February 09, 2016

Cultural History

Hi Peely wally dad,

Christ. Like we say once we start letting go of knowing who we are and the lines that were pushed the longest have been acknowledged it becomes possible to start feeling out the contents and the cracks in our head better. We are in a remembering you phase. Beats remembering abusers considerably.

How are you? We don't know what your up to and as usual am not going to google you either. We do love you. Not up to looking at how much you're mind us been put on hold by all the shittiness and its so hard to try and look forward without fear but that's the injuries and they are healing. We know you always tell us not to be scared and believe in us even though you knew what was being done, as our first choice as birthing partner/ midwife no one can say you don't know stuff.

Lots of the Dream Team horrificness was aimed at controlling us and others after Margo died. Of course some of us are scared the scene that was programming them and their associates are having their way a lot all over the place but we are not doing anything that are going to feel the need to shut down immediately at the moment. Sundays though. And the need for other people that keeps hurting and reminding us its slow limited progress alone.

There is only two schools days this week and the dude has been has a genuine cold so that's we didn't have to take him in then either. Don't beat ourselves up about his life being in this house mostly. Its not helpful to hold ourself up to ideals of people who have had physical safety for themselves and their children. He's currently snotty and blotchy and expecting me to all the hard bits in a DS Zelda game on demand which is lots of the game on a handheld, yuck. Hes been reading the How to Train Your Dragon box set again and Minecraft books and plays, very into his playmobil dragons and weapons. We forget to remind ourself how much worse his life could of been, how much effort was put into making it so, how many more times he would of been hurt if we didn't fight so hard.

We knew they would ruin our mind for it but theres plenty always aiming for that.

Someone tool has posted some comment that might be against our parenting this post is from 2012 so there is no way we will be reading it particularly as it could been fiction by us or by someone else with a bunch of cunts putting the typist under severe duress. It got close to one or both of me and lad dying a few times and now we arnt being pushed to shelve that emotionally.. Don't think we are just saying that because that what we would say now either. Not when you are back in our consciousness.

Not in any state yet to really get things together. The no option but to wait for someone or something while doing what we can to ease our really badly victimised and brutalised parts. Ye olde tension between the need to feel connected to other humans and finding humans engaged in culture and activities that stop or push us back on our road to recovery is as pointless to mention but we will anyway because we know you bloody know. At least the made up by shitty middle-class line that anyone who isn't rightwing and very media compliant is unelectable is being challenged.

Twitter does of course gives us many genuine laughs and cuteness which can't be over valued.. Some of the other DIDers and others made us feel like we were caught in a net in the dark. It wasn't easy unfollowing until the moment that it was. We hope its not always like that though but feel ourself trying force other peoples' understanding of their systems onto us and that triggers of course..

We have started another blog. For writing we spend more time on away from all the carnage here. Might one of those things we don't go back to is the whole 'tell the story' thing us? Is it something we wont to keep trying. The answer is always yes but we don't know where it comes from..

We are not ruined. Yeah Dad we sort of believe you.

Of course we will write more about what we are reading it's just that when think of you reading it we want it to make some sort of sense. Gendered History it calls.. We don't always pick up. :-)

Lex (?) Not feeling 'Quine'
Louise
Xxx

February 04, 2016

February 2016. Goodness.

Hello.
Husband.
Of the living and non gay kind. But hi! To all living gay ones to & brothers & sisters.

School runs still take so much out of us. There's that sense that whenever he is there we need to watch ourselves very carefully, even more than normal. There are just so many layers of triggers on triggers, from the duty and expectation to get out of bed and leave the house in all weathers when we didn't choose and the promises of safety and equality are impossible for anyone to live up to. It highlights the isolation and how exhausted we are. We are scared about the ways he won't fit in and scared that he will and feel at home here when we never will. We have learned over and over we don't have a voice when it comes to serious stuff and it doesn't matter what we say or who we say it to traffickers and their associates face little or no consequences. Formal investigations go nowhere but we know there is plenty evidence. Obviously. Its all about getting people to appease then destroying morale. Same as ever.

