April 26, 2015

excavation

Yeah its maybe gonna be a long night.  We have as much as we can do for ourselfs in terms of painkillers, weed and disney films.  Guy phoned up and offered us the movies package for half price.  It just feels like this is it, all this pain, metal, wood, plastic, forced into deep injured places. This is it for us. Its just what happens, if you suffer all that its going to keep hurting forever.

Maybe if there is proper support it could be fixed but thats is not going to happen. With us or without us hen you'll gonna suffer your whole life.  We resent it when people assume its the individuals who said those things that have the power over us. The big scary man whoes biologically driven to inflict pain and burden on us. The evil older woman. But it wasnt them or their particular ring that had and has that hold over us its because we were shown the systems behind them, in great detail so it was impossible to not know how helpless it was to resist or try and expose. It's a machine and everything you do or dont do will fuel for it. Made of solid heavy metal parts that chew and smush up humans without noticing. Genuinely nothing our wee lump of flesh could to stop or slow down. The only way would be with help, lots of help and they are hardly going to allow that to develop are they?

How does it feel to allow their words and faces to be so present in our mind? Well the agony the caused never left for long so seeing and hearing is kind of useful.  Ugly useful of course.

The longing though. Like the cat calling in the night for her still born but its so much more than that and thats why its forever. I wont let them go. They are my babies and I love them. They happened and I wont let that be denied. I have to because no one else will remember them, no one else counted them or cared.

Feels quite laboury leting her through like that. She wont be alone and I dont mean the babies. They will be with someone from the very early eighties or if they were really expert from the early nighties. Someone she needs to keep from the rest of us. She maybe feels like she had to sacrifice the babies to protect us. We will tell her it is most likely wasnt like that at all. She was being tortured for days, regularly over years she was being deprived of everything a body needs to function. That that she has any memories at all is remarkable and show how much she loves the babies. Whatever happens to any of us when we are not able to communicate with the rest of us intentionally leaves impressions of events that are totally off. Like we were saying last night with the people replacement. Besides we are all stronger and safer know. Someone will be able to handle it in here and therapist would be ok. She really wants to help but everyone keeps saying that other peoSple in here need the help more then going off and crying..

So much kneeling cold in thin nighities in the corner of darkened room.  Just trying not to be.

Not sure if I can go into those spaces to get them. I might need them to come to us but we are not sure if they can..

Maybe therapist can help.





you start of trying to figure out how to eat and end up back at incest

Whats the emotional reward in not eating? Well it means we arn't going against everything mental & physical that is in the way. Its accepting we are not well, strong or healed enough to do normal things like eat regular meals. It means we avoid that thing when we prepare food, sit down to eat our stomach turns we get totally trigger and in tears.

We hate it to of course, feeling weak is triggering. Its so motherish to she has always just has coffee fags/spliffs for breakfast and lunch and we know the more we replicate that behaviour the more we loose ourselves, keep our immune system depleted and possible positive futures become even harder to get to.

We have never been comfortable the presence she has in our head.  Blocks everything out. Always something so not right something unnatural and manufactured about her and what we feel about her. The fear she has that her daughters will function well enough to get far away has always seemed really obvious. Not that she intentionally got lost when driving Psycho to an interview in her teens, deliberately arranged any of the sexual abuse or wanted Alky to drink herself to death. We still pretty much feel that she doesn't do much intentionally other than the normal stuff people are supposed to do like keeping a clean house, paying bills and doing practical stuff for the kids now or working when she did that.

Recently the sense that the 'parents' actually did the worst of it is changing, we are seeing them dragged off, tied up, drugged up, locked away and other people putting on their clothes and wigs, it was done openly with the people talking and laughing about what they were going to do, to terrify, effectively.. And the
 'these are your parents, when you look at them you see your parents' which was longterm, a big aspect of it all and its associated with lots of agony we couldnt dissociate from perform by mostly men but always people who had status in rings.

In the eighties in the Glen in the first house we remember answering back when we could. Feisty, is not the word..

          These are your parents.

                 No their not.

          No. These people are your parents. This is your mum and dad - the people who are in the next room.

                But their not my parents.


By the time of the house in Aberdeenshire we didnt do much answering back but we just had to pretend we thought they were.  It was the parts they made, parts who were amnesiac of everything who only knew what they were told and believed it completely that could actually be convinced that a someone was someone other than they were.

With 'dad' some of us knew it wasn't him because that wasn't how B raped.. Not how he smelled, sounded, or hurt.

April 25, 2015

present, past, future, whatever..

 .. Its necessary isnt it? Logging onto here, seeing what comes out and where we end up..

