November 19, 2015

later in november..

We often find our thoughts leaning towards the benifits of drug therapies.. Gabapenten holding our hand again. It all sounds the same, granted but our brain isn't.

Could invest in ourselves enough to buy a decent tablet puter.  Very happy. So much we can do now that we couldnt do before. So many therapy apps..

We have finished with the therapist we were seeing and are still avoiding all msm news. Except for the front pages we fail to avoid..

We are lighter of a lot worst of it or getting there at least. Couldnt say we feel like ourselves but we are starting to recognise us better.

Stomach muscles sore sometimes with the super stressed breathing that gets us sometimes particularly after sleeping or contact with Margo. Or when we think about some of the stuff that went on with therapist but we are getting more confident in getting though it without falling back into all the squished up pieces again.

Not what would comfortably describe as 'present' but wouldn't say we weren't here either.

Not sure we would be saying that without any drugs through. The pain, the anxiety, the programming, the fear would be relentless.


November 04, 2015


Just need to be sedated in your arms for a year or two and we will be fine. Necking the gabapentin again, pain too constant to triggering. We need different, better drugs. But we have been saying that for a while. I'm sure if you could do something about it you could. 

Feel we have enough of the corners and edge pieces of this extraordinary jigsaw that we just want want hit the inhibitions and get going with the rest. Don't need anyone bullshitting us so we can pretend there's an alternative to the truth. 

So ready. 

October 31, 2015

still breathing

Sent an email to therapist saying we wont be back. Impossible to get any further, too many forces pushed her away from seeing us at the times it matter most. Our coping mechanisms and the traumas they attempt to get us through are beyond her training and experience.  We told her about the pink jelly stuff with the dark line in it on the medical gauze and how it was Gabe early and during desperate life and death times and for whatever reason she fucked up and told us it wasn't true. Then we wanted to quit but abusers wouldnt let us. We told her about that to.

She did some of us good to. It wasn't all damage. But when she denied that she was denying when her whole existence it wasn't just the memories we had to shove at back of a drawer, locked the drawer, roll the chest to the back of a cupboard, lock the house then run to another country it was but our whole identity, my whole self. She tried to tell us that is wasn't our whole identity but we were there for DID therapy and 'we' came into existence at that time and it would be impossible to get any real work done on anything when she hurt the part who survived that, the part who was the caregiver, the rock to all of us who came about after and many before.

How the fuck is therapy going to work if its under threat of horrific violence from people who have carried it out on you before anyway? How is anything ever going to work when shit like that is going on? and the police have the worst on salaries, union clout and daily access to and over the most vulnerable.

We're not deleting the account but the twitter app is off our phone and we haven't watched anything other than Grey's Anatomy or Nurse Jackie in a while. It really helps. Especially Grey's.

Meddling with the Gabapentin again for pain as well as emotional/psychological reasons. Period late, light and not stopping. We know. If it doesn't settle soon go to the NHS even if they are useless if the take any swabs or blood or anything you will run them properly and let us know if there is anything urgent.

Don't know what state anyone else is in. Not going anywhere. The essentials are delivered. Too much shell shock for much in the way of specific hopes but also way to awake to not have any either..

Send more drugs. Better drugs.
And Hybrid.

October 03, 2015

Hi Dad,

We have started post with those two words a few times not sure if we managed more few words nevermind ever hitting 'publish'. Maybe there is heaps of them. Don't know. Not checking.. We have giving in to the waiting to be rescued. Its the end of term next week and we have gone the whole time paying almost £2 a day because we havent got it in us to to sort out the free school meals so all the steps to getting his passport renewed aren't happening.

 Margo phoned and asked if we would go down this evening and watch a film, eat some snacks said she wanted some adult company so what the fuck she is asking us for I don't know. I'd like some adult company to. As therapist would say its not our job to meet her social needs so we said we would think about it but have no intention and made repeated V signs at the phone once it was over.