Thinking about you a lot. How you woke up to "Rosa" interviewing you. Sign here Sir. Can't remember much about ceremony or eating or anything but we seem to remember more about times when it was just us. When the I we walked into Lochee and got questioned about getting married again in those amnesiac whatever states that the rest of us rely on and trust so much.. We only came out with a first name but Scuff came up with the second and gave a really good impression of not being happy about it after we confirmed, couldn't stop smiling and thanked them both because they didn't normally trigger us in that sort of a way.

We are trying to remember how it feels to know everything just isn't all over because the bad and stupid people have decided that is what is to happened for ever. 

All the lives being lived in various hells we know how every day is a world lost.

Where you at anyway?

Useless Pratt. There is no danger of us losing it to the point of heading over the bridge. Thinking about heading over a bridge to the burgh though but not to the extent of doing anything about it.  After so long being forced or forcing ourself into being out there alone when we weren't fit we still have a tools down type situation. I've no idea what happens next with all the programs and the prior commitments. Conversations with PsychoSis are always triggering certainly not any less so when she is sounding like someone who isn't capable of unbelievable horribleness towards us but the shit about Uncle Billy making a BS complaint to the NHS about Margo was bringing up Margo telling me that Billy had said that he was going to do that when to her, when she was alive, to her face. 

You can't think of these people as a family or even as people in the sense that you are we would be told. Their lives, their minds their words are not their own in very literal ways. We would go off in search of humanity and get ourself burned. We knew some were trying to encourage us to protect ourself emotionally and every other way, to stop us from trying to find safety, love or empathy where there was none. Some where trying to get me to stop looking for any humanity in everyone ever.  It wasn't always clear and not just because the surveillance has everyone pretending to be the opposite of what they are.

It must be killing parts of you. Like it is us. Don't give them anymore parts of you if they arnt going to give you enough back. Don't wait.

Not that we are holding our breath or anything we know we just make shit up to get through it.
Like Rabbie Burns. So cool. 

We love you.

Julia.

February 01, 2016

Miss you

 Hi Dad,

Its obviously the kind of thing we have always been very against but Christ we are sorry about that blonde terror magnet you've got prancing around over there at the moment... and as for Trump..

We know a glimpse at UK politics and you feel the same for us. All the utterly groundless talk sentencing millions to generations of misery.  Margo's death in December pushed back the friendly chat about getting us into work to March I think the DWP said..

It has crossed our mind but it wasn't til after we read the fuck anxiety book that actually the googling of PTSD therapist in Edinburgh happened. Train station is close to here its a short journey on the train, cheap if we ever get round to getting our travel pass sorted. Council Offices Dad. Alone. Or with a child. We feel like we are a character in a horrendous totalitarian distopian (been here with that fucking word for about 10mins. 5ish with the one before) novel before we step in the places. The bus would be free with the pass but it would take forever and I hate them. All of them.

After Dundee though and the way things have always been we feel a lot like we would just be walking into more of the same. Its the same as before we know it will already be rigged to hurt us but there has to be times when its OK and good or we wouldn't show at all so we choose to take what we can get. Fucking with our need for an environment where we can be out with someone and for it to be safe even for a little while. 

Not sure if we should be going into it with that kind of attitude.  Head down but muscles ready to pump up at a moments notice. Constantly scanning our own mind computer like to see whats safest to push forward and what needs to be stamped down so there is no trace of it all.

We're able to take it easier when some of us want to start looking at whats actually there. Not so angry about how much we were physically kept from everything we love. It's there of course but not so debilitating.  Same with when we look at post grad stuff. Lots of home learning available, amazing degrees. Without Margo and the kids and everyone else we don't feel so tied. Not that we have any of the means to move as things are and we arnt fit yet still, to feel things are possible again.

Knowing there's stuff we are interested in out there helps. We don't have nothing to build a life on here but its still heart breaking all these unfinished sentences. All the internal and external bairns screaming for hugs from each other that this flesh can't provide because its screaming so much to.  Whilst knowing we know everything have spoken about everything and recorded everything twice.

Bastards. Doesn't matter if the keys are broken.

It's not it all as ceased to exist in physical or any other form though and us feeling like it might as well be is the trauma talking. Catastrophising is common with people who have anxiety problems and it does help settle us to think that if someone has have survived lots of catastrophes then no wonder they expect the absolute worst as every outcome. We have been dragged along by our emotions for so long because the intellect is either completely detached or just not there. All those brain pathways that abusers tried to force on us or forced us through again and again. We know we worked hard to build alternative ones but there was only so much we could do. The big little man is here and generally being wonderful. We are just beginning to breathe and get our senses back. Slowly.