Something else that was discussed in last therapy session was emotional education, love those words, love them in that order.. Its always been something that was so difficult to hold onto without having outside people talk to.  We would read or hear things that we felt had changed our understanding of ourself and the world completely because we knew where we where we would be would be able to see a way out but it would never last, sooner or later we would be dumb again.  The people around me not only didnt have any emotional education vocabulary they rejected any sign of it completely. We can still see the old triggers working in mother's eyes when we talk about having DID, expecting, hoping even that the thugs will be back to quieten down any of that sort of talk and relieve her of all responsibility.

A thing we keep finding ourselves coming back to, a part we cant unstuck maybe - we feel like we cant deal with any psychological problems that are causing the contractions and whatever when we dont have proper medical care. Although medical attention, drugs, emergency treatments etc would be denied and used as a means of controlling people as part of the ritualised abuse and trafficking we always knew that because we were being sold into more exclusive, more secretive, more rich people only markets we would receive the best care that's was available sooner or later. We often feel when therapist talks about trying to figure out the triggers for the pain that she isnt understanding how physical it is and of course we are decades beyond (or away from) the NHS being an actual option in provide any real answers.

 Yep. There's definitely a part that doesnt want to let go of the treatments or the sense of security that knowing eventually our need for physical care and good professional medical attention for all the injuries, traumas and stresses.

Fair whack of patriarchy there isnt there? The only relief from the very physical vulnerability comes from the same source thats inventing and enforcing the physical vulnerability to begin with.  No way out, they are in charge of all the exits and all the means to get anywhere near them.

She cant even see us. All there is petrification, all the energy she has left is completely focus doing whatever needs to be done, without seeing so she can get to the next patch of comfort, the next patch of being human even though she knows it will result in punishment that will put her back in the pitch blackness in flesh that operates without her. All there is trying to always remember to never forget to stay way from all the senses and all cognition all the time.  Its so hard all it takes sometimes so small and everyday like the warmth in a little patch of sunlight, the waft of cooking food, a babies laugh and she will forget to not be there and it will bad, so very bad.

Lots of the present tense in there. No wonder with our situation and the world as it is and trauma never that long ago or far away. What is it we do now? Oh yeah. we say we know we have it in us to help this part to get beyond the specific PTSD/mental health hook even though we dont believe it..

It would probably help if the external singletons downstairs would settle the fuck down.  I mean how many times do you need to say 'I'm tired and I'm grumpy..' 

messy healing

Back to having our breath taken away by how much we love the house, garden. The inside at the moment is proper midden but its not forever. Its not really frustrating us to much at the moment that paint and furniture is in the wee room exactly as it was delivered its been so goddam sunny.  Got tbeio be mentioned. Bought and wore shorts today. Just in our garden of course. Shorts. In April. In our garden.

Had to phone in the therapy session. Facetime it was alright. She maybe noticed that there was littles that were not generally out and about being drawn forward coz it was kind of funny looking at therapist on the little screen. Still think we would really benefit from having a space, a container that was just for the littles.  Its such a shame that the drama therapists we saw were so basically clueless about DID because they loved aspects of it, especially the one to one sessions and if it was so good for out harder to reach littles its likely to good for other systems to.  Its bad enough when there just doesnt seem to be any exit signs to get out of a bad place but when you see ways out but your barred from them it just compounds the misery.

Therapist still trying to get us to talk about the pain because its still really bad.

But when we try a little harder to tell her whats going on headwise she at least seems to agree that its still release.  Very extreme sessions were very regular sometimes and afterwards, between these sessions we had to not act like we were in any pain and go to school. In later years when there was no legal requirement for me to be registered and show up anywhere there was trouble with abusive GPs  when we tried to get help because it was so chronic, regardless of whatever was going on in the mind.

I know that in the earlier years after ovulation started some of us held onto the pain and still hold onto it as the only thing we have left of the babies and the truth, they were encouraged by some ring members to do this.

We try and explain that the parts who hold lots of the worst stuff cant really be talked to, not yet anyway they cant understand.  They have never really talked to like that, they just know the brutalisation, they never learned much or any language, they do not think of themselves of capable of language, they cant think of themselves at all. We cant see what else we can do for them but continue on more or less as we are and hope that eventually the comfort and hope filters down by doing what we can for all the rest of us.

Then theres the internalised abusers.  When the adults around you all show so much hate and desire to inflict pain on you, they must have a reason right? It cant be because they are bad because you cant make it to the end of the road on these little legs, they need to not be evil inorder to take care of you. So the hate gets replicated and this happens so early that even when your a big girl whoes legs could take you much further than the end of the road if they needed to and you know your not bad the hate and pain is still deep inside and wont go away.

We are sharing more of the programming, not all of it by any means, but theres that longterm connection between feeling ok, i.e accepting myself as a soul with DID no longer putting vast amounts of energy into not seeing or responding to the world around me or contents of our own mind, any sense of feeling connected to my body and hopeful about the future basically and agony. The agonies of sexual torture to be specific, not entirely gynaecological but mostly and the fear and helplessness and everything else that comes with it. This feels deeper, older than pregnancy heartbreaks but connected to it to. We dont feel any where nearer to dealing with it.