Hash and a new old xbox game are our main crutches this now and will continue to lean on them heavily tonight. I have made prior commitments to stalk a fictional character who may have a grudge against another fictional character's giant pet rats. I have no time for role playing as a family with Margo and whoevers' interests she is currently representing.

Learn a lot of computer games. We definitely seem to have a tendency to rush in without properly assessing risks.

Have come to terms with Spotify. Take the money you bastards. Its so easy. Been playing early REM this week and the late night jazz list. Theme from Charlie Brown, Chet Baker and Miles Davis. Love it.

No idea what you are up and don't want to if you cant tell me yourself.

He's fine. Joined a local martial arts class. I stayed and watched the first time but left the week after and will probably mostly do that. Some of the kids are really good and that makes us smile. He isnt which also makes us smile but found it really hard not to peck at him.

Pain just isnt an all day most days problem at all. Still made worse by same stuff though. The after period pain still the times when we feel so very little and so very hurt.

Got some dental work done. I know right! With the access to drugs we have.. Never happen yesterday though first time we have bailed on school to this term..

Hope your not to cornered. And if at all possible do feel free to rescue us so we can begin to become a major player in our own life and not an invisible or insignificant character. It would be much appreciated.

All such a mess. Seem to be mostly beyond the 'watch news to fuck yourself over' programming. Still going on twitter but usually end up wondering why.

Need hugs dad.

We hug wee man lots but he's a boy and needs us to be an adult as much as possible when we need to not be one.

Love as always.
(we think)

September 28, 2015

hate titles

Thirtytwo in his class. We're not comfortable with that as a class size for a any kid but for our kid and the evil shit thats happened in primary schools in recent years and beyond it fucking terrifies us. He was talking this afternoon about getting into trouble for not listening, fidgeting and messing about that sort of stuff. Says he gets bored and his ears switch off. He was saying how unfair it is thats five days on two days off. We suggested he tried pretending to listen better and maybe taking a day of school next week to go somewhere. He wasnt all that enthusiastic said he wanted a party.. Talked about his pal in Dundee who hopefully is long gone from her sick mum so no way of him seeing her.

Trying to remember anything from all the crap that went down various times we went back over to Grahams if there was anything said that can help us out with now and next but its easier to catch fish with bare hands. The constant awareness that our current mental and emotional ranges and abilities have been forced on us by people who are not ever going to reconsider their attitudes towards total exploitation ever makes us so angry, so disappointed and so frustrated.

It's different. Genuinely so even if far too much is the same. So much more has been exposed to more people. So many are dead. But Dad they use the times when we are isolated and damaged under the 'all of you exist for us and only us' systems to regroup, replace what they lost and to put the finial death nail in the remaining hopes for so many littles. We bargained with ourselves they everyone does with everyone else when a part wanted to maintain an external relationships while others wanted to cut out loses emotionally. We worked so hard when we were so small and did so well and needed to feel there was some home and some end no matter how impossible.

As the 'if worst comes to worst' trigger dates are passing, some years ago of course some more recent, some now, tomorrow, next week, next month. We can feel them. Eyes always peeking out windows, their ears primed for a call, their words so close to our lips but they are turning away, burying deep taking their openness, their easy open love and their broken fucking hearts with them. Leaves room for the ones that can get us permanently non uk residents. They are so good for junior when they are happy for all us and some of the rest of us feel the ongoing betrayal of those clever dedicated loyal littles is far too easily accepted as just the way things are what can you do.

All the shut doors may just be leading us to something better


Everytime we open the new post box parts slide, skulk, bolt, disappear down fox holes, behind walls I cant see the top off, atomise themselves away or casually wonder off while whistling through their teeth.  They don't want to open up and share here in the dark with no idea who is watching and who isnt. Littles know they are conditioned to 'write home' and have no inclination to keep pretending they don't know what that's all about. Usually the only people and places that felt like a real home were the last places and people we would be writing anything to. Killing them ourself would often be better option in terms of trauma and loss at least then they wouldn't be tortured, programmed, enslaved, bred, experimented on and used as against us.