The book is by Robert Duff by the way Dad it did make us laugh and give really solid basic info, the guy seems really likable once you get past the caveman part..

Don't have a name so leave me alone!

And everyone.

Xxxxx

January 30, 2016

Violences

So the violence isn't very recent which means our brain isn't freaking out quite so much. By "violence" we mean the instructions of course that generally come with it. Do or don't do this or that. Say or don't say. Write and don't write. So the layers start revealing themselves more not enough to feel confident as someone who knows where they come from but not so exposed and unanchored. The intention to control every little action and limit the mind and emotions to well used stock easily maintained patterns. The having to pretend you believed so they would leave. Knowing I could believe in better days all I wanted its still there world where it matters out there. Not so much in here even if our mind has been targeted by mass cluster bomb attacks. The rubble can be slowly picked up and structures can be built to fit our needs. Very slowly. With constant flinching and uncomfortable hypervigilance that might still be needed to stay alive and unpregnant.

We've been allowing ourself to draw it out a little, what the real threat of pregnancies and no choices in relation to them does to peoples minds. What it does to children who told or threatened with this for a future or shown it to be the present of someone they care about. Some of us are scared to really face this because we are scared we wont be able to stop not in an abuser trained way because so much of that is still pretty opaque its out of love. So often we had to tell ourself no more knowing it was out of our control and nothing had changed. There are ring members addicted to it and they're protected by each other and the deferential culture towards people capable of the most damaging kinds of abuse.

We feel outside the references of most self help and professionals. How can we make plans, how do we grow roots when so many people who have and would do them so much harm are still driving around so close to us? How do we encourage parts that are burning to grow when we don't know if we have the means to nurture them.. We can't help but buy them books and toys anymore than we can stop ourselves from reaching out books we know from our education will remind us that we are not the only one who thinks in certain ways or about certain things there are actually people making a reasonable living out of it. We still have false hope worries of course we do.

What's very recent? I'm not the sort of voice that can answer those questions very well. Last summer. Attempts we saw or were warned about so they were neutralised just in time or we most likely wouldn't be writing this. Can't not be devastated by the estrangement and the manipulation of emotional bonds or child protection issues and still be human. Only things we came away with was that we cried hard.

We are recognising some of the damage done by supershrink. Some of us are saying that she is an abusers shrink who enables their behaviour and justifies it because her profession aims at stabilising people first and then challenging the behaviors. We can't believe she said some of the things she said there is just blank spaces over some of the sessions. She seemed so nice she can't possibly of just told us things the rings were saying about us because they were also her clients. She can't believe them over us we just couldn't handle that right now with all the other stuff the rings are doing. We wont be able to help any of the children. Things can't be that bad it must just be programming, this isn't really happening.

It did though. We managed to find ways to feel safe during all that we can manage to after, eventually. We can be aware of the children and not knowing how bad they have it without it destroying us and keeping us away from the one we were so generously allowed to keep as long as we don't have support and are completely isolated to make sure there arnt any unforseen factors should they need anything from us.

There are almost always unforeseen factors though. We know from our own ops. It helps if you are open to a fuller spectrum of human behaviours and potentials rather than the dehumanised perspective of career rapists and slave traders.

She is with the legions of people in our life who we believe did us some good at some points but who we were not able to defend themselves when the full force of their methods of control were focused on her. No one can. But we are never that amnesic that we ever really drop our guards much. They get exhausted and overworked they don't decide take it easy because every thing will probably be fine. We learned we were not as split as we act and the tough littles will wake and strong we needed them and we had any chance of defending ourself.

We are so glad you don't ask questions blog. We understand when people do and hope they don't mind too much when we can't answer them.

..
Goodnight Sweeties. Xxx *skwish hugs*

January 25, 2016

Not quite so urgent.

Hey Chris,

Listened to a guided muscle relaxation audio last night and tonight. There is so much available for free its overwhelming particularly if you are all ready overwhelmed. Hopeful that we have used one and are quite excited about trying more. Its the only start. Finding new ways to make our muscles somewhere we can be again. Again..

