September 19, 2014

September

A no vote.. What a pity.. Colonialism continues but by Christ the numbers joining the SNP & other yes parties! The will of so many to continue is bloody fantastic.

Had a stinking cold fuck up all the stuff that we have to do, quite common when weve been decorating and it's September. 

The loss of Alkysis meant the landlord signed the lease over to me and we have as close to our dream house as we could get without winning the lottery or being paid for work completed as we can get. A dream house which smelled pretty bad and is full of my sister's stuff and zilcho assistance. Mum says 'just chuck it'. Easy for her to say.. She's not doing to well with her COPD I hope she starts coming round to the idea that maybe the best place for them is here sometimes five minutes away, in a house with me, their cuz and the 3 bedrooms and the garden instead of 2 bedroom flat with her who doesn't have the breath to take them to school.. 

Either way it seems this place is ours and we loved it from first sight. Sorry that the sorting, cleaning, painting has had to slow down til the fever passes but it's ok we will get there..

The funeral was ok. Didn't get attacked by anyone and Psychosis wasn't there so she couldn't take her shitty feelings out on me. We read, 'do not weep' by Elizabeth Fry, mum's choice and everyone was really nice and gave us lots of hugs.

The kids' Dad is causing stress. As he has done in the past. Talking about getting his own place and taking the kids to Aberdeen. Mum gave us the impression that he had backed down what with him staying at a mates house, working long shifts and the kids being settled here but he started it again with me today. Said one minute that Veruca doesn't want to move again then started talking about taking them away, coz they have more family up there (that they rarely see and haven't helped out). Said something about being 'kept' at Dads, where he made little or no attempt to find his own place why would he? His work was minutes away, all he did was work, smoke and pay my dad 50 a week. '3 days without a smoke that's good for me' .. Pfft.. Don't think we can let him in here again. He offers no help (with all his stuff) and upsets us. He really doesn't get the whole  kids needs come first thing. 'I wouldnae move here when Laura was alive so I'm not gonna do it now'. Your kids are here you fucking tool..Mum is in charge though so there isn't much we can do at the moment.

 I hate that whole 'I have a right to see my kids when it suits me and not when it doesn't but don't have responsibilities' attitude it sickens us. He came down Friday night, talked about leaving today but is leaving tomorrow instead. When asked about specifics, like it would be helpful for us, mum & the kids to know when he will be here and when not. He said the 12th and maybe other times when he can afford it .. So once a month then..

Meanwhile the kids need cared for everyday (they are 5 & 6), their gran still has severe COPD, we see them everyday and our wee man plays with them everyday.. 

 Pisses us off that mum lets him stay with her after the shit he has done and things he has said. 'But he's their dad..' (Of course he has rights he was in an abusive relationship with their mother!)  Well he needs to figure out how to stand on his own two feat then doesn't he and start treating the people who look after his kids with some respect. 

Wonder if she would rather they went to him than me anyway. Updated the useless social worker about having made lots of allegations. He thought he would be in and out. Didn't even take his pen and notebook. Mum also hadn't told him she has severe COPD. He thought it was asthma.. 

Useful friend coming down this week thankfully coz we can't drive a van, nor empty our old second floor flat by our selves..


August 19, 2014

We will see

I want to be there I just don't want be there alone and I can ditch the wake. Would like to be there through whole thing with a heap of support but hey.

 We made a joke with our therapist once not long after we started seeing her and were still figuring out boundaries. I asked her if it was possible to rent her for funerals and weddings then wondered off briefly thinking about what a good therapeutic service/business opportunity that could be.  She seemed equally amused. 

Next time we see her is the day after the funeral. It's been awhile. Need to see my mommy!

Oh god I'm back in a place where Psychosis seems so obviously the current main abuser in the immediate family. We're remembering instances of seeing her talk to Laura in such horrific ways and at times and places I wasn't prepared for, causing nasty dissociations in us. When we were little and in recent years too.  In front of other people though it's always been me that's the point of her hate. With the odd bit if sisterlyness thrown in that just unnerved us anyway. Emotionally blackmailing everyone else to go along with it. Bringing in abusers and punishing those who talked.

Dead nice and friendly to lots of people to though and great with kids sometimes.

..Christ I wish we were a family that had enough money for a burial plot. So I could push the sociopath in after Laura.
Screaming something appropriate..

Genuine sympathy for mother. And maybe a bit if irony that the only daughter she has ever been able to say goodbye to is the only daughter that will be there for her.

Mwah ha ha








August 17, 2014

Things we are mostly not going to say to mum..

