ he's a boy and he's not even ten yet. It was quite a shock we were already on the pink wine so thanks to that we still managed to eat most the hot dog. He seemed quite proud and agreed he should read the puberty/sex book again. Wondering about stuff like stress and lack of exercise bringing it on early.. I'm proud of him and so relieved and proud of us for getting him this far but christ there is going to be a man about the place. Who we have clean up after and care for..We said it meant we would expect him to do just a little more and he said that we had agreed on 13 for that but Im pretty certain we said 10.. He can do a little more for himself I'm not expect him to work hard or anything.

So glad we had just booked when we saw that..