We wish we could manage our time better. Encourage parts to articulate their needs and working with each other. Organising a schedule that could be done day after was never going to work, way to triggering of what the abuser networks do when they have you full time and because there is too many of us. Some of us really liked week/month cycles though. Trying to work out everything we wanted, what was possible and what was needed. Everything stopped being such hard work to being rewarding and fun. When we felt bad someone would try and help us and if they couldn't they would help us find someone who could. Just seeing people try sometimes was enough to make us feel so much better.

We could see some of the people who were working with us were shocked sometimes at how it well it worked to the point of suspecting we were much more dissociated than we were, that we were pretending because we thought we were supposed to.  When we explained how different it felt to be with people who tried to keep us safe and allowed us to be whatever we were most understood. It was worst  for those who knew that the abuse networks designed the parts that need to be cared for the most if we can ever be safe and that meant they would loose me again.

If there was enough time spent acknowledging and treating us somewhere with less triggers and bad memories so we could begin to reach our Gollums ourselfs  The communication and the caring for each other would get internalised just as the indifference and oppression is in horrible environments. Being physically stronger and full of evidence to show people do want something better enabled us to find out those most in need. We knew the punishments we would get for healing and attempting to explore peoples potentials but often many of those whose job is was to help us would have no idea about the risks. We do underestimate people occasionally but no bloody wonder.

Those abuser proof firewalls took a lot of damage and the bastards have definitely had us pretending to do shit but the worst of the work demanded had already been done by others before me.  Pretending was all some of them were after of course they already had what they wanted from torturing and experimenting on mother and others for years. We dont know how far they got through and are unlikely to have been able to find out since because of the system and networks making it impossible to have privacy or be safe enough to check. There's always that consensual need for us to 'not know' some pretty major stuff for various reasons. Every tiny aspect of everything about our behave always has to be constantly gauged, the value of remembering versus the risk a part who who can not bare that kinds of constant danger, our skills in pretending to be a part we weren't (or didn't even have) to someone who may or may not already know versus seconds of being true to my our soul, our nature.

The decades of violence and theft, the forcing pictures into our own and others mind, the forcing us to tell and live so many lies couldnt kill our romantic hopes for love, community and justice with those we fought with here but not one of those ideals is gonna survive the isolation when the main force maintaining it is ignorance, fear and inertia.. and a population with a taste for social rigidity and torture..

Firenze. Natale


September 24, 2015

our room is nice but the kitchen is still wrong even when we clean it

We hope to celebrate September better in other years. It not over this year yet and we are eating and washing, cleaning, spending more time engaging junior and the xbox. The tearfulness at the thought of another day or night here isnt as bad. More of a sense of our history being here with us is probably the main reason.  The main 'must be real memories' and the narratives that they hold together haven't been forced on us for a while so we can feel again and the real narratives are beyond the high walls of what many people think is possible.

If we had been passport applications in the local post office we would have one now. Printers, ink etc feels just beyond us still. Its frustrating but when we start examining the issues raised, triggers its a hell of a shit storm. The thought of an outside of the uk Christmas: the shiny swinging pendulum that is as soon as summer's over, brought smiles to parts that have been down for a while. They know we achieve nothing when so separate from each other and we can't come back without real hope, real hope which is very hard to impossible to grasp when we are distanced from each other and anyone else. No horrific shit in months now. Wow.

We are not due for any back dated DLA or ESA we know fine if we found anything at all no matter how little in the four figures in the current account we wouldn't be buying paint and furniture. But there isnt so we will spend who we get on living a day to day level of comfort we haven't known in the UK before. It's great past so many 'cant's and 'I'm not allowed that's but there are so many still in play but we are getting to a point where we can remind ourselfs that it will get better without being a slap on a broken limb.