The bridges are burned mum, they are nuked and the land on either side too there is nothing to build on.  I will not be there. I will not take part in the line of family members who put her in that box and shake hands with her friends and her son's friends who all have gave her a wee shove along the way. The support there for me will be you, maybe gran and an aunt or two I haven't seen since the last funeral anyway and me and my DID are gonna need more than that. If middle sis sees me getting any support anyway she is likely to make a bee line to piss all over it any way.  There will be far too many sexual abusers, bullies and enablers there I will not feel safe and will be terrified for wee man what with his abuser probs being there. 

I will not be there because it's expected. People also expect children to not be fucked by family members and forced to drink and hurt each other.

I know we have talked about this before but I think you are going to have to come to terms with me not being part of the rest of the family. At the moment I feel like  I need a year before I can be in the same room as any of the Aberdeen lot. I understand you can't handle it when psycho starts getting abusive towards me but comforting her and listening to her and her hate while I am left alone has only ever made things worse. People also expect to be able to discuss finding a sibling dead with another sibling, less than a week after the event without being  dismissed with sarcasm and indifference. We all cope with loss in our own ways and it is out of respect for your oldest that I say that psycho is not my sister and that man is not my dad. I can not stand to should respect for someone who is dead with a bunch of people who had no or little respect for her when she was alive.

Maybe we can do our own thing once the rest have fucked off again.


August 13, 2014

Alkysis

Going to have to be careful not to launch into the mother of all feminist rants against and in the faces of the adult males in the family over the next while. Particularly around the funeral. Not that we know when that will be she hasn't had her autopsy yet.  

The police are being as silent as you would expect considering the particular Scottish CID dept that are dealing with it or not really dealing with it they haven't said anything to the family much since the night. They were alright then though. A young lassie in uniform first then nightshirt plain clothes. 

We were a bit lost, really struggling with all the details they ask for.  We thought the bloke was doing some obvious sussing out staring but it's not like we had any need to hide anything and was in too much shock to do so any way. He was a local lad by the accent probs not that far from our age and said it sounded medical, particularly after mum and the adult son came back and pretty much repeated everything I said.  We didnt really think about it much at the time but we are very glad now they weren't obviously familiar or abusive.  

We are not sure if she knew what was going on before she died. Mum talked to her that morning and she wasn't making much sense. She hallucinated badly the last time went through withdrawal after a major bender.  The neighbour who was with her the most and brought flowers round today said one of the other neighbours said she had walked into their flat and was sweating, then she said she was going for a sit down outside. No one tapped here that I know of. 

We ignored the buzzer the first time as you do in someone else's flat and when bottem door is never locked anyway.  The second time was a bit more persistent though and we ended up looking out the window.  Some of us knew straight away. It was Alkysis though. It's not that unusual to see her lieing down and impossible to wake in inappropriate positions and places. Still though. 

I saw the nice neighbour crouched down and a bloke from another flat hanging about and no other souls. Just a bundle that looked like what my big sis looked like sometimes. 

They were asking her name when I got down the stairs and had put a dressing gown and something else over her she didn't have her bag, coat or glasses. I knelt near her the rain was pelting off her. I'm not going to get into describing what she looked like. We said her name and touched her face but pulled it away again almost instantly. She was so cold, so dead.

Nice neighbour said she had seen that she was breathing one minute and then couldn't any longer.  The poor woman is in pieces. We hope to see her around.

The ambulance was there in minutes. I stood with the nice neighbour, ran up to get shoes and a coat on. Don't know how long the van was there, bouncing a bit. The standard amount of time I guess. When one of crew came out she put her hand on my shoulder and said it wasn't good I said I knew. She said I should get to the hospital as soon as possible but we couldn't  and we knew. She was gone. Not just Alkysis 'gone'.

Our dad, the kids dad and her adult son came down and left together taking the spider monkey but leaving the wee lad who is getting on with big little man anyway. Regular readers will know we don't exactly cope well with Alkysis and the serious drinking, lies etc but I've heard the son talk about hitting his mum over it, the kids dad and her own dad were not much better. None of them can put kids needs before their own for a pissing minute and of course not offering us any support as the only one who was here other than BLM who didn't what he was told and didn't move while I was outside.

PsychSis is making her way back from the states where niece has been getting treatment. Glad both the girls are over there and away from all this shit. 

Not surprisingly we are not feeling any anamosity towards the remaining sis. They were always much closer than I was to either of them growing up. I knew it often wasn't good if I saw them wispering together, which was often. She will be devasted.

We are feeling bit better after a proper cry yesterday.  There's going to be lot to figure out and no one has any money, not funeral cost money. We are hoping the blokes end up leaving me and mum to deal with the kids in the long term to be honest.  Espically what with us feeling from pretty early that it was misogyny that was lethally poisoning Alkysis long before she was old enough to be sold alcohol.










July 28, 2014

Rotten, rotten through..