Being in a place where we are eventually following doctors orders with the Gabapentin has been difficult to get to. Theres been so much shame and and anger over not being able to function, we read some tweets that were talking about that same stigma. We are moving away from that place where its impossible to emotionally identify with other peoples horrors. It's a survival thing of course like so much else we rationalise on our horrors being particularly mental. 

Cultural history is the way we challenge that alienation. Its easier to start with by emphasising with people who have been dead for centuries if we feel its to dangerous to be building emotional attachments to humans now. We wrote this last night

What are we interested in?
Women's history. Taking apart the heavy but unquantifiable knowledge that its always like this or that. Knowing that the misogyny we have experienced universally forever.

To wonder about the role of PTSD and DID in history without getting too into the RA.

More not Western European history

How much it's all been about peoples leaving, moving, mixing not always just taking. We know the slave trade as always been huge we don't want that fact to keep us from all others.

To revise and add to our understanding of the history of history and empiricism.

We've also been playing a lot of Windwaker HD..

Love you of course.
Lexi

(What if I'm wrong!!!!)

January 20, 2016

Is this the best for us planet?

Its so difficult to keep feeling love from people we never see or talk to. It makes us doubt everything like real friends and family are just our Rabbie Burns. So real because it was parts of us making a life that was tolerable for the rest of us. The rest that had their own flesh were all just grooming, just following orders. They get everyone who thinks there is something in the rapist controlled world that is worse saving. We need to do what we are told to do to the Quine, all the other Louise Johnstons, everyone that resists and their babies or we could end up like them! Its quite mutual. Death is preferable to a life where you hand your babies and children over to pornographers and experienced programmers and then tell them afterwards  if they are still capable of screaming and crying that it " wasn't that bad. Everything is not going to be OK. They do not let people go because they gave in obviously its more likely you have just brought in your whole family & friends & their unborn kids for generations.

If you don't respect or fear the police they will use drug dealers, petty and/or organized crime thugs for hire depending on your class and contacts. If you don't respect or fear the underclass then its police and professionals that will be controlling your life, making all your decisions for you and keeping you traumatised and amnesiac. We are from a few different social layers what with peoples attempts to adopt us and keep us out so we get to see the full array brain dead capable of anything tools, there only fear is real exposure or their protected status with accompanying state paid for security surveillance ending. The best way to avoid for them to avoid this they have been told and they take in nothing else anyone says is to keep doing what they are told and never consider anything else.

It is kind of impossible to resist anything when you have been so tortured and dissociated that you remember absolutely nothing about who or where you are though. Think it might be the times we spent outside the rings when very little and all the times after that have out the barrier between me and people not the other way around.

Why pull us out, feed us up, make us feel human, loved, wanted and respected just to send us back to here to be constantly attacked. They needed our help with something which we sorted so they had no use for us anymore particularly as we have all these radical notions about human rights and stuff that don't go away after a couple of weeks of quality living, working conditions. We didn't believe we would always end up back here being raped and fried and obliterated but we knew it was possible. The ones who weren't in on it all along would sometime manage to call saying they were told we were safe and well by Brit Intel..

We usually had one thing to say to that. " how the hell could you believe them? Don't you have any Intel yourself about where I am and what goes on here." If our emotional state or mental age was capable we would add ' go see if your porn reps will tell you anything they probably won't though they will all be sex offenders and its their job to protect shit like this"

We try not to hate too much on people tweeting about how bad things are becoming because they know about some of the evil shit the establishment is doing and how toxic the media is. It's not there fault things were OK for them.

We are proud of the work we have done and the lives we saved or protected when we could and all the proper statements even if they are never used but to have achieved so little for myself..

We found a small spliff worth.. It is still our replacement for friends, work and family.

Just can't see or feel any real words or hugs coming our way soon Daddy. Wish we had found a way to never stop warring. But they will always have child abuse, the press, politicians, police, social work, public opinion, academic thought as a main weapon while we have DID and DNA. Our wars could and have improved peoples lives. The parts that just wanted a safer life, cozy with love to heal and then maybe write or study are turning cold, turning inward because of the last years. We kept them warm for so long through so much trauma designed to destroy them but we can't protect them from is the silence and distance from people they believed in. It feels like we have no choice but to completely wipe the slate clean of everything and everyone we ever fought for, all our hopes and all of the work. Impossible of course because abuser culture, networks of our rapists or have forced to work then took all credit and payment - many of them won't be wiping the slate clean.