Other stuff feels a bit more dealt with, the brutal nights and afternoons with the uncle isnt hitting us as hard.  She didnt she know she already had DID. She knew she had a functional family but she also knew she was intelligent, caring and was excited about her education and the future that could bring her away from the family. Then she experienced horrific sexual violence from her uncle and all the rest of us coming in and out of her mind and body, complete strangers to her. What it was that made that particular program work so bloody well is at a level we are happy to be far from sharing or consciously processing in much detail at the moment.

Therapist would say how hard it must be for the parts that endured the worst of the programming, who understand the specifics of how it all worked, who could do what to who and what was done to us to make that possible, and we are starting to feel strong enough to genuinely reach out those parts, or those that will have us! and not completely buckle when they start to really open up and its unrelentingly physical and physiological horror being relayed like our wee man natters about whatever dualing card based animation he is into this week..

..

The seasons. They bring us to ourselves. We were taught to let us leave with the seasons to but we fight it when we can. We dont want our seasons controlled by the bad ladys. We know it doesnt have to be like .. because we are not seasons we are people.


April 19, 2015

Notes (piss & pus)

Do I blog?

There it is again, the all seeing unseen been repeatidly poked with  various blunt and sharp instruments 'I'. It creeps back again and again sending those of us who thinking about coming forward darting back deep undercover. 

We remember dripping. A cough recently has us aware that we are now in a place where we can and will buy Tenna Lady and not give a fuck. The weak bladder has been bother since always they told us to always think of them everything we need to change our pants because of cold wet patches of pee..

They must of had something in our urethra that meant we constantly dripped. We could feel it. We were starting to get resistance to the drugs, coming round. We knew it wasn't smart to wake up quickly you have to do it slowly, listening out for whoever else is around, using every sense to find clues about where you were, what was happening and staying very still until it felt ok to open your eyes. It was rarely ok but there was definitely no way you can get up and find out if you can run without opening your eyes first..

 It seemed and smelled like a room in a hospital and it didn't feel unusual. 

Dry stane dyking up one of the hills with Bill. We come back to this often when we try and process the father daughter incest and what to do with our relationship now. For the core parts and managers they saw enough to confirm a lot of our suspicions.

Beautiful day we were quite strong physically, we needed to be or the planned emotional moment they needed for future programming wouldn't work. There was lots of being taken aside by people heavy involved in giving instructions, doing stuff to us and taking us places. They were isolating our parts, telling us how to see Bill as he worked on the wall, how strong he was, how hard he was working. We kept just seeing a man that hurt us so they brought in another man, a bloke who hadn't hurt us so much. They dressed him up in my dads clothes and had him working the wall like my dad, with his back to me. They were trying to create a bonding moment to use as the basis of a delusional relationship what I would use to deny the abuse. 

There were other groups trying different approaches, for the different ANPs we suppose, the nicer lot were trying to persuade us to stop hating him 'for your own sake' they were saying a lot. And the even nastier than the usual lot who were trying to persuade us that his masculinity unequivocally meant our inferiority, not even a lesser person but not a person at all because of my feelings of hate towards someone who was strong and who worked for the good of everyone. The words they used were long as well as horrible it was impossible to understand what they were saying but we had parts that would block them out so we normally most of us wouldnt even try, somewhere can produced running translations telling whatever parts the programmers believed they had isolated what was really going on with lots of sarcastic humour.  On this day we just listened, we weren't scared.  Whatever attention some of us had been paying to Margo and Bill's philosophy degrees had really paid off the abusers logic non existant and they were using words all wrong.  It was then or around that time that we did actually start to see how powerless 'Dad' really was, standing there nodding his head, shoulders stooped, not looking them in the eye, he was just like us except he didn't have all the help in his head that we did. 

Seeing how organised and interchangeable the people from the different approached were. They were standing about in heather and grass next to the wall chatting about the different approaches and what to do next, like it was all completely normal. 

There is no doubt we are processing. Getting deeper into it all. 

Had another immune system prob on our inner thigh. More pain.  Dissociative levels of pain. We applied the hot wet clothes and drew the stinking poison forth.  There is lots of love for what some of us call 'ancient lore' in parts that first around when there is lots of pain or fear. Their imagination was really captured by the pagan and other symbol heavy stuff used in grooming for the ritual torture.  They are always searching for signs and omens from the universe or our own depths, they really believe that externally, interms of the abuse inquiries and what not the filth is about to spread far and fast soon..We are desperate though so its no surprise they are searching for signposts to life in a better culture. There's wider appreciation though in lots of us for a connection between the really difficult therapy like using the EMDR and not pushing the worst traumas away and the applying of the hot clothes on the infected flesh..excruciating, revolting,. But no system will get any better with all that crap under the skin..