So the behind the scenes, controller, knows everything parts.. You gave us a break yesterday didn't you? Thank you.  

You know the script, Ukraine, Gaza, organised abuse inquiry led by ppl who have raped us. 3 of them, so far & 1 of them did some programming our DID against us. That would Mark Conrad. Who we have been emailing but won't be meeting up as has been suggested for obvious reasons, 2001, Glasgow & up at my Dads, after I had cleaned up and started sleeping in the room next door to wee mans, not sure exactly 2008/9.  Would of been worse but some blokes turned up and told him to leave.  Think it may of been him that we seen in town last year.. Dunno and no doubt we have more recall coming. Certain about the exploitation and the rape tho, sometimes with Moyles he wasn't into the really sick stuff, liked the vulnerable parts that thought if someone wasn't intentionally trying to cause as much pain and humilation when they raped me that it must be love.. The others Mark Watts (2001, Glasgow) and Ian McFayden (? was interviewed on telly recently.) who tweeted 'if anyone believes the McCanns hurt their child please unfollow me.' Subtle. Not.

We know people are going to say we are trying to derail the establishments inquiry into its self and maybe these memories are 'just' programmes but it's unlikely. Braveheart says otherwise and we know ourselves well enough by now.  There are likely to be witnesses for Glasgow as for my Dads.. Unlikely but you never know.

See lots of support for Michael Mansfield, an established well know legal type who is identified as socialist. It was the pictures of him that made us start blocking inquiry supporters before we  intigrated the stuff about the others. No pictures, no words. Just want to scream, sense extreme pain when we see his pics and have a sense of the 90s and early 00s when all this ongoing stuff was being arranged. Mind controled rapists carving everything up between them all very colonial really.

When the bloke took Conrad away, we had to say something. We were so relieved he was going and the bloke had also bought wee man to me, he was safe in our arms, the littles, the frozen parts were forced forward after the rape on the stairs and whatever he had said to us after which we knew we needed not to hear, as he left we could be more ourselves again and said 'see you in court'. Just to show the littles we were back. The bloke agreed.

When it's was all triggered on Paedobritain Day we heard the usual excuses internally, they have DID too, they were ritually abused and programmed to (poor things it's not their fault) which is probably true but these people are calling for an over arching inquirie they are saying they are all for truth & justice for abused children, except me and mine and who knows how many else ..

We are not saying we never hurt anyone it's the need to do the best by those we did hurt, to admit it and understand for ourselves what we have done and how it came about that is a big motivation behind this blog and every stupid self destructive contact with police. 

We do want truth for everyone, all victims and all the networks that brought about, used and maintained our and others' vulnerable dissociated states, regardless of what the abuse turned people into but we are not going to sacrife ourselves because other people think our abusers are proper people and me and mine are not.

Well hasn't brought us any baccy, food, weed or friends but parts are feeling more loved and accepted after that discloser..




July 25, 2014

"You are a major pain in the arse!"
"Actually I'm just a lieutenant."

Lots a uncle rape memories at the moment, it really was quite extensive.  Mum was in the house one time and screamed for her help she opened the bedroom door and angrily told me there was nothing she could do about it before shutting the door and leaving him to get on with it.  After slashing my arms and wrists he asked me why I'd done it. I said 'why do you think?' he asked if I hated him, I said 'course'.  I think he left the room after that or maybe we made that part up.  Another time, presumably a year or so after because the bed was on the other side of the room, arrived back in Scotland after being god knows where, must have gone awol or some shit because there was no blanket amnesia, I was jaded, fully aware of my potential for violence and how abusers worked.  I acted like the very vulnerable parts all broken, terrified, needy and small and just as expected him and my dad followed me up to my room where I was waiting for them.  When he went for me I kicked him in the head and knocked him to the floor.  My dad didn't move.  Words were exchanged and they left me knowing for one night at least we wouldn't be bothered by them.

No therapy until the end of September, no drama until October.  I've started the Courage to Heal, again and ordered the workbook which had been put of for years because we vary of what will be triggered not necessarly in the work but the book itself has been in someone's possession before.  There's DID books around my bed but we're struggling to read them.  DID is complicated enough without trying to understand who is organic and who is a program.  Really struggling with irritability, tearfullness and cutting impulses whenever there's no weed.  Held the knife to my skin when I was cutting a courgette in the messy kitchen, its blunt anyway.  Keep reminding myself of how it feels after the rush; sore, bleeding and bloody stupid.  No sign of Summer, not for weeks know. The thought of shaving the legs now makes us nauseous.  Therapist seemed almost surprised by the way she was so present and then so absent, back to the same old super depressed ANP where everything and everyone is on lock down and everywhere the wards, the barracks, the nursery, the hills all feel like the aftermath of a tsunami or scorched earth policy.