Where then fuck am I Dad?

And beside our soul seems to be very much still with Sonny. Fuck you Todds. 

January 19, 2016

Hey. Its our shit money week so we might not be posting much. At the moment though we have a crumb left and our diazepam. The doctor said we obviously weren't abusing it we obviously failed to mention we neck what they give us evey two months in a couple of days..

We can tell by the way we are cooking and cleaning a bit more that we are growing. We have a bit more space to breath. We don't go to bed or open eyes in the morning telling ourselves that something could happen the next day there would be contact or something huge on the news that meant the networks really were permanently fucked. We had to but we dont bother so much now. We hold onto the feeling though when we can, the anything is possible in a good way hope but its a struggle. They were hitting us very hard for many years the cynicism needed to survive that doesn't leave it needs to be pushed out.

We hate it. Its what they wanted, one of their longterm objectives that they would damage us enough to kill belief we would get far away from them all and like so much else went unchallenged a lot of the time. How could we stay positive when we knew that if we didn't die, didn't end up locked up for full time rape then this what we now was the best future possible. It was designed to stop us form having much fight in the preceding years so we would end up dead or worse. We had our selective amnesia though and the friends and parts saying we wouldn't be left there by everyone for forever. That this now was the beginning of our life not the end.

We have been so broken though Dad by all the times they got our flesh, what they do to children and babies how it matter who promised it wouldn't happen again, it always would. As soon as we felt any strength to smile god forbid parent, to vaguely function the worst would start up again. Physically we have been very ruined by all that rape and pregnancies it meant we barely even heard people when they repeated or accused us of the horrific bullshit we were fighting against. Not that we don't hurt over all the opportunities lost from words or simply just the moments lost to feeling horrible because of it. They often have their people making accusations against victims that are the same abuses that the victim is surviving. The whole psychological, triggering side as well as the isolating and making survivors seem untrustworthy is a constant aspect to it all. There is some are very clever and creative thought when planning, arranging and coming up with stories depending on who is doing the scheming of course.

The only way to stay alive is to let go adults that say they are helping us when they obviously arnt and focus on our internal world only we knew how we could survive it. How they get absolutely everyone we have ever trusted even vaguely to have absolutely nothing to do with us unless ordered otherwise we don't know but its how we know to stay alive we need call on us not anyone out there. Of course peoples love and training are what made us to and we will always have that.

We have a couple of months before there will be another call about getting us into work. Being around people is very stressful we just start dissociating.

We could come up with our own therapy schedule or least good parts of it but it seems like a heartbreaking waste of time without the resources to put it into place. There are moments when we think about jotting down ideas for good habits to get into. We would like to have something we went to no more talking therapy for a while after the last one but something creative, using our hands. Everything involves travel on public transport alone and whatever we attend we will find the other people triggering, too triggering especially since we will have to find our way home alone afterwards.

We are not doing that denial anymore, blanking our reality so we could feel like it was possible that we could find someone or something to lean on or could just be fun that wouldn't land us back in the mud. Anything that might be out there that could help is not an option at the moment because we would have to travel through Fife to get to it on pain stimulating anxiety inducing public transport. In Fife, Scotland where they keep us down between "assignments", punishments and clients.. Too fucking much on my own. All of it too fucking physically painful and too fucking triggering.

Can't get away from the 'every point of contact thing' there is so little out here that might be good for us and of course the surveillance and the violent control getting to anyone and everything we came into contact with was never that challenging and we don't feel up for testing to see if its still in place as it was, by our self.

Making our shelter here more comfortable isn't being resisted like it was little bits at a time, remembering to stop before any tantrums start up. You will some of them - its not good enough, things will never be fair and others triggered from doing house work when so little.

The wee General was impressed with the kitchen and said its was beautiful. We were chuffed.

I'm not even sure if he is fed and hugged Dad or if he is fed and hugged but then handed over to baby rapists who think they will have him for decades like they have the rest of his family.

Its not over. Some people would say that but its also something that people just say, as if some invisible force is going to come down and bring all to justice but it is over for seeing him today and yesterday and many many more people and possibilities.

We dream of watching fire burn down old grand old buildings, feeling relieved. Feeling new

Lex.