Our therapist said that it's not random the way we jump from subject to subject and that's it's like following a path. We are not completely ready to get out at the end yet but we have made lots of progress with our fear of maps...

..


Pits it all leads to pits. Death pits. So whats the point?

March 28, 2015

Sleeepy

Yep. Still here. Something is anyway. The EMDR yesterday absolutely exhausted afterwards got bad for feeling very close to vivid visual as well as physical flashbacks but we could reach out and got through it. Was asleep by  half 10. 

Too much Greys Anatomy. Or rather too much trauma in hospitals and elsewhere with abusers had surgical knowledge and disposable people. That's not Greys Anatomy's fault.

There's times when we think there must be sonething wrong and getting wronger when it just hurts so much. When there are visual memories to and more detailed context of incidents of being put in or left in excruciating agony there isn't any room for those kinds of worries.

Activity is slowly begining again.. Along with an imagination in regards to the house, garden helped of course by the extra funds and the decreasing winter. We are going to grow lots of flowers with the external kids. Starting to feel a a bit less daunted by what we have took on here. Or at least excited as well as daunted again. 

..

We were trying process the uncle Adam stuff in therapy with the headphones and the clicks. Therapist doesn't usually put much effort into trying to keep us on the same subject she says the pathways will be leading somewhere but she was brining us back more this time. 

We don't understand how 'we' who survived the eighties, the moves after the Glen could be so vulnerable to him and 'dad' at that time. We think it's got something to do with a small group of parts having been forced into believing they had to protect other parts. 

Punishment. Told that if we dissociated into parts that weren't amnesiac something even worse would happen. What ever answers we come up with always seem true enough just partial. Like we keep missing something. 

We don't regret the session.  We have few tools available and we would be crippled anyway. It's pain that's motivated both us and T to start working with the EMDR dispite the triggers and  without knowing where it could take us.

Cheers. 



March 13, 2015

For Firenze and all the people and parts of ourselves we can glimpse but cant hold.

 Head full of Firenze. And Sean. Physically we are pretty weak and mentally messy but thats ok, we have gapabentin and weed to help stop the 'shoulds' and those mean skinny parts that always push with all they have to direct us away from any path where we intgrate with any reality where we are not subordinated. It suprised us how well and for how long those part took hold they were so everything we knew we weren't that it we didnt believe any of us could ever be in a place where we would let there coldness be something we bowed to.  When we saw those faces, saw how there knees were weak as mine where, saw colour drain from faces and our hands reaching out before our eyes and battered down eyes even met.  I had nothing. We couldnt accept anything for anyone. There were words, brief and guesters that changed everything while we still knew nothing mostly exscept we knew we wanted to show them, we have nothing but we still come here. When the switching starting to slide into complete anxious dissociation we calmed ourselves by telling ourself there was something wrong with our brain that was making us see and feel all this stuff, fantasises about having a life that was far from everything we knew in Scotland. The calmer we got the less hold the amnesia had I didnt know how we ever came to be there but we knew the people, the relationships the feelings were real, they were infront of me and parts I thought had been broken and muted where active and functioning, there will, our will was strong as ever and still taking us to places without worrying us with any details beforehand. We are whatever the hell we are and at that moment we were not letting go of a history because it was inconvienent to abusers that we were more than the youngest daughter in a skint abusive family. In the eyes, the bodies and a few words much of the weight that covers anything that might bring us security and pride was ripped away and we had to keep walking. If it hadn't been for the buggy we would never of managed to stay of the ground. There were tears though, of course and a fair bit of having to verblise internal voices and kept checking for and expecting knife wounds or very loud crack in my ear that would be last thing we knew but they never happened.

Several times we almost let go of the buggy to run into someones arms but froze instead. But she was here, S/he whatever. She always knows what to do and she  wouldnt let us crumble and let us know that she was around. She is what we are, driven underground forced to work behind the scenes manipulating the rest of us, holding the love, the humanity and ambition and making all the difficult decisions.

Without her there is no 'us' just victim programmes, denial and delusions, no resistance, no love, no hate no personality.

Sean always seemed to see her. We would avoid him at times because we didnt want to see who we really were reflected in his eyes when we felt like something so different. It made us feels so ashamed sometimes the fact that he was so patient and understanding of whatever states we were in only made it worse. We hated having to face how much the pain we were put in hurt others to.

Remembering that now as an adult. The terror we felt at the strength of the feelings where he wasnt and the power of the drive to be near him when he was around and knowing he did not see us as a sexual object. And of course the knowing how poweful a weapon all that feeling was to people who wanted to hurt, control and squish us.

Physically its quite overwhelming to have so much of it part of our everyday consciousness.  Not just the rape that gets released. It was always a suprise the



Wee man was a star